Title: Illusions of My Memories
Author: SavingRain
Rating: R
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.
Author's Notes:As usual, italics denote thoughts/flashbacks.
How long does he plan on having me sit here?
Kagura fidgeted slightly from her spot on the floor; it had to be at least noon time and Sesshoumaru was no where to be seen. He had sent for her nearly an hour ago.
The entire situation made her cringe.
Since when did I come when any man sent for me?
She stood and leaned against the wall opposite to Sesshoumaru's door, attempting to ease the cramps in her legs.
When she had finished with her bath, Jaken arrived to inform her that Sesshoumaru was expecting her in his chambers. Noting the subject of their latest conversation, Kagura had nervously made her way down the hall. She had prepared herself for an angry reprimand, which she was more than willing to meet with her own angry words. It was easy for Kagura to admit that criticism from Sesshoumaru wasn't something that she could take well--
Of course, that is because he criticizes me so often...
She paused in her thought when she heard sounds from the other side of the door--voices, rising higher in pitch as the minutes wore on.
What have we here?
Normally she would have left Sesshoumaru to his own devices for daring to waste her time, but these new developments were giving rise to an urge that was more powerful than Kagura's anger. Curiosity made her lean forward, so far forward, in fact, that Kagura found herself right outside Sesshoumaru's door with one ear pressed against it.
He probably knows I'm doing this right now...
A sense of ease swept through her when she registered that all the voices were male, but she also found herself wondering who had the nerve besides herself to raise their voices to Sesshoumaru.
A low rumble cut the noise in two on the other side of the door. Kagura smirked to herself.
He certainly put a stop to that...
She closed her eyes and attempted to focus all of her senses, cursing the fact that she had no heightened youkai senses that could discern the mumbled noises that reached her ears.
I should be in there...
With extreme trepidation, Kagura wondered why she was putting up with this treatment.
I should leave and make him wait for a change...
-------------------------------------------
"--of course, Sesshoumaru-sama, you must understand that I never meant any offense when I raised my voice earlier..."
Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes at the lesser lord, who was now kneeling and prostrating himself for fear of being killed.
I have no interest in wasting my time with such filth...
Sesshoumaru's eyes rose to regard the heavy doors that guarded entrance to his private chambers. He had no doubt that Kagura had grown tired of waiting, and was now pressed against the doors, trying to discern what was transpiring on the other side.
She has not lost her desire to pry in everyone's affairs but her own.
"Jaken."
The toad youkai quickly jumped to do his lord's bidding, rushing to Sesshoumaru's side.
"Let Kagura in."
The youkai lord at his feet rose his head slightly, no doubt surprised to hear that someone else was waiting to be in Sesshoumaru's presence. The daiyoukai lord was not known for negotiation and rarely interacted with others of his own rank. Sesshoumaru preferred to take what he wanted, and kill those who got in his way.
Jaken scrambled over to the double doors and swung the heavy knob to pry them open. Luckily, Kagura had managed to compose herself before the door was entirely asunder and stood there looking quite attractive with one hand on her hip. The other clutched her fan against her chest. She opened it in one swift motion, waving it back and forth to give herself an indifferent appearance.
Sesshoumaru stared at her for a few seconds before turning back to the prostrated lord and the few others who had gained enough clout to be allowed entrance in his room.
"This is Lady Kagura of the Northern Lands. She will negotiate terms with you for the redesign of the territory's borders."
The lords under Sesshoumaru's direction looked shocked. For a moment, Kagura shared their expressions of befuddlement--before she abruptly turned around and disappeared from sight.
Sesshoumaru watched as Jaken followed after her, closing the doors and shouting that she was "an insipid female" and was "unworthy of his lord's grace". Both comments earned him knots on the head, which inspired the other lords to silence. Sesshoumaru didn't bother to look at them.
"You will remain here." He asserted, and walked out the door to meet Kagura.
She does have a tendency to be a nuisance.
Kagura tensed as the door behind her suddenly came open, bringing with it Sesshoumaru's tall form. The wind youkai feigned indifference.
"Redesigning territories?" Kagura gave him an ugly look, meant to demonstrate her disgust with having been directed to do such a thing.
Sesshoumaru stared at her, unaffected by the offense she was now taking on.
"You have no choice but to do so."
Kagura grimaced.
"Oh really? I don't recall you telling me anything of the sort before. Last time I checked, I won those territories on my own. If those ass holes want some new land, tell them to go f--"
Sesshoumaru's eyes closed in irritation.
"Kagura."
She narrowed her eyes at him and sat back against the door, folding her arms into her sleeves.
"I won't give my land up. I'm strong enough to defend it."
Sesshoumaru didn't answer her.
He doesn't think I can?
"They will kill you without hesitation," Sesshoumaru came around to stand beside her. "They have come here seeking passage to your lands. There are other lords who have already claim Daisetsu's leavings as their own. He has sons who have married and created alliances in other regions."
I shouldn't have to--
"I will not negotiate." Kagura murmured. Then she stood and repeated the same words again, putting all of her strength behind it: "I will not negotiate. If they want new land, they can go to someone else. The Northern territories belong to me now."
Kagura stood up straighter so that she was looking Sesshoumaru straight in the eye. He didn't move.
"In the future, Sesshoumaru-sama, consult me before you make any decisions regarding my holdings."
Sesshoumaru rose one eyebrow, giving indication of his surprise. He held Kagura's gaze for a moment before directing her attention towards the door.
"If you believe that you are competent enough to make such decisions, then I will no longer interfere, Kagura."
For some reason she felt her adrenaline rise at the sound of her name. She also noticed that Sesshoumaru was standing very close to her at the moment.
Though not too close for comfort.
"Come," he ordered.
Kagura ground her teeth.
This has to be done, I have to say something...
When she didn't follow him, he turned back to regard her, and this time she noted the subtle change in his expression.
He looks almost--considerate...
"You plan to assert your dominance," Sesshoumaru stepped to the side, giving Kagura room to come astride him. "I will be your ally in this struggle."
"Oh?"
He looked straight ahead, not bothering to respond to Kagura's gentle goading. In a way, she detested the usual grace that came with each of the steps he took. The daiyoukai lord showed no signs of hesitance or fear, he commanded the entire world with every movement of his body. Every breath he took was a sign of his strength.
Kagura found herself feeling slightly in awe of his presence as they came closer to the doors, so that they were mere inches in front of them.
Will I ever be able to command the world the way he does?
Kagura held his silence for a while, absently wondering why he had bothered to create an audience for her with the other lords.
Does he care about the future of the Northern Lands so much?
Sesshoumaru turned slowly to regard her, looking down at her from his great height.
"Do not speak to me as you did earlier today."
Kagura's eyes narrowed.
"I don't think I heard you right--"
He returned her glare.
"Kagura, several of the youkai lords seeking to lay claim to the Northern Territories are behind these doors. At present, I am your only ally in these lands. If you wish to refuse them any part of your lands, then we must present a united front."
If Kagura could have wished herself to the other side of the world at that moment, she would have. This isn't me, I don't want to deal with lords and their petty problems or worry about why someone is trying to trespass on some stupid tract of land...
"You are going to stand with me?" Kagura smirked. "Even if it ruins your reputation? I never would have pegged you for a fool, Sesshoumaru."
He stiffened slightly for a moment.
"I told you not to speak to me in that manner."
Kagura clenched her jaw and threw her head back, staring at the ceiling.
What did I do to deserve this?
"Fine," Kagura moved slightly away from the door and sighed. "Are you sure that I need to talk them? I can't just kill them?"
"You have no choice in the matter."
She snorted.
"And I suppose you negotiate terms with other youkai?" Kagura crossed her arms over her chest, clenching her fan with more apprehension than usual. "I won't do it, you know I won't, and if the only reason why you are standing here is because you think I will change my mind--"
"I have accepted your decision." Sesshoumaru glared at her, obviously put off by her stubbornness.
"Well--what if they don't?" Kagura brushed against him gently. "What do you think will happen?"
Sesshoumaru stepped away so he could look into her eyes again.
"You will prepare for war. I trust you have the necessary resources to call on an army?"
"Eh--" She turned to the side, staring at the doors with a sinking feeling in her stomach. "Daisetsu's men--"
"Were fiercely loyal to him and are now dead."
"I'm sure there are some youkai who--"
Kagura thought she heard Sesshoumaru groan in irritation.
"Well," she bit out, "there's always your army--"
"I believe I will refrain from interfering in this case. Especially when the leader of the Northern forces has not demonstrated the strength to govern herself."
Kagura groaned.
"You said you were my ally--"
"Going to war is a...complicated matter."
I might as well try my luck and ask again...
"You're sure that I can't just kill them?"
"I doubt you could, but you are welcome to try."
She turned on him and brought her fan up, holding it mere inches away from his face.
"Well, since we are allies, I doubt that they would shrug at the chance to go against the Lord of the Western Lands..."
Sesshoumaru leaned forward, exuting the obvious.
Of course, no one would dare to go against him...they would probably do anything to avoid it...
After several seconds of silence, he turned his gaze back towards the door, bringing Kagura out of her pointless raging and into the present moment.
She stared after him.
"They are fools, quick-witted, but hardly suited to hold up against someone of your--temper."
Kagura made a sound of irritation.
He ignored her.
Couldn't he have said something nicer?
"It would be best if you said what needed to be said and avoided any other line of conversation. These are lesser lords, but they are powerful enough to be considered."
Kagura nodded, taking his advice without any harsh words or thoughts.
He's helping me.
It seemed like years had passed before he opened the doors again and they were standing side by side, staring ahead at the three youkai lords. Kagura could feel her heart beating rapidly and her palms start to sweat.
Two fat ones, one with a lazy eye--I don't recognize anyone here, there's a skinny one standing over by Sesshoumaru's sword rack. He doesn't look like he's anyone worth effort, but this youki--they are all strong.
She flashed a smirk and raised her head proudly.
Her eyes flicked to Sesshoumaru, who stood at her side.
I've dealt with stronger men.
"I've been told you want to gain footholds in my land."
Silence. Then one of the men scoffed and looked her over with barely a sign of hesitation. Given who her ally was, Kagura was shocked by the reaction.
Sesshoumaru watched her.
She'll cut off his head...
Kagura surprised him, she pointed her fan at the lord instead.
"You--if you have something to say to me, don't stand there hacking up your lungs. Have the courage to say it outright."
Good, Kagura...
"I had heard that Azumamaro gained control of the Northern territories. Am I to believe a simple female killed Daisetsu and defeated his armies?"
Kagura held her tongue.
Think, think before you speak.
"It seems your sources were uninformed," Kagura stalked forward slightly, barely able to curb the urges in her to summon tornados and split her opponent in two.
Sesshoumaru watched her closely.
It would be wise to allow him to speak, to learn what he knows...
"Azumamaro defeated Daisetsu. He died in the process," the lesser lord breathed in a raspy breath and lifted a finger accusatorially. "You are a pretender."
"Really?" Kagura took one step forward, imitating an action she had seen Azumamaro take many times.
Hoping that she was quicker than the older youkai, she swiftly raised her fan and brought it down again, cutting through his finger and sending him back towards the wall. Through the corner of her eye, she saw Sesshoumaru jerk.
I'm doing this my way.
The youkai went for a dagger that he kept on his side, and Kagura grabbed one of his arms and pinned it over his head. She used her fan to force him against the wall, turning him around in the next breath to slip her smaller body behind his. She had no doubt that she wasn't as physically strong as he was, but her powers over the wind were certainly something to contend with. Right now the source of that power was against the youkai lord's throat, digging into it and exerting a dangerous amount of youki.
The other lords gasped, too stunned by Kagura's brazenness to interfere.
Sesshoumaru looked irritated.
What is she thinking?
"It is true," she drawled, pressing her fan against his neck and squeezing his wrist, "that I didn't kill Daisetsu myself, Azumamaro did."
Sesshoumaru glared at her.
Why is she revealing this to them?
"--But," Kagura smacked her fan against the lord's chin, enjoying the way his body revolted against being touched. "I was there when Azumamaro did it; I fought by his side. I also fought by his side in every major campaign he waged, and I won every single one of them with him. Fortunately for me, he's dead."
She hardened her gaze and looked at the other youkai.
"Unfortunately for you, everything that he took is now mine."
Kagura pushed the lord away from her with what appeared to be little effort, but Sesshoumaru could tell that she wasn't used to physically handling anyone and was nervous. She hid her emotions easily, raising her fan to chortle in a mocking fashion. The embarrassed youkai fell to the floor and barely managed to scramble to his feet. He instantly reached for his weapon again.
"I can be merciful to you for your offenses, or I can kill you all right now." Grinning evilly, Kagura placed one hand on her hip and smacked her fan against her thigh. "The choice is yours."
Sesshoumaru stepped forward.
"That won't be necessary." He turned to the lords. "I would prefer not to have blood cleaned off of my floors."
He doesn't think I can do it--
"Give her an answer, if Kagura is displeased with it, you can step into the courtyard and wait to be disemboweled there."
He--
Kagura smiled wider, leaning forward and toying with her fan.
The youkai lords hesitated, before one of the fat ones bowed to the floor and slunk out of the door. Behind him followed the other two. The one who lost his finger left last.
Jaken ran after them, calling for servants to come and clean the lord's finger and blood off of the floor.
"That was reckless," Sesshoumaru had one hand on toukijin as he looked Kagura over, who was holding her weapon at the ready.
"I noticed you were prepared to deal with the situation," she lowered her gaze to his sword. "--even if it meant going to war." Kagura tilted her head back haughtily, though she was feeling more frightened than anything else.
"I would not have gone to war."
"You would have killed someone."
"I would have maimed them." Sesshoumaru stepped forward and examined the blood on his floor, furrowing his brow slightly. "This was unnecessary."
"It worked," Kagura retorted.
She gave Sesshoumaru a brilliant smile and walked past him to slump against the wall.
"I told you that I wouldn't give them anything, and I didn't kill anyone in the process."
"They may still declare war."
Kagura shrugged.
That may be...but I would rather...
"If I'm going to do this, I want to do this my way. I won't mince my words or pretend to be something I'm not." She breathed deeply and waved her fan to fill the room with a cool breeze. "If someone wants to take something from me, they will have to do it by force. I won't negotiate with idiots."
Sesshoumaru regarded her coolly, silently impressed with her resilience.
"You may not last." he warned, though his words sounded more like a threat than anything else.
Kagura met his eyes without hesitation.
"I'd rather go down fighting."
Sesshoumaru smirked evilly at her. The change relaxed Kagura a bit, and she lowered her arms.
"It seems that has not changed." He rose his chin slightly. "As usual, you are just as irritating as you are stubborn."
Kagura clenched her fists.
"Are you going to pick fights with me all day?"
Sesshoumaru rose one eyebrow.
"Only if you continue to speak."
You...
She smiled.
"I see--you know, I forgot that we could actually get along, you know, when you aren't so possessive or an asshole..."
A low growl caused Kagura to turn her back on him, hiding her pleasure at his disgruntled mood.
"It looks like I'm not the only one who needs to control their temper," she looked over her shoulder at him and flashed him a grin.
Sesshoumaru's face was expressionless again as he stood next to her, once again unbearably close.
"Why did you tell them about your history with Azumamaro?"
Kagura frowned.
"Changing the subject hmm?" she folded her arms and stepped away from him so that the servants could get by and attend to the mess on the floor. Jaken followed them, screeching orders at the top of his lungs.
Sesshoumaru didn't turn his gaze away.
Kagura shifted from one foot to the other, eventually making her way out of the room and into the hall. The daiyoukai lord followed her with ease, accustomed to her hesitance when he posed a question she did not wish to answer.
"Mentioning Azumamaro seemed--"
Dammit, I'm going to sound sappy, I don't even care about him that much, he was just...
"It seemed right," Kagura turned her face to the side, purposely avoiding Sesshoumaru's gaze.
He frowned.
"They would find out that I was involved with him anyway," Kagura lifted one hand and toyed with her fan, keeping her eyes locked anywhere but on Sesshoumaru's face. "This way I can deal with whatever questions or accusations come up--"
"You may have inspired more lords to consider war, they could band together against you in order to exact revenge."
"I don't care about that." For a moment, Kagura seemed distant. She tapped her fan against her thigh and held her stomach with one hand.
Sesshoumaru watched her with a sense of unease, not knowing what to expect.
"Someone is always going to want revenge--I've dealt with plenty of youkai who want to kill me for something Naraku did to them over 60 years ago." Kagura shrugged and lifted her head high, smirking to herself in the process.
"True," Sesshoumaru watched her intently.
Kagura fidgeted slightly under his gaze.
"Why are you staring at me?" She asked.
Sesshoumaru didn't answer her, he simply turned away and looked at the wall.
"Does it make you uncomfortable?"
Kagura could feel her heart pounding in her chest and tried to stand up straight without any sign of distress.
"As if anything you do could ever unnerve me," she rolled her eyes to emphasize her point, and Sesshoumaru responded with a slight nod.
"You are one of the few youkai foolish and irritating enough to test my patience. I have yet to kill you."
Kagura snorted.
"I could say the same to you--you are the only man since Naraku to think he has the authority to order me around."
"I had that authority when you were still under Naraku's control." Sesshoumaru pointed out, with what Kagura thought was too much glee.
Talking like this now, I want to ask him, about what Akina and Gin said...
"Sesshoumaru--"
He turned his head slightly to regard her.
"Your servants--Akina and Gin--"
With him looking at me right now...
Kagura cursed herself for not being able to go further.
What's wrong with me, I'm never like this--I can't even speak...
"They were helpful," she sighed heavily, trying to keep her composure. "I would like to use them for as long as I am here."
Sesshoumaru looked at her blandly.
Obviously he thought there was something more going on.
"Very well." He held her gaze for a moment before turning to walk away.
Kagura leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes.
A harem...I have to know the truth...I have to ask him...
She lowered her brow slightly, frustrated at her own weakness and fear.
This isn't me, I never hesitate...if he has one, I deserve to know! I deserve to yell at him and demand that he--
Kagura took in one shaky breath, letting her eyes fall open and her senses return to her.
Sesshoumaru is perceptive...he knows that something is going on, and he will eventually ask me what it is.
She turned her eyes up to watch his retreating figure, which was almost out of view.
Then I can ask.
Kagura took in another deep breath and convinced herself that was fine.