Date begun: 7th August 2004
Date finished: 14th August 2004
Disclaimer: the usual. Song credits to Melissa Tallon, Powderfinger, John Farnham, Human Nature, Quindon Tarver, 3 Doors Down, INXS
Dedication: To Elle, who always encourages me to write fics, and because she's such a good mate. Also for Ash because she's still hanging in there.
Note: Sorry for the excessive use of lines from songs in this fic so far. So many of them are just so fitting though and I so badly want to include them! :o) Please tell me if they are out of place or I should get rid of any, or if it's good the way it is, as I want your opinions.
One in a million
PJ was slowly becoming used to putting his other face on when he walked into work every morning. It had been less than a week since Jo's death and he knew everyone at the station was confused by his lack of emotion over her passing. That was because his colleagues only saw one side of PJ, and his emotional side stayed at home in bed everyday, mourning the death of Jo like it would never end. And that was how PJ felt, even at work, even when he only let his tough exterior side show. He felt like he would never stop feeling sad at not having Jo in his arms again. His life was feeling emptier by the day.
Nick was being so persistent with the case that PJ was able to keep his mind off Jo during working hours, but when he came home to the emptiness of the house he once shared with the woman he had now lost forever, his heart broke all over again. He was losing his appetite and would just wander around the house for a while every night after work, before settling into bed early and staring at the ceiling, although not really seeing it. Tears would stream down his face, but he barely felt them leaving the salty trails on his tanned skin and melting into his pillow. What he couldn't ignore though, was the pain his heart never let go of.
It tore him apart to see his colleagues affected so deeply by Jo's death, but at the same time, he was not in the least bit surprised. She was a friend to everybody, always. Susie, Ben, Jonesy, Tom, Chris, Clancy, Marissa, Sam, Tess, Jack, Rochelle and most of all, him. What was he going to do without her? He needed her. He needed to hear her laugh, he needed to hear her voice, he needed to see her on the job, he needed to see her cry, and more than anything he needed to touch her and hold her again. His heart ached for her touch.
As PJ lay in bed, just four days after the explosion, just four days after he had lost Jo, he thought long and hard about the relationship he had had with her. It felt like it had been only for such a short time – now that it was over. He knew it was largely his fault their engagement was broken off. He hated himself for not being able to get over Maggie, and for not realising how precious Jo's love was. Before Jo's death he had thought Maggie was who he still pined for and wanted to be with, but now, now that he didn't have Jo anymore, he realised he should've let go of Maggie when he had the chance to, and taken a hold of Jo's love and devotion in the way he should've, and then maybe things could've worked out. Maybe they could've been happy and be sleeping side by side right now.
I never expected to, have to say goodbye to you so soon
PJ hugged his pillow, the creases etched into his face and he longed for Jo. The room was dark and not too much later he heard Ben walk through the front door, padding silently to his room where he closed the door swiftly. Ben had learnt to not disturb PJ when his door was closed, and for that PJ was grateful. He knew Ben missed Jo too, but could barely handle his own pain, let alone somebody elses. And that, he realised, was why everyone at work were so bewildered with his attitude towards Jo's death. He was just trying to not see the pain in their eyes so that he wouldn't hurt even more. He put his mind on the job and it stayed there for the whole shift. The prying eyes of his colleagues were always on him, waiting for a moment of emotion, where his composure might collapse. But he never let it. Not in front of them. Their sympathy would only make him sadder.
Nick had asked PJ to come to the Imperial, and share a beer like old times that afternoon. PJ had gone along, for Nick. For old times. But his heart wasn't in it. He slurped away at his beer while Nick chatted like everything was ok, but PJ wasn't really listening. His eyes wandered around the crowded bar. He knew Jo had probably sat on every stool, eaten at every table, split a million beers on Chris's clean bar. Every night they had laughed together over a drink, after a hard days crime fighting, and he had loved every moment. When Jo laughed, everyone laughed. It was the sweetest sound PJ had ever heard, and he longed to hear it once more. Just once more.
Everything he saw reminded him of Jo. Everything. He couldn't get her off his mind, yet at the same time he didn't want to get her off his mind because he was terrified of forgetting her. He had to hold onto everything he remembered about her, so that, in a way, she would always be with him. He needed to keep the memories fresh and clear, like he had just lost her yesterday.
He wished feverishly as he sat there next to Nick that he had cherished their every moment together more deeply. He'd taken it for granted in a big way. No wonder she wasn't happy. He thought he had given her what she wanted, but he'd done just the opposite. He had no talent for knowing what people close to him wanted. He always just assumed, and he was so often wrong.
He knew he couldn't hate her for leaving him, for breaking off their engagement, despite the fact he was so excited to be getting married at last. But why did they have to take her from him? He would've died for her, even though in their last two days when Jo was alive you'd never have known, the way he acted during those days were nothing short of shameful, but he really did still love her. And now he could no longer see her smiling face. His eyes welled with tears and he looked away so that Nick wouldn't notice.
I could've screamed at you, for leaving me behind
In the middle of a sentence PJ interrupted Nick and gave him a pat on one of his broad shoulders. He gulped down the last bit of his beer and thumped the glass back down on the bar. "Gotta go Schultzy," PJ said, managing a very fake smile. Before Nick had the chance to respond PJ was heading out the door, back to his own loneliness where all he could think of was Jo.
Waiting on his doorstep was Suse. He had momentarily forgotten that she had cried at work the other day. He had heard her telling Jonesy that she missed Jo. He had listened from out in the office and felt exactly the way she had. She knew how he was feeling and he knew how she was feeling. With a sad, understanding smile he stepped out of the car and stood on the driveway looking at Susie. She looked up, brushing the tears from her cheeks and returned a similar smile.
Sitting down next to her, PJ picked up her hand. "I really miss her," she said simply, looking into eyes that reflected her own sadness. PJ nodded silently, understanding far more than she realised. They held each other, crying into each others shoulders silently, and feeling comfort at the thought of someone grieving in the same way they were.
PJ and Susie felt they could talk so much more easily among their older colleagues than the new members of the station. PJ could never reveal his feelings to Joss or Amy, he felt like he hardly knew them, and Susie and the rest of the 'old' station felt the same. PJ smiled at Susie through his tears. Together they got up and walked into the house where PJ prepared two cups of hot coffee.
As they settled at the kitchen table, Susie at last spoke up. "PJ..." she wasn't sure how to begin. "This is the first time...the first time I've seen you cry," the tears were still present in her own eyes.
PJ could do nothing but nod. He couldn't seem to get the words out. "I...I..." PJ looked Susie directly in the eye. "I've cried Suse, believe me I have. It's just not when anyone else can see me."
"Oh PJ," Susie patted his hand thoughtfully.
"It tears me apart to see you guys so devastated, and I just can't cope with your grief as well as my own. So I save it for when nobody is around."
Susie nodded, understanding, and wrapped her hands tightly around her mug of coffee.
"You're being really strong PJ," Susie whispered. "You really are," she finished, tears forming in her eyes.
Later that night, PJ crawled into his empty bed. It felt huge as he lay huddled over to one side. Whenever Jo had lain beside him, the bed had always felt just the right size, perfect for the two of them. But now, now that she wasn't there, it felt huge, like he was a lone fish in the sea.
PJ ran his hands over the space next to him, concentrating so hard he could almost feel Jo beside him again. But then, with a blink of his eyes, the feeling was lost and he again felt alone in the pitch black room. The silence of the room, mixed with the incredible feeling of emptiness that seemed to be a permanent weight on PJ's heart and shoulders these days, made a tear slip down PJ's cheek and disappear into the cotton of the bed sheets. His heart ached for Jo, and he let himself cry into the night.
I just wanna say that I miss you
As the night wore on, PJ finally succumbed to sleep. But slumber didn't give PJ's mind a rest from his grief. As he slept, he dreamt vividly of Jo, the dream almost like a movie, rolling through every encounter he'd ever had with her. The very day he met her and the last time he saw her. Just as the dream was getting to the final time PJ saw Jo he was woken. As he lay in bed shaking, the tears poured down his face as he suddenly realised he couldn't remember the distinct last moment he had seen Jo. PJ sobbed into his pillow, devastated.
This was what he had been afraid of the most. Losing his memories of Jo was like losing her all over again. He grappled in the dark towards his bedside table, and pulled out a photograph of the two of them. He smiled through his tears at the picture, taken just a few months earlier – it not only showed his beautiful girl, but in the picture they were together, his arms around her, and they were happy. He remembered the night it had been taken, with Ben behind the lens. They had been so incredibly happy and so carefree, like they would never part. They both had always just assumed they would be together forever and nothing would break them apart, but they had no idea at the time what a tumultuous couple of months were ahead.
I burn for you, what am I gonna do?
The next couple of days were to be just as tumultuous s the past week had been. PJ was beginning to crumble inside, as the pressure was beginning to get to him. The rest of the station was beginning to function normally once more, and it alarmed PJ that they were getting back to their usual selves so quickly. Why hadn't he been able to do that? As he pondered this thought, a little voice spoke in the back of his mind. 'Because Jo was your life and you loved her'. He shook his head for being so confused.
The death of Jo hadn't affected the new members of the station in the slightest. And why should it have? PJ said to himself. They had never even met Jo. They knew nothing about her, except what they had heard from others. PJ thought it was sad – they had never had the privilege of knowing such a sweet person. They had missed out. He felt a surge of happiness that lasted just a few quick moments. He had had that privilege.
The new members were being so polite, and were trying their hardest to accept everyone elses grief. PJ pitied them for a minute – such a station, with such an atmosphere, couldn't have been the most pleasant of new jobs. And PJ appreciated the fact that, despite the conditions, none of the new officers pressed on the issue of Jo's death. Or Clancy's.
Because he could feel himself crumbling inside, PJ threw himself into his job, hoping to maintain composure. And then his and Nick's hard and frustrating work suddenly paid off. The Baxter's were to blame. A little part of PJ had suspected it all along, but he had forced himself not to go to such extreme lengths to prove it like Tom had. He knew that wasn't the way to find the scum who had killed his Jo.
And as the crew settled down at the pub later that night to celebrate their successes, although still rather sombrely, PJ and Nick retreated to the area near the staircase that led up to the rooms after taking in Tom's latest comment. At first PJ and the rest of the station were shocked at Tom's attitude, but had now become used to his bitter tongue. Some of them felt he would never be the same again. This saddened PJ, because if that were to happen, the new members of the team would never get to have a brilliant Boss. Nick was strong, and shrugged off Tom's words simply by walking away, but PJ couldn't do the same so easily. But with a reassuring handshake and an exchange of friendly words, Nick had made PJ feel a little better about the entire situation, and was on his way back to Melbourne.
Float away without a sound
Later on, despite PJ feeling an incredible urge to get home to his own space again, he stayed on at the pub, sitting at a table with Jonesy and Susie. He knew being around his workmates was good for him, and he forced himself to smile and talk and sip frothy beers. It had to be good – he was around people who remembered Jo just as fondly as he did, and who knew her on almost the same level he had. And suddenly, without anybody realising it, the subject of conversation turned onto the mushrooms in Chris's pepper sauce. And Jonesy turned to PJ just as PJ turned to face him and they said together "Nobody tells me anything. I'm like a mushroom, kept in the dark and fed on..."
And PJ laughed. He had tears in his eyes, but he was laughing. You could never mistake Jo's sense of humour; it was one in a million. He looked around at his friends and realised they were doing the same. Jo could always make them laugh. Susie gave PJ's hand a squeeze and he wished it was Jo that was squeezing his hand, as she so often did. She had loved to hold his hand.
Not much later, PJ farewelled everyone and made his way home, for once making the trip with Ben. He felt like they hadn't spoken in days, and in all truth, they probably hadn't. PJ had noticed the thing with Susie, but he had also noticed one thing Ben hadn't. Susie's face had regret written all over it. But Ben was blinded by his sudden love for her and he didn't see it. PJ didn't want to upset Ben though and spoke to him with a voice overflowing almost with normalcy.
"So did Susie like the watch?" Ben had asked PJ for advice a few days before, concerning the gift. PJ had been of little help, which had resulted in Ben going out and spending way too much on a totally unnecessary gift.
Ben hesitated for a moment, not sure to admit in embarrassment that Susie had refused the gift after only having it for a short time. "Ahhh, well," Ben stumbled on his words, looking at the gravel under his feet as he and PJ walked home. "She ahhh, she kept it for a while, but gave it back to me this arvo," Ben kicked a rock along the road as he walked. "Said she couldn't possibly accept it or something," he mumbled, embarrassed.
PJ looked up. Seeing Ben's hurt face, he patted him on the back, trying to act like the best friend he was supposed to be. "Oh well Benny Boy, maybe something else? Something a little less special," PJ said as they reached the front door.
"Hmmm yeah maybe," Ben muttered, making his way to his bedroom without a second glance.
For a change, PJ settled onto the couch in the living room rather than succumbing to the urge to be alone with his sadness in the darkness of his bedroom again. The heater going beside him, he settled into the soft cushions and opened up a photo album that he had eyed coming in the front door just a few moments earlier. He couldn't remember whose it was, and so flicked it open with interest. And as soon as he saw the first photo, he knew whose it was.
It had been his years before, but just months ago, when Jo had still been alive, she had insisted that they merge the album and she stuck in photos of herself and her family as well as photos of herself and PJ. He smiled as he looked through them. To his surprise, his eyes were dry and he realised it was because he had no reason to be sad looking at this album. It was bursting with pictures of Jo and himself, happy and in love. They weren't sad pictures.
As he flicked through the pages, it was as if another movie was playing through his head, just like the dream had. But this was a movie of Jo's life. He came across a photo of her on her Academy graduation day, wearing her dress uniform and beaming for the camera, happy as Larry and proud as punch. Another photo showed Jo again on graduation day standing with the graduates of the mounted section. He was surprised Jo had never applied for mounted police, as she loved horses in such a big way, and the photo showed. She was hugging a horses neck, her smile a mile wide.
There were so many photos of Jo in the album PJ almost felt overwhelmed. Her face was everywhere and it was always smiling. She had such a cheeky grin, like she was playing a little game with the camera. He at last came across photos of the two of them, that grin still there. And in the photos PJ's face mirrored Jo's. Her smiling nature was contagious. And PJ had caught the bug. He smiled broadly at the thought.
Just as he was about to close the album, thinking there were no more pictures to see, a small weathered photo fell out of the back. It was a photograph of PJ and Maggie, together one night at the pub, pre Jo days. Staring intently at the photo PJ at last began to understand Jo's feelings, the feelings she had felt when she had broken their engagement. PJ and Maggie had shared a love that shone through to everyone, no matter how much they tried to hide it, and Jo was smart, she had always seen it too. PJ had loved Maggie in an incredible way, and Jo had wanted so badly for PJ to love her in the same way. And he hadn't been understanding, he hadn't tried to see her point of view.
I know you've been hurting, I've been waiting to be there for you
He mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. He could have easily held onto Jo, but he had just let her go, without even trying. Sure, words had come out of his mouth, he had tried to get her to stay, but they were just words, they weren't actions and they weren't what she needed PJ to be. As he slipped the photo back in between the albums pages he placed it back underneath the coffee table and lay down on the couch. He cried and cried, because he missed Jo so much and would give anything to have her back – to make it up to her and make things right, and do what he should have to make her stay.
There's a truth begging to be told, as the blues grab and take a hold
To continue like this only acts as a force for no good
I just want to say that I miss you, and I've felt pitiful since you've been gone
I'm just trying to say I need something I can lean against
There's a weight dragging through my days that I spend trying to fill the space
That's been there since the day we parted and made our goodbyes
And I just can't believe when I wake up that you could be gone
For days PJ had kept Jo's engagement ring in his pocket, just liking the feeling of the little box so close to him. It was like he could still have a little bit of Jo with him. The ring was something Jo fell in love with on sight, and they had shared an even deeper bond the minute it was on her finger. The ring held a lot of promise. Even after Jo moved out, he kept it in his pocket in dire hope of holding onto that promise. Now, as he lay on the couch, he reached into his pocket and wrapped his hand around the small box. He held it in front of his face and opened it slowly, the glistening ring catching the light from the lamp by PJ's side. It was a beautiful ring, it really was, the jeweller had been right. He'd never seen one like it before. None even came close. It was one in a million.
PJ stood up, shoving the little box back into his pocket. He walked slowly back to his bedroom and just like last night, slipped under the covers, and linked his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. As usual, his mind drifted to Jo. It suddenly hit PJ just how many times he had come so close to losing Jo. So many times since they had been together, it was really almost hard to comprehend, and he thought someone must have been watching over him during those times, always ensuring Jo was bought back to him, safe and sound.
Jo's disappearance during the bushfires had really hit home to PJ, and he and Tess had both finally understood just how much their colleagues meant to each other. Tess's worry for Evan had uncovered his own feelings for Jo, and once he had realised them, his body was overcome by concern, and PJ had never been happier then when they found Jo, and he was able to see with his own eyes that she was safe and unhurt.
Memories of the bushfires also bought back memories of Maggie, even though it was just the smallest thing that had triggered it off. One of the things PJ hated most was fighting with Jo, and he wished instantly that he had not salvaged that frame from the remains of the burnt out house. It was as hard for Jo to look at as it was for him. But something inside had made him keep it, despite it no longer having a picture inside. And now, now that he had lost Jo as well, he felt the same way. He kept her photo by his bedside, so, in a way, she would always be next to him. Even though it wasn't real, and she really wasn't there, he could still lie in bed and gaze at her beautiful face, remembering the short time they had spent together.
PJ knew he had never been truly grateful for all the times Jo had been in danger and then been returned to him unharmed and safe. Like when she was abducted during what PJ thought of as the Marco era. As if it hadn't had been scary enough for her to be chasing intruders around their home, they had taken her and threatened her life. She had shown a fighting quality during those times, one that came with police training, but also just came with Jo Parrish, and everybody admired her for it. She was so strong.
He smiled at the thought of his and Jo's little tiffs. The way she would ring up Marco and accept a date with him after flatly turning him down just ten minutes before. They played a little game there for a while, before finally coming to their senses. PJ kicked himself when he realised it took Jo being abducted to make him realise what had been staring him in the face all along. Why had he made so many mistakes?
Then PJ remembered the times he had spent with Jo, happily together, without a care in the world. Everything came rushing back, slamming into PJ's mind like a freight train. He remembered the way her hair hung loose at the pub at nights, he remembered her energy trying to get the station involved in the Mt Thomas Cup or some other do, he remembered how sweet her lips had tasted in the locker room when she was at last away from the Torrosione's, he remembered the look of absolute elation on her face when he told her he was ready to be a father. And he remembered how the look on her face just spelt happiness as she gazed at the diamond engagement ring on her finger that afternoon in the jewellers.
But more than anything, he remembered the feel of her body next to him in bed. To feel her next to him made his world complete, and now, with her absent, his world was shattered.
I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams
At last everybody had a chance to farewell their friend. The members of the station had been looking forward to it, as they were finally getting a chance to say goodbye properly, a right they felt had been snatched from under their very noses in the aftermath of the bombing.
PJ was awoken by the streaming of strong sunlight through the bedroom window. Squinting his eyes at the brightness, he smiled, because such weather reflected Jo's personality in such a perfect way. She was a ray of sunshine and the sun was shining for her today. He sat up, dressed and headed out the door without breakfast.
PJ chose to make his own way to the funeral, preferring not to be apart of the group from the station that was heading down together. He needed time for himself, a chance to have a little discussion with his Joey, and say what he needed to say without anybody else hearing. But as he walked down the road towards the church, his hands jammed in his pockets and his head down, words would not come out. He wasn't concerned though, his thoughts were enough, and said what he felt without a single sound.
From two blocks away PJ could see the crowd of people. A tear came to his eye, thinking of the extraordinary number of people who had been apart of Jo's life. She had touched the lives of so many and always left a lasting mark, one that made them always remember her.
He approached the church's entrance alone, but within moments his colleagues were by his sides. They walked in together, PJ sitting with Ben and Tom in the front pew, close to Jo's parents. PJ couldn't help but stare at the coffin in front of him, the mound of flowers on top and Jo's police hat in full view. The sight bought back painful memories, as this was almost exactly how he had buried Maggie. It was perhaps even the same church, but PJ's memory failed him with such details at such a time.
The church became packed quickly, with everyone Jo had worked with over her years in the force all present and accounted for, paying their respects. Then there were the members of the community, and Jo's home town who had also come to mourn her death. Jo's closest friends, from her childhood and school years sat close behind Bev and Jeff. Friends that shared her passion for riding were also present along with friends she had made at the Academy. PJ noticed them all, and with a smile, he saw that Tess, Jack and other recent colleagues, like Russell Falcon-Price, Monica Draper and Paul Donald had also made the trip to farewell Jo. And there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
"We are here today to farewell Joanna Parrish after her tragic death..." the minister addressed the congregation sombrely. One by one Jo's colleagues stood up and made their way to the front of the church where they told the mourners of their encounters with Jo. Jeff Parrish stood and struggled through a eulogy with Bev at his side. Finally though, it was PJ's turn.
Every time you cry
Save up all your tears, I will be your rainbow
When they disappear
Wash away the pain till you smile again
I will be the laughter in your eyes
Every time you cry
Every time you cry
Time has a way, of wounding what has healed
What can I say? I know just how you feel
Your soul is dark and troubled
Like a river running wild
Every time you cry
"I never thought I would have to do this. The thought had never crossed my mind as I always thought Jo and I would be together forever," PJ began. "We had our ups and downs, but what couple doesn't? It was the way we were. She was always just Jo and I always loved her. Words cannot explain how much I loved her, and I wish I'd told her that more often. I regret not holding her for just that moment longer, kissing her just once more, stroking her hair one more time, hearing her laugh for a little longer," PJ's voice began to wobble and tears sprung to his eyes, but he continued.
"Jo was such a great police officer and all her colleagues being here today only prove my point. She had a passion for the job, such a drive that we all strived to reach but never grabbed hold of as much as Jo did. If there were more people like Jo in this world, the world would be a better place," PJ sighed, the tears falling.
"And she was a great person - the best. Nobody loved her like her parents and I did, and I miss her every moment of everyday. Every ounce of me wishes she was sleeping next to me at night and I'd give my soul to hear her laugh again or stroke her soft skin. I miss her smile...and I miss everything about her. She was one in a million," PJ felt drained at the conclusion of his speech. He looked out at the mourners and saw them all nodding, tears in their eyes. They all felt PJ's sadness. He wasn't the only one who'd lost Jo and missed her like hell.
It's the loveliest feeling to know you; it's the loveliest feeling of all.
I don't know what I did to deserve you
The sun was still shining brightly and the grass looked greener than ever, spreading out across the countryside as far as the eye could see. PJ walked past colleague after colleague of Jo's, all in dress uniform, ready to pay their respects to their colleague as she was buried. Clasping his hands in front of him, he took up his place in the throng of mourners, Jeff and Bev Parrish on his left and the members of the station on his right, Ben right at his side.
Ben handed him several stems of lilies, tied with a sparkling ribbon. PJ cradled them in the crook of his elbow like one would hold a baby, and stared straight ahead, the gentle breeze rustling the flowers.
"May Joanna Parrish rest in peace here today, surrounded by her family and friends," the minister began. "Not a single day will go by when she will not be missed," the minister nodded at PJ and he stepped forward and delicately placed the lilies on top of the casket. Stepping back, he watched as his beautiful girl was lowered into the ground, at last at peace.
I told you that we could fly
'Cause we all have wings
But some of us don't know why
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart