Title: Admissions
Author: Battus philenor
Disclaimer: I know this is amazing, but they're still not mine.
A/N: I need to thank ShipperGirl for the little kick in the pants to finish this, and Eva Pires for her quick beta work. Any remaining errors are all mine.
Tucking her hair behind her ears Sara set herself for a confrontation. Standing outside his door looking at the aged sidewalk with its meandering cracks she wondered inanely how long ago it had been poured.
Coming there to start something had been a good idea when she was sitting home stewing, but now that she was poised for the attack her mind was wandering and she only felt tired. Tired of the drama and exhausted from the mental game that had been going on for years between her and Grissom.
His latest transgression was just that; another simple play in the game that was their relationship. The game would continue because this was all they knew how to do. Anything more than that would require them both to realize the previous years had been wasted, skirting around the truth.
Any resolution, regardless of the outcome would require a lengthy peace talk and total honesty from both parties. Not even sure if she was up for that she began an internal debate on whether Grissom was even capable of it.
So she stood before his door having had this sudden revelation regarding their relationship. Teetering between calling the game and continuing for a few more innings; her hand at the ready in a fist above his door, not sure if she should knock or just give up and go back home. Any anger from the day's events long gone, she was left with only a longing for peace.
Suddenly the door opened and the decision seemed made for her as Grissom nearly ran her over. Apparently on his way to the mailbox; the letters in his hand fell and scattered as he stared gape mouthed at her.
Sara stood; hand still raised ready for knocking, feeling totally unprepared for the conversation she had been craving just twenty minutes prior. Dropping her hand she bent down to gather the outgoing mail that was strewn about the well worn sidewalk.
Grissom froze, his feet fixed to that spot, a mix of excitement and dread that she had come to his house after he had once again treated her poorly at work the previous shift. He found himself in a constant quandary around the woman who was now squatting before him picking up his mail.
His attraction to her was like no other, and he had so little control in her presence it was unnerving. When not on guard he would flirt uncontrollably with her; only to realize too late what he was doing. Forced to rein his feelings back in, he watched the light in her eyes burn out again.
It was so hard to pretend he wasn't attracted to and had no feelings for her. He was beginning to doubt the effort he put into that and wondered if it was worth it. It seemed things would be easier all the way around if he just gave in to love.
Love... Letting out a long breath, the realization left Grissom a little lightheaded. He was in love with Sara.
Sara tried to gather her thoughts as she gathered Grissom's mail. Bowed down before him she heard his heavy drawn out sigh; she could almost hear the dismissal in his tone. Staring at the sun bleached cement she watched the cracks begin to blur before her as she felt the unmistakable heat of water pooling in her eyes.
Sick of the emotional roller coaster but helpless to stop it; she bit her cheek trying to stop the tears before they broke the barrier of her eyelids and showed themselves, betraying the depth of pain this man could cause her.
Sara knew she'd made a mistake in coming there, but his transparent disgust was not allowing her to think of a way to extricate herself gracefully from the rapidly deteriorating situation.
With energy draining from her body, Sara's legs gave out, effectively plopping her down on her butt. The mail hit the ground for a second time as a lone fat tear dropped, splashing onto an envelope.
Grissom first thought she'd just lost her balance until he not only saw but heard the tear hit the paper. Looking down he watched the paper absorb the wetness, the ink run making the three in the address he'd written lose its form.
Suddenly very nervous as to the purpose of Sara's visit, he crouched down next to her, putting a hand in the small of her back. Nervousness began to turn to panic as she flinched, jerking her body away from his touch.
"Don't." Came her barley audible plea. "I have to go now."
With his hand poised behind her, his brow crinkled in confusion not sure of what to do with himself. He mirrored her movements, staying inches away from her as she awkwardly climbed to her feet.
The need to tell her of his recent conclusion fought with his urge to understand her tears.
"But wait, why did you come here?"
"It was a mistake Grissom, I have to go now."
"What was a mistake Sara? Just coming here? We didn't talk, you didn't even knock."
"I don't know Grissom. I'm too tired to talk. I really don't think there's anything to say anymore."
Reaching out his arm he risked grabbing her elbow. Stopping her from walking away from him for what he feared would be the last time.
"Please stay. You don't have to say anything Sara, but I have to. I need to tell you something and all you have to do is sit and listen. If you still want to go after that, I won't stop you."
She stilled, savoring the warmth of his fingertips on her skin and contemplating her options. Cursing herself silently for having any hope at all, she couldn't seem to help herself.
Every glance, every accidental touch, every comment from his lips gave her hope. Those things had always given her a hope that he was coming around, waking up and giving in to the attraction they shared.
She turned back towards him, as she'd always seemed to do. Feeling his eyes on her she looked up, as if against her will, into a blue so deep and intense looking at her, seemingly trying to learn everything about her in that instant.
Deciding then that this was in fact the time and place, that what she had initially come there for, was about to happen after all; she let him lead her into his house.
They stood facing each other with only the kitchen counter between them. Sara felt prepared to be totally honest, no matter the consequences. The courage she'd had earlier at her own home was coming back to her now.
Wiping the remnants of any tears from her face, she placed her palms down on the counter. The cool surface helped her focus as well as gave her support to stop any shaking that her hands seemed to want to do on their own.
Tearing her eyes away from her now steady fingers Sara let out a long deep breath before starting the conversation which could be their last.
"This is going to be a conversation Grissom, not just you speaking and me listening and abiding. There are things you need to hear; things I need to say to you."
She paused, standing a little taller having heard her strong and steady voice, needing the counter less than she did a moment ago. Watching the sparkle in his eyes dim as the ever present creases in his face deepened, she continued.
"I will let you ignore me. I will let you show blatant favoritism of everybody over me, I will let you flirt with me only to have you ignore me again for days on end, but I will not let you get out of this conversation without telling me truthfully how you feel about me. I think you owe me that Grissom."
Sara seemed to strengthen, to grow before him as he felt himself become smaller. He could feel his stomach knot as he realized he was probably in for much more. He deserved to be kicked by her for the way he'd treated her.
"You need to know that, Grissom. You need to know that what you say and do, or don't say and do, hurts me. I've tried to steel myself against your behavior, but it's hard. I do have feelings and you've trudged all over them. I have scars."
With his face now pale; the knowledge of just how far he'd brought her down made him physically ill, he sat there knowing he needed to speak but certain that anything he said would be totally inadequate.
"Sara, I know I've hurt you, and I'm sorry. Please know that was never my intention."
"What exactly was your intention then Grissom? Because I've spent an awful lot of time trying to figure that out, and it escapes me. And don't tell me you don't know; I deserve an answer."
"You do deserve an answer, and I have one it's just not a very good one. But it's the truth and you're right, you do deserve that."
Pausing he glanced up at her, seeing her relax a little as she saw he was going to be honest with her. Looking into her eyes and drawing a deep breath, he continued on.
"As stupid as it sounds, I was trying to spare both of us some pain. I was attempting to spare you the heartache of being with a man like me, and myself the total destruction for when you would eventually leave me."
"You really did like me?"
"Like you? Sara, I love you. It's taken me a few years to realize that, but it's true and I now know what to do about it."
With eyes watering she had to grab the counter as her breathe caught and her knees tried to give out on her.
"Sara, I want to try and win you over again. I want a relationship with you. Will you have dinner with me?"
Setting herself firmly, she took a deep breath and managed a level, "No."
With his head tilted, one eyebrow raised in confusion. Having thought they had made some progress, Grissom now felt abruptly tossed back to the beginning of the conversation.
Sara watched his face and couldn't help the small satisfied grin as his mouth opened briefly only to close again. Opening and closing his mouth two more times, still not uttering a word was almost too much for her to bear.
"But, you won't even give me a chance."
"I am giving you a chance Grissom; a chance at winning my trust back. I am not jumping right into dating you. I need to be sure that you can be my friend first. That you can handle working with me and treating me like a person first."
His face brightened with understanding; knowing that he did indeed still have a chance to be with her.
"I can and will Sara. I appreciate you giving me this opportunity. I'll prove to you that I'm worth it; that I want nothing more than to be with you."
"I hope so, Grissom because this is it. I won't do it anymore." There was no rancor in her voice; she made the statement so matter-of-factly that the truth would have been evident to anybody listening, and Grissom hung on every word.
"I love you Sara, and I plan on letting you know that every day. I can do anything as long as I know I have a chance with you."
Leaning across the counter, she gave him the briefest of hugs before breaking contact and heading for the door. Grabbing for the door knob she turned her head giving him a final look.
"I'll see you at work tonight Grissom." Seeing his wide smile she turned back and left, leaving him alone.
Sinking down into the couch cushion he let his head drop, supported by his hands. Letting out a long hard breathe, he thanked God aloud for helping him save the woman who had been on his mind and in his heart for years.
He knew now that he had a chance, he would win her heart again, no matter how long it took. It may have taken him too long to get there, but now that the facts were realized he could not dispute them. He was in love with Sara, and would continue to be.
End
Battus philenor