(A/N : Well, take off all your clothes and prepare for a chapter in which Lucius is molested frequently and comes to a startling conclusion, and Severus is being his brilliant, succulent self. Who-ever said brains and beauty did not go together, was obviously one of the beautiful-but-not-very- bright variety. Anyhow, certain liberties regarding characterisation have again been taken in this chapter, though it does have a few weak attempts at political tension and being – oh, horror- serious. Or, you know, just stupid. Savour the flavour, my dears.)

Chapter 3: Le Jardin Des Délices

Just as he was inspecting a rather interesting array of human fingernails, Severus Snape was interrupted by a loud "Severus!". He looked up, slightly annoyed at being disturbed, and saw Lucius Malfoy making his way through the crowd towards him. He frowned, thinking it might be something important, if Lucius was willing to raise his voice, so he pulled his cloak around him, and joined Lucius in front of an intriguing looking bookshop.

"Hello, Lucius," he said, keeping a fast pace. They walked quickly, so that none of the passers by would be able to hear anything suspicious. Not that any of the passers by would care, presumably. They were a shabby and dodgy lot, and if this street did not have the best shops in England, he supposed neither of them would have been willing to show themselves in such squalid surroundings.

"It's been approved." Lucius said, "Rightly so, of course, it would make all other schemes obsolete, and is the ticket to everything we have been striving for. But, we have to think of a way....." He stopped, gazing in awe at the window display of a rather splendid old-fashioned robes shop. Severus, who had walked on, noticed he was gone, and, sighing, walked back to join him. He looked into the display, trying to see what had captured Lucius' imagination so.

"Do you think I should buy a cane?" Lucius said, looking with glittering eyes at a magnificent ebony cane with a silver handle shaped like a snake's head.

"Only if you want to look like a ponce." Severus replied.

"Oh, come on," Lucius said, frowning at him. "Lots of important people had canes. Like er..... my father."

"Exactly." said Severus raising his eyebrows meaningfully.

"My father was not a ponce!" Lucius protested. He glanced at Severus, who was looking sceptical. "Well, okay.....maybe a bit of a ponce. But only a little bit." He folded his arms across his chest and turned around, still angry. A witch who was wearing at least 3 inches of cosmetics on her face passed by, gazing at him hungrily while licking suggestively at a chocolate frog. "People here are so seedy," Lucius said, looking affronted. "Really, the only reason I come here is that it has the only half-decent shops in England. "

"You know," Severus said, gazing after the witch, "I think it would be a good idea if we showed ourselves more in the more respectable areas. Might make us look less like....well, less suspicious." Lucius thought about this for a few moments, cocking his head to one side.

"I suppose you're right." He said, and then, pulling a disgusted face; "It's ridiculous of course that we cannot show pride of our way of life in public. When you hear what our ancestors could do....... But then...... it's only a matter of time, now." They looked at each other, eyes ablaze with secret, and walked off in the direction of Diagon Alley with their heads held high.

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"I must admit I'm rather glad to be out of there," Lucius said, wiping some grime off his cloak. "It's been deteriorating ever since the 60s. Nearly as bad as muggle London in places."

"Reminds me," said Severus, "How is she? Did you go back to check?" He gave Lucius a cynical look. "And you were never in Knockturn Alley during the 60s."

"I hear things," Lucius responded airily, "And yes, I went back this morning. She was exactly the same as before, and sitting in the same spot I left her. I suppose no-one even noticed she was gone."

"Hhm. What did they say we should do next?"

"Find a way of getting it into......circulation. Which is tricky. Eeuggh!" A child had bumped into Lucius' leg, and had smeared molten chocolate frog and drool all over it. Lucius bent down and pushed the child away. "Watch where you're going, worm." He hissed at it. The child looked at him with very wide eyes, apparently too scared to even cry. Lucius huffed, and they walked on. "Let's go the pub," he said, squashing another stray chocolate frog under his heel.

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They were sitting in the Leaky Cauldron, where they apparently were quite the attraction, considering the way the rest of the crowd looked at them. "You'd think they've never seen the colour black used in clothes before," Severus said, as yet another company of wide-eyed witches and wizards passed their table. Lucius just gave a disdainful snort, as he pointed his wand at his cloak and murmured "Scourcify" in a bored tone of voice.

"Well, it's not as if we ever come here," he said. "Do you think it would be a good idea to put it into the liquor?" Severus thought for a moment, then shook his head.

"No, too many people don't drink or don't drink often enough." he said, shredding the dead flowers that were on the table, "it must be something everyone eats quite regularly." Lucius sighed.

"Tough." He said, looking at the approaching waitress. "A firewhiskey please." he said to her, gazing at something other than her face. She did not notice, however, as she looked from one to the other nervously.

"A...a....and you, sir?" she said to Severus, who started, as he had been lost in thought.

"We'll share," he said to her. She left abruptly, walking away fast. Severus' lips thinned as he watched her go back to the counter. "You know.....I'm beginning to think we have a reputation in these parts." he sneered.

"And justly so." Lucius replied, his cold eyes glinting dangerously. Within a few minutes, the waitress returned. Both wizards gazed at her steadily as she set the goblet down. She managed to murmur some amount of money to Lucius, who tossed her some coins, which she took, her hand trembling slightly, and she practically ran away again. "What a stupid cow." Lucius huffed. "Let me have some." He leant across the table to Severus, who had picked up the huge goblet, and was just about to take a sip, but now tipped it over to Lucius' lips, watching his face disappear behind the swirling fumes.

"There had better not be anyone we know around here...." Severus mumbled, his black eyes narrowing. Lucius emerged from behind the smoke, licking his lips and frowning.

"There won't be." he said, as Severus took the goblet and had a gulp of the burning drink, "But instead they're making me feel like a foreigner. A very exotic one, as well." Indeed, Severus noted as he looked around again that nearly everyone in the pub averted their eyes as his gaze came upon them, a telling sign that they had been looking at them. "Oh well, perhaps we should be grateful we're lighting up otherwise dull lives......" Lucius said, his face contorting into an expression of pure contempt. The effect was somewhat spoilt, however, by a chocolate frog jumping up onto his shoulder and from there to the top of his head. Lucius let out a vexed growl.

"Damned things!" he started, and was about to swipe it off him, but Severus had already pointed his wand at the annoying creature, and said "Bombarda!" The frog exploded into a thousand tiny splatters of chocolate against the wall.

"A waste, really." Severus said disinterestedly. "Though I don't care for the things myself."

"Disgusting." was Lucius' verdict. He was looking at the splatters of chocolate with his nose wrinkled. He tried to wrestle the goblet of Firewhiskey from Severus' fingers. "I need it." He said. "I've been assaulted all day by armies of chocolate frogs." He looked sideways, to see they were once again the centre of attention. "What are you looking at?" he snarled at them.

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They were walking back, faces distinctly flustered, arms entwined. The sky was now overcast, and it was beginning to rain slightly.

"Severus, it's raining." Lucius said, rather unnecessarily.

"I know it is, now stop tugging on my arm like that, we need to get home and you're going to make me stumble." Severus grumbled. They were just passing Honeydukes, when a wizard carrying a large box of something came out of the door, and promptly slipped on the slippery cobbles.

"Oh no!" he yelled, and fell over, dropping the box, which fell apart, causing a flood of chocolate frogs to collide with none other than Lucius Malfoy, who was nearly stomping with rage when he noticed.

"Not again!" he exclaimed, crushing every frog he saw under his feet. "I've had enough of those things! They have it in for me! All of them!"

"They're still in their packaging, Lucius," Severus pointed out.

"I don't care!" Lucius said, turning pink. People in the street had begun to gather the other frogs quickly, before Lucius could step on them.

"Those were my stock, I demand you pay for them before you destroy them!" the wizard who had been carrying the frogs said. Lucius turned around to give a rather disrespectful rebuke, when he felt Severus tug on his shoulder.

"What??!!" he snarled at him.

"I've just had an idea...." Severus said, staring in awe at a chocolate frog he'd just picked up. Lucius looked at him, still panting from his tantrum, trying to figure out what on earth Severus was on about. He looked from Severus, to the chocolate frogs, to Severus, to the chocolate frogs, to Severus, who was making odd hinting movements with his eyebrows, to the chocolate frogs..... Then his eyes lighted up with malice when he realised what Severus was talking about. He threw himself onto his friend and gave him a crushing hug.

"You're brilliant." he sighed contently, picturing blissfully in his mind all the lives they were going to ruin.

(A/N: Now that was what I call intellectual stimulation. Or any kind of stimulation, really. In chapter the next, there shall be a lot less talk and a lot more action. Oh yes, I know what you're thinking, perverted reader, and I like it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have Chardonnay, cheese, and an Evelyn Waugh novel waiting for me, so I am afraid that, however much it grieves me, I shall have to leave the comforting glow of your company now. Yours devotedly, The Duchess.)