Inuyasha: Banana Parody
Chapter 1: Banana Rum
By Banana Rum :: Kalliel Inuyaksa and Fiori
Disclaimer: Quite obviously, we do not own Inuyasha. If we did, we'd publish our work and get money for it instead of post it here. We also do not own Cheez-its, Bananas in Pajamas, HBO, Beowulf (thank God), Ebay, any of Laura Ingalls Wilder's works, Pokemon and anything related to it, Safeway, etc.
Opening Thoughts: Well, here it is, our debut work! It's not the first thing ever published, but it WAS the first written (we just really suck at typing, so it took a while.) This is more a mature adult humour story, hence the rating. If you are strongly against slightly yaoi circumstances, profanity, andÉwell, bad stuff like that, don't read this.
Kanna gazed into her mirror. Why was the stupid thing always so clouded? She wanted to see what lay ahead in her future. "Nothingness..." she whispered. The mirror's milky surface neglected to clear.
"Hm?" an elegant woman in a courtly kimono responded. She had silky black hair, held in place with two feathered hairpins. Her jade earrings completed the ensemble, with red tassels hanging off the bottom. "What, Kanna? Did you say something. I'm a little busy, if you know what I mean. I need to finish knitting my blanket for Sesshomaru's Tamaseseri festival present."
Kanna continued to stare intently at her mirror while her younger sister continued knitting. Kanna thought she saw something. A dark shadow started clouding the edges of the mysterious mirror. Slowly, the black shadow/mist formed into the shape of a ghastly image of Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippo, Miroku, and Sango. They were climbing up the hill where Naraku's lair was-coming straight at it! Kanna shivered unconsciously. No matter how Naraku and Kagura taunted the group about their weakness, Naraku secretly harbored a respect of their strength, and Kagura knew that eventually they would claim Naraku's life and everyone born of him. That meant Kanna too. "Nothingness, it's what i represent, so why do i feel fear?"
"Kanna, give it a rest, will you? Tonight is the night of the new moon. Naraku will be gone, and Inuyasha..." Kagura complained. She still hadn't gotten very far, and the string had a habit of tangling itself.
Kanna silently stood up and went to consult the almanac to see if tonight really was the night of the new moon. She was always scared on nights there was no moon. it wasn't because the world looked so vast and empty- she loved it like that- it was because Naraku was reduced to a bubbling lump of demons. There was no one to protect her.
Outside, there was a lot of noise all of the sudden. Kagura cursed about halflings being loud and obnoxious and "Why can't he be more like his brother? Curse him." She dropped her knitting, and stood up to take a look outside.
"Yo..." Koga said. Long time no see."
"Eh?" Kagura blinked. "What are you doing here?" She looked around. Kikyo was there too... and...Sesshomaru?
"Didn't you invite us to a stargazing party?" Koga asked. "My Kagome brought the snacks." The last comment warranted a punch from Inuyasha.
"Erm...Sure...Why not?" Kagura sighed. Naraku sure did weird things when he was drunk. Like invite people to parties.
Meanwhile, Kanna, much to her relief, found that it was not the turning of the cycle as Kagura predicted. Merely a lunar eclipse. This was going to be fun! Maybe Rin would be here and they could play. Kanna laughed and ran out to meet everyone.
Finally, Naraku came out to greet his guests. He was dressed in a VERY odd little happi coat with embroidered Shikon Jewels on it.
Of course, Sesshomaru was oblivious to the whole 'party' thing. He came to kill Naraku. Naraku was totally oblivious to Sesshomaru's intentions.
"You must be Jokin''', Sesshomaru's servant." Naraku said, totally serious.
Sesshomaru gazed at him questioningly. "?"
Naraku laughed good heartedly. "Get it? Jokin'''', Jaken? Whoo, I kill myself. I must be Jokin'''' too! Ha ha ha!"
Sesshomaru slowly edged away, before just running away as fast as possible.
"Naraku, I'm supposed to be the psycho witch!" Kagura complained.
"Naraku..." commented Kanna, who was eating potato chips with Inuyasha, "...is losing it."
"Hey!" Kikyo pouted. "I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE PSYCHO WITCH!!" She didn't want her position as creepiest character stolen by a detachment of Naraku's.
This outburst from Kikyo resulted in a shouting match. It was Kagura's large lungs against Kagura's equally strong ones. Kanna, Inuyasha, Koga, and Shippos felt their eardrums on the brink of explosion. Kanna, because she was NOTHINGNESS. The shouts took up much of the comforting void of the room; Inuyasha, Koga, and Shippo's due to their demonic hearing powers.
"NO!! I'M THE PSYCHO WITCH!!" Kagura screamed.
"Oh yeah," Kikyo said, her voice full of malice. "if you think so, let's take this outside."
"We already ARE outside. "Kagura taunted.
They glared at each other for about a minute, waves of power rolling off them somehow, by a miracle of the fictional world of manga, flames were enveloping everything as well.
Kanna screamed because the bright light hurt her eyes and she ran into the kitchen.
Kikyo and Kagura paid no attention. They both ran from the front porch to Naraku's glorious courtyard. and started the battle. Kagura whipped her fan up from her kimono sleeve, and Kikyo drew bow equally as quick. Purifying arrows and blades of wind flew back and forth rapidly.
"Hm...This is better than anything on TV back at home, even on HBO!" Koga commented. Then, his hand touched Inuyasha's.
"You...PERVERT! And to ME! You're becoming like Jakotsu!" Koga shouted.
"Me? YOU'RE the one holding my hand!" Inuyasha pointed out angrily.
Koga gave Inuyasha an extra hard squeeze with his strong fist, crushing the dog-demon's finger bones.
Inuyasha let out a yelp of pain and bit Koga.
"Eew! Rabies!" Koga accused.
Meanwhile, Shippo found out how Koga ended up holding Inuyasha's hand. The snack bowl with Cheez-Its in it was empty. He tried to tell them, but they had already begun an all out war, alongside Kikyo and Kagura, who were still going at it.
The air around Naraku's domain was getting harder and harder to breathe. Kagura and Kikyo were breathing extremely hard, wheezing in fact. Kikyo was down to her last two arrows. "Shit." Kikyo thought. This is not going well. Kagura was thinking the same, even though she was the wind, there was only a limited amount of air around the palace. Summoning air from far away was hard. This battle was going to be doomed unless...
"I need back-up!!!" Kagura and Kikyo screamed. At first, nobody did anything and sat there stunned. Who's side would they take?
Kagura and Kikyo both decided that the bystanders weren't going to be of any use, and reached for the nearest weapon. Kikyo lunged for Inuyasha and snatched the Tetsusaiga from him. Kagura saw Kanna's mirror lying on the couch in the living room, and quick as lightning picked up the mirror. Now both girls were armed with weapons, and were as dangerous as ever.
Kikyo (somehow) nocked Tetsusaiga, instilling the demonic blade with purity, and shot it at Kagura.
Kagura winced. "Damn it." She couldn't avoid it. Then, by some miracle (depending on whose side you're on) Naraku's new detachment walked in front of Kagura on the way to the bathroom, and was blown up. Confetti was invented.
Naraku was sad, but only momentarily. He had too much sakŽ to drink again, and he was loopy. He was vainly trying to sell Sango some bananas.
"NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE ANY BANANAS!" Sango roared irritably. Naraku (being the genius that he is) was shoving bananas up his nose, in an attempt to sell his product.
"Stop it, you idiot! Get away from me!" Sango said. A mighty slap resonated in the courtyard. Yet another brawl had started. Inuyasha and Koga were still arguing about who was the pervert, while Shippo was trying to tell them there were no Cheez-its, Kikyo and Kagura were battling with Tetsusaiga and Kanna's mirror, while Sango was wildly swinging Hiraikotsu and Naraku was rambling on about bananas and shoving them up his nose.
In the midst of all this chaos, Miroku was meditating, and Kagome was up on the roof (once again, somehow) doing her English (yes, ENGLISH) assignment, a Beowulf diary.
"WHAT KIND OF MORONIC IDIOT WOULD WANT TO WRITE THIS?!" she screamed. Of course, no one noticed. Kagome was beginning to get irritated. Kagura was making it drafty, can Kikyo's aim was always closer to HER than Kagura. In addition, Hakudoushi (Naraku's detachment) was still raining down on everybody as confetti. Kanna was up here WITH her, commenting on Kagome's writing style, Inuyasha and Koga were at it again, and everything smelled like bananas.
"I DON'T WANT ANY BANANAS!" Sango's voice rang out. "Besides, that shoving bananas up your nose thing is just plain gross."
So Naraku decided to attempt another way to sell his bananas. They were top quality, you know. He snorted the bananas out of his nose like missiles and two new bananas popped into his hands. Suddenly, he started cradling the bananas as if they were babies. "I will name them Banana 1 and Banana 2. How cute!!" Naraku exclaimed. Then, he pulled a needle. some string. and some cloth out of nowhere. He started sowing rapidly. "Oooh!!! They're done now!' Naraku squealed like a little girl. He put the tiny, white and blue striped clothes on the bananas. "Banana's in pajamas, are walking down the stairs," sang Naraku as he played with the bananas like dolls.
Finally, everyone got tired and signed the Peace Treaty of Naraku's Castle. Shippo almost starved to death, but then it was dinnertime. While eating, they decided to get to know each other better.
"Yo." Koga said. Somehow he ended up sitting next to Inuyasha, who was still mad at him for breaking his hand. "I'm Koga."
"Inuyasha."
" Kikyo. The OFFICIAL psycho witch."
" Will everyone be quiet? I'm trying to write my Beowulf diary."
"Sango. Kohaku is my brother. You hear that Naraku?"
"Too late. I already sold him on Ebay. I bought some llamas though, if you want want one."
"Shippo, the kawai'i kitsune fox!"
"I am Kagura. I may not be the psycho witch, but I an one odd little muffin!"
"..." Kanna said nothing, but nobody cared.
"Miroku."
"I'm Naraku! I graduated from Dark Minds Interior Decorating in 1502, with a Bachelor's degree in Temple Decorating...blah blah blah."
He didn't really say "Blah blah blah", but nobody was listening to his life story, not even Banana Rum. Somehow, while Naraku was talking about his education, Inuyasha and Koga's hands found each other again. for some reason, Koga didn't notice, but Inuyasha did. Oddly, he didn't flinch or take his hand away. Koga's hand was rough and calloused, but his touch was soft. As Inuyasha studied Koga intently, he realized how handsome Koga was. Those furs that covered him were so luxurious, and besides, mini skirts were SO in! Koga felt a prickly feeling on the back of his neck. As he turned to the side, he noticed that Inuyasha was staring mesmerized by him. But it was not with the usual "I'm going to kill you" look, it was one of lust, and hope. Koga was about to pull his hand away and slap him, (then he could be just like Sango) but he stopped. Those deep, amber eyes Inuyasha had were captivating. The golden pools seemed to pull Koga in, and he didn't resist.
"Inuyasha?" Koga whispered.
"Yeah, Koga-kun?" Inuyasha said softly.
"Hey Naraku?" Kagura whispered. "What's going on?"
Naraku didn't answer. He seemed to be doing the same thing with Kikyo. Strange thing was, Kikyo was enjoying it.
"Ah!' Kanna exclaimed. "Eh?" Kagura jumped at the sudden outburst.
"My mirror works again! I guess i was getting bad reception in the other room. Or maybe i forgot to pay my Cleric images bill... Anyway, it works. It seems that Naraku drugged the mushrooms.
"Ho! That explains it!" Kagura felt a little sick. She decided to go relieve herself in the outhouse.
Meanwhile, Koga and Inuyasha decided to see how heartfelt their newfound love was by going on a walk along the beach. (How the beach got there, who knows? Probably plot reasons.) For a while, Koga and Inuyasha walked silently, hand in hand. Suddenly, Koga knelt on one knee.
"Inuyasha, will you marry me? Let's just put out behinds in the past-I mean, our pasts behind us, and forget about everything except each other. Here, I'll say it first. I'm sorry for all the things I've ever done to hurt you." Koga said hopefully. "I'm sorry I don't have a ring."
Inuyasha sat there, stunned for a while. Finally, he answered. "Yes, I will. And I'm sorry too. for everything."
Inuyasha and Koga ran away, hand in hand, off to have some time to themselves.
Sesshomaru stared blankly at the two, who were eloping. He had heard every word. Now he felt amazingly stupid. So, Inuyasha was actually a girl. Now he felt even worse about sticking his hand through his chest. How perverted!
Anyway, yes Sesshomaru had made his triumphant return. Rin was being baby-sat at Saigoku by Jaken, so Sesshomaru decided to go to Naraku's Nite Club, for some zesty lemon fun.
Sesshomaru arrived at Naraku's Nite Club needing a good drink. This was where the lemony zest fun came in. "Bartender!" Sesshomaru yelled. "Get me a Lemony Fun, with two shots of extra zest!" Sesshomaru was also feeling very troubled due to Inuyasha's secret. Hence the two extra shots of zest.
Shippo, completely oblivious to everything, realized there was STILL no more Cheez-Its. So he went to go find some. Unfortunately, he was sucked in by the Cheez-It box, and was never heard from again.
Back to Sesshomaru. After twenty-five minutes, Sesshomaru had downed five glasses of Lemony Fun. Each time he had asked for more and more zest.
"Hey! Man! Yeah, you!" Sesshomaru slurred at the bartender. "More Lemony Fun! Make sure to put eight shots of zest!" Sesshomaru was losing it.
"Are you sure, Lord Sesshomaru?" asked the bartender.
"Please," said Sesshomaru, "Call me Fluffy."
The bartender looked at him suspiciously. "Fluffy?"
"Yeah. And get me some lemon meringue pie."
Now everyone knows that lemon meringue pies are non-alcoholic, but for some reason, this one was. In fact, all the items at Naraku's Nite Club were thought to contain dangerous substances, even the things that were supposedly non-alcoholic.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Kagome had finally finished her Beowulf diary. then, on a sudden whim, she decided to bake muffins. It was actually Kagura's idea. Odd little muffins! Kagome smiled at the thought and set off to find Naraku's kitchen.
After 30 minutes of wandering and asking the water sprites that lived in the pond, Kagome found the kitchen. Immediately, she started rummaging around in the cupboards, and pantry for muffin ingredients, and tools. Strangely, Kagome couldn't find anything to flavor her muffins with. So she resorted to using some mysterious mushrooms that looked like Shippo's warning signs, with a touch of lemony zest, left over from Naraku's Nite Club. After they baked, Kagome decided to find someone to test them on- I mean, let them taste her wonderful creation. the first person she found was the very intoxicated Sesshomaru, a.k.a. Fluffy.
"Hey! Sesshomaru! Wanna try a muffin?"
"Who's that? I'm Fluffy." Sess- I mean Fluffy drawled.
Without waiting for a reply, Kagome stuffed a muffin into Sesshomaru's mouth.
By a sheer miracle of nature, it seemed to have an amazing effect on alcohol-induced minds, and Sesshomaru became the first character to be normal in this story! Note: Remember other mushrooms-induced affections, and the power of the muffin.
Kagome was surprised at the effects of her muffins. "Hmmmm. Maybe I should try one. It did wonders for Sess- well, Fluffy. Maybe it'll help me with school." with that, Kagome popped a whole Shippos warning, lemony mushroom flavored muffin into her mouth. Kagome stood there for a very long time, Sesshomaru was LOOOOOONG gone, he was normal now. Unfortunately, since Sesshomaru had been crazy, and the muffins calmed him down, it was bad to Kagome. Since Kagome had already been calm, now Kagome was extremely stupid. Quite like a lovable Psyduck we all know. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Naraku appeared and found a dumb Kagome standing in the middle of his kitchen. He picked her up, and after an hour, had sold her to a tropical asylum on eBay. Naraku then somehow transported her there. Plot reasons people. (Naraku also has an eBay account.)
Meanwhile, Kikyo called the Shichinitai Vineyard Wedding Co. She and the sexy Naraku, her soon-to-be husband, were going to get married there. Unfortunately, another couple had the same idea.
" What do you mean, you don't support gay marriages??!" Koga shouted. "You better change your mind or we will wreak havoc on you!!!!" The secretary on the other side of the phone hastily agreed, though she told him that they would have to share the vineyard with another couple, Kikyo and Naraku. (dramatic music)
"What???!!! THIS NEEDS TO BE PRIVATE!!!" Koga yelled even louder into the phone (the phone is just there) "Ya hear that?!! PRIVATE!!! Just me, my guy and the priest dude!!! That's it!!!" Koga slammed the phone down forcefully. "Koga, honey, try to keep your temper down." Inuyasha said sweetly. "I know our tempers can flare up, but did you have to take it our on the secretary?"
Koga replied tartly, "Well, guess who we're supposed to be sharing our wedding with? Guess who??!! Well, I'll tell you! It's with Kikyo and Naraku!"
Inuyasha's eyes started to gain an evil glint. "Oh really...."
"Rin want to play Twister!!" Rin screamed excitedly, jumping onto Jaken's shoulders for a piggy-back ride.
"Mph." Jaken protested into the carpet of Sesshomaru's bedroom. Lately, the Lord of Saigoku had taken an interest in the classic art of Feng Shui.
All of the sudden, a bright light filled the room.
"We are aliens. come to reclaim our child." the aliens said, in all cheesiness.
"You are odd little muffins." Rin said. it paid to be raised by a demon who had a psycho witch with cool language usage.
The aliens ignored her, and threw a red and white ball at Rin, She went into it.
"All right! I caught..." the alien struck a victory pose and twisted his cap backwards. "Rin!"
About that evil glint in Inuyasha's eyes... that means he's almost back to normal except he's plotting WITH Koga instead of against him, is about to be married to him, and is madly in love with him.
Anyway, Inuyasha and Koga were unable to change the fact that they had to share the vineyard. The people in attendance for the wedding were Kanna and Kagura, Kaede, the entire wolf-demon clans of the north, south, east, and west, including the heartbroken Ayame, and Sesshomaru. As you can tell, it was strictly a family affair.
All of the sudden, the lunar eclipse foretold a LONG, LONG time ago happened. For the briefest moments the moon was dark, Inuyasha's hair went black, and Naraku was reduced to a useless sticky puddle of demons.
"Aw, damn." Naraku cursed. Kikyo might not sleep with him if she knew about this.
"Not in all my centuries..." Sesshomaru breathed in astonishment. "Inuyasha! You bitch!"
"Female...dog?" Inuyasha said, confused.
"Why didn't you ever tell me your hair was black in real life? And you're a GIRL!! My own bro- I mean- my own sister!" Sesshomaru broke down into tears and flew away. Evidentally, he went back for some more lemony fun with zest after Kagome got dumped in a tropical asylum.
The wedding continued on without him though, Even though it was to be a happy ceremony. Ayame cried the whole time. Loudly. Actually, she was bawling. It was not a happy time at all really. Koga and Inuyasha's ears were ringing the whole time. and they didn't even hear the priest/bishop dude ask if they would wed in holy matrimony.
"Speak now, or forever hold your peace." the dude announced. All of the sudden, Sesshomaru appeared out of nowhere.
Noooooo!!! My dear brother! I mean, sis- wait- broth- Noooooo!!!" Sesshomaru howled. "I can't bear it! Waah!" and with those words Sesshomaru fell onto a row of fresh grapes and started choking. Out of the blue, he clutched his heart and gasped once more. His beautiful clothes were stained with grape juice. What a way to die...
And so the wedding continued...Kikyo was a little disappointed about the grapes, since now all there was was bananas at the fruit bar. Then, Sesshomaru went to his true form and squished all the bananas too. Kikyo was happy!
Anyway, away from al the festivities, Kagura and Kanna were feverishly searching for a cure to the drugged mushrooms. Kanna was looking through an atlas of rare plants, but she didn't really like to look at mushrooms, so she just counted hom many times the letter 'K' appeared on the page.
"Kanna! How do you spell mushroom?" Kagura asked. "Oh nevermind. Why the hell should I care what the fuck Naraku does? Let's go to..." Kagura looked at the atlas. "The Limpopo River." And so they went to the Limpopo River."
To be continued in Chapter 2: Banana Smoothies!
Author's note: Yay! The first chapter of our debut work, Inuyasha Banana Parody! Ok...this is not what we usually write, or the way we usually approach things. At all. This story was written under the influence of alcoholic candy, so blame it all on the marzipan. Yes, the marzipan...In the next chapter, we meet Mario and the Nintendo crew, some people at 7-Eleven and their Windex, evidence that Kikyo CANNOT cook, and a whole bunch of other fun stuff. Oh, yes. And fireworks. Kagome gets her hands on fireworks. Everyone hide.