Title: Illusions of My Memories
Author: SavingRain
Rating: R for violence, bad language, and some sexual content
Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.

Author's Notes: Italics denote the thoughts of characters.

It wasn't long before Kagura realized just how unfulfilling a dimming glow of acceptance could be. Dragging her feet behind her, she wiped the sweat from her brow and lifted her fan again, prepared to repel yet another youkai attack.

Daisetsu's armies were relentless; they charged over hills, out of craggy rocks, and through swamps to get to her, and she was finding the task of keeping them at bay increasingly difficult. She would have thrown her hands up in dismay and left the youkai to themselves if Sesshoumaru were not there watching over her.

Watching over me...

The idea was ludicrous, because he was not doing anything of the sort. The aged daiyoukai lord was much more comfortable watching her as she nearly killed herself. His stone-faced expression flicked over her briefly before journeying onward. As she watched him disappear over the rise, Kagura thought bitterly of how much she would give for an indication of what he was thinking, because for once she found herself incapable of reading his mind or determining his actions. They had never been in this type of situation before; atleast she could remember being attacked and his prompt interference in the situation. His half-hearted justifications for his past actions were starting to appear quite solid. The realization that she was just another youkai, and now a lord, subject to defending her territory, left her as lesser in his eyes. It was a strange shift of power. Holding a higher status meant that she was now obligated to justify that status. Justification could only be made by one person, and that was her. As the sun set again and she pulled her fist out of the bloody chest cavity of yet another fallen warrior, she realized that her relationship with him had changed again in little over a night.

He refused to regard her with his normal nonchalant indifference. Instead, he tested her with an icy gaze and a firm stance. He refused to sway from where he stood, or stray from his path. His sheer lack of concern for her well-being infuriated her. Sesshoumaru's golden orbs pierced through her body, judging her as one would a piece of meat. She no longer had the liberty of wondering whether or not he was looking at more than her; as his eyes swept over her bloody kimono and tangled hair, she was certain that he was comparing her skills to his own superior abilities. Kagura already knew that next to the Dog Lord she was but a shadow of power, and like most youkai, she could never hope to rise to his level of strength. In order to do so, she would have to survive longer and endure more than most youkai were willing to face. Kagura had surmised long ago that somewhere in Sesshoumaru's great lineage, one dog had decided to be more than the others. He had descended from the mountains to lay waste to the lands below. Hundreds of years before Sesshoumaru's father was even born, he ripped his enemies in two, and rutted with youkai women until his offspring's blood ran with gold. Kagura had reasoned this because she was aware that power like Sesshoumaru's did not rise over night. His father's skill and strength had to stem from some great transition in his past. Some crafty youkai had pushed aside the others and cemented himself as the sovereign. The new ruler of the Northern Lands was certain that this was due to intuition and some trace of high-bred female youkai blood, which his father probably channeled into his son, by plucking from among the country's finest females and screwing them senseless until an heir was born. Kagura did not have that liberty. She was not a man, she was a woman thrust full-grown from the belly of a hanyou with a narcissist complex and a craving for the slaughter of others. Her only hope in the world was that she could fight long and hard, and someone would be stupid or kind enough to put up with her or slip up so that she could gut them out.

I was fortunate to find Azumamaro...stupid, rash, Azumamaro, reckless beyond reason...

Kagura snapped her fan up, bating the remaining contenders for power into coming against her. In her spare time to think, she regretted threatening Sesshoumaru's visiting lesser lords, who could probably stand here with her.

Even if they can't fight, a wall of flesh between I and my attackers would be wonderful treat right now.

Twirling her fan up in a circle and calling out her mighty forces, Kagura shook the unnecessary thoughts from her head. No lords would help her fight. She was doomed to do this herself, and it frustrated her, because she was staring down the face of death, and dancing on the edge of its jaw.

Kagura was sure that Sesshoumaru misunderstood the reasons why she had chosen Azumamaro. In all honesty, she had learned in the past that allying herself with someone of the Dog Lord's caliber was not in her best interest. Sesshoumaru was calm, collected, and he took the time to think. Kagura didn't have time for men who took their time to consider actions with their heads. Therefore, she had bound herself to Azumamaro, who was stupid and rash, and willing to take risks where others would not. These were the reasons that Sesshoumaru had found to detest him, and the reasons that Kagura knew her choice was right. She was a stupid and a rash risk. As Naraku's offspring, she was capable of looking at this with an honest eye. It was not something to be pitied, it was something to be accepted with all of the eagerness that any wise man would give to Confucious or bathe his sons in every night. Kagura was a risk by nature of what she was, as a child of Naraku, she would never be welcome until his name was forgotten.

Naraku's name was one that would live on. To Kagura, this was much worse than the memory, for it gave life to the lore that turned youkai against her and stained her dreams at night. She was accustomed to sleeplessness and random attacks at the hands of demons, bent on wiping the last of Naraku's vestiges off of the face of the earth. However, these attacks on her, which came daily and nightly, in the name of bloodlust and glory, were made by demons who could care less where she came from. The beasts who carved their way toward her heart had never heard of Naraku as they endured eternity inside of their small pits and smelly caves. They came calling because they lived for Daisetsu's name, and to see her dead. It seemed that she could not escape the waiting hands of death, because they refused to wait and reached greedily for her, dragging her kicking and screaming towards the end. No matter where she went or what she did, she would always be running. The only thing that stopped running was power, and the wind-user craved it badly now, she tasted it like a starving man tastes bread. It was a wet and eager hunger, painful with the blight of selfishness--a doomed fool's race. Even so, Kagura could not simply cast away the life that she had fought for for so long.

As she created another whirlwind, demolishing her enemies in a wave of blood and gore, she lowered her eyes to Sesshoumaru's back, which was quickly disappearing again in the growing night.

Power ties you down, Naraku is the perfect reminder of what it can do to you. He made himself so dangerous that he could not afford to live without it.

Kagura cursed the irony as she realized that she was in the same position, and the only one who could save her from this endless fighting would always refuse. She wasn't looking to be saved like before, but like anyone, she felt a weakness within her. It nagged at her when she was at her lowest point and could see no way to save herself. It was a loathed part of her mind that pitted itself against her will and her body. It was a sick feeling, because it held a nastalgia to it that was almost human in nature.

A daiyoukai had no reason to feel such things. Sesshoumaru was far more powerful and capable. He easily defeated his enemies, and compared to Kagura, he was sharper and quicker in tongue and in thought. He turned away from her constantly, even as her attempts to solidify her reign forced memories to surface within him; the great lord lowered his brow slightly at the wayward thoughts.

After his father's death, their enemies had clamored to proclaim their glory, claiming that there was no title to the lands that he had one, and there was no heir worthy enough to fight for it.

With a mighty howl, Sesshoumaru had snuffed out their life.

The imposing youkai who threatened him had never made him struggle the way Kagura was struggling now, but he could remember the destruction, the stress, and the insult that followed with the challenges to his name. He had rarely found himself at peace.

The wind swelled with the strength of Kagura's vigor, pulling at him and reminding him of her easy commands of the element. A sharp gust alerted him to her presence as she neared him, only to be held back again by another marauding youkai. Fixed on the dark memories, Sesshoumaru dented his brow slightly, a movement that was imperceptible to anyone in the coming darkness. He turned his back on Kagura again and proceeded forward, listening to her cry out attacks and curse him simultaneously.

He would not fight her battles for her. For nearly a century, this had not changed. Sesshoumaru saw no reason to change now. He was confident that Kagura would recover from her bruises and find her way to him again. With some annoyance, he realized that she always did.

After a few moments of peace and quiet, he wasn't surprised to see her descending from her feather on wounded legs and attacking him with her strident cries.

"You fucking asshole--" Kagura breathed in deeply, barely managing to settle herself.

The other regarded her with an arched eyebrow before brushing past her to continue on his journey.

"What the hell--Sesshoumaru!" Kagura charged after him, waving her fan for emphasis and blowing a gust of wind his way.

He closed his eyes slightly in irritation, wondering if his desire to aqcuire more power was worth bargaining with Kagura. It was true that her presence in the Northern Lands would allow him some freedom in the utilization of his troops--the growing mass of humans would have to be subdued at some point, and the land that he pawned off to Kagura might prove useful. The only drawback to aqcuiring it himself was the direct insult to his name--the barren Northern Lands were rife with undisciplined, primal youkai that would attack him endlessly in the name of fallen Lords and lost causes. He knew he would find no rest if he were to take on the simple task of expanding his territory directly--thus, allowing Kagura to take hold of it, dig her nails into it, and tear out the fetishes of times past, was a welcome idea. Why should he dirty his hands and subsequently, his father's, by declaring himself master of a region that his ancestors had deemed unworthy of conquering long ago? The thought disgusted him.

Kagura could monopolize the territory, and then he, Sesshoumaru, the great Dog Lord and Lord of the Western Lands, would set his own forces to work in selected regions, planting an army that would expand into the east and destroy the youkai who amassed there. As the offensive words left Kagura's mouth again, and she thrust her face into his, he found himself coming to terms with one important fact: there was an excellent chance that Kagura would fight him on letting his forces in. With her cantankerous nature it was not presumptious to assume that she could adopt some silly idea that it would be in her favor to oppose him. He watched her lift her fan up threateningly, but not daring to bring it close to his face, she twisted her lips in an ugly fashion and shook her head. No, it was not difficult to imagine that same, defiant face, hot with anger, and throwing her life away over a trivial cause. If she opposed him...

I would kill her.

His thoughts paused with that statement, and his eyes narrowed slightly as she moved her body away from his, pacing back and forth and kicking his servant in the process. Jaken yelled some protest and lifted Nintoujou threateningly, only to disappear behind his Lord's icy gaze. Killing Kagura was something that he had contemplated before, but only idily--with his position he was comfortable with cleaving off his enemies' heads. When she tried to convince him to challenge Naraku for her, he had considered it on the spot. However, there was something about her that prevented him from acting on that front. The first reason, which Sesshoumaru was certain of, was that she was beneath his contemption and thus beneath raising his hand or Toukijin in the name of killing. She was too willfull an opponent, and a woman, much less...and certainly not a warrior worthy enough of merit to die at his hand. The second reason was that Rin, for all of her human faults, had some affinity for the creature. Despite his ward's death, Sesshoumaru saw no reason to go against her feelings, because they were usually right, and led him to great victories. The third reason was, strangely, and much to his consternation, something completely alien to the others.

The third reason was not a matter of status or allegiances, it was because of his former relationship with the woman. By herself, Kagura was insignificant. In leiu of their past associations, she was much more. She had been allowed into his confidences in a way that an enemy should not be allowed. Sesshoumaru had no desire to look foolish for killing a past lover before other youkai. As he reminded himself that he did not care what anyone else thought, it became painfully obvious that he did care what he thought. It was a dreadful thing to misjudge the character of a female who shared your bed--the idea of her raising a violent hand against him was disgraceful.

Still, the thought rang in his mind: he would kill her, if he had to.

His eyes followed her as she came astride him, continuing her tirade and stepping on Jaken in the process.

As he watched her limbs flail about in vain anger, the thought came to him again. It frustrated him. Why did she have to be so willful? Why could she not submit to his authority and still her tongue? Stopping short, he fixed an angry glare on her, and finding her now silenced, continued onward. As he suspected, the silence was short-lived.

"I didn't think," Kagura prodded, a few minutes later when they had cleared the forests and descended into another barren valley, "that you would simply let me be attacked."

Sesshoumaru didn't respond.

Kagura frowned, trying another angle.

"Look, I know that you don't want to get involved with my personal battles," she stared at his face for a while, studying the stony mask. "Don't you think it's a little insulting that youkai are attacking me--when they know I'm traveling with you?"

He paused slightly, fixing her with a steady gaze. Jaken came to a stop behind them, studying them both with the childlike wonder that he had turned to lately--eversince his lord had taken to spending his time with loud-mouthed females. Their interaction baffled him.

"They are not attacking me."

"Yes, but--"

"You are not under my protection."

"Of course not--"

"Kagura," his face was serious, and then changed slightly, edging up into that dark dangerous smile that was rarely seen on his features, one that Jaken had been accustomed to before Inuyasha had taken his master's arm, and had only emerged long after Rin's death, when Kagura had taken to visiting them.

It still sent chills down his spine.

Kagura only held an annoyed look on her face, pitying herself and anyone else who would have the blessing of putting up with such an arrogant bastard.

"Are you saying you want this Sesshoumaru to protect you?"

Jaken laughed, Kagura snorted. She kicked Jaken to the side for good measure. He protested by wacking her with Nintoujou, which she took from him and threw to the side. Sesshoumaru watched them with an amused indifference, wondering again why she couldn't just dissolve into the air somewhere and return when he felt it necessary. Of course, she could not. Such an action did not become her.

"You fucking asshole--" Kagura inched closer to his face again, wacking her fan against her thigh and leaving Jaken disillusioned and upset at the sudden loss of his staff.

"Then cease this questioning." his voice was thunderous, and the earlier vacant expression returned, showing that he was not at ease with her questioning or insinuations, and certainly didn't appreciate them.

It was a clear indication that he was very close to losing his temper. Kagura flipped up her chin defiantly, uncaring of his moods or his boundaries.

"Don't dictate to me, you son of a bitch!" her fan came up and snapped at her side, flying to her face to shield her grin.

It's true, after all...

Sesshoumaru didn't look pleased, he simply ignored her. Jaken began to scream curses at her again.

"You have some nerve watching these youkai come after me and standing there like a fucking zombie!" she circled him, and Sesshoumaru finally stopped walking to stare straight ahead.

Jaken stiffened.

Sesshoumaru turned his gaze towards his servant, and with one smooth gesture grabbed the creature by the throat and threw him away. The unsuspecting youkai cried out in surprise, mortified at his lord's sudden turn to anger, and the fact that this same anger was being used against him. The poor beast tumbled over the treetops and mourned his fate as he fell to the ground, bumping his head on rocks and scratching himself against twigs. Why fate had decided to turn against him was anyone's guess, Kagura was likely asking the same question, even as Sesshoumaru's body hovered over hers and forced her against the forest floor. The conversation that followed would be one that she would regret forever.