The Chapter That Has Absolutely Nothing, And I Repeat Nothing, To Do With The Story
Pippin was still questioning Nienna when he heard a fell voice on the air. "I hear a fell voice on the air," he replied to no one in particular since his three friends were watching t.v. and Nienna had successfully knocked herself out.
Said fell voice let out an evil cackle and Pippin paled. Not because of the manacing laugh but because he had forgotten to breathe the entire time he was questioning Nienna. Pippin began to inhale and exhale. "Phew ! Good thing that fell voice let out an evil cackle or I might never have remembered to breathe."
Why is Pippin basically repeating everything I write ?
"Why am I repeating everything the authoress writes ?"
This is annoying.
"This is annoying."
I'm a dork.
"That's right !" Pippin laughed ",You're a dork."
Oh, forget it.
"Oh, for...." In a flash of light Pippin was gone. Hey ! I didn't write that. Where did Pippin go ?
"Mwahahahahahahaha...."
Eep !
Meanwhile at the Authoresses house....
Our authoress (to be called SouthernGirl or SG for short) has just plopped down onto her couch for a lazy day of not writing a single chapter for any of her stories since this was her day off from her lame job. Her two children, twins at that, were running about the house wreaking various amounts of havoc. Jordan, the girl twin, was ramming her demon horns into walls because she felt the house didn't have enough holes in it. Logan, Jordan's younger brother by two seconds, was on the internet looking at things he shouldn't while plotting different ways to open a hellmouth so he could throw his sister in. O.C., S.G.'s husband (who, by the way, was not nicknamed after the guilty pleasure series), was cooking dinner because he preferred to remain oblivious to the destruction being done to the helpless house.
S.G. decided she wanted to watch Lord of the Rings for the millionth time that week. O.C. hearing the DVD player come to life popped his head out of the kitching, groaning ",Not again."
"What," S.G. asked innocently. "Like you don't make me watch Critters every day."
S.G. hit the play button but the disc drawer slid open instead. S.G. pushed the button to close it and it did close before sliding back open. "What the hell is wrong with this piece of...."
"Language," O.C. called from the kitchen.
S.G. pushed the drawer button repeatedly causing the drawer to open and close, open and close, open and close, until a voice from the DVD player screamed ",Lay off the bloody button."
S.G. fell back on her butt as the other three occupants of the house ran into the living room. In a burst of white light Pippin was standing in the living room surrounded by pieces of the DVD player. O.C. fainted. S.G. began to cry for the loss of her beloved DVD player. The twins eyed Pippin like a piece of meat while saying ",Ooooh, look. A new friend."
Pippin, meanwhile, was twitching in pain from all of the tiny scratches the DVD player had given him and yelling ",OW ! OCH ! Oi! ACK! Owchie ! Oh, hell, I give up !"
"Look at what you did to my damn DVD player !"
"Language," O.C. mumbled, still out cold.
"Mommy, can we keep him. We promise we'll feed and water him everyday. And when he's bad we'll punish him," both twins echoed.
"No, you can't keep me. I'm not a dog."
"Peregrin Took, you are so paying for that DVD player."
Pippin looked down at S.G., since she was still sitting on the ground, and narrowed his eyes ",Do I know you ?"
"Fool of a Took. Yes, you know me."
"Ah !" There was a light of recognition in his eyes ",You're...."
"No ! Don't say my real name."
"Why not ?"
"I prefer to remain anonymous or S.G. if you really have to call me something."
"S.G. doesn't stand for anonymous but I'll call you that." Pippin looked over to the eight-year-old twins and beamed brightly ",Are they..."
"No," S.G. cut him off quickly.
"But they look like...."
S.G. clamped a hand over his mouth ",No...they...don't. Now why are you here."
"Mrph grk urg lrk."
"What ?" Pippin pointed to S.G.'s hand over his mouth and she quickly removed it from Pippin's face. "Oh, hehe. Sorry. Now why are you here ?"
"Right. Down to business. I was taken from Nienna's house and transported to a cow field where this girl who claims to be your muse lives. She asked me to deliver this letter to you."
Pippin presented the letter to S.G. who remained standing while she read it. It went something like this:
Dear SouthernGirl,
This is your muse writing this. If you don't get your lazy ass to the computer and write something right this instant I will be forced to take drastic measures. Do you know how many plot bunnies I currently have in my abode because of you ? 9,325 and 1/2. And they are constantly multiplying. You know how I hate cute, furry, cuddely things. Now write something and get rid of them. Or else.
Hugs with lots of blood
Aria
S.G. crumbled up the letter and threw it over her shoulder which seemed to terrify Pippin. "Do you have any idea what your muse is going to do to you ?! DO YOU !"
"I don't know nor do I care," S.G. said with a shrug.
"But you don't understand. She has powers. Horrible powers. And horrible machines that can do things to the plot bunnies."
S.G. just shrugged again. "I don't feel like writing."
"She knows your real name."
"Like she can tell anybody. She lives in a cow field. Ooooh, she'll tell the cows my real name. I'm so scared." S.G. saw a large white object move around Jordan's room which was right behind Pippin. S.G. peered over Pippin only to see her worst fear. There in Jordan's room were 9,325 and 1/2 plot bunnies but the muse Aria had changed them. They were red eyed, with fangs, were drooling horrid little puddles of spit, and were growling. S.G. ran over and closed Jordan's bedroom door. The mutated plot bunnies began slamming into it. It seemed that Aria has also made them stronger. The door began to spliter in places. S.G. quickly locked the door and yelled at the top of her lungs ",I'm not writing today !!!!"
S.G. ran to the front door and opened it only to run into two men dressed in black suits that looked suspiciously like Agent Smith. "Are you Tina Baker also known as SouthernGirl4615."
"Ahhhhhh!" Tina screamed ",You used my real name ! Now everyone knows !"
The two men looked unfazed by her outburst. "I'm Agent C and this is Agent D. We're from ff.net. Do you have in you home a hobbit ? One Peregrin Took also known as Pippin ?"
"Depends. Why're you looking for him ?"
"It seems that Mister Took is overdue for an appearance in a fanfic. A slash fanfic. A slash fanfic involving a Mister Boromir."
Horrid images flashed through Tina's brain and burned themselves a nice place there. Tina shuddered and slammed the door in the agents' faces. They began to bang on the front door. So the whole house was filled with the sounds of wood being pounded (oh, shut up you dirty minded people). Tina ran to Pippin and shoved him into the VCR. The VCR powered up and began to rewind. (Poor Pippin) Tina tuned out all of the noise around her and sat down on the couch once again. She turned on the TV and sighed ",I'm not writing today and no one can make me."
Under the couch a cute little pink nose stuck out and twitched. Then two glowing red eyes appeared along with a puddle of drool.
THE END
SouthernGirl: Please excuse the insanity above. Aria has now found a way to hack into my computer system. (sigh) I guess the above is a little revenge for not writing anything in a week or so. So now you guys have met my muse, Aria, who is an insane mutant vampire from Siberia who suffers from the following: cleptomania, insomnia, narcolepsy, ADHD, hypochondria, and agoraphobia. Funny she suffers from agoraphobia when she lives outdoors in a cow field. Anyway, next time:
Interlude Two, Dos, Deux....Muskateers...mmmmmm...chocolate
O.C.: Muskrats
SouthernGirl: What ?
O.C.: Muskrats....the plot bunnies looked like muskrats which sounds kinda like muskateers.
SouthernGirl: For some reason I don't want chocolate now.
Pippin was still questioning Nienna when he heard a fell voice on the air. "I hear a fell voice on the air," he replied to no one in particular since his three friends were watching t.v. and Nienna had successfully knocked herself out.
Said fell voice let out an evil cackle and Pippin paled. Not because of the manacing laugh but because he had forgotten to breathe the entire time he was questioning Nienna. Pippin began to inhale and exhale. "Phew ! Good thing that fell voice let out an evil cackle or I might never have remembered to breathe."
Why is Pippin basically repeating everything I write ?
"Why am I repeating everything the authoress writes ?"
This is annoying.
"This is annoying."
I'm a dork.
"That's right !" Pippin laughed ",You're a dork."
Oh, forget it.
"Oh, for...." In a flash of light Pippin was gone. Hey ! I didn't write that. Where did Pippin go ?
"Mwahahahahahahaha...."
Eep !
Meanwhile at the Authoresses house....
Our authoress (to be called SouthernGirl or SG for short) has just plopped down onto her couch for a lazy day of not writing a single chapter for any of her stories since this was her day off from her lame job. Her two children, twins at that, were running about the house wreaking various amounts of havoc. Jordan, the girl twin, was ramming her demon horns into walls because she felt the house didn't have enough holes in it. Logan, Jordan's younger brother by two seconds, was on the internet looking at things he shouldn't while plotting different ways to open a hellmouth so he could throw his sister in. O.C., S.G.'s husband (who, by the way, was not nicknamed after the guilty pleasure series), was cooking dinner because he preferred to remain oblivious to the destruction being done to the helpless house.
S.G. decided she wanted to watch Lord of the Rings for the millionth time that week. O.C. hearing the DVD player come to life popped his head out of the kitching, groaning ",Not again."
"What," S.G. asked innocently. "Like you don't make me watch Critters every day."
S.G. hit the play button but the disc drawer slid open instead. S.G. pushed the button to close it and it did close before sliding back open. "What the hell is wrong with this piece of...."
"Language," O.C. called from the kitchen.
S.G. pushed the drawer button repeatedly causing the drawer to open and close, open and close, open and close, until a voice from the DVD player screamed ",Lay off the bloody button."
S.G. fell back on her butt as the other three occupants of the house ran into the living room. In a burst of white light Pippin was standing in the living room surrounded by pieces of the DVD player. O.C. fainted. S.G. began to cry for the loss of her beloved DVD player. The twins eyed Pippin like a piece of meat while saying ",Ooooh, look. A new friend."
Pippin, meanwhile, was twitching in pain from all of the tiny scratches the DVD player had given him and yelling ",OW ! OCH ! Oi! ACK! Owchie ! Oh, hell, I give up !"
"Look at what you did to my damn DVD player !"
"Language," O.C. mumbled, still out cold.
"Mommy, can we keep him. We promise we'll feed and water him everyday. And when he's bad we'll punish him," both twins echoed.
"No, you can't keep me. I'm not a dog."
"Peregrin Took, you are so paying for that DVD player."
Pippin looked down at S.G., since she was still sitting on the ground, and narrowed his eyes ",Do I know you ?"
"Fool of a Took. Yes, you know me."
"Ah !" There was a light of recognition in his eyes ",You're...."
"No ! Don't say my real name."
"Why not ?"
"I prefer to remain anonymous or S.G. if you really have to call me something."
"S.G. doesn't stand for anonymous but I'll call you that." Pippin looked over to the eight-year-old twins and beamed brightly ",Are they..."
"No," S.G. cut him off quickly.
"But they look like...."
S.G. clamped a hand over his mouth ",No...they...don't. Now why are you here."
"Mrph grk urg lrk."
"What ?" Pippin pointed to S.G.'s hand over his mouth and she quickly removed it from Pippin's face. "Oh, hehe. Sorry. Now why are you here ?"
"Right. Down to business. I was taken from Nienna's house and transported to a cow field where this girl who claims to be your muse lives. She asked me to deliver this letter to you."
Pippin presented the letter to S.G. who remained standing while she read it. It went something like this:
Dear SouthernGirl,
This is your muse writing this. If you don't get your lazy ass to the computer and write something right this instant I will be forced to take drastic measures. Do you know how many plot bunnies I currently have in my abode because of you ? 9,325 and 1/2. And they are constantly multiplying. You know how I hate cute, furry, cuddely things. Now write something and get rid of them. Or else.
Hugs with lots of blood
Aria
S.G. crumbled up the letter and threw it over her shoulder which seemed to terrify Pippin. "Do you have any idea what your muse is going to do to you ?! DO YOU !"
"I don't know nor do I care," S.G. said with a shrug.
"But you don't understand. She has powers. Horrible powers. And horrible machines that can do things to the plot bunnies."
S.G. just shrugged again. "I don't feel like writing."
"She knows your real name."
"Like she can tell anybody. She lives in a cow field. Ooooh, she'll tell the cows my real name. I'm so scared." S.G. saw a large white object move around Jordan's room which was right behind Pippin. S.G. peered over Pippin only to see her worst fear. There in Jordan's room were 9,325 and 1/2 plot bunnies but the muse Aria had changed them. They were red eyed, with fangs, were drooling horrid little puddles of spit, and were growling. S.G. ran over and closed Jordan's bedroom door. The mutated plot bunnies began slamming into it. It seemed that Aria has also made them stronger. The door began to spliter in places. S.G. quickly locked the door and yelled at the top of her lungs ",I'm not writing today !!!!"
S.G. ran to the front door and opened it only to run into two men dressed in black suits that looked suspiciously like Agent Smith. "Are you Tina Baker also known as SouthernGirl4615."
"Ahhhhhh!" Tina screamed ",You used my real name ! Now everyone knows !"
The two men looked unfazed by her outburst. "I'm Agent C and this is Agent D. We're from ff.net. Do you have in you home a hobbit ? One Peregrin Took also known as Pippin ?"
"Depends. Why're you looking for him ?"
"It seems that Mister Took is overdue for an appearance in a fanfic. A slash fanfic. A slash fanfic involving a Mister Boromir."
Horrid images flashed through Tina's brain and burned themselves a nice place there. Tina shuddered and slammed the door in the agents' faces. They began to bang on the front door. So the whole house was filled with the sounds of wood being pounded (oh, shut up you dirty minded people). Tina ran to Pippin and shoved him into the VCR. The VCR powered up and began to rewind. (Poor Pippin) Tina tuned out all of the noise around her and sat down on the couch once again. She turned on the TV and sighed ",I'm not writing today and no one can make me."
Under the couch a cute little pink nose stuck out and twitched. Then two glowing red eyes appeared along with a puddle of drool.
THE END
SouthernGirl: Please excuse the insanity above. Aria has now found a way to hack into my computer system. (sigh) I guess the above is a little revenge for not writing anything in a week or so. So now you guys have met my muse, Aria, who is an insane mutant vampire from Siberia who suffers from the following: cleptomania, insomnia, narcolepsy, ADHD, hypochondria, and agoraphobia. Funny she suffers from agoraphobia when she lives outdoors in a cow field. Anyway, next time:
Interlude Two, Dos, Deux....Muskateers...mmmmmm...chocolate
O.C.: Muskrats
SouthernGirl: What ?
O.C.: Muskrats....the plot bunnies looked like muskrats which sounds kinda like muskateers.
SouthernGirl: For some reason I don't want chocolate now.