Title: Dreaming of Reality II

Rating: PG

Pairing: None

Category: Angst

Summary: Bosco and Mikey after Mikey's death

Disclaimer: Through season five

"Mikey?"

I turn around to find myself face-to-face with my little brother. I was stunned...beyond stunned. I don't think there was a word for what I was feeling as I found myself eye-to-eye with Mikey. My mind flashed back to the one image that refused to leave my mind...the last time I saw him...the horrifying image of his body...

Blinking I fought off the images, shaking my head in an attempt to return to some sense of reality. I reopened my eyes to see his face...more than that...more than just his face. In fact he's just Mikey...the same as I remember seeing so many times before.

"What?" he said, his arms out to his sides, a mischievous grin etched on his face. "You look like you seen a ghost."

I had to laugh at his attempt at humor. It reminded me of myself and all the times I did that same thing to him. After a fight between ma and pop....after they were done yelling, calling each other every name in the book, I'd always say something to try to get him to laugh....to break the tension. Truth is I did it for me too. Making Mikey laugh would always make me feel better too.

"For the record, you were the best big brother a guy could ever want."

"You reading minds now Mikey?"

"What? You don't think I can read you as well as you think you could read me all those times?"

I was still in shock. Standing there not saying a word was kinda proof of that.

"Listen Mo," he said watching a half sad/half happy grin come across my face. It was the combination of hearing his voice...hearing someone call me by that name...Mo...Mikey's name for me.

"I never thought I'd hear you call me that again," I say, confessed my thoughts. It wasn't an easy thing for me to do, especially with Mikey but right then he had me at a disadvantage.

"I know," he said, somewhat solemn. His face reflected what I was feeling. "I never thought I'd get to call you that again. Guess we're both wrong eh?"

"Mikey, I'm sorry. I..."

"For what? For being who you are? For being honest with me 'bout things? For telling me how it was?"

"I should of tried harder to convince you that..."

"You told me the truth 'bout how things were going to go if I started naming people. You were right. I didn't wanna see it. I just wanted outta that place...you know...I didn't wanna face any time in the big house. So I didn't listen just like I didn't listen to you all those other times. This time, I paid the price."

"You didn't deserve to die Mikey...not like that."

"Nobody deserved to die like that...truth is, I didn't feel anything. You gotta believe me on that. I know that doesn't make sense but I didn't. I mean I knew what was gonna happen. It was kinda obvious. I was sitting there, tied up like that and all I could think of was you...and ma."

I closed my eyes, thinking somehow this was going to erase the images of what Mikey musta went through...those last moments of his life...knowing they were the last moments. It's kinda a relief that he was thinking about ma and me. It's hard to listen to this but a part of me needs to know. I need to know that my little brother didn't suffer. I'm trying to sort it all out when something strikes me...ma and me...he was thinkin' about ma and me.

"What about pop?"

"What about him?" Mikey says, just like that. A far cry from the guy who found a way to forgive dad for every stupid, sick thing he did to us.

"No dear old dad stories running through your mind?"

"Nope. I didn't realize it 'til later but no, not one thought about pop. All the images....you and ma. Think that means something?"

I raised an eyebrow, not saying a word. I was hearing a lot of stuff that amazed me. I mean there I was talking to my little brother just as we'd done so many times before....before he'd been killed.

"Guess now I know why right?" he added.

"Why what?"

"One of the reasons why I didn't think about pop at that moment," Mikey paused, making sure I was looking right at him. "You coulda told me."

"Told you 'bout what?"

"The reward money," he blurted out, surprising me.

"You know about that?"

"Yeah, I found out. I know...you playing the big brother role again huh?"

"Yeah...maybe. I don't know Mikey. I mean I didn't figure it was my place to tell you something like that. Look at the past Mikey...at everything dad's done....to you...to me...to ma. None of that mattered. No matter what he did, he forgave him for it...acted like nothing ever happened. Why would this be any different? You'd just look the other way. Me, I couldn't do that...sometimes maybe I wish I could have but I couldn't...still can't. This time, it was more than that you know...turning you in was one thing Mikey but to do it for the money? Truth is I don't know how I could have done it...how do you tell somebody something like that?"

"So is that it? Is that really why you didn't tell me?"

"Yeah Mikey...that's really why I didn't tell you."

He paused for a few minutes thinking about what I'd said...taking it all in before asking his next question.

"So how you doin'?"

"I'm doin' all right...considering."

"Considering you saw me?"

'Yeah' I said only to myself. My head was nodding yes even if I couldn't get the words out. Memories of that day flooded my mind. I attempted to shake them off. My attempts were unsuccessful.

I can't explain the feeling that came over me as Mikey reached out, touching my arm. It sent chills through me. I stood there, just staring at him as memories filled my head.

I remembered when he was learning how to walk...probably one of my earliest memories of him. Mikey wasn't like other kids. He didn't crawl over to a table or a chair. Mikey reached out for me. He'd grab my arm pulling himself up, sometimes almost pulling me down with him. Then he'd hold onto me. I'd take a few steps backwards pulling him along with me. Eventually he'd get to his feet without me. Instead of pulling him along with me, I'd walked behind him with my arms at his sides. At first he'd hold on for dear life. Eventually he'd get brave and let go, walking on his own.

He was running by the time I started school. He and ma had walked me to the door. Ma waved as she backed away, allowing me the space to be on my own while Mikey stood there on the sidewalk, staring after me as the door closed between us. I saw him through the window, his hand still waving at me. I'd waved back one final time before turning to take a seat. I remember that I'd return the favor on his first day of school, waving him on as the door closed between us.

I remember the day ma pulled me out of school to tell me dad wouldn't be living with us anymore. I'd been there when she explained it to Mikey. I'd been brave, hiding my tears until I was alone after Mikey had cried himself to sleep. I'd promised him that I'd never leave him like dad left us. Mikey had been too young to fully understand what was going on and how our lives would be forever changed. We'd all been too young...even ma.

I'd broken that promise when I graduated from high school, enlisting in the military. Unlike my first day of school, Mikey hadn't been there the day I left. There was no wave from my little brother...no indication that he'd miss me...that he needed his big brother. In my own mind, I knew differently. Mikey still needed me just as much as I still needed him.

When I returned home and left for the police academy, I'd seen the worry in ma's eyes. I'd seen it again the first time she'd see me in uniform. I'd seen that same look more times that I wanted to remember and so many times that I'd never forget. By then Mikey was gone...living his own life...making his own mistakes...and doing so all on his own without me.

The day I arrested him had been a day of emotions. I'd been upset...upset that he'd deal drugs was one thing and doing so in my precinct was another matter all together. I'd been hurt...I'd expected more from him. I knew he was better than that. Maybe I'd expected too much of him. Beyond all that, I still loved him...maybe more that day than any before. It was that day that I learned a new meaning of pain. It didn't have to come by way of a hand. It came in the form of a look when Mikey's eyes met mine. And it came in my mother's eyes after she bailed Mikey out. The disappointment she felt for me.

And when he was arrested the last time, I'd been angry again: angry at Mikey for being so stupid and angry at my father for what he'd done to us all. I'd tried to talk to Mikey, to tell him that what he was doing was going to make things worse...that his life would never be the same. I was right. All my life I'd wanted nothing more than to make ma proud of me and to take care of my little brother. That's all I ever wanted. But now Mikey was dead and ma was inconsolable. I'd failed at both.

I can't imagine how many times Mikey'd called out my name before I opened my eyes to see him before me. I knew it was him 'cause I knew his voice, not 'cause I could see him cause I couldn't...at least not clearly. I'd tried to hold back the tears...I'd tried to be strong...I tried to hide my own feelings until I was alone.

When Mikey reached out, touching my arm, I felt chills. I slowly shook my head, taking short deep breaths in an attempt to regain my composure. It was no use. I collapsed into Mikey's arms as the two of us slid to the floor sobbing together.

"Oh God....Mikey...no....no..." I cried out, my entire body trembling.

We sat there holding one another for the longest time. I didn't want to let go. I knew if I did everything would go back to the way it was. Mikey'd be gone...I'd never hear his voice again....I'd never see him again...I'd never hear him call me 'Mo' again. I'd never be his big brother again.

For the first time, Mikey listened to my fears...that I'd lost him...I'd lost my little brother and I'd never get him back...all the time we'd spent apart...all the time we'd wasted not talking to one another...we'd never get that second chance.

Mikey attempted to brush it off.

"That's not true Mo...you know you could never get rid of me...we're brothers...we'll always be brothers....just like you promised. Only now it's my turn to make that promise. We'll always be together Mo...always...you hear me? Always..."

I nodded my head in agreement. Mikey had sounded stronger...more determined than ever before. I couldn't argue with him on this. I needed for him to be right this time. I needed to know that me and Mikey, we'd be together...somehow we'd always be together.

"I won't see you again after today will I?"

"Maybe...I mean you never know. But I promise you something else. Even if you can't 'see' me, I'll be there....you'll know I'm there."

Had I seen that look in his eyes twenty-five years ago, I'd have sworn he was up to something. Seeing it that day, I didn't have any basis to take it for anything but the truth. I had to believe it. I didn't have anything else to hold onto.

Mikey and I never said good-bye. We never waved to one another. There was no real ending to what happened. The next thing I remember was opening my eyes to see a room of doctors standing over me.

Before long I was taken to a room. I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think about was what'd happened with Mikey. I didn't try to explain it to anyone. Who'd believe me? I mean it was bad enough being stuck in a hospital overnight without them transferring me to the psyche ward for evaluation.

At some point I musta dozed off 'cause the next thing I remember was waking up to find Faith sitting in a chair.

"Hey...you're awake?" she said as she put down the magazine she was reading and pulled her chair over to the bed.

"We talked for awhile. Technically visiting hours were over but they'd bent the rules as long as Faith didn't stay long.

Before she left, she was putting her chair back when she noticed something orange lying on the floor. She frowned as she looked at one side, then the other.

"What is it?" I asked, more curious by her expression than anything.

"Beats me but I think it's a game piece from what's that game....Monopoly..."

"Orange...that's a chance card," I recalled for no apparent reason. "What's on the other side?"

She handed to me while shrugging her shoulders.

I took it from her, glancing at the other side.

"Get out of jail free."

Mikey had kept his promise. He would always be with me and he'd proven that as only Mikey could...