Hey! I updated!!!! Keep in mind that I redid this whole thing, because I hav to try and get some more people in. (This would be the shortest chapter you would read from me, but things have to be said.... I need to get a few things straight.) Well, first things to say..... I do not own Naruto, and I would like to thank the two reviews I got.
jinky-kurapica : Hey!! Thank you! I am happy some ppl enjoy my first Naruto story! If u can think u pa tital I can use, pleaz tell me!!! And sure, I will try mi best to put the jinky missing-nin in the story! About the jutsus part...... I do not kno..... I read the Chinese version of Naruto, and I do not kno..... ;; about the plot, I hav no idea.... I finished this story already, but I decided to change the ending....so it works better. Thanz for reviewing!
Iluvsasuke : I am really happy you like it as well! And if you can, help me think up a tital as well? Thank you for reviewing!!!
KuroiItami
: I will post your review here for all to see.
I love reviews, but if you want to tell me something, I would love it
if you can put it in a nicer way. "Wow, just...wow. I have never
seen a fanfic with so many Mary Sues before. I congratulate you for
writing a fanfic that contains the MOST Mary Sues I've ever seen.
Let's move onto your story now, shall we?
First, let's
see why I see this fanfic so horribly...wrong. Let me ask you, you do
know how people graduate from the academy, correct? Those who are
aiming to become ninjas graduate from this academy not only by
written tests, but by their talents they learned during their
lessons. Here, eight (eight freaking Mary Sues! My dear lord, the
world's coming to an end...) people randomly get selected to become
ninjas by passing one freaking test. Let's see here, what I
remember correctly in episode one of Naruto (AND chapter one of the
Naruto manga) students graduate from the academy by being tested on
their ninja skills (like the Bushin no Jutsu, in which was Naruto's
worst skill). Also, the WHOLE CLASS tend to graduate from the
academy, unless they fail to do the skills the teacher has assigned
them to do (one reason why Iruka SENSEI (please, for the love of the
Japanese language, if you want to use the language THAT badly, AT
LEAST spell them correctly; you are SERIOUSLY insulting the Japanese
language by continually misspelling ONE simple Japanese word) wanted
to fail Naruto). I highly doubt Iruka would only pass eight (out of
27, I do believe) students in his whole class. This only shows that
these eight students are major Mary Sues that have come to destroy
the already infested Naruto fandom (would it ever be pure again?
sighs sadly)
Since we're still talking about the BASIC
facts of the Naruto world, let's discuss another aspect that is
just totally incorrect in your fanfic. If you TRULY read the Naruto
manga, you WOULD know that only 33.3...% (basically, a third of the
students in the class) would become Genins. So if the class had 27
students, only nine of those students would become Genins, while the
rest are forced to take another year at the academy. That also means
that there would be ONLY three teams that consist of ONLY three
students in each team. Here, only eight students pass, which throws
Kishimoto-sensei's calculations out the window. Also, another
aspect in which you totally ignored is that these Genin teams would
remain a three person team, and ONLY three students are allowed in
each team. Teachers WILL NOT random stick new students in these
teams.
Now, let's move onto what's wrong with the content
of your fanfic. Your whole chapter is completely...choppy. There are
grammar errors EVERYWHERE, and that literally makes me wince. I can't
even read the first two paragraphs of your story without sitting
there trying to decipher what in the world you're trying to say. If
you really want to make your fanfic legible, can you at least get it
beta'd before you post it? You'll be doing the readers a HUGE
favor if you do so. (Actually, taking this fanfic down is the BEST
favor any readers can ever appreciate...I'm serious). Not only are
there grammar errors, but spelling errors also; you can't even
spell liar correctly (and you're trying to use the Japanese
language? What kind of author are you?) At least perfect your English
language first before using another language! I know Japanese,
Chinese, Korean, hell, almost all of Asia speakers that have better
English than you. Maybe you should retake your English class first
before you continue writing, now isn't that a great idea?
Oh
boy, your fanfic has my Mary Sue radar blaring red at me like crazy.
I understand some authors want to put in OCs in their fanfic, but
doing so can result into writing a fanfic FULL of Mary Sues running
around contaminating the anime characters, or to put in short, your
fanfic. Yes, your story is the perfect example of a Mary Sue fanfic.
And seriously, your Mary Sues are making me gag. Once again, I MUST
congratulate you for writing one of the most HORRIBLE Mary Sues I've
ever read and literally making me want to puke. For one thing, who
would have a demon named Connie (What. The. Fuck? I'm sorry, that
is the WORST I've ever seen). Another thing, how can a singer and
dancer be a freaking spy? Aren't singers and dancers usually
pretty...open? Spies are the masters of stealth, and MUST be hidden
when they are doing their job, so wouldn't it be difficult for a
singer and dancer to be a spy? Yes yes, this is YOUR character, and
YOUR story, so you can do whatever you want, right? Please, that is
being BEYOND childish, so before you continue writing, grow up, ok?
To have a character that can perfect talents that are total opposites
has the words Mary Sue written all over it, and it sickens me to no
end. So before I run to the bathroom and empty out my stomach, I must
make one more comment; for the sake of Kishimoto-sensei and the
Naruto fandom, take this freaking fanfic down. I do believe other
readers do not want to have the same fate as me when they are reading
this story."
Thank you for flaming me!! You are the first person that flamed me in this whole thing!! Good job! claps but I am sorry, if you do not like this story, then please do not read it, and put the rude remark. This is my story, as you said so your self, and even if I cannot spell things right, please respect it. I would love it if you can write a story for me to criticize all day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is where the story starts again.
"Darn! I forgot about that!" Kimo cursed. "HIYYAH!" Ioanne opened her fan with grace and flicked sleeping powder with needles out of the fan. Yoshi charged into the fight. "THERE we go!!" Ioanne ran to attack Goldie. "Goldie, get the pill on the floor!" yelled Kimo as he ran out of range of the powder, and prepared for the next attack.
Neji beat Naruto to his ribbon when he dropped it, and Sakura's two ribbons were taken by Ten-ten because of her weapon's attack. Lee was still battling Sasuke. Kiba's and Ino's team stood side by die, watching the battle.
"I am cheering for Kimo AND Ioanne, then!" Declared Kiba. "Ioanne has good taste in dogs, and Kimo's dog has good taste in friends!!" Akamaru barked agreement. Ioanne threw a well aimed needle with sleeping powder coated all over the needle at Kimo, and it hit bull's eye. (Sorry, I took a whole chunk of fighting scene out....)
"Guess I won," Ioanne muttered. Yoshi took the ribbon, as Goldie barked. "Yeah, I know, I am not fighting fair, so don't you start with me now, Stancy." Ioanne said before Stancy or Kokoro opened their mouths. "Jeez...." Stancy opened her bag of herbs she found, and sprinkled it all over the area to wake Kimo up, and to clean up the mess they have made.
They heard clapping, and turned around to face the Hokage.
I told you this would be short.... Please PUT A COMMENT!!! sorry, but I hope you review!