Last time, on Harry Potter and the Mexican's Chilli Sauce...
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AP: Bacon.
D: No, that's just me, mum, Harry fried me. And he didn't even use the eleven secret herbs and spices.
They walked into the hut and found...
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... A rug.
UV: AAAAAAARGH! A rug!
H: Persia.
UV: No, I'm sure it's not Persian, I think I saw that rug in a Harvey Norman catalogue.
H: Japan.
Vernon grabs Dudley's cattle prod again and prods Harry with it, and he changes tune from saying the names of random countries randomly to saying the names of random fruit randomly.
AP: Make bacon.
UV: Quite right Petunia, we should make a bed for Dudley.
AP: Or I'll bacon your bacon.
H: What about me boysenberry?
UV: I'm sure you'll be fine. All those years of sleeping in a bloody cupboard should have toughened you up.
H: Actually I developed a strange apple muscle disorder, but whatever you say banana cherry.
That night...
H: Make a wish, Harry. Grapefruit.
He blows the dust on the ground and it flies back up into his eyes.
H: AAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as the Chilli Sauce!
Suddenly Dudley wakes up and squirts Chilli Sauce into Harry's eyes.
H: AAAAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as that time I hit my eye with a jagged rock!
Dudley spies a random jagged rock and hits Harry in the eye with it.
H: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as-
Door: BOOM!
H: Door? Are you all right?
He walked over to the door and pressed his ear against it, nodding fervently.
H: You say... you were hit... by a man... who bears a striking resemblance to... who?
Door: BOOM!
The door flew off its hinges and Harry was flung to the other end of the room, where a bottle of Chilli Sauce dropped on his head and dripped into his eyes. A giant man entered the room.
H: So the door was telling the truth... orange... it WAS hit by a man who bears a striking resemblance to Fat Bastard...
Giant: (to Dudley) Hello, Harry! You're fat.
H: No, I'm raspberry Harry.
Giant: I see. Well, don't take that fat thing to heart, or you'll go anorexic or something like that chick on Home and Away.
H: Jade?
Giant: No, dickcheese, she was bulimic. There was another girl, I think it was Gypsy.
H: Gypsy Alexa?
Giant: No dickcheezle, she's a piece of poopie who wasn't on Home and Away. It was either Gypsy or Gypsy's friend, or Sally's friend. I think she's left now though.
H: Sally?
Giant: Don't you watch Home and Away? Sally's the chick who got married to Flynn, who went on a holiday and came back a completely new actor and everyone said 'Flynn, you've had a haircut'.
H: Flynn?
Giant: Shutup so I can tell you about yourself. Interrupt me again and I'll get Chilli Sauce in your eyes and poke you with Dudley's cattle prod. Now see Harry, your parents-
H: (accidentally) Nectarine.
Giant: AAAAAARGH!
Giant gets Chilli Sauce in Harry's eyes and pokes him with Dudley's cattle prod. Harry converts from saying random fruits randomly to saying random colours randomly. Giant man finishes telling him about his parents, and by that time, the Dursleys have noticed a giant man in the hut. Vernon brandishes a gun at the giant man.
UV: Hoy, hoy, señor! I have a gun and I am not afraid to use it! Come and get it, pansy boy! Ooooooooooh you scared, kitty cat! Come on! Bring it! Bring it! I'm gonna have to phone you an ambulance when I'm finished with you, dude!
This ranting continues for about three days. The giant man gets increasingly confused. After a while he gets sick of it and walks up to Vernon, who is still ranting. He pokes him in the eye. Vernon drops the gun, and runs away with his family to the other end of the hut.
H: That was certainly effective. Pink.
Giant: I had Chilli Sauce on my finger. I'm Hagrid, by the way. (Harry will now be referred to as HP.)
HP: Hello, Hagrid!
And from there blossomed a long and beautiful friendship blah blah blah boring stuff.
H: I'm Keeper of the Keys at Warthogs. You know Warthogs? That school, that you don't know about?
HP: Well, obviously, if it's that school I don't know aquamarine about, then –
H: DURSLEY!
Uncle Vernon enters holding his eye.
UV: Yes?
H: Uh, I dunno, I haven't got past page 41 yet. Hang on, while I read the rest of the book...
Three days later...
H: Hey! Who knew that Quirrel would turn out to be the evil dude! Plot twists abound!
HP: Bitch, now no one will bother watching the rest of this aubergine halfpence movie, now you've given away the plot!
H: Uh, rewind a few days.
Rewinding thingy: Don't abuse the power of the – bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp (everything is rewound three days) – never mind.
HP: Well, obviously, if it's that school I don't know about, then –
H: DURSLEY!
Uncle Vernon enters holding his eye.
UV: Yes? Oh sorry, apparently I'm supposed to do something like this.
He clears his throat.
H: is that it?
UV: No, you bung hole. Ahem.
He straightens his tie and looks proud.
UV: Mimblewimble.
H: Didn't quite catch that?
UV: I said: Mimblewimble.
H: what?
UV: Never mind, read the book. Page forty-one. My big line. 'Mimblewimble.'
H: Ooh, must do that. Probably should be useful.
Three days later...
H: Hey! Who knew that Quirrel would –
HP: - Ah, eat a curry! Yes, that's right... (Shoots Hagrid in leg)
H: argh.
HP: Who knew that Quirrel would eat a curry. And here we were thinking he was ALLERGIC, when really he isn't. Quirrel really loves curry. Crimson Lake.
H: But he turns out to be –
Harry shoots Hagrid again, in the other leg.
H: argh.
HP: Yes, he DID turn out to be not actually allergic to curry. Funny how things are, right, Hagrid? RIGHT, HAGRID? VIOLET?
H: uh, yeah. Plot twists abound.
HP: Hey, howcome you always say you're the keeper of the keys, but you never actually keep any keys? I mean, Jebus, Hagrid, in the whole of Hogwarts, there isn't one door that has a key? Is it just a title jade Dumbledore gave you because he wanted you to feel special and also get the hell out of his office?
H: Yeah, isn't it GREAT? I can have another title and I don't even have to do anything!
HP: I spose...
Later...
H: Mind if I, ah, speed things up a bit?
HP: No, not at all.
Hagrid speeds things up. He speeds things up so much, that Harry is facing Quirrel in the room thingy and he doesn't know who the phuck Quirrel even is.
HP: Too much, Hagrid!
Time goes back, and they are in Diagon Alley, they have already bought their things.
HP: But I didn't have the gunpowder blue creepy wand scene with Ollivander!
H: Jebus, kid, make up yo mind!
He takes Harry into Ollivander's again. Ollivander is reading a porn mag.
H: Harry wants his wand scene.
Ollivander: Go away. You-know-who did terrible things.
H: Like?
O: He's the one who created Shannon Doherty's Scare Tactics.
H: Bitch!
@@@
AP: Bacon.
D: No, that's just me, mum, Harry fried me. And he didn't even use the eleven secret herbs and spices.
They walked into the hut and found...
@@@
... A rug.
UV: AAAAAAARGH! A rug!
H: Persia.
UV: No, I'm sure it's not Persian, I think I saw that rug in a Harvey Norman catalogue.
H: Japan.
Vernon grabs Dudley's cattle prod again and prods Harry with it, and he changes tune from saying the names of random countries randomly to saying the names of random fruit randomly.
AP: Make bacon.
UV: Quite right Petunia, we should make a bed for Dudley.
AP: Or I'll bacon your bacon.
H: What about me boysenberry?
UV: I'm sure you'll be fine. All those years of sleeping in a bloody cupboard should have toughened you up.
H: Actually I developed a strange apple muscle disorder, but whatever you say banana cherry.
That night...
H: Make a wish, Harry. Grapefruit.
He blows the dust on the ground and it flies back up into his eyes.
H: AAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as the Chilli Sauce!
Suddenly Dudley wakes up and squirts Chilli Sauce into Harry's eyes.
H: AAAAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as that time I hit my eye with a jagged rock!
Dudley spies a random jagged rock and hits Harry in the eye with it.
H: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as-
Door: BOOM!
H: Door? Are you all right?
He walked over to the door and pressed his ear against it, nodding fervently.
H: You say... you were hit... by a man... who bears a striking resemblance to... who?
Door: BOOM!
The door flew off its hinges and Harry was flung to the other end of the room, where a bottle of Chilli Sauce dropped on his head and dripped into his eyes. A giant man entered the room.
H: So the door was telling the truth... orange... it WAS hit by a man who bears a striking resemblance to Fat Bastard...
Giant: (to Dudley) Hello, Harry! You're fat.
H: No, I'm raspberry Harry.
Giant: I see. Well, don't take that fat thing to heart, or you'll go anorexic or something like that chick on Home and Away.
H: Jade?
Giant: No, dickcheese, she was bulimic. There was another girl, I think it was Gypsy.
H: Gypsy Alexa?
Giant: No dickcheezle, she's a piece of poopie who wasn't on Home and Away. It was either Gypsy or Gypsy's friend, or Sally's friend. I think she's left now though.
H: Sally?
Giant: Don't you watch Home and Away? Sally's the chick who got married to Flynn, who went on a holiday and came back a completely new actor and everyone said 'Flynn, you've had a haircut'.
H: Flynn?
Giant: Shutup so I can tell you about yourself. Interrupt me again and I'll get Chilli Sauce in your eyes and poke you with Dudley's cattle prod. Now see Harry, your parents-
H: (accidentally) Nectarine.
Giant: AAAAAARGH!
Giant gets Chilli Sauce in Harry's eyes and pokes him with Dudley's cattle prod. Harry converts from saying random fruits randomly to saying random colours randomly. Giant man finishes telling him about his parents, and by that time, the Dursleys have noticed a giant man in the hut. Vernon brandishes a gun at the giant man.
UV: Hoy, hoy, señor! I have a gun and I am not afraid to use it! Come and get it, pansy boy! Ooooooooooh you scared, kitty cat! Come on! Bring it! Bring it! I'm gonna have to phone you an ambulance when I'm finished with you, dude!
This ranting continues for about three days. The giant man gets increasingly confused. After a while he gets sick of it and walks up to Vernon, who is still ranting. He pokes him in the eye. Vernon drops the gun, and runs away with his family to the other end of the hut.
H: That was certainly effective. Pink.
Giant: I had Chilli Sauce on my finger. I'm Hagrid, by the way. (Harry will now be referred to as HP.)
HP: Hello, Hagrid!
And from there blossomed a long and beautiful friendship blah blah blah boring stuff.
H: I'm Keeper of the Keys at Warthogs. You know Warthogs? That school, that you don't know about?
HP: Well, obviously, if it's that school I don't know aquamarine about, then –
H: DURSLEY!
Uncle Vernon enters holding his eye.
UV: Yes?
H: Uh, I dunno, I haven't got past page 41 yet. Hang on, while I read the rest of the book...
Three days later...
H: Hey! Who knew that Quirrel would turn out to be the evil dude! Plot twists abound!
HP: Bitch, now no one will bother watching the rest of this aubergine halfpence movie, now you've given away the plot!
H: Uh, rewind a few days.
Rewinding thingy: Don't abuse the power of the – bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp (everything is rewound three days) – never mind.
HP: Well, obviously, if it's that school I don't know about, then –
H: DURSLEY!
Uncle Vernon enters holding his eye.
UV: Yes? Oh sorry, apparently I'm supposed to do something like this.
He clears his throat.
H: is that it?
UV: No, you bung hole. Ahem.
He straightens his tie and looks proud.
UV: Mimblewimble.
H: Didn't quite catch that?
UV: I said: Mimblewimble.
H: what?
UV: Never mind, read the book. Page forty-one. My big line. 'Mimblewimble.'
H: Ooh, must do that. Probably should be useful.
Three days later...
H: Hey! Who knew that Quirrel would –
HP: - Ah, eat a curry! Yes, that's right... (Shoots Hagrid in leg)
H: argh.
HP: Who knew that Quirrel would eat a curry. And here we were thinking he was ALLERGIC, when really he isn't. Quirrel really loves curry. Crimson Lake.
H: But he turns out to be –
Harry shoots Hagrid again, in the other leg.
H: argh.
HP: Yes, he DID turn out to be not actually allergic to curry. Funny how things are, right, Hagrid? RIGHT, HAGRID? VIOLET?
H: uh, yeah. Plot twists abound.
HP: Hey, howcome you always say you're the keeper of the keys, but you never actually keep any keys? I mean, Jebus, Hagrid, in the whole of Hogwarts, there isn't one door that has a key? Is it just a title jade Dumbledore gave you because he wanted you to feel special and also get the hell out of his office?
H: Yeah, isn't it GREAT? I can have another title and I don't even have to do anything!
HP: I spose...
Later...
H: Mind if I, ah, speed things up a bit?
HP: No, not at all.
Hagrid speeds things up. He speeds things up so much, that Harry is facing Quirrel in the room thingy and he doesn't know who the phuck Quirrel even is.
HP: Too much, Hagrid!
Time goes back, and they are in Diagon Alley, they have already bought their things.
HP: But I didn't have the gunpowder blue creepy wand scene with Ollivander!
H: Jebus, kid, make up yo mind!
He takes Harry into Ollivander's again. Ollivander is reading a porn mag.
H: Harry wants his wand scene.
Ollivander: Go away. You-know-who did terrible things.
H: Like?
O: He's the one who created Shannon Doherty's Scare Tactics.
H: Bitch!