Author: SavingRain
Rating: R
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.
Author's Notes: This chapter may get a little confusing, I'm using italics again to denote Kagura and Sesshoumaru's thoughts as the past is narrated and they reflect on each other's words.
I have a strange feeling that I've been here before, not this place, but this sensation feels familiar. My body goes numb, and I wish that the world would swallow me alive so that I never have to look back on anything or do anything ever again.
When Naraku died, I never realized how much things had changed for me. Not only did I posses freedom, but I now had the ability to make my own decisions. For the first few decades, this was fine...I allowed the wind to take me where it pleased, and I disappeared off of the face of the earth. My enemies had no knowledge of where I had gone or whether or not I was alive.
I don't remember when but some where along the way, I realized that I couldn't go on as I was. The world was changing and moving, and I was moving along with it without any direction...at one time I was convinced that I didn't need direction and I didn't need a life like the ones that humans lived.
Their lives were full of conflict and misery, but it wasn't long before I realized that they were doing much more in their short, miserable, existences, than I had done in the span of 30 years.
I wondered what I should do and where I should go--and when I realized that there was nothing I truly wished to do, I had this terrible feeling...
"Kagura," Sesshoumaru's brow had lowered in frustration and he was staring at her with a curious expression.
"Are you still here?" Kagura bit out.
She had walked away from him shortly after his revelation, intent on making some space between them. It was bad enough that she was now leader of her own vast territory, but she was also thrown into a situation where she would have to deal with Sesshoumaru on a political and personal level.
I can barely deal with him personally...
Kagura looked at him out of the corner of her eye and frowned.
If he would just leave me alone...
"Do you intend to run away?"
Kagura flinched at the dry tone in his voice.
"Do I look like I'm running away?" Kagura didn't even know the answer to the question herself, but she could atleast determine how she appeared to a man that she could never show weakness in front of.
Sesshoumaru didn't answer, evidently the question wasn't worth his effort.
Back then, it was almost as if I was afraid. I could have died all those years ago, and I wouldn't have cared. There was nothing for me to live for besides myself, and once the struggle goes away, what do you have to fight for? What is there to live for? You can follow the wind, and fade away like a wraith...you can be forgotten...eventually your enemies won't care enough to kill you. I was living with no end in sight, with nothing to rage against and keep me alive.
"I'm not running any where," Kagura's back straightened, and she slapped her fan firmly against an open palm. "I have no reason to, the fact simply is that I don't want to be 'Lord'--or whatever, of the Northern Lands."
She turned back and cocked an eyebrow at Sesshoumaru, unimpressed by his angry glare.
"Let those other youkai fight over it," Kagura casually plucked a feather from her hair, preparing to create a craft so that she could fly away. "It is none of my business what happens here, Daisetsu and Azumamaro are dead, so I--"
"You cannot simply walk away from a situation that you have created." Sesshoumaru's voice was surprisingly even, considering that he was discussing a subject so sensitive to his own circumstances.
Kagura was well aware that if she took control of the Northern Lands would mean a change in Sesshoumaru's own life. She wasn't entirely ignorant of the workings of the youkai world--especially when it came to territory disputes. The shift of power so near to Sesshoumaru's border was a definite matter of concern.
Why else would he have sought me out after Daisetsu and Azumamaro's deaths?
"Oh?" Kagura refused to turn around and look at him, her resolve to leave was already crumbling under the glare he had fixed on the back of head. "The last time I checked, I was free to do as I pleased."
She squeezed the tip of the feather, willing it to grow and expand. As usual, a gust of wind picked up around her, signaling the coming transformation. In an instant, Sesshoumaru was standing mere inches away from her face. His feet were planted firmly on top of the feather, which was now broken and never had a chance to lift her high off the ground. Kagura frowned, surprisingly more irritated over the loss of her treasured vessel than she was over his interference.
"You son of a bitch--you're going to have to find me another one--"
One hand shot up and he grabbed her arm, forcing her to snap out of her wayward thoughts and give him some consideration.
"Why do you always have to be so forceful!" Kagura jerked back, rolling her eyes at the fact that her effort to extricate herself hadn't gotten her anywhere. She merely winced at the pain as his vice grip tightened around her lower arm.
"Wind-user," he lowered his voice. "I cannot believe that you would overthrow a 600 year-old dynasty and walk away from an oppurtunity to forge a new one--"
"Believe it--"
"Or that you would risk bodily harm by angering this Sesshoumaru further."
Kagura scoffed.
"I don't care what you or anyone else thinks, I'm going to do as I please, as I always have. Do you think I want to be tied down to some crappy wastelands and give up my freedom?" She rolled her eyes again. "I thought you knew me better than that..."
"Why ally yourself with someone intent on conquering the world if you have no intention of gaining any power?"
Kagura attempted to pull away again, narrowing her eyes at the insipid question.
"I wasn't allied with anyone!" She snapped. "He was my mate, I was with him because of my connection to him, not because I wanted to gain anything."
Sesshoumaru looked at her blandly.
Obviously the idea of Kagura teaming up with anyone for any reason other than personal gain didn't seem believable or feasible to him. He cocked an eyebrow at her.
"If not for power, then why bother?"
Kagura opened her mouth to snap back an angry retort, but was stalled by the look of confusion in Sesshoumaru's eyes. She frowned.
"And I suppose that you kept Rin with you because she was a means to an end? Did she enable you to gain some great advantage over your enemies?"
He narrowed his eyes at her.
"You did not answer my question."
Sensing an advantage, Kagura laughed haughtily.
"Answer mine."
They stared at each other for a few minutes, each unable to admit defeat. Growling, Sesshoumaru finally let her arm go, and Kagura turned her head away from him in disgust.
After a bit of reassurance and careful mulling over his words, Sesshoumaru finally stepped forward again and stared whistfully at the back of her head.
"You cannot throw away your responsibilities."
His words were straight forward and simple. He folded his hands inside of his sleeves and looked on her without any signs of anger or resentment over their earlier argument. He pushed the implications that Azumamaro had meant something more to her than an instrument to the back of his mind.
Dejected, but still willing to fight off the older youkai's words, Kagura turned back around to face him.
"Says who?"
"You have no choice."
Sesshoumaru watched as Kagura mulled his words over, reflecting on his own role.
Those with power must act responsibly. Otherwise the world is thrown into chaos.
"You must return to the Northern Lands and assert your influence."
Kagura looked unimpressed.
"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't fucking want it!" She looked exasperated, and sank to the ground, tucking her legs neatly under her body.
He's not going to let me go until I do what he wants...just like it was then. I only went to see him because there was nothing else left for me anywhere else in the world. I didn't care if I died, but I could not simply give up on a life I fought so hard to achieve. When he let me come with him I suddenly had something to do...something to go on for...
"This is not about what you want."
Kagura looked up at the Western Lord, who for all of his stern appearance and arrogance, seemed almost sympathetic to her plight.
"This is what must be done. If you were too fool then to realize what you were creating when you went to war with Daisetsu, and you are too childish now to accept your responsibility, then you are not the youkai that I thought you were."
Sesshoumaru turned his back on her and began to walk away, fading into the forest around them. He had intended to visit Rin's shrine, but that would have to wait. With Kagura intent on evading her responsibility, he could not leave the Western Lands. Lesser youkai lords would vie for the Northern territories, even if they were wastelands and full of useless wretches. The mountain ranges and endless valleys provided strategic areas for assembling armies to battle and securing outposts that could pose a threat to his father's legacy.
There is no time to waste on frivolous pursuits. The strong have a responsibility to preserve the old ways...to keep order, and the balance of power intact.
Kagura narrowed her eyes at him. Is that how he thought of her?
A child...
As much as she hated it, the words stung Kagura. He had called her that many times in their association. Compared to the ageless youkai, her lifespan was a spec within his own. Her knowledge of the world based on smaller impressions of Sesshoumaru's vaster understandings. Through him she had learned the weight of responsibility that a youkai lord must carry, and it had made her own pursuits seem trivial in comparison. She had felt worn from the world, tired of endless seas and skies, but she had never had the chance to grow weary of an actual life.
It seems Sesshoumaru's opinion of me will never change... he will never see me as more than some fledgling youkai, washing away with the past. Unless I...
His image was quickly receding from view, and Kagura brought herself to her feet, disgusted with her previous behavior.
"Do you think I'm throwing a tantrum?" she snapped.
Sesshoumaru paused.
"Aren't you?"
Kagura bit her lip.
"Is it so hard for you to believe that there are other forces in this world that drive people besides power?" She walked quickly to his side and stopped short in front of him. "I don't want it, Sesshoumaru. I don't want anything to do with Daisetsu's leavings...that was Azumamaro's desire, not mine; he is dead, and I am no longer his mate."
She narrowed her eyes at him again.
"Look down on me if you like," Kagura threw her head back and folded her arms. "I have no interest in how you feel about me or what you have to say."
Sesshoumaru's brow lowered again in irritation.
"Are you finished? I have work to do."
Kagura caught the anger in his eyes and relished in the superior feeling it gave her. Few had reign over Sesshoumaru's emotions. She was quickly becoming aware of the affect her actions had on him. Even more impressive was the fact that he hadn't been moved to violence against her, even after all of the wrongs that she had committed against him.
She wasn't sure what that meant, but so far it gave her supreme joy over the flexibility that she was allowed in their encounters. There was silence for a while, and Jaken made a coughing noise, indicating that he had grown tired of being ignored by Sesshoumaru yet again, who seemed to be in favor of arguing with a brutish female instead of attending to actual matters of importance.
His master ignored him.
"No, I'm not done," she tapped her fan against her side. "I'll do it."
His brow raised, and if he wasn't so emotionally distant, Kagura would have sworn that he was going to smile.
Instead he stepped past her and continued on his way.
"Jaken, come." The toad ran after, not needing to be told, but relishing in the recognition. "Kagura, hurry up."
Kagura made a sound of irritation at being told what to do, but caught up to his side anyway, enjoying the shift in relations between them.
So, this is what it's like to have Sesshoumaru's respect...