Death's door

You're dieing, Lucius. Do you realise, I wonder?

I think you've been dead a long time, Lucius. Left with only a fraction of yourself, and now even that is going. Slowly seeping away as you lie there on the hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling. What do you see, Lucius?

It is all his fault you're here. You-know-who. Your Dark Lord. For years and years he has been slowly, and I don't doubt painfully, killing you. Controlling you. Ruining our life. Can you remember back to before he took you? I knew you then like I don't know you now. If he hadn't been there, you would still be free. Untouched. Maybe even happy. Would you still have chosen to marry me?

Draco has been affected by the lack of your Lord's presence. But I had to persuade him to come today. He said he hates you. He's watching you now like you're a stranger. I can see why. His father was a powerful man. My husband. Usually so calm and collected, and now you lie sweating in fever, babbling in insanity.

Do you remember Draco's first steps? They were to you, Lucius. He always adored you. I was just there. His mother. Your wife. I don't think he loved me, Lucius, but I loved him. I still do. I'll look after him when you're gone, but I fear that soon your Lord will take him too. Kill him too. I don't think I'll be able to live, Lucius. Who will I have?

I want to remember, Lucius, and I want you to remember. You're going to die any minute now, and all that comes to mind is all those times you were angry with me, and angry with Draco. You were an angry man, Lucius. At least in death you'll finally find peace. But I need to find the memories, each precious one like tiny slips of paper that I locked away.

Like the time you called me Cissa. The only time in my life. Do you remember? It slipped out, accidentally, and we were alone, but for that moment, even if was only a second, you must have thought of me as Cissa, and not Narcissa. It's such a cold name, but you insisted on using it, even when I asked you not to. At least it was better than 'Miss Black'. Miss Black suited Bellatrix, but never me.

Are you thinking about her now, Lucius? I should expect that not many men can refuse her. I'm not stupid. I know what she did. What you both did. She practically told me herself. She's always liked you, and she did seem rather sour when we married. This was her way of getting to me, I suppose. But I wasn't jealous, Lucius. I didn't want your sex. I wanted love. I still do.

Did you ever love me Lucius? I always hoped. But you never said it. Not even once. I know. I've always been waiting.

I want you to say it now. But you're getting worse. Your words are a constant stream of nonsense. Maybe they mean something to you, though. Maybe you know that soon you will die. Can you see the tunnel? Do you see Death's door?

I can't help but cry as you fall still. I don't want you to leave me now, Lucius, but you're fading. You're no longer clutching my hand, and your babbling ceases.

"Please don't leave me Lucius..."

Draco reaches for your other hand, silently.

"I love you," I whisper.

I feel you squeeze my hand once more, before your grasp relaxes completely. Your fight until the end is finally over.

And when Draco has left me, I will cling onto this memory, and I will imagine that when you squeezed my hand, right at the end, you were saying that you love me too.

I was in a bad mood. I felt like killing someone off. But this is seperate from my Narcissa story, even if it is about the same people...