Authors Note- Hopefully the next chapter will go into a bit more of something, I am not sure whta at the moment... But maybe I will come up with something. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed.
The angry glare of Carter's Grandmother stares at me, as I lay in bed. Shooting me dirty looks for the grave. I pull the comforter tighter around me, protection from this creepy old house. No wonder no one has bought this house. I'm guessing the for sale sign has been on the front lawn... could that thing even be classified as lawn? A football field seems more appropriate. Hell it looks more like seventeen football fields. He told me briefly, before he exploded at me, that he wanted to sell it, or donate it to a charity. Since no one was biting, I'm assuming he'll probably go for the latter.
I can't really blame him for earlier. But I do. I can't help it, I feel anger towards him. We ended our relationship with unsolved issues, now they have followed us, where ever we went. Which might be okay for some break ups, but not when there are kids involved. I know the anger I feel towards him is reflected in my actions, and I know right now, my kids are trying to accept him. How are they suppose to do that if I can't? Simple. They won't. Especially Jared and Dustin. They feel safe with me, they haven't learnt whose trust worthy and whose not, yet. They look to me for guidance on that still, as does Jordan she's just a little more independent. Either way what I'm doing here is not good for my kids, my family... His family, now.
Blowing a lock of hair out of my eyes, I get out of the bed, listening as it creaks against the hard wood. Each piece of wood seems to rattle with the bed. Eerie. I pull myself to a near by window. It's so deserted, not like where I use to live. People littered the streets until the early morning some days. Here it's so protected... So sheltered. Trees lining the fence... it would actually be considered a gate, I would think. I'm not sure how he turned out the way he did. Given how he was raised. Such strict family values. I don't even want to know what his grandmother would say if she could see us now... Well him. A family, three kids with me. I don't think that would be considered acceptable. She didn't like me. I'm not sure why. Maybe he told her more about our relationship, but I doubt it. Or hell maybe she just has a really good reading of women for her grandson. Knowing who is going to bring him up, and who is going to tear him down. Just like I did.
I can't believe I let things get so screwed up... With him... With us... With his kids. I did wreck whatever relationship he could of had with him. I am to blame for everything they hold against him in the future and now. Yet they will go through life blaming him. For not being there when they were little, for leaving... Even though he didn't, its how things appear.
The old house is quiet. Dead quiet. I can't remember where anything is, there must be about a billion rooms in this place, and I can't figure out which one is... There it is. I slowly open the door, and look in the dimly lit room. A night light in the corner being the sole provider of light. I creep in a little more, and perch on the end of Dustin's bed, watching as his chest rises and falls. When I first had them this is what I would do, every night I would come into their rooms and just watch them. Make sure they were real, that they were okay... And they were... They're perfect.
"Abby?" I look over my shoulder, a little shocked. I laugh a bit at Carter's dishevelled appearance. His hair standing up on ends on one side of his head, the other side matted down from the pillow. He moves closer towards me, sitting on Jordan's bed, which is parallel to Dustin's.
"They're beautiful." He sighs, running his fingers through Jordan's unruly curls. She doesn't move a muscle. I nod in agreement, yeah they are. Even more so when they are like this, quiet, peaceful, innocent. During the day they can be little hellions. Of course, they're my little hellions.
"Listen-" I start, he looks up at me, our eyes lock, the dark haze hangs over us, providing a sanctuary, that I enjoy. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you... Everything I didn't do too... I made some mistakes-"
"I don't really want to talk about this." He cuts me off, diverting his gaze back to his sleeping daughter.
"Okay. But I shouldn't have kept them from you." I sigh defeated. It was a mistake I made. A mistake I regret making, it was one I felt I had to make at the time.
"No you shouldn't have." Standing up he makes his way over to Jared's bed. He lays in a ball, curled up by the wall. Carter tucks the blankets closer around his chin, sighing contently.
"How come there is no Christmas tree?" Dustin asks walking into the kitchen. I look over at Carter who is drying off some dishes and piling them into their cupboards.
"Because this isn't where I usually live." He answers looking down at the expectant green eyes.
"Oh." Dustin looks momentarily confused, not sure where to go from there. "Can we go to your house then... Where you usually live. Cause I don't like it here." He responds nonchalantly, walking over the fridge and rummaging through it. I drop my wash cloth and pull him away from the fridge.
"Hey, Hey... Dinner is soon you little monster, go watch television with your brother and sister." I sigh pushing him towards the living room, but he doesn't leave.
"I don't want too." He shuffles over to Carter pulling on his pant leg. John looks down at him confused until Dustin offers out his arms, Carter lifts him up placing him on the counter. The continues with his dish drying. I sigh frustrated, at least this is better than the awkward silences that hung in the air when it was just Carter and I.
"Why aren't you married?" Dustin pries, staring at Carter, his big green eyes watching his every movement.
"Dustin." I warn.
"No, no it's okay." Great. My kids are going to quiz John about his love life. For some reason I don't think we should be answering these questions just yet.
"I haven't found anyone I want to marry." He answers truthfully.
"Oh. Well you should marry mom then." He nods.
"Dustin." I hiss... Carter laughs ignoring me and looking at Dustin. "Why is that, Dustin?" He asks.
"Well, because you have three kids together. People who have kids get married... It's the way it goes. Even I know that." Carter chuckles, knowing full well that that is not the way life works, but five year olds may not have the same understanding.
"Well, kiddo... It doesn't work that way exactly." Dustin looks defeated shaking his head annoyed. "But I can tell you one thing, we have chocolate cake for dessert." Dustin's jaw drop wide open and he smiles brightly.
We finish cleaning the kitchen up from lunch. We neglected doing the dishes and opted for taking the kids to the park instead. So now we are left with piles of dishes and having to make dinner. Dinner is made quite painlessly, while the kids finish up their Christmas movie. The meal goes by with few questions. Having the kids around is easier for us to pretend the argument we had last night never happened.... Well it's easier for me. Carter seems as though he will never forgive me. Forgive me for taking his children... That is about the only thing I am sorry for... There are a few things in our relationship I wish could have been done differently, but you can't change the past. We finish cleaning the dinner dishes while talking to the kids, who still seem about hesitant with accepting Carter. Maybe with the exception of Dustin who seems to act differently around him each time he sees him.
I gather Jordan in my arms and bring her into the bedroom, while Carter coaxes the boys into brushing their teeth.
"Mommy," she yawns tiredly. "Why do you hate Dr. Carter?" I give her a kiss on the nose, tucking the covers around her, proceeding to take a seat on the bed.
"I don't hate him." I sigh, "we are friends, you know that." She nods, her big brown eyes bearing into my soul. She sees that there is something between her father and I that is not right.
"No you're not. You don't want to be around him. He doesn't like you either." She watches my reaction... "Is that because of us?" Her voice softens, tears welling up in her eyes.
"No sweetie. God no." I sigh, pulling her into my arms. "Nothing, you hear me, nothing going on between your dad and I is because of you? Okay... He loves you... I love you. I made a mistake, I should have let your daddy meet you when you were babies..." I trail off thinking that maybe this a conversation for another time... in oh twenty years or so.
"Why didn't you then?" I look at her puzzled for a second before slowly understanding what she is asking. I was scared. I was angry. I hated him. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought it would be easier. None of those answers are appropriate for a five year old to hear about a man she is trying to trust. So I go for the soothe her hair down, and a kiss on the forehead routine.
"Maybe another time we can talk about this, okay sweetheart?" She rolls her eyes at me, before flipping her body in the direction of the wall. Great.
"Talk about what?" Jared says bounding into the room, his brother and father in tow. He jumps onto his neatly made bed, which is in the far corner of the gigantic room. It's not very warm, actually kind of creepy if you ask me. The beds are old looking, and the walls are painted a bland white, with a picture of John and his brother hanging on the wall. There are few of those around this place. We have to keep the lights on before the kids go to sleep, just so they don't get to freaked out.
"Nothing baby, get into bed." Carter looks at me curiously, but I just brush it off.