His Someone
Off I go, once again, into the wild, blue yonder. He ran away from me again. Atomask always seems to be running now. He's afraid of me. Little old me. Haruha Raharu. Scourge of the galaxy. Every galaxy needs a scourge. It's probably one of the most empowering feelings in the world. Having him afraid of me. But it's also really depressing. Or it was.
I don't feel hurt anymore. This time I was almost relieved when he ran. It's the kid. My Ta-kun. But then because Atomask ran, I have to follow him. That's probably for the best. I'll find him, and I'll destroy him. Never cross a woman with violent tendencies and questionable sanity. It's just a bad idea from the get-go. And definitely never toss her.
Stuck up bastard. But it's odd for once to feel like I don't care. I could have just forgotten about it and sat down and laughed myself silly after Ta-kun said in such a sweet, innocent voice the words I used to want to hear from Atomask. That just stopped my heart and put my brain on hold.
It's so funny that he could just so completely rock my world with a few words and that sheepish, hopeful look in his big, blue eyes. Thinking about that look makes me feel sick and dizzy and wonderful and unbelievably sad. Kids. I guess I'm a pedophiliac. There's just something so amazing that I love about them.
I wouldn't call them innocent really, that makes them sound stupid. They know the same things as adults, they just don't understand them in the same way or the things don't effect them. But intellectually, they understand. It just doesn't transfer into the mind-numbing conformity and stupidity that is the adult brain.
They never really think you're wrong. Even if they say they do, they really don't. They just trust you. They latch onto you and they trust you. Eyebrows told him, and told him again that he shouldn't trust me, and you know, he really shouldn't have. But he did. He came back. He turned around and leaned against me, wanting to be held. I love that. The simple wants. They want to be held. These kids. Just the little signs of affection comfort them so much. It's amazing.
That terrifies me. You can beat them, you can use them, you can abuse them, and they just keep trusting you despite it all. They need someone. When you become their someone, it's magic. He doesn't have a mother. His father and grandfather are idiots and freaks. He needed a someone and it became me. I think it used to be that girl with the cat. But she was never really his.
He took me, he stole me, he made me his someone. I'd love to be his someone. I want to be his someone. But I can't. Thank God he didn't answer. Thank God he just stared at me mute and broken. I would have taken him with me if he'd said yes. I didn't mean to ask him to come, it fell out while I wasn't paying attention to my mouth.
If I brought him, I'd keep on abusing him. He'd probably be killed, because of me. I keep telling myself that, and I know it's true. I can't ever see him again. I'd break. I'd take him. I'd make myself his someone, even if I'd since been replaced. I can't stand the thought of that. Part of me wants him to move on and find a new someone, part of me wants him to love me and obsess over me forever.
I hate myself. Because I can never be his someone.