I don't know why I kissed Roxanne tonight.
I just did. It felt necessary at the time. But now it just feels like a stupid mistake. A very stupid mistake.
I'm in love with Lucy, not Roxanne.
Roxanne is just my partner at work and a friend. I ride around in a car with her patrolling the neighborhood pretty much every single day. We work together. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes the talks we have are about personal things. Sometimes they're on just any random subject that comes up. We are just friends.
Lucy is not only my friend...but also the woman of my dreams. How I love her.
That's probably why I blew up at Lucy and Chandler and kissed Roxanne tonight. When Roxanne and Simon told me Lucy could be at the church alone with Chandler...something inside of me snapped. Thoughts of Lucy and Chandler together raced through my head. Thoughts of them holding each other closely. Thoughts of them kissing. It killed me
That's why I blew up at Chandler, accusing him of being on a date with Lucy. And that's why I blew up at Lucy, accusing her of being on a date with Chandler. When all Lucy and Chandler were doing was talking.
I remember little bits of stuff Chandler had told me. "This is not a date." "We were just talking." "Lucy came out of the pool hall and looked upset and I offered to talk to her..." Stuff like that.If only I believed him. If I only I believed Lucy. If only I hadn't of kissed Roxanne.
Sure, Lucy and I made up in the end. But I can sense that she's still mad at me. Mad at me for being so jealous and untrustworthy...just like she is with Roxanne.
Jealously...that's why I kissed Roxanne. Pure and utter jealously. And I hate myself for letting tonight go the way it did.
Lucy and I had our relationship tested tonight. I now know I can trust her alone with another man. But what about me alone with another woman? Would I kiss her like I did Roxanne? Would I blow up at her like I did at Lucy and Chandler? Would Lucy ever trust alone with another woman again, Roxanne included?
It's true...one kiss can change everything. And not always for the better.