Ascetic
Chapter 1:
It's been almost three weeks since I went to church with Race. My knife is my new best friend. It really helps a lot because now I don't have to find other ways to get rid of my built up emotions. My newsies have no idea what's going on, and I doubt they ever will. I won't let them. After all I'm Spot Conlon. And Spot Conlon is the very embodiment of willpower and self-control.
Or at least that's what everyone has to believe.
I'm starting to think that Race is on to me, because he has been coming over everyday. He always seems to be asking me if I'm okay. But I can never tell him. He's like a brother to me, although he will never find this out. He may have tried to share his way of overcoming his feelings...but I guess I was more selfish then he is. I'm going to keep this one to myself.
I went to grab my friend from under my mattress; after all I didn't want to keep my bloody knife where someone could find it easily.
I carefully smiled as I put it up...but someone knocked on the door. I silently placed it back in its special spot and went over to the door and slide it open. It was Race and he was smiling at me.
I quickly put on my fake I'm-so-happy-that-I-swear-I'm-going-crazy smile. He quickly walked in and pushed the door close.
I looked into his eyes; I could tell that he was worried. "Hey Race, what's up?" I asked.
"What have you been up to?" He asked, his smile was now gone.
"Nothing Race. I was just practicing my religion." I smiled again, he didn't.
"Alan, I know that you're doing something." I shuddered at his use of my real name. I swear that he is the ONLY one that could get away with calling me that. But then again I'm a great actor, so I don't have to worry about him finding out how much I hate my name.
My forced smile disappeared and my usual smirk returned, "So, what gave me away?"
I looked into Race's eyes. The pity I found there was almost sickening. "You've started smiling."
I quickly shook my head, "So?"
The pity in Race's eyes grew, "I've known ya since you came to Ellis Island, Spot. And until that Monday after you came to church with me, I never saw you smile. Ever."
I tried to force my smile back; it was worth a try, even if it wasn't fooling him. "Maybe I've just had a change of heart."
Race shook his head again, "Spot, Ya know dat I think of you like my brother right?"
Whoa, I wasn't expecting that. I forced my smile to grow, "Nah, but I did know that you loved Brooklyn more den ya love Manhattan."
He looked as though he was about to laugh, but it didn't come out. "Hey, I never said that."
"Yeah, but think about it. You spend most of yer time here. I mean heck, Sheepshead is here, and since you took me to church you've been coming over everyday."
"Yeah...but ya know my church is in Manhattan..." Race said looking down at the floor now.
I guess that's another thing to be happy for. I can cut myself anywhere, so I don't have to wait until Sundays. "So, why don't cha just move to Brooklyn? I mean you may as well."
Race looked up and glared at me, "Stop changing the subject."
"But Tony, I have no idea whatever you are talking about." I mocked as he continued to glare at me. Once again I am so thankful that I am Spot Conlon...
"Alan...Spot, listen to me. Whether you like to admit it or not, there's a lot of people that care a lot about you." Race looked over to me.
I smiled at him. But something was different about this smile, but I don't know what it was. "Listen, Race, I know that some of you care about me, but listen, I don't need people to care about me. I can take care of myself."
Race shook his head before turning around and opening the door, "Just don't do anything I won't do Spot."
As soon as he shut the door, I pretty much flew to my bed and ripped off the mattress grabbing onto my knife. For some reason my conversation with Race made me want it even more.
I took off my shirt and began to push the blade down on the back of my left forearm. It was right in the middle of two other ones. One of which was my first. I always cut myself on the back tanned part of my arm, because I just had a feeling that it wasn't safe to do it on the other side...yet anyway.
As soon as the blood started to flow out I heard a knock on the door again.
What the hell does Race want this time, I thought angrily as I pulled on my shirt and placed the knife in my pocket. I opened the door.
Race was there again.
"What the Hell do you want now Higgins?" I spat. I didn't like to be stopped when I was in the middle of a cycle.
Race quickly looked at the growing red stain on my left arm. "Spot, what did you do?"
I looked to the ground, for some reason I could decide whether I was proud of the blood or ashamed. I didn't know what to tell him; after all I wasn't planning on getting caught.
I looked him in the eyes, expecting to see the pity return, but instead they looked as if I had betrayed him. Race may have had a damn good poker face, but his eyes always gave away his feelings.
"I...I...cut myself." I whispered, stuttering like a two year-old who had just been caught stealing a cookie.
Race looked at me again, "Give me the knife, Spot."
WHAT? He wanted to take away my knife? My only true good friend.
"No." I said flat out as I pulled it out of my pocket and began to back away.
"Please Spot, I really don't want to see you get hurt." Race's eyes began to tear. I wanted to believe him. God knows I wanted to. But my mind couldn't get my mind off of the knife that was now in my hand once more. All I wanted to do was bleed, and all that was going thru my head was the fact that he wasn't letting me do that.
"If you don't want to see me get hurt then leave." I spat.
He shook his head as he jumped forward and grabbed the knife out of my hand.
"Give that back Higgins." I yelled.
Race shook his head, "No, I told you, I don't want to see you get hurt."
I glared at him, "You know I can take care of myself, Higgins."
He looked up at me, his eyes and face filled with concern, "I know that you can Spot." He paused. I placed out my hand for the knife. "But I don't think that you care anymore, Spot. If you aren't going to watch out for yourself, I will watch out for you."
I glared at him once more. Trust me, if this had been anyone but Race, I would have my knife back by now. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"
Race tried to force a smile, "Well, I guess I will listen to you when it comes to one comment that you made today."
I smiled and placed my hand out again.
He looked at it and placed the knife in his pocket. "I meant the one about me being in Brooklyn so much that I may as well live here."
I looked at him confused. "What do you mean?"
He grinned at me, "How mad do you think Jack would be if I became a Brooklyn Newsie?"
My jaw dropped, if he became one of my boys, he might tell the others.
I guess he could tell the worry that passed thru my head, because he smiled and placed his hand on mine. "Don't worry Spot, I won't tell any of your boys...I just want to make sure that you don't do anything that you might regret."
A/N: Whoa...that's so serious...it's starting to scare me. Well, I hope you all enjoyed it...well, now onto Shout Outs...but first my muses want to talk.
Racey!Muse: ::doing the parakeet type of head bop:: I'm one great friend aren't I, Spot?
Spot!Muse: I don't know, I'm just happy that she didn't make my name Jolyon this time.
Racey!Muse: If you want she can probably change that easily...
Spot!Muse: On second thought...I'm just happy she hasn't killed me.
Itey!Muse: ::upset over not being in the fic:: Just shut up and let her do shout outs...
Spot!Muse and Racey!Muse: Alright, now time for shout outs!
Shout Outs:
Gryffin Parker~ Hehe, you know how it is with authors don't ya? We (or at least I) always write about the subjects that I have to live with all the time. I never write about things that I am completely lost about...besides of course romance and slash...and truth or dare. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
TheLoneReed~ Well, I don't think its really that unique of a subject anymore. But ya know I'm trying to help my friend. But hopefully I will be able to help her and myself. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter.
shinigami nanoda~ Wow, I guess it's true then, you know one out of every ten teenagers is a cutter, like me and my friend. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter...but it's going to be kinda a really depressing story, because I have to get the point across.
Dreamer Conlon~ Thanks for the review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Saturday~ I know! I was asking my muses what the hell it was that I was having Spot do. But ya know, it makes sense...because he has to have some way to get rid of his emotions, since he doesn't show them that often in the movie...I dunno, I guess it just makes sense for him to do it, ya know.
SpecsGlasses~ Danielle (Chip) is trying to give me pink eye! But have no fear; I shall update some fics anyway. I really really hope that you liked this chapter. :'( I know what you mean poor poor baby. But you know he is the perfect character to do it.but then again I might just see some of the symptoms in him because of some certain reasons... Well, thanks for the review. SHE'S TRYING TO GIVE MY TEDDY BEAR PINK EYE!!!! (hey, do you want to write a fic together?)
Rannoch~ You reviewed on my fuckin' birthday. Remember when we were having fun swearing...you need to think about that when you get the urge, ya know. So, do you want to help me with the next chapter?? I know that I can do it by myself...but right now I'm kinda at the point of lets say "exploring" the great depths...if you get my innuendo...if you don't ask me about it. Thanks for reviewing my stupid fucking shithead Canadian Doll-face.
Plaidly Lush~ Okay, Okay, I'll update that freakin' fic once I get this one up, but only because everyone has been telling me too. Thanks for the review.
A/N: Thank all of you for reviewing, and please do it again. Oh, and what do you guys think about this becoming slash (Spot/Race) because I'm starting to think that I'm obsessed with slash.
Chapter 1:
It's been almost three weeks since I went to church with Race. My knife is my new best friend. It really helps a lot because now I don't have to find other ways to get rid of my built up emotions. My newsies have no idea what's going on, and I doubt they ever will. I won't let them. After all I'm Spot Conlon. And Spot Conlon is the very embodiment of willpower and self-control.
Or at least that's what everyone has to believe.
I'm starting to think that Race is on to me, because he has been coming over everyday. He always seems to be asking me if I'm okay. But I can never tell him. He's like a brother to me, although he will never find this out. He may have tried to share his way of overcoming his feelings...but I guess I was more selfish then he is. I'm going to keep this one to myself.
I went to grab my friend from under my mattress; after all I didn't want to keep my bloody knife where someone could find it easily.
I carefully smiled as I put it up...but someone knocked on the door. I silently placed it back in its special spot and went over to the door and slide it open. It was Race and he was smiling at me.
I quickly put on my fake I'm-so-happy-that-I-swear-I'm-going-crazy smile. He quickly walked in and pushed the door close.
I looked into his eyes; I could tell that he was worried. "Hey Race, what's up?" I asked.
"What have you been up to?" He asked, his smile was now gone.
"Nothing Race. I was just practicing my religion." I smiled again, he didn't.
"Alan, I know that you're doing something." I shuddered at his use of my real name. I swear that he is the ONLY one that could get away with calling me that. But then again I'm a great actor, so I don't have to worry about him finding out how much I hate my name.
My forced smile disappeared and my usual smirk returned, "So, what gave me away?"
I looked into Race's eyes. The pity I found there was almost sickening. "You've started smiling."
I quickly shook my head, "So?"
The pity in Race's eyes grew, "I've known ya since you came to Ellis Island, Spot. And until that Monday after you came to church with me, I never saw you smile. Ever."
I tried to force my smile back; it was worth a try, even if it wasn't fooling him. "Maybe I've just had a change of heart."
Race shook his head again, "Spot, Ya know dat I think of you like my brother right?"
Whoa, I wasn't expecting that. I forced my smile to grow, "Nah, but I did know that you loved Brooklyn more den ya love Manhattan."
He looked as though he was about to laugh, but it didn't come out. "Hey, I never said that."
"Yeah, but think about it. You spend most of yer time here. I mean heck, Sheepshead is here, and since you took me to church you've been coming over everyday."
"Yeah...but ya know my church is in Manhattan..." Race said looking down at the floor now.
I guess that's another thing to be happy for. I can cut myself anywhere, so I don't have to wait until Sundays. "So, why don't cha just move to Brooklyn? I mean you may as well."
Race looked up and glared at me, "Stop changing the subject."
"But Tony, I have no idea whatever you are talking about." I mocked as he continued to glare at me. Once again I am so thankful that I am Spot Conlon...
"Alan...Spot, listen to me. Whether you like to admit it or not, there's a lot of people that care a lot about you." Race looked over to me.
I smiled at him. But something was different about this smile, but I don't know what it was. "Listen, Race, I know that some of you care about me, but listen, I don't need people to care about me. I can take care of myself."
Race shook his head before turning around and opening the door, "Just don't do anything I won't do Spot."
As soon as he shut the door, I pretty much flew to my bed and ripped off the mattress grabbing onto my knife. For some reason my conversation with Race made me want it even more.
I took off my shirt and began to push the blade down on the back of my left forearm. It was right in the middle of two other ones. One of which was my first. I always cut myself on the back tanned part of my arm, because I just had a feeling that it wasn't safe to do it on the other side...yet anyway.
As soon as the blood started to flow out I heard a knock on the door again.
What the hell does Race want this time, I thought angrily as I pulled on my shirt and placed the knife in my pocket. I opened the door.
Race was there again.
"What the Hell do you want now Higgins?" I spat. I didn't like to be stopped when I was in the middle of a cycle.
Race quickly looked at the growing red stain on my left arm. "Spot, what did you do?"
I looked to the ground, for some reason I could decide whether I was proud of the blood or ashamed. I didn't know what to tell him; after all I wasn't planning on getting caught.
I looked him in the eyes, expecting to see the pity return, but instead they looked as if I had betrayed him. Race may have had a damn good poker face, but his eyes always gave away his feelings.
"I...I...cut myself." I whispered, stuttering like a two year-old who had just been caught stealing a cookie.
Race looked at me again, "Give me the knife, Spot."
WHAT? He wanted to take away my knife? My only true good friend.
"No." I said flat out as I pulled it out of my pocket and began to back away.
"Please Spot, I really don't want to see you get hurt." Race's eyes began to tear. I wanted to believe him. God knows I wanted to. But my mind couldn't get my mind off of the knife that was now in my hand once more. All I wanted to do was bleed, and all that was going thru my head was the fact that he wasn't letting me do that.
"If you don't want to see me get hurt then leave." I spat.
He shook his head as he jumped forward and grabbed the knife out of my hand.
"Give that back Higgins." I yelled.
Race shook his head, "No, I told you, I don't want to see you get hurt."
I glared at him, "You know I can take care of myself, Higgins."
He looked up at me, his eyes and face filled with concern, "I know that you can Spot." He paused. I placed out my hand for the knife. "But I don't think that you care anymore, Spot. If you aren't going to watch out for yourself, I will watch out for you."
I glared at him once more. Trust me, if this had been anyone but Race, I would have my knife back by now. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"
Race tried to force a smile, "Well, I guess I will listen to you when it comes to one comment that you made today."
I smiled and placed my hand out again.
He looked at it and placed the knife in his pocket. "I meant the one about me being in Brooklyn so much that I may as well live here."
I looked at him confused. "What do you mean?"
He grinned at me, "How mad do you think Jack would be if I became a Brooklyn Newsie?"
My jaw dropped, if he became one of my boys, he might tell the others.
I guess he could tell the worry that passed thru my head, because he smiled and placed his hand on mine. "Don't worry Spot, I won't tell any of your boys...I just want to make sure that you don't do anything that you might regret."
A/N: Whoa...that's so serious...it's starting to scare me. Well, I hope you all enjoyed it...well, now onto Shout Outs...but first my muses want to talk.
Racey!Muse: ::doing the parakeet type of head bop:: I'm one great friend aren't I, Spot?
Spot!Muse: I don't know, I'm just happy that she didn't make my name Jolyon this time.
Racey!Muse: If you want she can probably change that easily...
Spot!Muse: On second thought...I'm just happy she hasn't killed me.
Itey!Muse: ::upset over not being in the fic:: Just shut up and let her do shout outs...
Spot!Muse and Racey!Muse: Alright, now time for shout outs!
Shout Outs:
Gryffin Parker~ Hehe, you know how it is with authors don't ya? We (or at least I) always write about the subjects that I have to live with all the time. I never write about things that I am completely lost about...besides of course romance and slash...and truth or dare. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
TheLoneReed~ Well, I don't think its really that unique of a subject anymore. But ya know I'm trying to help my friend. But hopefully I will be able to help her and myself. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter.
shinigami nanoda~ Wow, I guess it's true then, you know one out of every ten teenagers is a cutter, like me and my friend. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter...but it's going to be kinda a really depressing story, because I have to get the point across.
Dreamer Conlon~ Thanks for the review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Saturday~ I know! I was asking my muses what the hell it was that I was having Spot do. But ya know, it makes sense...because he has to have some way to get rid of his emotions, since he doesn't show them that often in the movie...I dunno, I guess it just makes sense for him to do it, ya know.
SpecsGlasses~ Danielle (Chip) is trying to give me pink eye! But have no fear; I shall update some fics anyway. I really really hope that you liked this chapter. :'( I know what you mean poor poor baby. But you know he is the perfect character to do it.but then again I might just see some of the symptoms in him because of some certain reasons... Well, thanks for the review. SHE'S TRYING TO GIVE MY TEDDY BEAR PINK EYE!!!! (hey, do you want to write a fic together?)
Rannoch~ You reviewed on my fuckin' birthday. Remember when we were having fun swearing...you need to think about that when you get the urge, ya know. So, do you want to help me with the next chapter?? I know that I can do it by myself...but right now I'm kinda at the point of lets say "exploring" the great depths...if you get my innuendo...if you don't ask me about it. Thanks for reviewing my stupid fucking shithead Canadian Doll-face.
Plaidly Lush~ Okay, Okay, I'll update that freakin' fic once I get this one up, but only because everyone has been telling me too. Thanks for the review.
A/N: Thank all of you for reviewing, and please do it again. Oh, and what do you guys think about this becoming slash (Spot/Race) because I'm starting to think that I'm obsessed with slash.