Haley stopped the flight attendant and asked her for a pen. She needed to gather her thoughts, and at the rate her mind was going, she needed to get it down on paper. Haley was trying to keep Kate's pep talk foremost in her mind, because if she didn't, she was liable to get off the plane and run all the way back to Boston. The one thing that kept going through her head was a poem she had learned in her first year of college English by Pablo Neruda. She chose to focus on that instead of the knot in her stomach.
She had no plan for when the plane landed. She didn't know what she would do, or say, or be. The only thing she did know was that she loved him. And that for the first time in her life, her love was stronger than her fear. She had already experienced the worst case scenario by losing him; she had nothing left to lose this time around.
Haley deboarded and went to baggage pickup in a daze. She was entirely focused on the job at hand, and that job was to find Nathan and...well, she'd have to find him first. The and part would come after.
She gave the driver directions to the beach house and held her breath the whole way there. When she stepped out of the car she noticed that the Escalade was not in the driveway and the house appeared dark. The cab had already driven away when she realized that she didn't have keys to the house. She considered breaking in, but instead, looked in all the usual places for a hidden key. There didn't appear to be one at the front door, so she walked around to the back. She found the sliding glass doors to be open. Nathan must have left in a hurry and forgot to lock it. Maybe luck was on her side. The first thing she did when she walked in was plug in the lights on the tree. In the darkened living room, it was breathtaking to see it all lit up. She stood there for a few moments, taking another mental picture. She put down her bags and went to her piano room. In the bustle and confusion that had been the last two days, she hadn't even had a chance to try it out. She hesitantly lifted the lid and brushed her fingers over the smooth ivory keys. She pulled out the bench and sat down. Haley didn't know where start or what to play, but the song came out anyway. As she played, all of her fears and regrets came out. The music seemed to make them tangible. She didn't know how long she had been playing and crying, but it was the release she desperately needed - one that was five long years in the making. She seamlessly went from one heartbreaking song to the next, singing when she had her tears under control, sobbing when she didn't. The sounds of her and the piano echoed through the empty house.
And that was where Nathan found her. She didn't hear him come in, didn't sense him standing in the doorway, and he let her play. Listening to Haley play always made Nathan feel like he had a window into her soul. Like every wall and barrier she put up magically disappeared when she sat down. It's why he had the piano in the house – for her to escape with and for him to watch and listen. He could tell exactly how she was feeling by what and how she played. Music was her explanation when she couldn't find the words. He knew that better than anyone. At that moment, her voice was not failing her; it was clear and haunting. She was singing an old Shawn Colvin song and the lyrics were unsettling.
"Today, we took a walk up the street, we picked a flower, and climbed the hill above the lake. And secret thoughts were said aloud, we watched the faces in the clouds until the clouds had blown away. And were we ever somewhere else? You know, it's hard to say. And I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world. You're giving me all you have and more. And no one else has ever shown me how, to see the world the way I see now. Oh I, I never saw blue like that. I can't believe a month ago I was alone, I didn't know, hadn't seen you or heard your name. And even now, I'm so amazed it's like a dream, it's like a rainbow, it's like the rain. And some things are the way they are and words just can't explain. I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world. You're giving me all you have and more. And no one else has ever shown me how, to see the world the way I see it now, oh I, oh I never saw blue like that before. And it feels like now, and it feels always, and it feels like coming home. I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world, you're giving me all you have and more. And no one else has ever shown me how, to see the world the way I see it now. Oh I, I never saw blue like that, before...Oh I, I never saw blue like that." Haley sang with every ounce of her soul.
When she finished it, she didn't start another song - she didn't have another song in her heart. That one said everything she couldn't. As she put the lid back down on the piano, Nathan wiped a tear away from his cheek before he let her know he was standing there. The movement caught Haley's attention. Even in the dark, she knew it was him and she was ready.
"I figured if went to all the trouble to get a baby grand into your house, the least I could do before I go is try it out." Haley said not getting up from the piano.
"Haley..." Nathan started.
"Wait. I know you said you needed time to think, and that you couldn't think with me here." Haley said. "But here's the thing. I'm not leaving. I mean I left, but I came back"
Nathan moved out of the doorway and took a seat facing her on the couch.
"You were right earlier when you said I screwed up. I was just like Dan but that wasn't my intention. I didn't do it to manipulate you, or to serve my own ends. I was scared...and not just about your future, but about us. I pinched myself every day that we were together because I couldn't believe that it was real...that you loved me. I knew you weren't perfect but you were always larger than life to me. And it was just so hard for me to reconcile that someone like you could love someone like me. You were this talented, beautiful human being that could do anything, be anything, and I was just...Haley. I never felt special enough for you. And for five years I held on to that. I lied to you, but worst of all, I lied to myself. I pretended that I left to help you, that I was making this grand gesture, that I would sacrifice myself for the greater good. I'm done pretending."
"Haley..." Nathan started again.
"Wait right here. I brought something for you." She quickly rummaged through her carry on bag and found what she was looking for. She came back to find him still seated on the couch. "I've held this box close to my heart for the last five years. When things were hard, I'd go through everything in here and it made me feel like you were with me. It was my way of keeping you close. I can't go back and change the things I did. If I could I would...in a heart beat. I came here tonight, because if I let you push me away, then I'd just be making the same mistake twice. Because the truth of the matter is, I don't know how to be me without you. I need you to forgive me...because I made a big mistake."
"What if it's not that easy Haley?" Nathan finally spoke.
"What if it is? Lucas said you looked for me for the last five years. Yesterday you were talking about our children growing up here. I know I let you down. I know that all this time you had faith when I didn't but I'm here now. Give me a chance to prove to you that I won't let you down again. I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you if you'll just forgive me. I'm not asking you to forget...I want you to remember. I want you to remember that you love me. I found this one day when I was at your apartment." She handed him the notebook. "I wasn't snooping, I promise. Just looking for bubbles." He took it from her. "Why did you keep it all these years?" Haley asked.
Nathan rubbed the cover reverently and dropped his head. "I had to." He whispered. "It was all you left behind."
She knelt down in front of him so she was eye level. "I'm sorry. I promise you here and now that I'll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives until you believe it."
She took the book from his hands and opened it to the pages she had marked on the plane. "You wrote after today I have no doubt that you and I were meant to face the world together, and," she flipped the pages to the next mark, "even if I don't get to talk to you, I just breath easier know you are going to be sleeping next to me, tonight and every other night, and" she flipped pages again, "I screw up so much Hales, I can't believe you always forgive me. I think I seriously need to look into that bulk thing you talked about way back when."
"I'm so ashamed of the way I left Nate. I wrote in here that love wasn't enough... that I needed to be more than just your wife...that we were naïve to think you could find the love of your life at sixteen. But we did. The proof is in the fact that, even though we are different people now, at least I am, the instant I saw you, I felt exactly the same way I did the night I married you. Back then I let Dan push me out, I let my fear control my actions but I am done doing both of those things. I have too much to lose. I added another entry to the book...it's something that should have been in there all along." She opened the book to the new last entry. "Nate," She read. "When I found this book, six years after we started it, I was blown away. So much has happened in between the last entry in here and today. I've fallen in love with you all over again – maybe I never stopped. Right now I am sitting on the plane, coming back to you, hoping you'll give me another chance to explain. I couldn't come up with a present for you for Christmas this year. After endless shopping trips, I was really at a loss. What could I find in a store that would show you, without a doubt, that you are my life, my heart, and my soul? No such gift exists that can be bought. So I decided to go back to what we did in the beginning, before we had money, or a future, or a clue. This book started as a way to communicate in our busy drama filled lives. It became the story of us. But the ending just doesn't sit well with me. So I'll leave your present here. It's a quote from someone much wiser than I am. It says everything I should have told you but didn't. It's how I feel about you. It goes, "I love you without knowing how, or when or from where. I love you straight forwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this." I hope once I see your beautiful blue eyes again, that you find it in your heart to forgive me, because I know no other way to be, than with you. Love always, Haley." She finished. She had tears in her eyes and was almost afraid to look at him.
It took a moment for it to all sink in for Nathan. He put his finger under her chin and made her look him in the eyes. As her head came up, the tears fell.
"Don't cry Hales. I hate it when you cry." He said half smiling. Haley flung herself into his arms. She couldn't help it. He hugged her back. They stayed that way for a long time, seemingly holding on for dear life.
"I talked to my dad today." Nathan said. This was not what Haley was hoping to hear first from him. She leaned out of the embrace and looked into his face. It was unreadable.
"Oh," was all she said.
"There is something I need to tell you...something I should have said before. Something I've wanted to say to you for six years."
"What's that?"
"Don't leave." He whispered.
Haley couldn't believe her ears. "Could you say that again?" she whispered back.
"Haley...don't leave." He said with more force. "You left the first time without giving me a chance to speak...and all those years I looked for you, all I ever wanted to say was don't go. Today, when we were confessing all our past sins, I forgot that. After my conversation with you, I went for breakfast with my dad. It was the usual crap, but I'm not seventeen anymore either and I know what he's like. I also remember what it was like with him back then, and you weren't anything like him, then or now.
After breakfast with my dad I went to the river court with Luke. We started out just shooting, not talking about anything just goofing around like when we were kids. Back then...when you left...it felt like I couldn't get out of bed. Luke let me wallow for about a month and then one day he just showed up at the apartment with a ball. That first time he had to literally, physically drag me out to the court. For a long time we didn't talk, just played. Then one day he reminded me that after you've been knocked down, you just have to get back up and push through the pain. Eventually, the pain will ease up, and eventually you learn to live with it. So we'd play. He wouldn't ask questions, and I didn't offer anything. I just focused on each shot. One at a time, one foot in front of the other. After the shock of you leaving slowly faded, the questions started. I read that notebook so many times I thought it would fall apart - looking for answers. Then one day it hit me. I didn't need answers. The only thing I needed was a chance to say to you, "don't leave." I didn't want an explanation, I didn't care why anymore, I just wanted you. Today I got wrapped up in my rant, and some part of me wanted to hurt you, which is why I said some of the things I said. I am not proud of that but it's the truth. But as I was shooting one basket after another at the court today, it came flooding back, that all that shit didn't matter. I have been telling you that for months – the past doesn't matter but for a second there I forgot. We both made mistakes. We've both been hurt, and we've both paid the price for being stubborn, or stupid, or whatever." He got up off the couch. "Come with me." He said.
She followed him out to the living room. He sat her down in a chair and went to the tree. He pulled an envelope from inside the branches and placed it in her lap. "What's this?" she asked.
"You said you had problem picking out a present for me. Well, so did I. This is what I finally settled on." He motioned for her to open it.
She carefully tore open the envelope and saw that there were papers inside. She was confused by them. "I don't understand? What is this Nathan?"
"You asked me to forgive you...for leaving, for hurting me. You kept a secret from me for the last five years and I know that you've paid for that. I know that it hurt you as much as it hurt me. Well, I kept a secret too. I never signed or filed these papers. I couldn't do it. You had a box of stuff that made you feel like I was with you; I had the knowledge that you were still my wife. "
Inside the envelope were their divorce papers. Her signature was on them, but Nathan's space was blank "I wanted to push through the pain, to get to a place where it didn't hurt anymore but that just wasn't meant to be. The only time that pain went away, was when I found you again. I don't need you to apologize to me Haley. I need you to answer my question." He said.
"What question is that?" Haley asked through fresh tears.
"Don't leave. Please stay. Will you stay?" He repeated.
"Oh, Nathan..." she kissed him in response.
They didn't talk anymore that night...it seemed like they had finally reached a point where they ran out of words. The next morning they woke up in each others arms and were both grateful for that. They had come so close to losing it, that the simple act of waking up together made them appreciate the day a little more. He jokingly pinched her, so that she would know she wasn't dreaming. They made breakfast together and on her tray was another surprise. She looked at Nathan and he simply smiled in response. It was a perfect start to the day...to the rest of their lives.
The day passed in a blur, people started arriving early and once they did, Haley and Nathan were busy with all their guests. At six o'clock they sat down to dinner, all twenty-four of their closest family and friends. Nathan tapped his wineglass to get everyone's attention for a toast.
He looked around the table and saw everyone who meant anything to him and those he loved. There was his brother, his mom and her boyfriend Mark, Karen and Larry, Peyton, Jake and Jenny, Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer (Peyton's grandparents), Mr. and Mrs. Jagielski, Grandma and Grandpa Scott, Grandma and Grandpa Taylor (Deb's parents), Keith and his wife Julie, Brooke, Mr. and Mrs. Roe, Whitey, and at the end of the table, his beautiful wife Haley.
"I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone for coming. I feel really blessed this year, as it appears that everyone has finally made it home." He gave Haley a knowing glance, "Christmas is about family and I can honestly say that my whole family is here. So," he leaned down and picked up his wineglass, "I'd like to raise a toast. To family, friends and homecomings. May these holidays give you all the happiness that I have today. Cheers!" Nathan said.
"Nathan Daniel Scott!" Deb yelled out. "You did it again didn't you!"
Her shriek got everyone's attention. No one knew what she was talking about, but they were definitely interested to know why she was yelling at Nathan after a perfectly nice toast.
"Mom, what are you talking about?" Nathan asked.
She reached out and grabbed his hand. "This!" she said.
That morning Nathan had placed Haley's wedding ring on her breakfast tray. When she smiled at him, he simply held up his own hand, showing her the matching ring on his finger. They had both held onto those rings for so long, it seemed only right that they put them back on.
"Mom," Nathan started to explain.
"You robbed me of a wedding last time. And now you've gone and snuck off in the middle of the night again and gotten married. Did you two consider for fifteen seconds that maybe the family you were so eloquently spouting off about just now, would like to share your happiness with you?" Deb seemed really hurt.
"It's not like that Deb." Haley interjected. "We never really got divorced. The papers were never filed."
"Oh," Deb replied.
"But I was thinking, that maybe if you all don't have plans for New Years and if my wife," Nathan smiled at Haley, "agrees, we could renew our vows....maybe here on the beach and definitely with all of you there. I thought it might be a nice way to start the New Year."
"Really?" Haley asked Nathan. At that moment, she was not aware of the twenty-two sets of eyes watching her expectantly. All she could see was the look of love on her husband's face.
"What do you think?" he asked, equally unaware.
"I think it's a fabulous idea." Deb answered for her. Haley just smiled at Nathan and nodded.
"Well, then I propose a new toast." Lucas stood up. "To my brother, his beautiful wife and the upcoming wedding...may all the hard times be behind you and to a future filled with happiness." He offered.
Everyone raised their glass to that.
Later that night, after everyone had gone home, Haley went outside for some fresh air. After the events of the past twenty-four hours, or actually the past five-plus years, she just needed a moment to herself to let it all sink in. As she stood there in the moonlight, on the porch of her home, in the town they grew up in, she had a moment of clarity. In the end it wasn't about Dan, or Nathan, or herself. It was about growing up. It was about owning your life and accepting your mistakes and decisions at face value, without regret. She could admit that she might have saved herself a lot of heartache and tears if she hadn't run away...if she had talked to Nathan when she should have. But she couldn't regret those decisions, because it put her on the path to the life she had today. And ya, maybe it would have been easier to go through all of the struggles of the last five years with Nathan by her side, but she wondered if she would have appreciated the present as much as she did, if she had done things differently. Would have, should have, could have, could drive you crazy. As she felt the ocean breeze against her face she spotted a lone sailboat on the water and it hit her - you can't run from the wind, any more than you can run from life. You just have to face the music, trim your sails, and keep going. Eventually you'll end up exactly where you are supposed to be. Haley knew in heart...in her very soul...that every thing she had done had brought her to this place. She realized that she wouldn't change a thing - not a mistake, not a tear, not a single second of joy or sorrow because at this moment, she was truly, blissfully happy. She knew she did the right thing. Haley smiled to herself, and went inside to find her husband.
A/N Last one, so I thought I'd get a little more specific. First off, thanks to everyone for sticking with this story so long - I hope it was worth it. Specifically to Aiesha, Candyspark, carolinagirl2487, duckygirl, hotg92886, jumper, othlov3r23, pagan, tardychick06, weightedtiara - you all left multiple, encouraging reviews. You so kept me going when I felt stuck.
Thre are so many others who left two or three reviews that were amazingly detailed and helpful...you are fabulous too. And for those of you just lurking, I hope you liked what you read.
I have no plans for sequel, but I was inspired by a Jake/Peyton story I read...so that's what's in my head right now.
Thank you again for all your help and encouragement. Now that this story is complete, I hope you'll let me know what you think of the whole picture. Always - Carys