CJ sighed and returned Donna's gaze. "How's Julie doing? I'm guessing it's probably a stupid question."

"She says she's losing her mind. She sounds like it, too."

A memory struck CJ with bitter irony and she let out a short laugh. Donna looked at her curiously.

"I was just thinking," CJ sighed, "How it seems that the issue of babies tends to really send people over the edge." She looked down at the sleeping infant in her arms and said quietly, "There was a time when I caught myself thinking, while Simon and I were making love, that I wish the pill would fail me…" she drifted off.

Donna looked at her curiously. "I think it's sweet, not crazy?"

"It's crazy if you consider the fact that I had a hysterectomy over a year before that night, and haven't taken the pill since then, obviously…but obviously THAT part of my brain was in complete denial that night. Listen," she added hurriedly, not looking directly at Donna, "Let's talk about this after the party, okay?"

After the party, Simon went to spend some time with Anthony while CJ and Donna sat down to talk.

"How far along is she? CJ asked.
"Nine weeks."
"Did you talk to her about…options?"
 "She isn't sure how she feels about terminating the pregnancy, but knows keeping this child is out of the question. If nothing else, her family will make its life a nightmare. She wants to find out about placing the child with an adoptive family, but she's afraid to ask questions. Also, she's wondering how she's going to hide a pregnancy once she starts showing…"

"Well, with her body type, she'll probably start showing later than most…at least we have time on our side."

Donna looked at CJ's sad face and said softly, "CJ, I'm sorry…I never knew about…your hysterectomy…"

CJ waived a dismissive hand. She and Donna were friends, but there were subjects CJ wouldn't discuss with anyone. Nor was she going to let her pain show. She slipped once, at the party. That was once too many.

"Forget it. Let's get back to Julie. Listen, my doctor is VERY discreet. Let me talk to her, OK?"

CJ called Dr. Laura Eskins on Monday. Since moving to DC and finding Laura based on a recommendation from CJ's sister-in-law, the two women have become friends. Laura was more than CJ's doctor; she was her confidant and sometimes her lifeline.

"Laura, hi, do you have a minute?" CJ closed her office door as soon as Dr. Eskins returned her call.

"Sure. What can I do for you, Press Secretary extraordinaire?" asked the younger woman cheerfully.

"I'm guessing in your practice you sometimes come in contact with patient who are either wishing to adopt or face an unwanted pregnancy?"
"You're thinking of adopting, CJ?"

CJ stood still, barely breathing, feeling as if she was hit with a two-by-four over the head. The quick denial that should have crossed her lips never made it out, and the words kept ringing in her ears. "Thinking of adopting…" The silence stretched.

 
"CJ?"
"Yeah…no, I'm not…I'm…I have a friend who needs to ask questions…discreetly."
"OK. Let's make an appointment."

When Simon picked CJ up from work that night she was oddly quiet. He knew her well enough to let her be for a while. She showered and changed while he caught up on the mail and phone messages. When she came out of the bedroom, he smiled up at her.

"Are you on some sort of a goodwill mission?"
"What?"
"A phone message from Julie Saunders, thanking you profusely for setting up the appointment and agreeing to go with her?"
"Oh that. She's a young woman in trouble. And her parents are not likely to be the least bit understanding."

"And the father?"
"Take a wild guess."
"Yeah."
"Yeah. So Laura asked me an interesting question today."
"OK?"

"She asked me if I was thinking of adopting."
Simon looked at CJ silently for a long moment. Then he asked "Are you?"
She laughed nervously, looked back at him. "I wasn't until she asked…but…you know…the idea does have merits, what do you think?"

Simon sat down at the table, and motioned CJ to sit next to him. He took her hand in both of his. "Seems you already put a lot of thought into this."

CJ snorted. "Are you kidding? I've not been able to do any work today!" She looked down for a moment. "Well, isn't it worth exploring? I mean…I know this is sudden, and it's a lot to think about…but do you think we should learn more about it?"

She sighed and continued. "There are so many adjustments we'd need to make, and we're not getting any younger," Then she laughed bitterly, "Not to mention the fact that your job makes our future together pretty uncertain."

Simon sighed. CJ handled the risks of his job very well, most of the time. But he knew the constant worry wore on her. It was worst than being the significant other of a police officer. At least police officers take cover when the shooting starts, instead of making themselves the biggest targets when bullets are flying. The worst part was, he didn't have a good answer for her. He loved his job, and as long as he could, he wanted to stay in it.

Of course, he loved her more.

"How much of a problem is my job becoming?" he asked quietly.

She shook her head tiredly. "Not more than usual. It's just an added…thing. To consider."
He nodded. "OK."

"Do you think you can love an adopted child as much as you would have loved a biological child?"
Simon smiled. "Yeah, you know it's funny you ask. Remember I told you about my friends Sandy and Bill?"
"Yeah?"

"Their kids are adopted. And they asked themselves the same question before they adopted their oldest. I sort of went through the whole process as their sounding board, and it left me quite the enthusiastic supporter of adoptions." He squeezed her handgently. "Ceej, we never even seriously discussed having a baby. I guess I…never pursued the issue because back in October, you hurt so much, and you were confused, and I was trying to…I don't know…minimize the damage…"

"Damage?"

"I felt I started this avalanche when I let on about my one unrealized dream of having a baby. I thought I caused you enough pain…so…"
"Can we restart the dialog again? Because I'm still confused…scared…not sure
what I want…but holding the babies this weekend, and Laura's question today…I just want to learn more…"

He smiled. "After the wedding."
She laughed in reply. "What the hell, I waited my entire adult life, I can wait another week!"