Staying Out Of The Dark
Disclaimer: Joss owns it all, even the pocket lint.
Summary: A week has past and Spike is still having trouble dealing can they save him or will he go into the dark forever?
Reviews: As always no flames please, don't like the dusting thing. If you like it don't be shy, feed the muse. She loves bopping my head.
A/N: This seems to be the end of this little trilogy (seems to be a trend in my writing, trilogies that is). Giles gets his answers, they are not what he expects. Don't know where the voices will take me from here but hopefully they'll say something good soon.
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Spike watched with brooding blue eyes as the cigarette he'd just discarded sputtered and died. He had been forbidden by Dawn from pitching his butts into the yard so he was denied the pleasure of seeing the red embers flying thru the air. She had filled a small metal coffee can with sand and set it next to the back step where he always sat to smoke. Several times a week she picked all the cigarette butts out of the can and made nasty comments about how cigarettes can kill you, much to the amusement of the already-dead vampire. Giles's only rule was that the vampire didn't smoke anywhere in the house but the basement. He had been back from patrol for almost an hour but had not gone into the house so he wasn't sure if they knew he was back. More and more he had developed the habit of sitting out on the back steps alone. It didn't escape his notice that the place he always sat was the one Buffy had been sitting at when he'd tried to comfort her after Joyce had gotten sick. Preparing himself to get up and go inside, he was startled by a hand on his shoulder. With vampire senses, it wasn't easy to startle Spike. Giles was the only one who seemed able to do it. Spike supposed it was a trait left over from the Watcher's Ripper days. Stealth was not something one expected from a vampire slayer watcher.
Giles sat down on the step next to the blond vampire. "Got a spare?" He asked motioning to the pack on the step.
"Sure, mate. Rough day?" Spike offered his smokes to the newcomer.
"Not really. I noticed you got back a while ago. Why didn't you come in?" The Watcher lit his cigarette.
"Don't know. Guess I was trying to come down off a violence high." Spike shrugged and looked down to hide his lie. "What about you? Kind of late for you to be roaming the house."
Giles delayed answering by taking a long drag on his cigarette. Finally he spoke. "Actually, I was waiting for you. We need to talk."
Spike nodded sadly. "Kinda thought this was coming. Time for me to move back to my crypt, eh?"
"What? No! Dawn would have my head if I said anything of the sort. Actually, I'm the one moving. I'm going back to my apartment tomorrow. It's been more than a week and frankly I don't feel I'm needed here anymore. Willow and Tara have settled in nicely. The Buffy-bot is in working order."
Spike shuddered at the mention of the look-alike robot he'd had made. Not one of his brightest ideas. Giles noticed the shudder but didn't comment.
"Besides the sofa is bloody uncomfortable." He finished as he stubbed out his cigarette.
"Was wondering when you were going to admit that one." Spike gibed gently.
Giles smiled ruefully. "Didn't think it was obvious."
"Only to someone who's been on the sodding torture device. I've slept in bathtubs more comfy than that thing. Not even fit for a corpse, that is." The blond joked.
Giles laughed. He'd found in the past week that the master vampire had a wicked sense of humor. It was the bouts of black depression that seemed to come from nowhere that had everyone else in the house worried. Admittedly the mood swings were not as frequent as they had been but it was worrisome, especially to the teenager who depended on the young vampire. While the mood swings had lessened, the number of times the vampire withdrew to be alone had increased. The Watcher wanted to ensure that Spike would be able to cope if left alone with the girls.
"That wasn't all you wanted to discuss was it, Rupert?" Spike lit another cigarette just to have something to do with his hands. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, stretching his back.
Giles cleaned his glasses and cleared his throat. "No, it wasn't. I wanted to make sure you're okay. You seem to be withdrawing again."
Spike shook his platinum blond head. "No, Mate, not withdrawing. God, it's so bleeding hard not to. But I look at the Little Bit and remember I have a promise to keep. The dark is always beckoning, but I'm doing my best to stay out of it."
"The dark?" The older man asked.
"Yeah, it's the place vampires go when they give up. If they don't feed, don't move, don't do anything eventually they go into a kind of stasis. They don't dust but they're just.... Not there any more. And they don't come back.. ever." He looked up, pain evident in his crystal blue eyes. "I don't want to go there any more. It's just... hard sometimes. It's like I'm constantly fighting for my sanity, my life. I think I'm winning but sometimes I kill a vamp or a demon and I wish Buffy had been there to help, hinder, or even just make fun of it all. Then..." He stopped, unable to finish the thought.
"Then you're not sure you can continue." Giles finished softly. The blond vampire nodded.
They sat in silence for a while.
"There was something else I wanted to ask you." The watcher fidgeted nervously.
"Well spit it out then. Don't have all night you know." Spike dropped his spent cigarette into the can. He was slightly embarrassed about having revealed so much.
"It's about your accent." Giles said hesitantly.
"What about my accent?" Spike looked at the other man in shock
"Well, most of the time you sound like you just dropped out of north London, all cocky and cockney. London street tough. But lately, especially immediately after Buffy's, um...well, you seemed to be more polished and refined. Your accent at those times is very posh?" Giles was cleaning his glasses furiously while trying to gauge the vampire's reaction to the highly personal question.
To Giles' utter shock and admitted relief, Spike started to laugh. "So my secret is out then. Over a century of convincing people I was a common street thug when I was turned all shot to bloody hell because of shock."
His laughter settled down to a smile. "You caught me. I'm a fake. I don't know how much Angel told you about before I was turned and I certainly don't know how much is written about it in your Council's records. But my family was part of the ton. No real title to speak of, more of a relative, some uncle or other on my father's side was a duke or something. Been a long time, can't really recall the exact connection. Went to the best schools and put all my wonderful education to use writing the worst poetry imaginable. The rest of the time I took care of my mother. She was ill." He took a deep unneeded breath. "Angelus kept asking me why I changed how I spoke. Never did answer the old poof. Drove him nuts. I did it because becoming a vampire changed me; I wasn't the weak little ponce I'd been as a human. I was tougher and wanted to sound that way. Question been driving you around the bend all week has it?"
Giles nodded with a smile of his own. "Angel did tell us a bit about the poetry and how you hadn't been tough when you were turned. He didn't mention anything specific about your family. And if it helps, the records are quite wrong."
"Works for me. Let's keep it that way, eh, Watcher?" Spike slid a sly glance at the other man.
Giles nodded then yawned suddenly. "Excuse me, I guess it's time I tried for a little sleep on the 'sodding torture device'."
"Me too. Gonna hit the basement and recharge." They both rose from the step.
"Spike?"
"Yeah, Mate?"
"Stay out of the dark. See you tomorrow." Giles went into the house with the vampire close behind.
Spike wearily made his way down to the lonely basement knowing that as soon as his head hit the pillow he would start to dream. Every night he saved her. The only reason he kept going back to sleep was because every night he saw her. Seeing her again, even if it was in dreams was almost enough to keep him going. Almost.
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The next day Giles informed Dawn, Tara and Willow of his intention to move back to his apartment. All three girls were agreeable to the plan, as they all knew how uncomfortable the sofa was. They were frankly amazed he had lasted as long as he had. As much as they appreciated his devotion to them, they knew he needed his own space. They helped him gather his things, which had somehow gotten scattered all over the house. It was almost noon before they finished the task. The third and last box had just been set by the front door when they heard the microwave in the kitchen start up.
Dawn ran into the other room and grabbed her vampire around the waist in an enthusiastic hug. She greeted him the same way every day so he wasn't surprised. He turned in her embrace and hugged her back. Dropping a kiss on the top of her head, he let her go. Retrieving his mug of blood he sat down at the table.
"Why aren't you in school, Bit?" He took a sip as she sat down.
"Saturday, Spike, no school." She informed him. "Did you know Giles was moving out?"
He nodded. "Told me last night after patrol."
Spike asked the same question he posed every day. "Did you get all your homework done?"
She rolled her eyes, a patented Summers look. "Saturday, no homework. And yes, I did get everything done last week. Turned in on time even."
Spike opened his mouth but whatever he was about to say was lost when Giles, Tara and Willow came into the kitchen. They seemed to gather there whenever they were all in the house. This time the object was lunch. They had worked up an appetite gathering Giles's wayward possessions. Tara and Willow started looking thru the refrigerator for something easy for lunch. Giles sat at the table next to Spike. The blond vampire finished the blood in his mug.
"Got all your gear together?" Spike asked the other man. Receiving a nod, he continued. "You're really going to leave me alone with all these girls?" He asked with a shudder and a wink.
The girls in question immediately searched the cupboards for the mini-marshmallows that were a mandatory staple in their kitchen. Finding their ammunition, they started pelting the startled vampire with them. With a laugh, he began grabbing the little treats out of the air and eating them. The ladies noticed he was enjoying their weapons and stopped throwing them. The laughter in the kitchen stopped abruptly when Spike stood suddenly and bolted for the basement door, a stricken look on his face. They all looked at each other wide-eyed and solemn.
Something clicked into place in Giles's brain. Every time they were all together and seemed to be enjoying something was when Spike's mood shifted and he sank into the depression. He smacked himself on the forehead.
"Oh Dear Lord. Of course! It's a natural part of the grief process! Why didn't I see it sooner?" He muttered to himself. 'Because you were grieving yourself and didn't notice.' He thought.
"Giles, what are you talking about?" Tara asked.
"Spike. His depression. How he can go from laughing and joking to utter despair in a blink. He feels guilty for having a good time when Buffy can't be here. He touched on it last night when we were talking but I didn't connect the dots until just now." He shook his head. "I'm not sure Spike's ever really mourned anyone before. If he has, it was so long ago he doesn't remember that these feelings are perfectly normal. He's had so many upheavals in just a couple of years that he hasn't really had time to recover from one thing before another one hit. Buffy's death was the proverbial last straw."
Dawn sat stunned with tears in her eyes. "I feel so bad. I didn't even notice. I mean I knew he had the moodiness thing happening but I just thought.. gee.. I don't know what I thought."
Willow went over and put an arm around the upset teenager. "None of us figured it out, sweetie. It's been hard on all of us. We would have seen it eventually."
"But that may have been too late." Giles said grimly. "We need to help him now. Before he breaks down again. Right now the only thing keeping him with us is his promise to Dawn. But, I must admit, if I hadn't spoken with him last night I would not have made the connection today." He cleaned his glasses distractedly.
"Should one of us go down and talk to him?" Tara asked worriedly.
"I'll go." Giles said. "He may open up easier for me. I wish Angel was still here." He stood and went over to the basement door.
Downstairs Spike was pacing back and forth talking to himself but Giles couldn't quite understand was he was saying. He had obviously run his hands thru his hair several times. His curls were once again rioting over his head. Suddenly he stopped pacing and Giles thought maybe he had been discovered.
"Sire, help me." The Watcher barely heard the whispered plea.
Spike sat down on his cot and propped his head in his hands with his elbows on his knees. Covering his face with his hands, Spike became very still.
Giles sat down silently on a step and tensely waited. He wasn't sure why but he felt he would be intruding if he proceeded further into the basement.
Spike desperately opened the link between himself and his Sire. 'Sire, help me.' He pleaded. Then he waited.
'Will, are you okay?' Angel questioned from his room in the Hyperion.
'No Sire. I think I'm going insane.' The younger vampire sent desperately.
'What's wrong?' Angel asked.
'I.. don't know how to describe it. It's like I forget that Buffy's dead and I act as if every things all normal then it hits me that she's gone and I just want to go into the dark. But I can't do that because then I'd be breaking my promise to Niblet. I can't leave her. But I don't know how long I can do this. I find myself enjoying a joke or having a bit of fun with the Bit, Red or Glenda when I realize I shouldn't be enjoying anything cause Buffy's not here.' Spike had tears sliding silently down his face.
'Will, it's normal for that to happen. It's called life. Life goes on. The pain eases and you can enjoy small things again. It's okay to laugh. Buffy wouldn't have wanted either of us to go to the dark. Yes, I've had thoughts about that myself in the past week. I know it's hard, but it will get better. I promise. You haven't dealt with loss in over a century. I have. I lost a good friend a while back. When you start enjoying things again it's hard because you do feel guilty for it but it's okay. I still miss him and always will but my friends helped me cope as they are doing now.' Angel had tears running down his own face in reaction to his Childe's pain and his own pain in remembering Doyle.
'Angel, don't sever the link again. Please?' Spike pleaded.
'You want me to keep it open? Not close it down until one of us activates it?' Angel was surprised.
'Please. Just for a little while. I feel so alone. I'm surrounded by people but I feel so very alone.' For once Spike wasn't afraid to admit he didn't want to be without his Sire. He was still a young vampire and the recent events had made him unwilling to be independent.
Angel sighed unnecessarily. 'Okay Childe, I'll stay with you for a while.'
Spike sat back against the cool cement wall and wiped his face dry with his hands. "Thanks, Peaches." He muttered and grinned at the growl echoing thru his mind.
Giles cleared his throat as he stood up from the step. He wasn't sure just what he'd witnessed but felt it was something very important.
"The girls wanted me to make sure you were all right." The Watcher began softly. "I think I know what's been happening."
Spike looked at the other man warily. "Really?"
Giles crossed the basement floor and sat next to the blond vampire. "Yes, it's called 'survivor's guilt'. It's what happens when someone tragically dies and those that are left behind feel guilty for living, for continuing to exist. As the time passes and normal everyday living resumes, sometimes it's difficult to accept that the loved one will never again enjoy life. The rest of us have had losses in our lives so we are familiar with these feelings. I regret that we neglected to realize what you were going through. Our conversation last night and today's events made me see what we had been missing."
'Will, Giles is right. I'm sorry too. I didn't think.' Angel projected to Spike. 'I should have kept the link open more and helped you deal with this.'
Giles noticed the distraction of the young vampire next to him. "Spike? Are you okay?"
He wondered.
Spike started. "Um, sorry, Giles. I was listening to Peaches." Again the growl echoed through his head.
"Excuse me?" The Watcher was puzzled.
'Should I tell him? It's not something that's encouraged, letting humans know about the link. He's going to think I'm more insane than you already do.' Spike asked his Sire silently, aware of the growing unease of his companion.
'Yes, but no one else. And make sure he doesn't inform the council.' Angel cautioned.
'No chance of that. He's kind of on the outs with the council.' Spike assured the older vampire.
Spike took a deep unneeded breath and looked at the uncertain man next to him. He smiled. "It's okay Rupert. I'm not crazy. But I have to ask you not to repeat what I'm about to tell you. It's one of the few things us vampires have left that's not human knowledge." He waited for the other man's nod before continuing. "There's a connection between a Sire and his Childe. It's a link. A mental link that enables the two vampires to communicate with each other, even when they're separated by distance. This link can be opened and closed at will by either vampire. The one between Angel and me, well, I thought it had been severed decades ago. We haven't used it. Angel reopened it last week the first night he was here. But, as he just now admitted, he hasn't used it enough to help me during the last week. I thought I was going insane. It wasn't his fault though; he's been dealing with his own issues. But no one, especially the watcher's council, can know about this." He finished.
Giles nodded. "It certainly could prove dangerous for some of the more unscrupulous members of the council to acquire this knowledge. Thank you for trusting me. Is Angel listening to our conversation?"
Spike nodded his platinum head. "Yes, but if you feel uncomfortable I can shut down the link. I just wanted to be in contact with him for a while. Been feeling kind of solitary lately."
"No, no, that's fine. May I ask a couple of questions about the link?" Giles wondered.
The blond agreed. "Fire away."
"This link, is it between all vampires and the ones they sire?"
Spike lit a cigarette. "No. There are two kinds of siring. A vampire can sire as many minions as he wants but to sire a childe means the vampire kept the fledgling vampire with them and taught the childe every thing they need to know to survive as a vampire. It's the first kind of vampire that gets dusted on patrol on a regular basis because the sire just turned them and left them to fend. A childe is like me, Angelus and Drusilla kept me with them, taught me and protected me until I could survive. That's when the link develops."
Giles cleaned his glasses, again. "Have you ever sired a childe?"
Spike laughed ruefully. "Nope, I was too selfish. That and I had Dru to take care of. I didn't have time to deal with her and a fledge. The only one I have a link with is Peaches." He grinned at the growl once more echoing through his head.
"I won't ask about any minions." The older man stated.
"Fair enough. Just know that I haven't sired any sort of vampire in years." The blond dropped his spent cigarette into the ashtray. "At least not since they put this sodding chip in my head. Come to think of it, I hadn't turned one for quite a while before that."
Giles looked at the young vampire in surprise. He knew Spike had been unable to sire vampires with the chip in his head but for him not to have turned anyone before the chip was astounding. Spike smiled at the look on the other man's face. Ducking his head shyly, the young vampire avoided the questions he knew were coming.
"Come on, Rupert, you can't be that surprised. I was so busy keeping Dru happy and worrying about the slayer, there really wasn't time to do more than feed and leave. Not that it did me any good." He sobered. "Dru's gone, Buffy's g..gone." His breath hitched in his chest. "They all leave. No one I've ever loved has stayed with me. I never thought Dru would leave me. The slayer, well, there was never any doubt; she wasn't ever going to stay. Not for me at any rate. Guess I have to get used to being alone." He felt guilt emanating from Angel. 'Oh don't go all broody on me, Sire. You know as well as I do that I'm going to piss you off soon and you'll leave me again. That's just the way we are. We can't be any other way.' He felt Angel's reluctant agreement. Someone came into Angel's room and Spike realized they needed to close the link. 'Thanks, Sire. I'll talk to you later okay?'
'Okay, Will. Just be sure you do.' Angel instructed him.
'Yes, Peaches.'
'Don't call me that!' Then the link was closed. Spike smiled, rested his head against the cement wall and resigned himself to his solitary state once more.
Both men looked up as they heard the basement door open.
"Spike? Giles? Are you guys okay down there?" Dawn hesitantly made her way down the stairs.
"Yeah Niblet, we're cool." Spike answered as she crossed the basement floor.
"I know that, but are you okay?" The teenager sassed as she sat down and wrapped her arms around her favorite person. She closed her eyes and snuggled in.
Spike smiled and hugged his Little Bit close. Closing his eyes and laying his cheek against the top of her brunette head, he savored having her there. "I will be Bit, I will be." Maybe, just maybe his luck was changing. Here was a person who loved him and showed no signs of leaving. They loved each other as brother and sister but it was love all the same and it warmed him thru his unbeating heart.
Giles smiled softly at the odd sight of the master vampire and the teenage girl. Spike was wrong, not everyone he loved has left him. Silently he retreated back up to the kitchen. He knew that the moodiness wasn't going to go away over night but now that they were aware of it's cause, they could all help in comforting the heartbroken vampire. They could let him know he wasn't alone. It was going to be hard but now he had hope that things were finally going to be all right. He had no clue that in a less than five months their world as they knew it would again be turned upside down.
Finis