yeah! Finally!
In honor of my getting a Mountain Boy My Little Pony, I am updating!! ye-ah! Now, my Mountain Boy, Lightning, (I renamed him Zeus.. lol) is dating Regentropfen! And I have yet another Mountain Boy, Ice Crystal! YE-AH!
For those of you who have no idea what I just said, oh well! Anyway, I don't (but sometimes occasionally wish I did) own any of the people/things on the following list:
Jeopardy!
CNN
Paula Zahn
Anderson Cooper
Heidi Collins
the fat chick on CNN
Lou Dobbs
Jimmy Neutron
Cindy Vortex
The Fairly Oddparents
Ken Jennings
Katie Couric
My Little Pony
TV guide
the ABC broadcasting company
and any relationships/characteristics (except for Paula being a bitch) of any of these people and/or things are purely fictional. (yup, I'm pretty sure Heidi never had sexual relations w/ Anderson)
That said,
On w/ story! ;)
The sun was blinding him. It swallowed him up in all its blinding power and dared him to scream for help.
The cannibals hadn't eaten him yet, for reasons he didn't understand.
Oh, shit, he thought, watching the cannibal king approach.
"What your name, plump one?" the king asked, stopping.
"P-pp-popo."
"Popo? I like. Servants! Bring the boiling pot!"
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!! Popo's mind screamed.
Six cannibals carried the pot over and set it on a hot fire. The king ordered them to do something in cannibal language, and Popo feared for his life. The king smiled down at him, his teeth rotted and bloody...
Y'Link stood in front of the huge crowd, showing off his hairbrush and shiny hair. A bunch of "ooohs" and "awws" could be heard as they watched him demonstrate the correct way to brush hair.
"Now," he told the crowd, "take your hairbrush and hold in the hand that you write with. Carefully, hold it up to your head, yes, just like that! Touch your hairbrushes' bristles to your hair and pull back! Now you've got it! Yes, that's it!"
All the people on Fuckyourmother Lane cheered and brushed their hair until it shone brighter than the sun! Y'Link waited until they were all finished and dove off the stage, into the waiting arms of the residents of Fuckyourmother Lane.
"Y'LINK! Y'LINK!" they all shouted, tossing his light weight twenty feet in the air and catching him again.
Samus was bored, but when she looked at the clock on the lounge room wall, she realized that Jeopardy! was on. OR, she could watch The Fairly Oddparents. BUT then again she could still watch the second half of Anderson Cooper 360. So many choices... she thought as she watched the TV guide channel.
But then she remembered how fucked up Alex Trebek was, and decided on Jeopardy. Soon she had rounded up most of the smashers, that would be all of the smashers that weren't giving hairbrushing lessons, getting eaten by cannibals or curing one bizatch of a hangover.
The total was about five:
Fox
Samus
Peach
Yoshi
Pichu
Jeopardy! started. but instead of Alex Trebek grinning maniacally at them, Paula Zahn stood stiffly behind the game-counter-thingie, shuffling the answer cards.
"Good Evening," she greeted them, her expression unchanging. "I'm deeply sorry that Alex couldn't be here tonight, but he had a serious mental breakdown and is currently staying in a local mental hospital. I, being a personal friend of Alex, was chosen as the first ever sub. YES! Take that, Katie Couric, you bitch!"
the camera pans over the contestants, who are looking worried
"Ah, yes. Anyway, since I temporarily have a show on broadcast television, things will be run MY way!"
All of a sudden, the Jeopardy! board is pink, and all of the camera men, w/ the exception of fat ones, are naked. Also, Paula's bitch, Heidi Collins, is in one of those horny-ass porno suits, dancing on a pole that appeared from no where.
"And," Paula continued, "I shall now interview the contestants, who are my personal favorite TV show characters!"
Paula walked over to the 3 podium thingies, taking her time and slapping the redheaded Heidi's ass on the way.
When she finally arrived at the podiums, she shook hands w. the first contestant, who also went by the name Jimmy Neutron.
"Hello, Jimmy. Nice to see you."
"Nice to be here. Remind me, again, where the hell am I?"
"Why, you're on Jeopardy! silly!"
"Oh. Cool."
"So," Paula started tentatively, "I'm going to ask you some questions that-"
"I REFUSE to answer personal questions that I find, uh, distasteful."
"Well, Jimmy, you have to answer every question, or face the wrath of Lou Dobbs!"
"Oh, no! it's HORRIBLE!!!!!" Jimmy screamed, and then he calmed down. "Ok, um, ask away."
Paula holds up a picture of herself naked "What do you think?"
"YUCK!!!" Jimmy grabbed for the nearest pointy object w/ which to poke his eyes out. The lie detector machine that was all magically hooked up to him put two words in green on it's huge, computer-like screen: NOT LYING. Jimmy grinned at it. "I invented that, yanno."
scowling, Paula held up a pic of Cindy Naked (whoo whoo Cindy lol) "What do you think?"
Jimmy crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "I refuse to answer."
"Ok..."
Paula turns on a TV showing Lou Dobbs's show on CNN "Blah, blah, blah, President, gay marriage..."
"OK!! MAKE IT STOP! I'll answer the question, just please, make it stop!"
The whole studio audience holds their breath
Samus and her non-hungover, non-gettingeatenbycannibals, non-teachingpplhowtobrushhair smashers all held their breath b/c they just finished watching the Jimmy Neutron marathon and think it's totally obvious that Cindy and Jimmy LVE each other
(A/N: actually, that was me :P. A week at my sisters taught me to appreciate cable TV.)
"Ewww?" Jimmy hoped his lie detector machine would lie. Out of the corner of his eye he read the word LYING! in huge red letters.
Paula nodded and went to the next contestant, AKA Cindy.
Jimmy looks all shocked b/c Cindy appeared out of nowhere
She was giving him a weird look, and before he knew it he was in a room, and it was 3 days later. (I'm not saying anyone fucked anyone; I'm overly implying it!)
Paula watched the 2 kids drag each other off. "Well, my last contestant is the only contestant left, and therefore he is the winner. Your winner, Ken Jennings!"
the directors backstage are all unhappy "Paula! You dumb bitch, We have 25 more minutes of airtime, jackass!"
Paula then threw a huge hissyfit and quit her temporary job. ABC cut to a sudden commercial break, and when they came back, Anderson Cooper was hosting the show, which was still pink and slutty.
"Welcome back. Sorry about that, maybe CNN will drop her, too." Anderson puts his hands together and mutters a prayer. "Alright, our new sacrificial lambs- er, 'contestants' are Bob and Anne. Well, welcome to Jeopardy! and I hope you've memorized every encyclopedia at your local library. Alright, our categories are: 'science fiction,' 'Insanely dumb blonds,' 'sex stuff,' 'languages,' 'My Little Pony,' 'book prices,' and, of course, 'CNN.'" Andy seems amused at 'CNN,' and raised his eyebrows at 'sex toys.'
"Well, Ken, the producers tell me you're first."
"I'll take CNN for 200, Andy."
"This news anchor on CNN is known to bore audiences to sleep."
Anne rings in "Who is Lou Dobbs?"
"Yes, believe me that is true. Alright, go again, Anne." Anderson stared boredly off into space, reading questions when expected, dadidadada.
Finally, the entire board is cleared, except for 2 categories, 'insanely dumb blonds,' and 'My Little Pony.'
"Alright," Anderson said, looking at Ken Jennings' score, which totally whipped the asses of bob and Mary's. "We'll take another commercial break."
During the break, Andy read through all of the answer cards, adjusted his tie, got a lap dance from Heidi, and reported the news to the audience, all in 3 minutes!
camera pans over Andy, who is looking sideways at Heidi, almost skeptically and unbelievingly
"Thank you Heidi for, uh, that. Well, Ken was about to pick."
"I'll take 'My Little Pony' for 200, Alex- er, Andy."
Andy looks amused, then a bit offended
"The My Little Pony pictured here is called this flattering name." a pic of a My Little Pony w/ a yellow body, extra long blue, pink, green, and red mane and tail w/ a mirror painted on her butt is shown
Ken answers, "What is Pretty Vision?"
"Yes. By the way, why did you call me Alex?"
"Uh, you two look similar and I've been on this show for, what, two months now?"
"Do I really look that old?" Andy's afraid...
"No, it's just that your hair is white, and I mean really white. How old are you, anyway?"
"37. How old are you?"
"37! cool. By the way, your girlfriend Heidi is pretty hotttt."
"She's not my girlfriend! Well, we may have had horny drunken sex in a car when I got back from Baghdad, but it meant nothing."
the camera pans over Heidi running off crying and then that fat chick that sometimes subs for that old guy on CNN comes out
"Well, hello, uh, whatever your name is. I really like your outfit," Andy commented.
She looked down at her skirt and professional top. "Thanks, Andy. But Heidi's all insulted and shit. You should apologize."
Heidi comes back out, except she is properly dressed and even stiffer than the bitch known as Paula Zahn
Andy said some things to her and then they hugged. It looked really obvious that Heidi was going for a kiss, but Andy steered their lips off course. the audience 'awws' until the fat chick gives them a dirty look
Andy turned back to the camera and got all professional, or as professional as he gets, b/c no offense to him, he's kinda casual when reporting, except for that time when he was live in Baghdad. He looked like he either wanted to die, get fired, or fall asleep. Of course, he looked the same way at the Democratic National Convention. (lol, it's true.)
Ken, Jane, and Joe are all staring
"Alright, Jane- wait, 2 minutes ago your name was Mary! And 4 minutes ago it was Anne! And Joe? What the....." Andy was all bewildered and shit.
"Andy, Andy, Andy...." Ken said, getting creepier w/ each word he spoke. "Haven't you realized that I'm beating new contestants so fast, the producers have to bring in new, identical clones every commercial break?"
"But, if they're identical..."
"Yes, I know. But those producers are so high they don't know what the fuck's going on. Oh yeah, Jane says you're so hotttt and she wants to fuck you. Can we continue?"
camera pans over Jane, who is smiling shyly and waving at Andy
"Well, uh, like I was saying, Jane will pick first in Double Je-"
"But Andy! The board isn't cleared yet! That's a buncha-"
"Listen, Ken, shut your mouth. Just b/c your Alex's boyfriend doesn't mean you can boss me around. You could have bossed Paula around, but not me! Alright, let's take our- what? Oh, ok. The producers have just informed me that we don't have time for Double Jeopardy, so we have to skip directly to Final Jeopardy. The Final Jeopardy category is 'Algebra.' Well, make your wagers and we'll go to our last commercial break."
During the commercial break, Andy readjusted his tie and went backstage to talk to Heidi. Long story short, they ended up having sex again, but Andy got back just in time to read the Final Jeopardy question.
"Now, taking Algebra to the Nth degree- wait, no, uh, ok, here's the question: 'This is the theorem used to solve for c in the equation a² b²=c²' Alright,
you have thirty seconds."
camera pans over Ken writing steadily, Joe writing steadily, and Jane staring, love struck, at Anderson
"Well, time's up, so Joe, you had the least points, so we'll look at your answer first. Alright, you said 'what is the Pythagorean Theorem?' Yup! You wagered? '30,000 points?' well sorry, Joe, but you don't even have that much. Alright, that brings you to 15,000 points. Next, Jane, you answered 'Anderson Cooper is hottttttttt!!!" Uh, thank you? You wagered? 'I wanna screw you?!' Do you realize-"
"SO??! Andy, you are so fucking sexy. I want your body!!!" Jane runs over to Andy's podium and attempts to hug him, but some naked security dudes stop her
"Well, Ken was right and now has way too much money. By the way, Ken, I like your tie. It really brings out the redness of your hair."
Ken looks down at his tie "Thanks, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my hair! Thank you for acting girly and complimenting my fashion choices! I'm gonna go dump Alex and date someone else, like, say, YOU!" Ken runs over and hugs Andy
While rolling his eyes, Anderson drags Ken backstage to pry Ken off of him.
(A/N: I'm not saying that Ken's gay; I'm overly implying it!! And in no way am I saying or overly implying that Anderson is gay, contrary to popular belief on the internet. I will, however, say that he does have some effeminate qualities, like how he compliments everyone on their clothes and has an impeccable fashion sense. Someone noticed that he also started a good 60% of his sentences w/ either a fuck up, "well," or "alright." That gets really annoying. And I'm pretty sure he's used to girls jumping all over him. At the DNC (not that I watched it.... hell no i didn't watch it I ain't a democrat.) He was interviewing this chick that compared a picture of him to a picture of dog, and she really said this: "You're both beautiful creatures." It was FUNNY!!! But, ya gotta admit, he seriously kicks everyone else's asses at CNN in the looks department. Okay, Heidi's kinda-sorta pretty, but hell no, I ain't a gay democratic biatch.)
Samus curled her knees up to her chest, and rocked back and forth, traumatized. "Ken.... so.... smart...."
Fox walked over and hugged her, while Peach scowled at them both.
Popo closed his eyes and let them take him. They put him up high, he sensed, and when he finally allowed himself a peek at his surroundings, all of the cannibals were bowing to him. He smiled, realizing that they thought he was so pudgy b/c he constantly ate people. Long story short, they made him his king and he ruled over them for ever and ever.
Meanwhile, back at Fuckyourmother Lane, the crowd had failed in catching Y'Link on their billionth time throwing him up in the air. All of the hairbrushes spilled out of his disco pocket, and the crowd, eager for one of his hairbrushes, ripped him apart. Bummer.
Samus ended up in a mental hospital and locked Fox in w/ her; they both became crazy and slit their wrists until they died.
Zelda and Roy had sex for so long that Zelda had a heart attack and died.
MGAW and Mario got so depressed that they jumped off the NintendoLand Bridge together.
Link and Marth watched Lou Dobbs and died of boredom.
Mewtwo accidentally shocked Mew and Pikachu to death while having an orgy party w/ them and them hung himself from a Canadian flag.
Ness got stuck in a dishwasher and Jigglypuff turned it on. And he died.
Gannondorf duct taped Bowser to the road and both of them got run over. The driver of the car that hit them was Captain Falcon and they all died.
Master Hand and Crazy Hand ran off to go swimming and drowned.
Yoshi overdosed on heroin and died.
Luigi and Wario had a threesome w/ Daisy and she was so hottt that they died. Then, she castrated them both and tried to eat their dicks but she choked on Wario's fifteen inches and died.
Peach murdered the rest of the smashers that were left b/c of her obvious pent up rage about Mario dumping her, but she missed two.
They looked at each other and began to cry, allowing themselves to finally break down. The only survivors were Jean and Anaxandra, just like all over again...
OK, what an impromptu ending (eyeroll.)
So what's the deal?
NO ONE REVIEWED MY DAMN STORY!! pissed
thanks to those that did, fuck those that didn't.
I'll just put the Epilogue:
A blond girl was watching TV, CNN, to be exact, for lack of anything else better to do.
"Well, earlier this week officials found an abandoned mansion. There are an estimated twenty dead bodies inside, all of whose decomposed remains resemble game characters. Our CNN crews attempted to get close, but seven were snipered with what appeared to be umbrellas. Police are giving no further information as the investigation is ongoing, but we are hoping for further developments. Here to overanalyze this story is a woman going by the name Peach Toadstool. Welcome, miss," Anderson reported.
The blond girl sighed and switched off the TV.
In New York City, Peach smiled and took out her umbrella.