CJ was quiet when she came home the night of her talk with Andi. Simon thought it was best to let her stew for a while. Eventually, though, he grew concerned by her demeanor.
"CJ, talk to me."

She gave him a half-hearted smile and curled up on the couch, feet tucked underneath her, looking so much like a small, lost child he thought his heart would break.
"It's...you know. I went and sat down with Andi Wyatt today. Just to talk...Our phone conversation earlier this week...same issue."

"I never even meant for this to become an issue!" Simon protested. "It was…me talking out loud, because you're not only the woman I love but also my best friend. I never meant to imply any need or make you feel…hell, CJ, I don't think I know WHAT you feel!"

She looked around for a long moment. "I'm not sure myself," she whispered. "Scared, angry, confused, hurt…" She grinned bitterly. "Take your pick."

"I don't get it – you're the last person I would expect to agonize about having a baby just because you think the guy wants to. This isn't you. It's not what I want and it's nothing that I can be grateful for. What's going on?"

She sighed heavily, trying to organize her own confused, scattered thoughts.
"I guess you touched a raw nerve back when we were talking on the phone."
He waited for her to go on. When she didn't, he asked, "What kind of a raw nerve?"
CJ sighed, closed her eyes, and leaned her head back.
Oh, you know…the kind whose existence I denied for so many years of my life…"
"It being…"
She snorted. "Do you know what it's like for a woman to be highly ambitious in a man's world?"

He considered. "Well, judging by my very limited experience, you'd either be labeled a bitch, or you'd have to prove yourself better than any man out there just to be competitive."
CJ opened her eyes and looked at Simon with new appreciation in her eyes. Will the man ever cease to surprise her?
"You're pretty astute, Donovan."
He grinned. "I have my moments, ma'am."

She threw a magazine at him, as punishment for the "ma'am."
Closing her eyes and leaning her head back again, she resumed talking.
"Back in grad school, I was engaged…" she sighed. After a quiet moment, she continued. "David and I seemed to be so right for each other, you know. And I thought…" she shook her head impatiently. "At any rate, it wasn't until after we were heavily into the wedding-plans stage that we thought to talk about kids. And it became apparent that our expectations in that area were vastly different."
She brought her head forward and looked down at her folded hands.
"He thought we'd have kids fairly soon after we got married. And he expected, of course, to have a 'traditional,'" she chuckled bitterly," family."

"Meaning what? You'd stay home and he'd work?"
She nodded, and Simon snorted. "Loser."
CJ had to laugh.
"Actually, he made District Attorney in LA, eventually. So I guess loser…"
"Is still appropriate, as far as I'm concerned," Simon cut in.

"Well," CJ continued, "We obviously came to an impasse, it became a huge big deal, and the wedding was off. In hindsight, I can't believe I was naïve enough to miss that part of him. And it hurt…" She sighed, and was quiet again for a moment. Simon simply waited, taking her hands in his and squeezing gently.

"I threw myself into my work and when I had the right job, I was damn good at it and felt fulfilled. I wanted to establish myself in my field before I thought about kids. I thought it was fair – to me AND any children I might have had." She looked up at Simon, her face troubled. "This is where I get labeled an ambitious bitch, usually."

"By who?" snapped Simon.

"Whom," she corrected automatically, and winced when he glared at her. "Well, the guys I got promoted over, naturally. Or the guys I dated who left me saying they wanted a family and couldn't see that in their future with me. They said I was too ambitious." She turned her head away, but not before Simon saw the tears in her eyes.

"You know, I don't know if at some point I started to believe these guys, or just decided to stop getting hurt…I saw myself through my performance at work. My whole identity became tied up with my career. And now…remembering the times I did want more, when I thought I could one day be a wife and a mother, I get scared. I don't really know who I am outside work, and I don't want to have to choose between work and personal life. I love my job and I'm proud of what I can do. I can't take more pain – I never want to get left alone again. Especially not by you. I feel more for you than I've felt for anyone else in my life. I never thought I could…you know, just being so completely in love with you is a loss of control and identity that scares the hell out of me."

"Do you lose your identity with me?" Simon protested gently. "I never wanted you to change. I love who you are. If you feel pressured in any way…"
She shook her head emphatically. "It's not you. It's me, not recognizing the silly girl in love that I become whenever I catch even a glimpse of you. It's…something I like and fear at the same time, you know."

Simon thought about the good-natured teasing he'd received as a young man smitten with Michelle. He compared it with the grumbles he overheard during the administration's first couple of years, about the Press Secretary and the red-headed reporter. Aside from the conflict-of-interest concerns which very few people seemed to have, most of the resentment seemed to be directed at the fact that this woman could be so powerfully successful at her high-profile job, and yet maintain a personal life and femininity. It was as if by doing so, she's become a threat to the Old Boys' Club.

Once again, Simon mentally reviewed the tremendous pressure CJ faced daily in her job. Far beyond the responsibilities of her position and the constant need to clean up everyone else's messes, she had to carry the added burden that society still placed on women who tried to break the glass ceiling.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked softly.
"Oh, you know…you keep telling me how it's your job to clean up everyone's messes – the MS, the secret plan to fight inflation….it's a mom's job, except the messes are of a different kind."
CJ stared at him, than she started to laugh. He pulled her close, and realized with alarm that her laughter was turning into panicked tears.
"OK, CJ…Please tell me what just happened?"

She looked at him in anguish. "There is a part of this story I left out."
He looked at her in apprehension. "What?"
"I was pregnant two years ago."