AN: Allo all, this story is cowritten with my cohort Moo. So, you can blame her too if you don't like it.

            We are sufficiently outraged by the awful and tragic occurrences in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix…and are also rather in states of shock, denial, and angsty woe. Not to mention utter horror. The tragic demise of out beloved Padfoot otherwise known as Sirius Black has struck chords of anguish, grief, pain, and ultimate depression in our hearts. Therefore, we have taken it upon ourselves to right this horrible act, and give Harry the punishment that he deserves for killing off his godfather, as we feel he is truly the one responsible. If the idiot had only taken the time to think to open the present Sirius so generously gave to him, even if he did not intend to use, Sirius perhaps would not have met such an appalling and unfortunate fate. Also, the authors have decided to bring a few unpunished villains to justice, and generally set things to rights in the wizarding world. With help from our favorite characters, of course. To accomplish this feat, we have had to bring our allies, Asha  and Minuet  in to do the job for us, to make sure all goes as planned. Simply controlling things as supernatural omniscient beings would be too conspicuous. We could, of course, have Harry drop dead on the spot of unknown causes. However, we feel that this would be somewhat too much of an easy sentence, and we want him to suffer maximum pain. After all, he does not have, ever had, and never will have any personality of any type, no matter what J.K. Rowling does, and so he must be done away with.

Note: Death to the word 'phoenix'!!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything except an overactive imagination, thirty-nine dollars, and a mission. Otherwise we wouldn't need to do this—we could just roll over said characters with some expensive Weapon of Mass Distraction. However, sadly, security's just too high get it on the plane to Britain, so we'll have to operate from our humble American home.

Another disclaimer: We actually like J.K. Rowling, hard as it is to believe judging by this story. However, we are just really woeful and pissed about the death of our dear Padfoot. After lots of moping around and sob-fests, we could take it no longer and had to act, venting out our severe anger and unbearable sorrow.

No actual characters were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.

We shall now proceed to the torturous story itself.

In a moment….

Space! The final frontier!

OK, NOW we'll commence.

            Minuet ducked as her hyperactive owl came zooming through her office window at the Department of Story Control, American Ministry of Magic. The overexcited bird was flying around, occasionally crashing into a wall or a cabinet. "Calm down, you stupid thing," she said, exasperated. As it zoomed by, she caught it by the tail feather. "Gotcha! What's this?" She grabbed the letter and studied it. Strangely enough, it had the seal of the Order of the Phoenix, even though it had been shut down for years…the American branch hadn't been involved in a lot of their doings, anyway…

            She opened it, curious. It read,

Dear Minuet,

We here at the Order of the Phoenix (because the Ministry of Magic here are a bunch of stuck-up prats who wouldn't inform you, even if they did pay attention to things that are actually important) regret to inform you of the passing of your sixth cousin once removed, Sirius Black.

Minuet, sorry about this. It really, really stinks. The stupid Ministry of Magic here still thinks he's a criminal. A criminal! It's the stupidest thing. But then again, they didn't even believe He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named returned. I don't know if you'd been informed of that, either. Sorry you've been being ignored. I sent a letter to Asha, too. I don't know what your department is, Aurors or whatever, but I thought you should know. Isn't your department part of your Department of Mysteries? Well, it's got to be better than ours…

I don't know, I just thought someone should tell you what's been going on.

N. Tonks

Minuet stared at the letter in disbelief. "No way," she whispered. "She didn't. No freaking way…ooh, she's going to get it now…"

--

Asha looked up from the memo she was typing to everyone.

Everyone,

The new volume of the 'story' is going to be published  in the Outside world. I just thought you might like to know. We'll be getting a copy soon from our current Author of Control, J.K. Rowling.

Thanks,

Asha & Minuet

An owl was swooping in her window, closely followed by another, which she recognized as Minuet's. Minuet's owl was practically assaulting her, something Minuet had trained it to do. "Stop it!" She shooed the owls away. She looked at the first letter. Hm? she thought. I haven't heard from Tonks in a while. And that's the Phoenix seal, isn't it? Strange…she opened it. It said,

Dear Asha,

We here at the Order of the Phoenix (because the Ministry of Magic here are a bunch of stuck-up prats who wouldn't inform you, even if they did pay attention to things that are actually important) regret to inform you of the passing of Sirius Black.

Enough with the formalities. Personally, I can't believe I'm the only one who's thought to inform you people about this. I'm sorry you haven't been updated in a while, I've been busy—what with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's return, and all. you probably haven't even heard about that yet, though. Stupid Ministry idiots. Actually, I'd call them something else, but then again I like to watch my language.

Sorry about Sirius, I know you guys knew each other or something...it almost seems like it wasn't supposed to happen…I know that's stupid, why would it, but I don't know. Things have been weird lately. At any rate, I sent a letter to Minuet, also. I thought you guys should know. God. This is so stupid! Augh, well, before I go off in my rant about the Ministry I'll stop here.

N. Tonks

Asha looked at the letter. At first it didn't really sink in, but then…Minuet's owl started pecking her on the head. She ignored it. "Sirius?" she said disbelievingly. "But she wouldn't—she didn't…oh, shit. ROWLING!!!!" She swept the letter off her desk, along with all of the past week's work, but that was irrelevant. Minuet's owl landed promptly in the space she had cleared. Asha grabbed the letter and opened it. It was short and to the point.

Asha-

Rowling must die. We have to do something, fast. Like, maybe fire her? I don't know. In case Tonks' letter didn't get to you, meet me on the third floor.

Minuet

Asha scribbled on the back of it.

I know. She must have published it early. I'll meet you there.

Asha

P.S. How could she? I thought she was responsible!! I thought after her punishment for killing Cedric w/ out our consent was bad enough! She's such a…um, lady. That's it.

Asha stormed off, leaving Minuet's owl (who, by the way, was named G Major, or Major for short) to find a way to attach the note to his own leg.

--

Asha arrived early. When Minuet walked in, looking about ready to strangle anyone who told her J.K. Rowling was an excellent author, Asha was sitting at the table, staring at it and fuming. She looked up. "Minuet. She has to pay. She will pay. I mean, something like this? Without approval from the Department? When she was appointed Author she agreed in the contract to let us review her plotline. She signed a contract!"

Minuet sat down across from her, looking disgusted. "I tried to reach her," she said grimly. "I got the answering machine." She changed the pitch of her voice, making it much higher . "Hello, you have reached J.K.Rowling. If you if are calling to congratulate me on my extraordinary success with my best-selling book series, please leave a message after the tone. Otherwise, you have the wrong number."

Asha smiled wryly. "I can deal with that. Accio cell phone!" A cell phone came flying through the door, leaving behind a small hole, and inserted itself into Asha's open hand. She dialed. The answering machine played, and then…

"Beep!"

"Rowling," Asha said in a dangerously soft voice, "this is Asha from the Department of Story Control, Department of Mysteries, American Ministry of Magic. Word has reached us that you published the fifth book in your series without authorization. You know full well what there is in this world to hurt you, so I would suggest that you pick up the damn phone, and get down here. Now. Otherwise, there will be consequences, not that there aren't already."

Minuet took the phone. "And," she added sweetly, "remember that we have the authority to remove you from your position."

They hung up.

Almost immediately the phone rang. She pushed the speakerphone button. "Hello," Asha answered in a fake-pleasant voice. "You've reached Asha."

"Hello," said a male voice with a British accent. It sounded kind of nasal, rather whiny, really. "This is Bruce Amstrop, and I am currently employed as the agent of a Ms. J.K. Rowling. It would appear that you are attempting to harass my client, and making futile attempts to contact her. Ms. Rowling is not taking any calls at this time."

"Listen, Mr. Amsterdam, or whoever the hell you are, I personally don't care what Ms. Rowling—" Minuet said the name sarcastically—"wants. I need to talk to her, and I need to talk to her now."

"I'm sorry, but as I have told you before, Ms. Rowling is not taking any calls at this time," said the agent patiently.

Asha took the phone, and said nicely, "Listen. Bruce. You sound like a reasonable guy, so I'm going to be frank with you. We need to talk to Ms. Rowling because she breached security code number 003, and also has broken the laws according to my department, which she bound herself to by signing a contract."

"Now look here," said Bruce indignantly, "I oversee all the contracts my client signs and she has seen no such contract!"

"Well," replied Asha, "not that she's told you about. Listen. I need to speak to Ms. Rowling, and if she won't speak with us, give her this message: She has been fired, and must report to the DOSC immediately, if she wishes to retain her wand, so to speak. And if she asks why, tell her it's in the contract. And if she asks how, say it's because of S.B."

"OK," said Bruce, skeptic. "I'll tell her that, and also that two loonies called in." He hung up.

They looked at each other, and said in unison, "Muggles."

Just then, their assistant Sylph came in, holding a large novel. "Hello," she said pleasantly. "We just received a copy of the new volume. Hey," she added, "you two look awfully upset. What happened, did Pasquale disrupt the Floo network again? I thought that was behind us, the Department of Transportation are taking care of that, I thought."

Asha sighed. "JKR violated her contract."

"She's gone cheeky on us," added Minuet quite seriously.

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing, that book is already published," replied Minuet.  "And now we have to fix her errors. And we have to take away her Authority."

"You mean, kill off the main character?" Sylph said, startled. "Pity. I was starting to like him, although he was devoid of personality. England won't be pleased to lose its little prophecy. And the head of their main school, Hogwarts…Albus something…he'll be pissed at us beyond belief. But I suppose it's just as well…I mean, it just didn't seem right to me. Sirius shouldn't have gotten killed."

"Exactly," said Asha grimly. "And don't say anymore, we haven't read it yet."

"Right," said Sylph, handing over the book. "Hey—d'you mind if I ask a question?"

"Nope. You just did," replied Asha.

"Well—do you have any contact with the people actually in the story? Who are being controlled by it? You know, in Europe?"

"Yep. How do you think we found out?"

"Oh. See ya!" Sylph made her exit.

Minuet sighed. "We have to read it now, and then fix the problem…"

"I still can't believe about Sirius…" muttered Asha. "That cow…"

"You seem to have picked up some English phrases from the previous books," said Minuet, arching an eyebrow.

Asha nodded. "That, and I stayed in England for a couple years, remember? So did you. With the Order? Don't you remember that?"

"How could I forget," said Minuet, shuddering. "They have worse villains over there than anything in America…"

"You're telling me," agreed Asha. "That Voldemort guy is horrible."

"OK, shall we do the absorbing spell again, then?" Minuet asked. "Actually reading the book would be good. Then we know what else to fix, and what we're dealing with."

"Yeah. Right you are. OK...me first." She pulled out her wand. "Condensia!"

She was silent.

"Oh," she said finally. Pause. Then, "Shit. This is going to be harder than I thought. She's introduced a stinking prophecy, in hopes of retaining her Authorship. And, that makes it that much harder to get rid of Harry, her little star pupil. We'll have to do a major rewrite to invalidate the prophecy, and…"

"Shut up, I haven't read it yet," said Minuet matter-of-factly. She extracted her wand from her pocket. "Condensia!"

(AN: If only Hermione knew about that spell…)

She paused. "I see the situation, and no solution has made itself apparent. There's some seriously evil characters that need to be eradicated, but how? And there's the big problem of having to dispose of Harry…plus get Sirius back…how do we change the story?"
Asha thought for a moment. Then her eyes lit up, and she grinned evilly. "I've got it," she said. "Now listen: We have to go to England for this to work. It'll be hard, but I think it'll work."

"What'll work?" asked Minuet despairingly.

"We have to get into Rowling's world…the Outside…and get to her computer. It's the master computer. We can only shut it down for three days from here, and then Rowling can undo everything we did, so that's no good. We of course have to work around her original manuscript. However, if we can get into the Outside, if we can get her away from the computer and write our plans, then they'll happen. Then we save all of it, then Harry's gone, and Rowling is out of a job. Then we can appoint a new Author and things can go on as usual."

Minuet laughed. "Well, no one said the Department of Story Control was easy to work in."

"No sirree," replied Asha. Then Minuet blanched. "What is it?" Asha asked, concerned.

"Well, we'll have to keep saving as we write," said Minuet, "so it doesn't get deleted. But then all we've done every time we save will happen, and the rest won't have yet, so England will be in total turmoil…"

Asha shrugged. "Well," she said brightly, "you win some, you lose some, right?"

With two loud cracks, the two witches were gone.