Disclaimer- If I owned it I wouldn't have to fantasize.
(A/N- Thank you as always to Nienna-yavetil and ZombieGurl98. I'm glad you guys like it and now here's an update. Yay me for not being lazy and procrastinating too much. And remember I love reviews they're like chocolate for me. Mmmmm...chocolate. And Nienna since you've reviewed like every chappie so far I'll mail Frodo to you at the end of the story.)
Chapter 4
Brainwashing by Corporate Coffee Producing Monopolies
I pulled into my parking space (actually the bus died) to see complete and utter chaos. Mandy was chasing after four leprechauns threatening physical harm if they didn't stop. Betsy was huddled in her car while an old man wearing a pointy hat with an arrow through it was banging on the hood of her car with a long stick yelling ",I demand to be sent back to whence I came this instant."
A short man weilding an axe was hacking away at a row of defenseless mailboxes. We all tumbled out of the bus. I could only gape at the mass destruction that was occuring. "Omanomanomanoman," Matt smacked me, sending me out of one babble and into another. "We're going to get evicted. My mom'll kill me then assume my identity so she can move into my dormroom and use my credit cards."
"Calm down, Tina."
I grabbed Matt's shirt in my hands on the verge of an anxiety attack. "Make sure my unfindable anonymous grave is in a nice place. I don't want my mom to dump me in the swamps for the alligators to snack on. I DON'T LIKE ALLIGATORS !"
"Tina..."
"MAKE SURE !"
"Fine."
"Thank you." I was calm now. "Now I'm gonna try to get their attention." I cleared my throat and took in a deep breath ",HEY MORONS !"
All attention turned to me. The elves clutched their ears looking angry. Boromir and Aragorn had drawn their swords. Mandy and her four halflings froze in place. Betsy stopped being a coward. The old man looked at me questioningly. The only reason the dwarf stopped was because his axe was stuck.
"Everyone follow her," Matt called, pointing to me.
I led the way to my apartment and thank goodness everyone followed. Once I had secured the door to prevent any possible escapes I looked to the group. "Sit," I barked like a Marine drill seargent. All did as I said including my three friends. I sighed rolling my eyes in hopeless frustration. "Not you three morons. You come with me. We're having a tribal council."
"Yea," Mandy clapped gleefully as the three of them followed me into the open kitchen ",We're going to vote someone off the island."
"Lets vote Mandy off," Matt replied sarcastically.
"Oh, oh, oh," Betsy was bouncing from foot to foot like a second grader who had to pee ",can I say the tribe has spoken ?"
"No to everyone. Now, what are we going to do with these guys ?"
"Boil 'em," Mandy cackled.
"Roast 'em," Matt hissed.
"Eat 'em raw," Betsy laughed manically.
"Uhm, excuse me, but we can hear you," Pippin called.
"My one moment of sanity and the rest of you have flipped." I stormed out of the kitchen looking at my guests. "I want all of you to tell me your names."
"Peregrin Took but you can call me Pippin."
"Meriadoc Bradybuck but everyone calls me Merry."
"Frodo Baggins."
Mandy and Betsy burst into the room giggling like mad school girls. "I know 'em. I know 'em," Mandy chanted. "That's Samwise Gamgee."
"Aragorn and Boromir," Betsy interrupted.
"Gimli and Gandalf," Mandy was drooling.
Betsy was beginning to look a little rabid. "Legolas and... and... and..."
"Haldir," the offended elf huffed.
"Okay," I was becoming a little frightened now as I backed away from the two. I was starting to recognize the looks on their faces. Glazed eyes. Love stricken expressions. Drooling. A lot of drooling. It was the look of the dreaded fangirl. "Did you guys get hit with radiation and suddenly become Jean Grey ?"
Mandy suddenly returned to normal (well, somewhat). She was still showing a very toothy grin. "You don't know who they are ?"
Matt chose to come out to join us so he and I chimed in together ",No."
"Its the fellowship."
"Ya know, of the ring," Betsy was still drooling like she'd just had a lobotamy.
Matt and I looked at each other before looking at the strangers then back to each other. Once again we echoed each other ",We haven't read that since sixth grade."
"Tina," Mandy now thought she was talking to a three year old ",we watched the first two movies when they came out on video. I took you to the AMC when the third one came out."
I didn't remember it. I have trouble with a lot of things like that. I turned to Betsy who was staring at Haldir thoughtfully.
"I don't remember Haldir being a part of the fellowship."
"Because I wasn't."
The haughty elf stuck his nose up in the air and in reply Betsy mumbled several curses in Cajun that I had taught her. I smiled like a proud parent. Matt quickly caused me to frown though ",What are we going to do with them ? Where are they going to stay ?"
"I demand you send us back to Middle Earth this instant," Gandalf boomed angrily.
"Chill, Dandy Gandy. We can't send you back because we don't know how you got here." I thought hard for a moment (only a moment because it made me sleepy) then I asked ",How did you get here ?"
Haldir was the first (of course) to respond. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the four of us and I knew he didn't trust us. "I was patrolling the western borders of my home. My sentry ended and I went to cross the river. The rope gave way. Instead of landing in the water I fell on top of your car."
"I fell after the Balrog but darkness soon gave way to light. I landed on one of the inhabitants of Lady Betsy's abode," Gandalf replied, his heavy brows furrowed together.
"We were searching for Frodo when we became seperated," Aragorn was lost in memory. "Orcs had found us. I drew my sword in preparation for battle but came face to face with King Matt."
Mandy opened her mouth but I quickly clamped my hand over her face muffeling her smart comment.
Boromir smiled, pleased with something. "I am glad for whatever sorcery brought us here. An orc arrow was flying towards my heart."
I looked at the misplaced group with a small smile ",Well, I guess a trip to the mall is in order."
"Like you need a reason to shop," Betsy smirked.
Within half an hour we were in heaven, aka Mall of Louisiana. But the air there had changed. It seemed that danger was lurking in the shadows. Mallrats beware...fangirls now live here. No sooner had we stepped through the automatic doors we were swarmed by screaming pre-teens. But lucky for us fangirls can be easily decieved and distracted. Matt raised Gandalf's robes. The rabid girls stopped, gawked, then ran away screaming. That is when I noticed someone was missing ",Uhm, guys, where's Pippin ?"
Pippin, who I will call fool of a Took from now on, had wandered into a Starbucks. The girl's behind the counter were happily feeding him shot after shot of expresso. I charged up to Pippin and started to drag him away. As he made every attempt to break free he began to twitch. "I want more. NO ! WAIT ! I have to have more. Must have. Can't live without !"
The moral of the story: Never let a hobbit out of your sight. They will always find a Starbucks.
Next Chapter: Hyper hobbits make great alarm clocks.
Will Tina ever get over her memory loss and remember that Gollum fell into her world too ? Will Pippin's heart explode from an expresso overdose ? And what happens when the fellowship is taken to the French Quarter.
(A/N- Thank you as always to Nienna-yavetil and ZombieGurl98. I'm glad you guys like it and now here's an update. Yay me for not being lazy and procrastinating too much. And remember I love reviews they're like chocolate for me. Mmmmm...chocolate. And Nienna since you've reviewed like every chappie so far I'll mail Frodo to you at the end of the story.)
Chapter 4
Brainwashing by Corporate Coffee Producing Monopolies
I pulled into my parking space (actually the bus died) to see complete and utter chaos. Mandy was chasing after four leprechauns threatening physical harm if they didn't stop. Betsy was huddled in her car while an old man wearing a pointy hat with an arrow through it was banging on the hood of her car with a long stick yelling ",I demand to be sent back to whence I came this instant."
A short man weilding an axe was hacking away at a row of defenseless mailboxes. We all tumbled out of the bus. I could only gape at the mass destruction that was occuring. "Omanomanomanoman," Matt smacked me, sending me out of one babble and into another. "We're going to get evicted. My mom'll kill me then assume my identity so she can move into my dormroom and use my credit cards."
"Calm down, Tina."
I grabbed Matt's shirt in my hands on the verge of an anxiety attack. "Make sure my unfindable anonymous grave is in a nice place. I don't want my mom to dump me in the swamps for the alligators to snack on. I DON'T LIKE ALLIGATORS !"
"Tina..."
"MAKE SURE !"
"Fine."
"Thank you." I was calm now. "Now I'm gonna try to get their attention." I cleared my throat and took in a deep breath ",HEY MORONS !"
All attention turned to me. The elves clutched their ears looking angry. Boromir and Aragorn had drawn their swords. Mandy and her four halflings froze in place. Betsy stopped being a coward. The old man looked at me questioningly. The only reason the dwarf stopped was because his axe was stuck.
"Everyone follow her," Matt called, pointing to me.
I led the way to my apartment and thank goodness everyone followed. Once I had secured the door to prevent any possible escapes I looked to the group. "Sit," I barked like a Marine drill seargent. All did as I said including my three friends. I sighed rolling my eyes in hopeless frustration. "Not you three morons. You come with me. We're having a tribal council."
"Yea," Mandy clapped gleefully as the three of them followed me into the open kitchen ",We're going to vote someone off the island."
"Lets vote Mandy off," Matt replied sarcastically.
"Oh, oh, oh," Betsy was bouncing from foot to foot like a second grader who had to pee ",can I say the tribe has spoken ?"
"No to everyone. Now, what are we going to do with these guys ?"
"Boil 'em," Mandy cackled.
"Roast 'em," Matt hissed.
"Eat 'em raw," Betsy laughed manically.
"Uhm, excuse me, but we can hear you," Pippin called.
"My one moment of sanity and the rest of you have flipped." I stormed out of the kitchen looking at my guests. "I want all of you to tell me your names."
"Peregrin Took but you can call me Pippin."
"Meriadoc Bradybuck but everyone calls me Merry."
"Frodo Baggins."
Mandy and Betsy burst into the room giggling like mad school girls. "I know 'em. I know 'em," Mandy chanted. "That's Samwise Gamgee."
"Aragorn and Boromir," Betsy interrupted.
"Gimli and Gandalf," Mandy was drooling.
Betsy was beginning to look a little rabid. "Legolas and... and... and..."
"Haldir," the offended elf huffed.
"Okay," I was becoming a little frightened now as I backed away from the two. I was starting to recognize the looks on their faces. Glazed eyes. Love stricken expressions. Drooling. A lot of drooling. It was the look of the dreaded fangirl. "Did you guys get hit with radiation and suddenly become Jean Grey ?"
Mandy suddenly returned to normal (well, somewhat). She was still showing a very toothy grin. "You don't know who they are ?"
Matt chose to come out to join us so he and I chimed in together ",No."
"Its the fellowship."
"Ya know, of the ring," Betsy was still drooling like she'd just had a lobotamy.
Matt and I looked at each other before looking at the strangers then back to each other. Once again we echoed each other ",We haven't read that since sixth grade."
"Tina," Mandy now thought she was talking to a three year old ",we watched the first two movies when they came out on video. I took you to the AMC when the third one came out."
I didn't remember it. I have trouble with a lot of things like that. I turned to Betsy who was staring at Haldir thoughtfully.
"I don't remember Haldir being a part of the fellowship."
"Because I wasn't."
The haughty elf stuck his nose up in the air and in reply Betsy mumbled several curses in Cajun that I had taught her. I smiled like a proud parent. Matt quickly caused me to frown though ",What are we going to do with them ? Where are they going to stay ?"
"I demand you send us back to Middle Earth this instant," Gandalf boomed angrily.
"Chill, Dandy Gandy. We can't send you back because we don't know how you got here." I thought hard for a moment (only a moment because it made me sleepy) then I asked ",How did you get here ?"
Haldir was the first (of course) to respond. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the four of us and I knew he didn't trust us. "I was patrolling the western borders of my home. My sentry ended and I went to cross the river. The rope gave way. Instead of landing in the water I fell on top of your car."
"I fell after the Balrog but darkness soon gave way to light. I landed on one of the inhabitants of Lady Betsy's abode," Gandalf replied, his heavy brows furrowed together.
"We were searching for Frodo when we became seperated," Aragorn was lost in memory. "Orcs had found us. I drew my sword in preparation for battle but came face to face with King Matt."
Mandy opened her mouth but I quickly clamped my hand over her face muffeling her smart comment.
Boromir smiled, pleased with something. "I am glad for whatever sorcery brought us here. An orc arrow was flying towards my heart."
I looked at the misplaced group with a small smile ",Well, I guess a trip to the mall is in order."
"Like you need a reason to shop," Betsy smirked.
Within half an hour we were in heaven, aka Mall of Louisiana. But the air there had changed. It seemed that danger was lurking in the shadows. Mallrats beware...fangirls now live here. No sooner had we stepped through the automatic doors we were swarmed by screaming pre-teens. But lucky for us fangirls can be easily decieved and distracted. Matt raised Gandalf's robes. The rabid girls stopped, gawked, then ran away screaming. That is when I noticed someone was missing ",Uhm, guys, where's Pippin ?"
Pippin, who I will call fool of a Took from now on, had wandered into a Starbucks. The girl's behind the counter were happily feeding him shot after shot of expresso. I charged up to Pippin and started to drag him away. As he made every attempt to break free he began to twitch. "I want more. NO ! WAIT ! I have to have more. Must have. Can't live without !"
The moral of the story: Never let a hobbit out of your sight. They will always find a Starbucks.
Next Chapter: Hyper hobbits make great alarm clocks.
Will Tina ever get over her memory loss and remember that Gollum fell into her world too ? Will Pippin's heart explode from an expresso overdose ? And what happens when the fellowship is taken to the French Quarter.