When CJ came back to her apartment, Simon was already there, cooking dinner. For the moment, all of her anxieties were forgotten as he folded her in his arms and their lips met in a long, loving kiss.
"Mmmm…." Simon mumbled against her lips when they broke for air, "feels like I found water in a desert."
CJ smiled and ran her fingers through his hair, marveling at how good it felt to be home again, knowing the only thing that made this place a home was the man in her arms.
"If we ever have to be away from each other for so long again, one of us should quit their job," she groaned, squeezing his middle and resting her head on his chest.
"No argument here," Simon smiled. "Hungry?"
Her eyes teased him. "Not for food, I'm not."
He grinned, turned off the stove, and took her to the bedroom. "It's good to have you home, my friend," he said quietly,
Much later, as they were cuddling together, happy and satisfied, CJ was still trying to drive away the nagging thought that popped into her head as they were making love. There was a part of her that wished the pill would fail her.
"I'm losing my mind," she decided.
"What's that?"
CJ started. She didn't realize she spoke out loud, and the last thing she wanted was to have THAT particular discussion right now. She shook her head and kissed him, hoping he won't press the issue. Somehow, Simon always seemed to know when to ask questions and when to keep quiet. He didn't disappoint her now. Returning her kiss, he smiled regretfully and said, "We should either eat or just hit the sack. Neither of our schedules is very forgiving tomorrow."
CJ groaned. "I hate that you're responsible."
"Coming from the queen of 'I can't possibly leave the office before midnight today' I'd say that was a bit of misplaced anger there, lady."
She giggled, and buried herself under the covers. It felt good to be home and cherished. If only these unwanted thoughts would go away…At least, she thought, if I'm really lucky, Simon would never bring up our phone conversation again, and I can go on living the life I'm happy with.
But as she fell asleep, a little voice inside her head was screaming "Fraud!"
"Are you feeling any better?" Simon asked gently the next morning. They were having breakfast, both happy and relaxed, for the moment.
CJ blinked. "Was I not feeling well?"
Simon chuckled. "I mean about the phone conversation we had a few days ago. I didn't want to bring it up last night, I hoped actions would speak louder, and all that…But if you want to talk about it…"
"I'm fine," CJ cut him off, a little too quickly, a little too forcefully. "I was just…tired…I missed you. I'm fine."
Silently, she resolved to visit a certain Maryland Representative.
"The home-wrecker!" Andrea Wyatt laughed as CJ was ushered into her office. As the two women hugged, Andi smirked. "Do you know some people in this town are still perpetuating this myth about you and my marriage?"
CJ snorted. "If only my life were half as interesting as what some people in this town make it out to be." Her eyes fell on Andi's desk. "Is that one of your famous pies?"
CJ shared Toby's love of Andi's pies. Andi grinned, and waved a fork tantalizingly.
"Want some?"
"Do I ever!"
"Tell me you're not here on Toby's behalf and I'll give you a piece."
CJ laughed. "I'm most definitely not here on his behalf!"
Andi chuckled and cut a piece for CJ.
"Why are you here? I figured Toby would recruit you but you said that wasn't the case."
"No, though I have to admit that as Press Secretary, my life would be much easier if I could announce a wedding when the story breaks." As Andi started to reply CJ held up her hand. "But I'm not here as the Press Secretary. I'm just…curious."
"Curious?"
"Why now? Why Toby? Why…babies?"
"Hmmmm… Tell you what," Andi smiled a secret little smile. "We'll trade. I'll tell you all the whys if you spill the goods on that gorgeous Secret Service agent you've got wrapped around your little finger."
CJ laughed uproariously. "NO ONE has Simon wrapped around their little finger, Andi. But I'll talk. What the heck, he's my favorite subject!"
Andi settled back, looking around thoughtfully.
"Do me a favor and keep this conversation inside these walls, OK? Toby will have a field day…if he found out the honest answers."
CJ nodded.
"Why Toby is easy. I still love him."
"He loves you too," said CJ softly. "He never took off the ring, you know…"
"Yeah, but I can't live with him, CJ. He…maybe we both expect too much of each other, and aren't willing to bend enough to accommodate one another. I don't know. I just know that there is no one else I want for the father of my children, and he's the one person I can't live with. Ironic, isn't it?"
CJ nodded mutely, head bowed, the words swirling in her mind. "…we both expect too much of each other, and aren't willing to bend enough…" she thought of Simon, and Toby's words that night. "…he is more than happy to trade in this dream for a lifetime with you… someone who is comfortable with who you are, and asks nothing more or expects nothing less." She drew in a shuddering breath.
"And…children? Now?"
"I've wanted them for a while. You know Toby and I tried…when we were married. Then we got divorced, and I threw myself into my work. But work doesn't define who I am." CJ's head snapped up sharply. Andi chuckled humorlessly. "Oh, it's a big part of me, but it doesn't completely define me. I felt…still incomplete. I am…Congresswoman Wyatt and…what else? I want to be "mommy" too. And I'm not getting any younger, as cliché as this sounds."
CJ struggled to find the right words. "Aren't you afraid…you'll lose yourself? Becoming a mother means…" she waved her hand vaguely.
"It means a lot of guilt men never get to experience when they go to work after the baby is born," Andi laughed. "I don't doubt it will be hard. And I will need to make compromises. But I think I will find a new self, that will hopefully be good enough to accommodate 'Congresswoman Wyatt' AND 'mommy.'
No one said you had to be one or the other, CJ," Andi said softly. "Some women are comfortable being either or. I want both, like many other women out there. Thankfully, we live in a time and place when the choice is ours."
"Now you sound like a politician," CJ smirked.
Andi laughed. "Hey, I'm running for reelection!"
CJ looked away, then back at Andi. She never had a close female friend, and now she wished she could confide in the woman sitting across from her. So much of what Andrea Wyatt said made sense, and resonated within CJ. And yet…
"You have a much better sense of self than I do," she mused.
"I don't believe that for a moment," Andi shot back.
CJ snorted. "You know, the only sense of myself I have is so tied up in my work…how good I do it….I don't think I know who Claudia Jean Cregg really is, outside the Press Room, or the PR Agency or….whatever. I don't know another me, and I don't know if I can conceive…" she winced at her choice of words, "…of another, different part of me."
"There's CJ the friend," Andi pointed out, "CJ the lover, the woman who's rumored to be growing quite domestic with the Secret Service hunk," she smirked.
CJ tried to glare at her, but blushed instead. "He's…incredibly domestic himself, when we're home. It's scary."
"I would have thought it's good?"
CJ nodded mutely, her defenses going up. Andi watched her for a moment.
"You know, to the small-town mind, and this is a VERY small town, a woman can't be close friends with a man for twenty years without having sex with him. We know differently. The same small-town minds will tell you that a woman can't get into the President's inner circle without having slept her way to the top. You and I know differently. These same minds will tell you that a powerful woman in a powerful job can only be that, to the exclusion of all else, or she's nothing at all. Only you know if that's true or not for you, CJ. It may be a scary question to ask, but I think it's worth looking for the answer. As long as you realize there's no wrong answer in this quest."
Andi chuckled. "I'm done sermonizing. Now let's talk about your hunk."
CJ leaned back, smiled, and started talking about her favorite subject.