(A/N: This story is an action comedy, meant primarily to entertain. All actions, adventures and dialogue are meant mainly as light amusement and a humorous look on the past, not as a serious explanation or a likely series of events. Explorations of characters are also mainly meant to amuse, and occasionally as mild mockery, not as true insights into minds. Therefore, some may occasionally appear out of character, but this was done only for comedic purposes. Similarly, any anachronisms are there for your smiley times. WARNING: This story contains hints at slash (they're very subtle, though, do not fret), at substance abuse, and various other corrupted practises. But that's to be expected in a story about Death Eaters, n'est- ce pas? So if you are a) a wimp b) someone who believes in morality c) an American Puritan, do not waste your time reading this- besides, I do not want your kind in my audience. To all other little bundles of charm: enjoy. Sincerely, The Duchess.)

Chapter 1: They Do The Rock

It was a damp, pleasantly cool spring morning in the 80s. While in the world's metropoles women were wearing power suits, yuppies went on murdering rampages, and in the top of a tall tower a group of people were being held hostage by an attractive German, a tall, gangly man with lanky black hair lifted the lid off a large cauldron, which hovered simmering over a soft fire, and narrowed his eyes at the pale green content. Humming to himself in a dark voice, he took a large spoon and let it descend gently into the cauldron. The green mass in it was already solidifying, and quickly, too, judging from the fact that, however hard he pulled, he couldn't get the spoon out again. Swearing, he hoped that wood was not going to neutralise the whole thing. He had people to cater to. Or rather, to sell the stuff to.

"Accio spoon!" he said, holding out his hand. The spoon jerked a bit, but couldn't wrestle free. So much for that plan, he thought, as he watched the spoon sink to its untimely demise. Well, I suppose I should be grateful I can borrow Lucius Malfoy's license for buying in bulk. And then, something odd happened. Sparks started to fly from the surface of the potion, and it began to bubble slightly. Quickly, the man grabbed his notebook and quill and scribbled down what had happened. Added: One wooden spoon, submerged, signs of boiling. Or something. It had to be concise, he had to keep an eye on what was happening as he wrote. As it appeared to boil, the liquid seemed to evaporate completely from the substance, and it was crystallising at the edges, into small, half-transparent white grains.

How very odd, he thought, as he stood gaping at it. It was just a wooden spoon, and this happens. After a while, the whole thing had crystallised. It just stood there, half a cauldron full of white crystals. I wonder what it does, he thought, feeling faintly excited at the prospect of inventing an entirely new magical substance. He had never seen anything like it, and as he leafed through volume after volume of rare potions books, he grew more and more certain of the fact that it was indeed something new. He tried to think of someone he might consult on the subject, but the more he thought, the more affirmed he was in the conclusion that he did not know anybody more knowledgeable than himself. At least, no-one who was still alive.

As he slammed his very last book shut, he looked through the small window high in the wall, and saw that the sun was high and red gold. He had spent the whole day doing research. Thinking, he traced his mouth with a finger, deciding that the proper thing to do now was to test it. So he grabbed a jar that had several large spiders in it, used his only other remaining spoon to get some of the grains from the cauldron, and dumped them into the jar as quick as he could, not wishing to have the spoon eaten away. Shutting the jar, he peered at the spiders, but nothing was happening. Yet. Sighing, he put the jar back on the shelf, then levitated the cauldron onto his desk and used a large glass bell to cover it, so none of it could go missing and inflict damage, and then sauntered off for dinner.

The next day, he rushed through dressing himself and breakfast so he could see if anything had happened to the spiders. He practically ran into his laboratory, and grabbed the jar. The spiders were simply sitting there, half covered in white powder, doing apparently normal spidery things. Blast it, he thought, and fired a few spells at the spiders to see if anything had changed, but they were just spiders. Hm. Maybe it had to be ingested to work? It seemed like a plausible notion, so he immediately sent out an elf for some mice and in the meantime integrated some of the powder into a few bits of cheese, which he threw into the cage directly after the mice had arrived. He stood gazing intently at the nibbling mice, sure that something was bound to happen now. And something did. Around ten minutes after the mice had finished the cheese, they started to act quite oddly. They seemed to lose nearly all interest in mousey things like running around and chewing on things and digging holes. They just stood still, staring into space, their black eyes not bright and quick, but dull, or slowly dragging themselves around, bumping into things and each other, or spending ages sniffing their food, before doing what their instincts told them to. All in all, it was very strange behaviour. The man stood next to the cage, eagerly making notes of what was happening. If I didn't know any better, he thought, I'd say they had turned.....stupid. But that's nonsense. When, after a few hours their condition hadn't changed, he walked towards the fireplace, lit a fire, and threw into it a handful of grey powder. "Lucius," he said, "I need a guinea pig."

In the middle of the night, he was awoken by something crashing around in his living room. Cursing angrily (and sleepily) and hoping it was who he thought it was, he slipped on a huge, slightly frayed black dressing gown and stormed down the stairs as fast as his slumbering legs could carry him, to a very unusual sight indeed. A man in long black robes with extremely mussed blond hair was dragging a seemingly unconscious girl into the room, who was quietly garbling nonsense to herself.

"Lucius!" The first man cried, smirking contently, "Not wasted any time, I see."

"Hello Severus," Lucius said, "Give me a hand, will you?" Together, they had to drag the girl down the stairs, into the laboratory, manually, because any spells they used might affect the test results. They put her on the only chair, a large, wobbly office chair, where she lay slumped, her head lolling to one side, her eyes half-open, still ranting to herself. Severus stood leering down at her, his arms folded over his chest.

"Nice work." He said. "Where did you find her?"

"London nightclub." answered Lucius. "Singer of some dreadful muggle band. I pretended to be David Bowie and offered her some free drugs. Since she was half out of her mind anyway, it wasn't very hard to do." He started to carefully smooth down his hair with one hand. "My hair looks awful now, though." Severus snorted amusedly at that remark.

"Well, I hope there isn't too much rubbish in her bloodstream, we need to test this." He gestured towards the cauldron, still on his desk. Lucius bent towards it, studying it closely.

"What is it?" he said. "It doesn't even look familiar."

"Not the faintest idea what it is." Severus replied, walking toward his cage of mice. "I tested it on these mice, and look what happened." Lucius glanced into the cage full of stumbling, glassy eyed mice.

"Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say they were acting rather........stupidly." he said, narrowing his cold grey eyes at the rodents.

"Exactly what I was thinking. Also, it seemed to me that whatever the effect of the substance, it may be different in a human, as well as possibly more easily expressed. Because if it really makes you stupid, which is a ridiculous notion, but if it does, it would be far more noticeable in a person than in a mouse." Lucius nodded in agreement.

"I don't think she's under the influence of anything right now, just slightly confused, and I suppose whatever she's been using for the past time has done considerable brain damage already. She's been with me for the past few hours, and I was keeping an eye on her before that, and she didn't touch anything." He said, walking back to the girl, who had fallen silent. "May be in some emotional shock, though." he added lightly, raising his eyebrows meaningfully at Severus, who grimaced.

"Do you suppose she'll take it herself if I offer it?" Severus opted.

"Probably. She seems rather an illegal substance fiend."

Severus took a spoonful of the stuff from the cauldron, and kneeled before the girl. Lucius grabbed her by the shoulder and gave her a little shake. "Wake up, I've got something for you," he said, loudly.

The girl stirred, said "Woozy snuzzle the cardboard penguins afloatywoaty bing bing...." and her head dropped to the other side. Lucius sighed. Snape laughed softly.

"Don't know how you find these types, Lucius," he said, "but congratulations on your ability for rooting them out." Lucius smirked at him.

"WAKE UP!" he bellowed suddenly. The girl's eyes fluttered open.

"Aaarggh." she said, gazing into the distance unsteadily. "Shut up, David, you're not even real anyway..... and I need a fix."

"Here you go," said Lucius, taking the spoon from Snape and holding it right in front of her. "But don't snort it." he added hastily. "Try licking it up."

"Er, yeah, sure," the girl said, bent down wobblingly, and swept it all into her mouth with her fingers, pulled a face, swallowed, and slumped back into the chair. Lucius and Severus stood staring at her in disbelief.

"I simply refuse to believe anyone could be so....." Severus said.

"Yes...." said Lucius blankly. "I know." There was a long, confused pause, during which neither could quite believe what had just happened. Then Lucius cleared his throat. "Ahem. Say, what do we do now? I don't think she'll be up to anything for a while."

"No, you're right." said Severus, trying to tear his eyes away from the (sleeping? delirious? passed out? dead?) girl, "I suppose we can go back to bed." he said, smiling a very small smile at Lucius.

"Lovely idea," Lucius said, returning his smile, while still attempting to smooth his mussed hair.

"Oh, don't bother." said Severus, grinning, and they left the laboratory together.

(A/N: There we are. That was Chapter 1. I bet you're very curious to know what happens next.... Which is why this chapter is, very handily, followed by Chapter 2, in which things shall be taken further. Further, indeed...... prepare to have all your borders crossed, and every corner of your mind invaded. Thrilling, isn't it? Now go read.)