Author: SavingRain
Rating: R
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura needed to find her place in the world.
Kagura had nightmares. Memories that she thought she'd forgotten, that had allowed her to look upon the taiyoukai lord fondly, forgetting everything he had taken from her. He had given her many things, that was true, he taught her to be stronger, allowed her to see inside of others in ways she could not before, and in doing so, he had taken her body and used it for his own means.
No, that isn't true.
Kagura squeezed her eyes shut, trying to sort out her thoughts.
I enjoyed it, the way his skin touched my own, even when he was commanding and hovered over me—unbearably close, I never felt that I'd lost control. It was…pleasant. I've never felt anything like it in my life.
It was not rape, but something else. There was something that wasn't right about it, and it threw her off, because most nights when she thought of her past with Sesshoumaru, her thoughts did not wander there. She thought fondly back on everything, from their arguments to his indifference to her cantankerous moods, but she never thought of the way he touched her where no one else ever had or, put lips places that she didn't know could be kissed.
I waited eagerly for him, hoping that in the dark he might decide that he wanted me. He would show me what no one else ever had before…
Kagura let a small smile creep across her face. Even in her confusion over how she felt about back the, she could not forget how her body felt.
How his body felt…
She stretched out on her futon, or rather, both her and Azumamaro's futons, as he had insisted on laying them close together for the night. Kagura had done so willingly, quickly delighting in his body heat and his soft lips against her skin. Whether he knew it or not, and whether she was willing to admit it, he was a comfort to her. Their relationship was more than a convenience.
I did not simply allow myself to become involved with a mindless, violent youkai, as Sesshoumaru insists on believing.
She felt her stomach twist at the memories of his heavy body moving slowly over hers in the dark. Their associations had never been frequent, but they happened often enough. Oddly, they weren't what Kagura found herself looking fondly back on when she thought of their association. Azumamaro had called her Sesshoumaru's "bitch"—Kagura knew that wasn't accurate. Not for him, no dog would treat his bitch the way she was treated.
We never came together with the intention of conceiving a child, as any male and his "bitch" would have done. So I suppose in calling me a whore, Azumamaro was correct, and it would be wrong of me to become angry over such a statement…after all, I always enjoyed it. It was only that underneath I couldn't help feeling—used. Whenever we were together, I felt as if he was looking for something.
Kagura rolled over so that her back was to her mate, and she felt his well developed chest press against her.
Perhaps he really had changed after Rin's death—was there something there that he lost? Was he trying to find it in me?
She smirked at that. Rin was nothing like her, if he thought that he could find any semblance of the human child in her, he was gravely mistaken.
Yes, whore would be the more accurate term for what I was to him, during the day and our travels; I was a fellow youkai, never an equal, because to Sesshoumaru, there is no equal, but he respected me. Those nights however, I felt that his respect was gone, I felt that I became less of a youkai and…
She furrowed her brow, reflexively wrapping one around her stomach. Azumamaro's steady breathing continued against her neck.
I became a woman.
The realization struck her, and her breath caught for a second as she let it sink in.
He looked at me differently, perhaps as a tool to be used at his own discretion…to exercise his own will upon.
The thought angered her, and she clenched the hand against her stomach into a fist. If she weren't so frightened of the realization herself, she would have thrown Azumamaro off of her body and stormed into Sesshoumaru's chamber, demanding that he explain himself.
A foolish idea, of course--he would not. It is within his rights not to do so. Just as it was within his right to treat me as a woman is treated…
It disgusted her. She tried to close her eyes and dismiss it, but the dreams beckoned again at the corner of her mind, enticing her, pulling her body into a familiar pattern of behavior that she had once longed for and misunderstood.
Even now, I see his face, blurry at the edge of my mind. These thoughts come easily to me in the dark, with nothing around to distract me, to make me think of the days when we walked calmly side by side, when his words were something that I could take into myself…and build something out of…
An involuntary moan and Kagura shifted her position again, so that her head rested just beneath Azumamaro's, pinning her body against his.
I had been sleeping, saving my strength for the next day because we would journey down the mountain pass so that he could see Rin's grave. Sesshoumaru had startled me, he never said a word, he simply placed his hand against the small of my back, and I jerked up to find myself crushed in his arms. His body was against mine, and he rolled me over. I'll never forget how quickly my heart was beating. I felt his lips against my neck, and realized that we were both suddenly very naked…
Kagura's eyes flashed open, and she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.
Why am I thinking of this now?
~
Sesshoumaru could see her in the faded moonlight. Her alabaster back lay below him, tense as she struggled to comprehend what was going on around her. One hand brushed over her side and pulled her to her knees. He dimly remembered telling her to be silent.
I never forced her. Such a thing is beneath this Sesshoumaru.
He sat on the floor in the dim light, unable to sleep as his thoughts came back to him. He had taken her as one should take a woman, it was a simple act that he repeated with her many times, and had she shown any evidence of pain or disagreement with the situation, he could not recall it.
He dimly recalled the euphoric feeling as her scent had filled his senses that night, and he came to know every inch of her body by touch and taste. It was not an unpleasant sensation, and one that he enjoyed many times after that.
He never thought of it often after she left.
Why do these thoughts dwell on me now?
He stood to go to his window, and with every bit of regality he possessed, he placed his two palms against the base and leaned out, examining the valley and the land beyond. His eyes met a spot where the mountainside dipped in a sudden "v", creating a channel like structure in the skyline.
Rin's grave.
He had not visited her in nearly ten years.
Ten years, it is nothing to a youkai.
They were everything to a human.
In ten years, Rin was a woman, almost ready to die. I protected Rin for many years. I watched Rin grow old and marry. I saw Rin cry when she realized that she was barren and would not conceive children with the whelp of a man she had chosen to join with.
Unconsciously, his fingers dug into the sill, tearing at the stone. His gaze hardened.
Rin.
There was something about Rin that I never understood. Even with Tenseiga at my side I was never able to understand. Why did she live? Why did Rin go on with no purpose, with no place in life but to die? Despite this she continued to exist.
I allowed her to exist.
This Sesshoumaru continued to protect her, even seeing that she had nothing to offer, not to her own kind or to me. She could not bare children, and I had no use for her because she was human, and yet…
He leaned back, removing his hands from the sill and turning away from the sight that marked Rin's grave.
Something was amiss. He keened his youkai senses and immediately discerned the offending noise that pulled at him.
Kagura and that underling…
The sounds of their mating were clear. Lowering his brow, he adjusted his senses and shut them out, easily setting them apart from his mind.
He noted, however, with increasing irritation, that the memory of Kagura's scent would not leave him.
~
Kagura lay contently against Azumamaro's bare chest as he held her against him, gently weaving his fingers through her hair.
"That idiot Daisetsu will likely call on Sesshoumaru for some type of justice," She didn't have to see his face to know he was smirking. "He'll want me dead as soon as he finds out I'm here."
He squeezed her arm, expecting a response.
"I'm tired," Kagura barked, trying to hide her distraction in irritation. She rolled over and faced away from him. Azumamaro ignored her, sitting up to rest his hands on his knees.
"Really?" He tilted his head to the side. "You didn't seem tired a few minutes ago."
Ass hole.
"Shut the hell up." Kagura grumbled.
She felt him rise from his place next to her and walk across the room to sit at the little writing desk, intent on finishing the task he'd been too angry to complete earlier in the night.
Kagura sighed, closing her eyes tightly and hoping her extended contact with Azumamaro would ward off anymore thoughts of Sesshoumaru. She tried to ignore the fact that she'd been thinking of the taiyoukai lord when Azumamaro had climbed on top of her a few minutes ago.
She tried to ignore the fact that other thoughts were coming back to her, at an increasing pace, and she seemed almost powerless to stop them.
Every time I close my eyes I see his damned face!
Frustrated, and unable to bear Azumamaro voicing his thoughts on his next war campaign out loud, she the blankets off of her body and reached for her robe to conceal her nakedness. For some reason she found herself feeling extremely shy about her nudity.
She looked over at him, handsome and regal, even as he sat hunched over his writing, staining his hands in ink.
"Going somewhere?" he asked.
"For a walk," Kagura dryly answered, fixing her kimono and ducking out the doorway. Azumamaro didn't respond, he simply turned back to his work.
Upon entering the hall, Kagura realized just how empty Sesshoumaru's private wing of the palace was. The grand hallways seemed to stretch on for years on end, and the ceilings were so high that she couldn't see where they ended.
Who the hell took the time to build this place?
She walked further down the hall, hearing only her own footsteps until she reached a series of windows that looked out on the surrounding valleys. The soft fall of rain and familiar scent of spring filled the air, and she walked quietly over to look out at the view.
Rain--it reminds me of my fight with Azumamaro, everything was so sudden…
When he propelled me away from him, I hit him with one of my greatest attacks, absorbing him in a whirlwind of trees and rain, I was so happy, I was so sure that he would be killed as soon as those hard trunks and rocks buffeted him. Then he surprised me, he tore through my winds with his spear, and charged straight towards me. The look on his face, all that time he was still smiling, even when I'd fought him to a stand-still, soaking wet.
When we had both worn out of breath, the first thing he said when he looked at me was:
"Nice body."
The rain had soaked me so thoroughly that my kimono clung to my skin. I was startled; I didn't even have the nerve to be angry at him and all the time he was still smiling. I admit that I was intrigued. That is why I traveled with him.
We had nothing to offer each other besides our mutual fascination with the other.
I went with him on his second war campaign against Lord Daisetsu's underling Mourakame. He was so impressed with me that he gave me a new kimono for my efforts and a fan, he even took it upon himself to "bequeath" to me some of Mourakame's lands. I wasn't impressed with any of that, I was confident—and still am—that I could have taken the lands myself. That didn't matter to me though, what mattered was his attitude towards me. He had a casual acceptance of everything around him, it was almost as if the world could pass him by and he would be content watching it, but he believed it was his duty not to watch. He wanted to engage in the world in the most extreme way possible, and the best way he knew how was to rip it apart from the inside.
What would Sesshoumaru say, if he knew that this was the man that I had mated myself to? He had me by his side in every war since then, and I became someone that his men respected and feared. I was a youkai with standing among others, my name was known in the north and I was feared by others. Lord Daisetsu likely knows of my association with Azumamaro, of the role I played in his campaigns…
"Kagura." She tried to turn around casually at the sound of her name.
Sesshoumaru was walking towards her, and calmly stopped a few feet from her so that he was standing against the wall to her right. His hands were tucked into his sleeves. Kagura noticed his two swords were not at his side, and that his armor was gone.
Perhaps he had trouble sleeping as well?
"This Sesshoumaru was never told why you came back."
Kagura was taken aback, his words seemed cold considering their earlier exchange. She thought that he had been happy to see her…
This is Sesshoumaru--
She gave him a sly smile as she reminded herself that he was never one to take things for face value, and understood that a youkai such as herself would have a reason for doing something so major as to return to her former mentor.
"I wasn't aware I needed a reason," Kagura tried to appear casual as she looked into his eyes, and was startled when Sesshoumaru stepped forward, closing the distance between them so that he was breaths away from her face. She didn't flinch.
"Do not test my patience."
Kagura made to move back, and was startled when he reached up and grabbed her arm. He pulled her towards him and glared into her eyes.
"You will not walk away from me, Kagura. Why have you returned to the Western Lands?"
Kagura was too smart to try to physically abstract herself from him, and forced herself to relax.
"I have unfinished business here," her voice came out lower than she expected it to, and she breathed in deeply to gain some force behind her words. "I convinced Azumamaro to come with me so that you could meet him…I thought it would only be appropriate…"
Sesshoumaru released her and took on an expression of bland disinterest.
Why would I be interested in meeting him?
"He is an idiot and an ambitious fool." He turned away from her to look outside, glaring at the rain. "You were a fool to take him as a mate."
Kagura bit her lip.
"I never asked for your fucking approval, and I have no intentions to do so. It is my life, or have you conveniently forgotten?"
"I have no interest in your life, Kagura. You were mistaken to return here if that is the only reason why."
Kagura slammed her fist into the wall and watched the blood run over her fist. She looked back at Sesshoumaru and found him staring at her, again with his arms tucked into his sleeves.
"Don't lie to me you piece of shit, If you had no interest in my damned life, then you would never have helped me back then!" her voice was shaking, and she could feel the blood rushing to her face.
Sesshoumaru made a sound of disgust.
"You have not changed. You are the same as the day as when I first met you, willful and unthinking." His voice held a tone of vicious anger, and Kagura thought for a second that he would reach out and rip out her throat. "You are still a child."
Kagura lowered her hand from the wall to examine it, the wounds she'd made were already healing.
A child, Sesshoumaru? How often have you called me that in our association?
She looked up at him and saw the anger in his eyes. Her insult had not gone unnoticed.
"Bastard, I am much more than a child," she tried to appear confident as she glared back at him, "it has been ten years since I saw you last, and sixty years since Naraku's death! I am not as I once was—"
Then Sesshoumaru did something surprising, he smiled. It wasn't Azumamaro's clean, easy-going gesture of openness. Instead, it was an evil and vindictive response to her frustration.
"You are the same. You have not changed since the day we met."
Kagura reached to her side, reflexively going for her fan and caught air. She balled her fist together and hissed. Sesshoumaru reached out again, this time with both arms and took her by the forearms. She was too angry to think rationally and fought against him, only to be crushed against his body. She gasped.
What the hell is he doing? Is he hugging me? Fuck, why am I…
Horrified, Kagura began to blush, only to be caught off guard as Sesshoumaru began to speak.
"This is my strength Kagura." He growled out, and she realized that he was testing her, inviting her to move against him. Obviously she could not; he was a centuries old taiyoukai…
While I am merely the product of an inferior hanyou, and barely one-hundred years old! How dare he throw my lineage back into my face!
"Let go of me you bastard!"
"This Sesshoumaru does not have to do as you wish." He tightened his grip on her arms, and Kagura couldn't help but feel his muscles bulge beneath his thin robe as he held her against him.
She tried to pull her arms away again determined to better him, but Sesshoumaru casually threw her against the wall. Kagura gasped in surprise, he had never been so physical with her before, not like this...
"Daisetsu is likely aware of your collaboration with Azumamaro." He said.
Kagura ground her teeth together, trying to shake off the sensation of being near to him. Sesshoumaru was looking at her with the same hard gaze as usual. He had taken the time to tuck his arms back into his sleeves, which gave him a look of indifference.
But you are angry with me…
"He has already gathered his forces at the edge of the Great Valley, moving along neutral territory, cutting through Azumamaro's recently claimed lands. He is stalled at the river where your mate's strongest forces are camped. He has suffered heavy losses against his warriors, but he will recover."
"Why are you telling me this?"
Kagura found herself jerking backwards as he moved forward again, reminding her of his dominance.
"Daisetsu will kill your mate, and he will kill you." Sesshoumaru let her take that in, and saw the sadness that was suddenly apparent in her eyes.
Kagura folded her arms around herself and leaned back against the wall, breathing deeply.
"Are you telling me to leave?" Sesshoumaru looked at her, even with his youkai senses; in the darkness he could not see her face.
He wasn't sure that he wanted to.
Why did she return here? To show him to me? This Sesshoumaru has no interest in her mate, I am not impressed with mongrels who spend their time creating havoc in a world of order. I can see the danger in what he has done, he has thrown away the old ones and will soon come to usurp me.
His brow lowered in anger.
She believes that she came here of her own free will. He has maneuvered her into bringing him here, so that he can provoke a fight with Daisetsu, who is foolish enough to fall for it. Diasetsu is a youkai who does not have the knowledge to examine the finer doings of the world, he believes that he can simply rid himself of a pest by ripping him out through force. He does not have the knowledge to see now that things have changed. Lower youkai have risen from the depths.
He could feel Kagura's distress, it permeated the air.
As evidenced in you, wind user.
When you came to me, you were finally free of Naraku, with no purpose in this world but to wander aimlessly until your death. I thought that your time with me had ended your futility. I thought it was possible for you to become something more than another youkai, vying for power in the wilderness. Kagura, do you not see that there is no order in what you are doing? Do you see the path this fool is taking you on?
He suppressed a frown as he stood across from her in the darkness, listening to the purr of the rain.
I will not fight your battles for you. I will not save you from yourself.
"Yes."
Kagura squeezed her eyes shut.
Bastard…can't you even look at me with a kind face?
"I don't know why I thought I needed to see you again," Kagura's voice was emotionless, her anger was gone and she simply stared down at her feet, feeling like Sesshoumaru was looking straight through her, right into her bones.
What does she mean?
Kagura flicked her gaze to him, suddenly stepping out of the darkness with wild eyes and an angry expression.
"You haven't told me anything valuable--and Azumamaro and I will gladly leave here!" she leaned back, smiling bitterly at him. Sesshoumaru knew that if she had her fan, she would have used it to hide half of her face. "That idiot Daisetsu is welcome to come after us with as many armies as he likes, and Azumamaro will kill him, like he has killed all of the others!"
Sesshoumaru looked unimpressed.
"Then what will you do, Kagura?"
Kagura looked up at him and noticed with a distinct sense of discomfort that they were standing close together again, with his body barely a breath away from hers. She felt like she wanted to reach out and touch him, and suddenly return to the relationship of their past, when he had allowed her to be near him without airs and questions, and she could allow him to take what he needed from her, without asking too much.
It used to be so much simpler…
"What do you mean what will I do?" Kagura could feel the heat rush to her cheeks again, and cursed herself for blushing in front of the taiyoukai lord. She stepped away from him to create some distance and hide her face. "I will do as I please, as I always have."
Narrowing her eyes and finding her confidence, she strode past him to head back to her room.
"After all," she bit out, "you told me that you have no interest in my life!"
Sesshoumaru didn't respond to her, he simply turned his back and looked out at the rain, focusing his eyes again on the distant edge of the valley, where the mountains plunged down to form the point where he thought he had buried the last piece of his past.