The Dreams We Carry 2
As CJ hung up the phone, she knew sleep wasn't likely to come. She stepped outside and started walking, catching glimpses of Secret Service agents along the paths.
Simon.
She felt a sob forming in her throat, and fought it down. She whispered his name with a mixture that was equal parts longing and apprehension.
"Are we starting an insomniacs' club?" came a dry voice behind her. She jumped, but managed to stifle the scream that almost escaped her. While Toby's sneaking up behind her was annoying, to say the least, it didn't merit bringing on an army of Secret Service agents, undoubtedly with guns drawn.
Though maybe he deserved it.
"I should have you shot, asshole. You scared the hell out of me!"
"Ask Simon. Maybe he'll do it," Toby smirked.
The sentence had an unexpected effect on CJ. She turned around and fought for control, as her long-time friend watched with concern.
"CJ? Is everything OK?"
She shook her head, and then nodded. "Yeah, fine."
"Liar."
She sighed. "Toby, don't you have a pregnant ex-wife to harass or something?"
"Well, she kicked me out of her cabin, so I thought I'd settle for second-best."
"Thanks," CJ said dryly.
"You're welcome. Wanna talk about it?"
She stood silently for a long time, looking into the distance. Finally, she whispered, "I had a surreal conversation with Simon tonight."
"How was it surreal?" Toby was surprised. Simon Donovan was many things, but somehow surreal didn't seem to be one of them. He liked the man a lot, and was ever so grateful for the fact that his best friend finally found someone she deserved. He loved seeing CJ's happiness these past five months, and hoped to see it continue. Preferably for the rest of her life.
CJ recounted her conversation with Simon. Toby listened intently, and when she was done, he looked at her quizzically.
"I'm still waiting for the surreal part."
CJ sputtered, tried to speak, but Toby has had enough. He raised his hand to silence her and scowled.
"CJ, a guy shares his soul with you, tells you of a dream he's carried most of his adult life, then proceeds to tell you he is more than happy to trade in this dream for a lifetime with you." Toby stopped, his brow furrowed, and then announced, "Yeah, OK, now I see the surreal part. He actually wants to spend his life with you."
"Toby!" CJ screamed indignantly, immediately regretting it.
"Everything OK, Ms. Cregg?" Can these people actually materialize out of thin air? She wondered, as the young agent appeared by her side.
"Yes, thank you. Sorry about that," she mumbled, cheeks flushed. She glared at Toby as the agent nodded and walked away.
"I should have asked him to shoot you."
"You'll have to take a number," Toby snorted.
They looked at each other in silence, and Toby smiled softly, then wrapped a brotherly arm around his friend's shoulders.
"CJ, you know him better than I do, but do you have any reason to believe Simon was less than completely honest with you tonight?"
"No," she said miserably, "that's not the point, Toby."
"What, then, is the point, exactly?"
"He wants a baby, Toby."
"He wants you more. Isn't that what he said? He loves you enough to let go of a dream so that the two of you can be happy together. Why are you so hung up on this?"
Toby groaned. "At the rate you're going, you won't give him a chance to resent you, Claudia Jean. You'll just bolt on the off chance that twenty years down the road, he'll look at you wrong at his grand-niece's graduation!"
CJ shook her head. "You're having TWINS with your EX-WIFE. Can you honestly tell me…"
"Leave me and Andi out of this. I wish to God we had half as good a relationship as you have with Simon. Why you're willing to throw it all away because he was honest with you absolutely defies…understanding," he finished with a sigh. "CJ, you're smart, beautiful, strong and funny. He's got the same annoying sense of humor you and I share, and he can match your one-liners without missing a beat. You finally have someone who is comfortable with who you are, and asks nothing more or expects nothing less. It's you he fell in love with, not a potential mother for his potential child. Instead of worrying about what might happen down the road, why not make sure you hold on to what you have now?"
"He carries this pain around…"
"We all carry something around. What's the real issue here, CJ?"
"I don't know who I am, Toby," she whispered.
"In what way?" he asked softly.
She shook her head, unable to put her inner-most feelings into words, or even coherent thoughts. She felt an inner turmoil that kept coming up even before Simon, and she kept pushing it down and pretending it wasn't there. Suddenly, her conflicts and insecurities were thrown into the light, and she wanted to hide them again. Let them lie in the darkest recess of her soul. She found it easier to blame her anguish on Simon than to acknowledge, to herself or anyone else, that there was a part of CJ Cregg that longed to be something other than the career woman always in control. Quietly, she kissed Toby's cheek and whispered a fervent "Thank You." Then she walked back down the path and disappeared into her cabin.