A/N: This chapter really sets this story away from all my other works to date. I'm really sorry that I hadn't update for a while, but I was working on something else. Well, I hope you enjoy it. (And realize that it's kind of slash)
Ascetic
Chapter 2:
It's been almost an entire week since I last had a 'religious' experience, yet Race is still babying me. I hate to admit it but I'm kind of starting to enjoy being the center of his universe. Although, it feels really nice to have Race with me, another part of me wants to kill him for all that he's done to me, for taking away my knife, but mostly for making me have to deal with the all the stress and emotional pains of life.
"Spot?" Race's voice forces me out of my current state of mind.
"What is it now? Am I not allowed to breath because I might get sick?" I spat out.
Race looked at me hurt and I felt kinda sorry for yelling at him, but it was true, I hurt myself just as much breathing as I do cutting.
"It's nothing really Spot. It's just that it's Sunday and I'm going to church." Race whispered.
"So, I guess that means I have to go and get mocked by that Jesus guy's blood right?" I said, not meaning to be mean, but I guess it's just how I feel.
"No, I think I should try trusting you to be alone after all you haven't even tried to cut for at least a weeks, right?" Race said as he started playing with his bow tie.
"Hey Race, how 'bout I walk you as far as the café next to the bridge, eh? After all I'm a growing boy right?" I tried to smile. You know I'm really not THAT bad of a guy.
Race put on a smile, which I could tell was forced. "You know Spot, when you smile like that it doesn't help me with believing you're not up to something."
I tried to look hurt, but he was right. I never smile unless I'm up to something...the only problem is that I don't know what I'm up to yet... Maybe I just don't want him to leave me by myself. Maybe I, Spot Conlon, am afraid to be alone.
Race sighed, "Oh well, I have to cut the apron strings sometime right?"
I had to laugh, "Apron strings? More like a ball and chain!"
Race's forced smile turned into a real one, "I haven't been that bad have I?"
I nodded, "Come on, you don't wanna be late and miss the tasty blood, right?"
Race and I quickly walked out of the lodging house. We talked about just about everything on that walk, everything that is besides my 'problem' as Race puts it. We arrived at the café shortly before noon.
Race smiled at me and grabbed my left hand , forcing me to face him, "Spot, be carful, okay?"
I smiled at him, "Why are you so kind to me? I mean I don't even care that much about me."
Race looked down at the ground as a bit of red filled his cheeks, "You're my best friend, and I lo-like you, a lot." He looked into my eyes as though he was pleading for an answer.
"You better hurry Race, I don't want to keep you from your God."
Race smiled at me slightly, "Please, just don't hurt yourself okay? I mean I don't know what I'd do if anything where to happen to you?"
I smirked back at him, "What am I supposed to hurt myself with, eh? I mean you still have my knife, and I don't think my sling shot will work if I'm trying to shot myself."
The church bells began to ring noon. Race was late to church. "Please just promise me that you won't do anything stupid."
God, he's awful at trying to look okay when he's pleading like that. "Yeah, I guess I promise, Race."
"Spot, do you really mean it?"
"God, Higgins, I said I promise, now leave before I soak ya." I took a step toward him.
He smiled slightly then backed off, "I guess the old Spot Conlon is finally back."
I took another step towards Race before he ran towards his church. Man, was that strange or what? I mean what does he mean by 'I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to you.' I mean I know what he's do, he'd go crazy then force Jack to stop smoking because he might 'hurt himself'. Or he might sew Mouth's...um...mouth shut because whining isn't good for him.
My smirk grew a little as I thought of little David Jacobs with his mouth sewn up. I turned to walk into the café.
"Hey! I want a glass of milk and a sandwich." I yelled as I sat down in my usual chair. And yes, you heard it right. I, Spot Conlon, drink milk. But you know that doesn't make me any less threatening because you know what? Bulls drink it and they're threatening right? Or at least the animal ones are.
Well, as I was still trying to convince myself that there is nothing sissy about drinking milk. The waiter came and set my food in front of me. "Don't eat it all at once kid." I glared at him before he quickly corrected himself, "Mr. Conlon, sir. I'm sorry it's just that I haven't seen you for a week...so, is your milk cold enough, sir?"
"Yes, get out of my face Joe." I said. He quickly ran back behind the counter. Man, it's good to be feared. I picked up the glass to take a drink when something Race had said hit me like a ton of bricks, 'I lo-like you, a lot'
The glass dropped from my hands onto the floor and shattered, knocking me out of my current state of mind. "Don't worry, Joe. I'll pick it up." I yelled to the waiter.
I leaned out of my chair when I caught something out of the corner of my eye. It was the sun reflecting off some of the glass, which meant a sharp edge. It was like some sort of sign from God or something telling me that I needed to cut. That Sunday was a day of rest, and that this was my way of resting.
From the minute I picked up that piece of glass everything seemed to move in slow motion. I left the café, with the shard of glass held tight in my hand. I could already feel the blood starting to exit my skin. It felt so good that I could think of doing anything but cutting my arm again, but this time on the inside part of my arm, where it's easier to hide it.
Once I got into the alley, I placed the piece of glass on my wrist and began to push it in. But the glass felt different from the smooth clean cut of the knife. I could instead feel the much thicker edge breaking as small pieces of glass mixed with the blood within my veins before it exited.
But it felt different for another reason as well. Race. I had promised not to hurt myself, not to hurt him like this. For the first time it finally hit me why Race didn't want me to hurt myself... He cared about me to the point that it hurt him more than me. Although, I got to feel the freedom bleeding brought he say only the physical scars, and my loss of self-control.
Race had been right all along; I wasn't the same Spot anymore. I wasn't even a shadow of my formal self. I was nothing. Nothing, but a whiny little boy who cut himself instead of facing his problems.
I tried to pull the glass out of my wrist but I tripped and it went in farther, too far. My sense of freedom was replaced by fear. Fear that I wasn't going to be able to stop. 'Please,' I prayed to the God that I could only hope existed, 'Please help me.'
The last thing I saw before it went black was Race's face, with a single tear passing over his left cheek.
For the first time in my life, I had broken a promise. Now I really am nothing.
A/N: Whoa, now can you tell that it's different from everything else. Well, I think I'm going to boast the rating because it's so dark now, but I hope that won't change the meaning behind it. And now for Shout-outs:
Rannoch- Whoa, I don't think I could've written that seven months ago. Well, it's very graphic isn't it? Well, I hope your Jack!Knife!Muse has started behaving.
Liams Kitten- Sorry that it wasn't soon...but I updated that's worth something right? And lookie, it is very quickly become slash :'( Poor Race. Thanks for the review.
Thistle- I'm glad to here that you liked it and I hope you liked this chapter. Well, Spot would've hit Race, but it's just that he doesn't have that kind of willpower anymore and he was kinda ashamed. Thanks for the review.
SpecsGlasses- Wow, I'm starting to get good habits, I mean I've updated twice today. beams with pride Well, I hope you liked it. And can you get the hint that you need to update yet? Well, thanks for the review.
Obsessed wit' Aaron Lohr- I like that quote little sis, very insightful for once. Well, I hope it didn't scare you that much. Thanks for the review.
SpotLover421- Look I not only made it SLASH, but I also updated. Well, I hope you liked it even though it is very dark.
Gryffin Parker- Hehe, I think that right now I need to update like Just Fooling Around or something then I can get out of this really dark mood, ya know. Well, I'm glad you like it.
Saturday- Sorry I made you wait so long for this chapter, it's just that I wasn't ready to write it back in December. Well, I hope you enjoyed it.
Ascetic
Chapter 2:
It's been almost an entire week since I last had a 'religious' experience, yet Race is still babying me. I hate to admit it but I'm kind of starting to enjoy being the center of his universe. Although, it feels really nice to have Race with me, another part of me wants to kill him for all that he's done to me, for taking away my knife, but mostly for making me have to deal with the all the stress and emotional pains of life.
"Spot?" Race's voice forces me out of my current state of mind.
"What is it now? Am I not allowed to breath because I might get sick?" I spat out.
Race looked at me hurt and I felt kinda sorry for yelling at him, but it was true, I hurt myself just as much breathing as I do cutting.
"It's nothing really Spot. It's just that it's Sunday and I'm going to church." Race whispered.
"So, I guess that means I have to go and get mocked by that Jesus guy's blood right?" I said, not meaning to be mean, but I guess it's just how I feel.
"No, I think I should try trusting you to be alone after all you haven't even tried to cut for at least a weeks, right?" Race said as he started playing with his bow tie.
"Hey Race, how 'bout I walk you as far as the café next to the bridge, eh? After all I'm a growing boy right?" I tried to smile. You know I'm really not THAT bad of a guy.
Race put on a smile, which I could tell was forced. "You know Spot, when you smile like that it doesn't help me with believing you're not up to something."
I tried to look hurt, but he was right. I never smile unless I'm up to something...the only problem is that I don't know what I'm up to yet... Maybe I just don't want him to leave me by myself. Maybe I, Spot Conlon, am afraid to be alone.
Race sighed, "Oh well, I have to cut the apron strings sometime right?"
I had to laugh, "Apron strings? More like a ball and chain!"
Race's forced smile turned into a real one, "I haven't been that bad have I?"
I nodded, "Come on, you don't wanna be late and miss the tasty blood, right?"
Race and I quickly walked out of the lodging house. We talked about just about everything on that walk, everything that is besides my 'problem' as Race puts it. We arrived at the café shortly before noon.
Race smiled at me and grabbed my left hand , forcing me to face him, "Spot, be carful, okay?"
I smiled at him, "Why are you so kind to me? I mean I don't even care that much about me."
Race looked down at the ground as a bit of red filled his cheeks, "You're my best friend, and I lo-like you, a lot." He looked into my eyes as though he was pleading for an answer.
"You better hurry Race, I don't want to keep you from your God."
Race smiled at me slightly, "Please, just don't hurt yourself okay? I mean I don't know what I'd do if anything where to happen to you?"
I smirked back at him, "What am I supposed to hurt myself with, eh? I mean you still have my knife, and I don't think my sling shot will work if I'm trying to shot myself."
The church bells began to ring noon. Race was late to church. "Please just promise me that you won't do anything stupid."
God, he's awful at trying to look okay when he's pleading like that. "Yeah, I guess I promise, Race."
"Spot, do you really mean it?"
"God, Higgins, I said I promise, now leave before I soak ya." I took a step toward him.
He smiled slightly then backed off, "I guess the old Spot Conlon is finally back."
I took another step towards Race before he ran towards his church. Man, was that strange or what? I mean what does he mean by 'I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to you.' I mean I know what he's do, he'd go crazy then force Jack to stop smoking because he might 'hurt himself'. Or he might sew Mouth's...um...mouth shut because whining isn't good for him.
My smirk grew a little as I thought of little David Jacobs with his mouth sewn up. I turned to walk into the café.
"Hey! I want a glass of milk and a sandwich." I yelled as I sat down in my usual chair. And yes, you heard it right. I, Spot Conlon, drink milk. But you know that doesn't make me any less threatening because you know what? Bulls drink it and they're threatening right? Or at least the animal ones are.
Well, as I was still trying to convince myself that there is nothing sissy about drinking milk. The waiter came and set my food in front of me. "Don't eat it all at once kid." I glared at him before he quickly corrected himself, "Mr. Conlon, sir. I'm sorry it's just that I haven't seen you for a week...so, is your milk cold enough, sir?"
"Yes, get out of my face Joe." I said. He quickly ran back behind the counter. Man, it's good to be feared. I picked up the glass to take a drink when something Race had said hit me like a ton of bricks, 'I lo-like you, a lot'
The glass dropped from my hands onto the floor and shattered, knocking me out of my current state of mind. "Don't worry, Joe. I'll pick it up." I yelled to the waiter.
I leaned out of my chair when I caught something out of the corner of my eye. It was the sun reflecting off some of the glass, which meant a sharp edge. It was like some sort of sign from God or something telling me that I needed to cut. That Sunday was a day of rest, and that this was my way of resting.
From the minute I picked up that piece of glass everything seemed to move in slow motion. I left the café, with the shard of glass held tight in my hand. I could already feel the blood starting to exit my skin. It felt so good that I could think of doing anything but cutting my arm again, but this time on the inside part of my arm, where it's easier to hide it.
Once I got into the alley, I placed the piece of glass on my wrist and began to push it in. But the glass felt different from the smooth clean cut of the knife. I could instead feel the much thicker edge breaking as small pieces of glass mixed with the blood within my veins before it exited.
But it felt different for another reason as well. Race. I had promised not to hurt myself, not to hurt him like this. For the first time it finally hit me why Race didn't want me to hurt myself... He cared about me to the point that it hurt him more than me. Although, I got to feel the freedom bleeding brought he say only the physical scars, and my loss of self-control.
Race had been right all along; I wasn't the same Spot anymore. I wasn't even a shadow of my formal self. I was nothing. Nothing, but a whiny little boy who cut himself instead of facing his problems.
I tried to pull the glass out of my wrist but I tripped and it went in farther, too far. My sense of freedom was replaced by fear. Fear that I wasn't going to be able to stop. 'Please,' I prayed to the God that I could only hope existed, 'Please help me.'
The last thing I saw before it went black was Race's face, with a single tear passing over his left cheek.
For the first time in my life, I had broken a promise. Now I really am nothing.
A/N: Whoa, now can you tell that it's different from everything else. Well, I think I'm going to boast the rating because it's so dark now, but I hope that won't change the meaning behind it. And now for Shout-outs:
Rannoch- Whoa, I don't think I could've written that seven months ago. Well, it's very graphic isn't it? Well, I hope your Jack!Knife!Muse has started behaving.
Liams Kitten- Sorry that it wasn't soon...but I updated that's worth something right? And lookie, it is very quickly become slash :'( Poor Race. Thanks for the review.
Thistle- I'm glad to here that you liked it and I hope you liked this chapter. Well, Spot would've hit Race, but it's just that he doesn't have that kind of willpower anymore and he was kinda ashamed. Thanks for the review.
SpecsGlasses- Wow, I'm starting to get good habits, I mean I've updated twice today. beams with pride Well, I hope you liked it. And can you get the hint that you need to update yet? Well, thanks for the review.
Obsessed wit' Aaron Lohr- I like that quote little sis, very insightful for once. Well, I hope it didn't scare you that much. Thanks for the review.
SpotLover421- Look I not only made it SLASH, but I also updated. Well, I hope you liked it even though it is very dark.
Gryffin Parker- Hehe, I think that right now I need to update like Just Fooling Around or something then I can get out of this really dark mood, ya know. Well, I'm glad you like it.
Saturday- Sorry I made you wait so long for this chapter, it's just that I wasn't ready to write it back in December. Well, I hope you enjoyed it.