Authors Note- Wow, I haven't wrote anything for this story in a while... And I am not sure anyone will remember it. But I have a bit of an idea as to where I want to take it. Thanks to everyone who has waited for it.
Summary- Abby left Carter when she was pregnant. He didn't know she was pregnant. She had triplets, who are now five. The triplets managed to get a hold of Carter and now they are all staying with Carter for Christmas.
She sits in silence, complete and utter silence. She has barely said a word since she put the triplets to bed. I'm not sure what I expected. For things to go back to the way they were, maybe. For the bond that we shared, the one we had an equal part in wrecking, to suddenly reappear. For those years we lost to have no impact on what happens here and now. I know it can't be like that. Life is just not like that. I just don't want this.
She stays seated on the couch, staring aimlessly at the muted television. Her fingers play with the hem of her shirt, trying in her own way to dissipate the tension. Standing up I watch her for a second. Captivated for just a second. Remembering how I felt about her all those years ago... Things have changed. She has changed. She looks up quickly, catching my eyes on her. I try to feign innocence, but I'm not quick enough on the up take.
"Uh- I was going to get some coffee... You want some?" She shakes her head yes, a fake smile on her lips.
I didn't expect everything to be this... hard? I should have. I should have known that my kids wouldn't take to me right away. They are children, not animals. They don't have a sniff of your crotch, a lick of your hand and suddenly decide that, 'hey, yah that guys good...' Not how it works. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't have to put on this show for my kids... Try to gain their trust. It's something every parent does. But at birth. Your kids know they can trust you cause you have been there all along. Wiped their tear stained cheeks, bandaged their cuts. Kissed them when they are sad. Tickling them when they are happy... They didn't get that with me. I didn't get the chance to give them that.
I flick the coffee maker on, leaning against the counter, watching it for a few moments. Lost in my thought, when I feel a small tug on my pant leg. Looking down slowly I see a shy face staring up at me, kneeling down I smile at the tiny body.
"Hi." I whisper.
"Hi." Her little fists reach up and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. It falls out in front and she drops her hand down to her side frustrated. I reach over and push it behind her ear for her. "Where's my mommy?"
"She was just in the other room watching television." She looks over her shoulder, my eyes follow hers. No luck. She's not in there. Her bottom lip starts to tremble a bit, at the thought of being in a strange house and not being able to find her mother.
"She's not there. Did she leave?" A look of panic and worry suddenly cross her face. I laugh a little bit grabbing her hand as she swivels around turning her back to me. I grasp her hand and mine and swing her back to facing me.
"She probably went to the washroom, Jordan." She looks at me, tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. "Did you have a bad dream?"
She nods her head. Well I've never dealt with bad dreams and kids before, I don't really remember what my parents did with me when I had bad dreams. Send a nanny in? Probably. A maid even if they were desperate enough. "Come here." I lift her into my arms, her arms clasp around my neck, holding onto me loosely. "Let's go find her, okay?" She nods her head, still a little afraid of me.
Walking out in the living room we both hear the toilet flush, Jordy sighs in relief. The door creeps open and out walks Abby, she sees us standing there, and immediately becomes confused. "Hey, what's going on?" She says look at us.
"Mommy." Jordan jumps out of my arms, and into her mothers out stretched arms. Abby scoops her daughter up, placing a kiss on her cheek.
"Jordy, what are you doing up?" She says walking her back towards the bedroom. I watch... completely out of the equation. I was replaced that quickly. She saw her mother and it was as though I was never there. I never comforted her. I didn't help her find her mother. Realizing that this could be the way it will always be, I sit down on the couch.
What happens when they leave? They aren't going to stay in Chicago, they will eventually go back, and I am left here... All alone. Seeing my kids on a few weekends, and maybe a week or two during the summer. That is not what I want. When I dream of having kids, that wasn't what I thought. That wasn't how it was suppose to be. I was suppose to be married in a house, with a white picket fence. Hell the fence didn't even have to be white. It could be one of those extremely tall fence, to prevent animals from jumping over. My kids were suppose to feel safe around me. This isn't it. I guess life never turns out quite how you want it too.
"Hey... She just had a bad dream." Abby says smiling. She plops down next to me on the couch, sighing defeated.
"Tired?" I ask somewhat numbly. I watch as she leans her head against the back of the couch, her eyes closed. The woman I once loved, is turning into the woman who I now resent. The one who is causing me this pain. She nods her head yes.
"It's hard raising three kids... Especially all by myself." Her voice becomes softer, quieter, her eyes slowly opening. She doesn't see sympathy on my face, like she may from anyone else.
"You made that decision five years ago." I spit bitterly. I stand up, walking out to grab the coffee, from my wailing machine. I feel her on my heels, following me out into the kitchen. Grabbing two cups I slam them onto the counter, and pour the coffee in them.
"It seemed like the only option at the time." I scoff at her lame attempt to justify her behaviour. It wasn't the only option. Talking to me. That was her option. That should have been her only option.
"You could have talked to me." I holler, she looks a little startled at first but prepared to fight back.
"Yeah? How the hell was I suppose to get a hold of you, Carter? You were in Africa. Do you remember that? Do you remember taking off, leaving me for Africa?" I shake my head, I made a few mistakes with her. It's not like she was the innocent one. She made just as many mistakes. We hurt each other equally. I will not be put to blame for everything that went on in the relationship.
"I'm sorry, Abby. Okay? Are you happy? I'm sorry that I left you. I'm sorry I knocked you up, then left you. I'm sorry that my grandmother died. I'm sorry that your brother did a face dive into her grave. I'm sorry I came second to your family. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I couldn't save you from yourself..."
"Oh please. I didn't need saving. I needed someone who would accept me for who, and what I am, and was. You couldn't do that. We both made mistakes-" I stop her before she can finish.
"And you made the biggest one." My voice lowers. "You kept my kids from me, Abby. You took them away from their father. You weren't only hurting me, you were hurting them. How am I suppose to get them to trust me, the way they trust you? To love me the way they love you? To look at me the way they look at you?" I shake my head, unshed tears burning my eyes. "It's simple. I can't. You are perfect. You can do no wrong. They see the way you look at me. The way you feel about me. The anger you still hold against me. They mimic it. My own daughter was afraid to go with me for two seconds... She was afraid of me. I could see it in her eyes." I shake my head, turning around, and dumping the bitter liquid down the sink.
Her hand falls onto my back, I shrug her off. I don't want comfort. I don't want anything from her. Unless she can turn back time, she is no use to me right now. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, a lot of good that does me." I toss the mug into the sink, turning my back on it, and walking out of the kitchen. I listen as it shatters against the wall, and falls into the sink. I walk out to the couch, falling onto it lazily. I hear her in the kitchen, picking up the pieces of the cup, and throwing them into the garbage.
Just like our relationship, this problem seems unfixable.