Disclaimer: Don't own any of them. Don't sue me. ((Hmm... as if the creators of Gundam Wing are actually going to read this and find out..... ))

This involves shônen-ai. Nothing graphic, but it's there. I don't want to hear it if you don't like that. Try being open-minded, or go read something else.

To Everybody else, thank you and enjoy the fic! You all are AWESOME!
BTW, this Chapter starts in a flashback, so that's why it's all italicized. It's not your eyes, don't worry!

note: items in double brackets, (( )) are thoughts, generally italicised (or not, if everything else is in italics...) Items between double colons (:: :: ) and italicised (or not) are song lyrics. Hope that made sense to somebody, so they can explain it to me.


Chapter 1 : Memories



::Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that every one can see these scars....::

"Coward!" I screamed at him, pounding my fists erratically on his chest, willing him to hurt. "What good would your death do, huh?"

He caught my wrist effortlessly, holding it in his iron grip until I gave up struggling and pulled back from him.

I watched his expression change from impassive to shocked, to consternation, before retreating back to a neutral wariness. One hand moved to cup my cheek.

'You're crying," he whispered, looking lost and confused.

I barked a laugh, brushing his hand away roughly, though my heart had thrilled at his touch. "Yeah, well, I'm not the 'Perfect Soldier' that you are, alright?" I could feel my face flush, and I stared down at the floor, humiliated.

((Stupid stupid stupid, to let him see you cry. As if he'll know why, as if he'd care...))

"I made you cry."

The words dropped heavily into the stillness, causing me to look up at him through my bangs.

He reached out his hand, as though to touch my face again, but hesitated, uncertain of himself. Awkwardly, he let his arm drop back to his side. I had never seen him look so out of place, so unsure.

His intense gaze never for a moment left mine.

"I'm sorry, Duo."

He was serious. Mr. Perfect, Mission--Complete, Let's--Self--Destruct--For--A--Lark Soldier had apologized to me, and had meant it.

I was still pissed at him though.

"All of us are on the same sort of missions, Heero, we all fight for the same thing," I advanced on him, working myself into a fury. He stepped back, eyes growing wide. "God knows it's hard enough, Heero, but none of us have ever tried to take the easy way out and kill ourselves! Only someone as spineless as –"

He slammed me back against the wall, one hand easily encircling my throat. His face was flushed with anger, his eyes dark pits of rage. He could kill me easily; I could see it in his face. I had never seen him so angry.

Somehow, it only served to drain all my anger away, leaving only a vague sense of pity and regret.

::I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel...::

"It isn't enough to merely act on your emotions, in battle, Heero," I said quietly, holding his gaze with no trace of fear, "You have to live too, experiencing those emotions in, " I shook my head, "I don't know, regular life? We don't have regular lives... but that doesn't mean we try to kill ourselves."

Slowly, he relaxed his grip, backing away from me. I could see him carefully considering my words, with all the diligence that the "Perfect Soldier" applied to everything in his life.

He was afraid.

I could see it in his eyes. Afraid that I was right, that he hadn't been living – merely existing – and afraid what truly being alive would entail. Heero couldn't cope with that fear; a fear of something he didn't understand. Reflex would make him flee that, retreat, regroup, reassess his plans. Just like any mission.

Fuck that.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, feeling the tension snap back into him at my touch. He shivered slightly, anxiety singing through his body.

"Did you think no one would care?"

His shoulders hunched up against my question. I could read the answer plainly.

((yes.))

I turned him to face me slowly, beginning to smile. A sad smile; it wasn't supposed to be like this....

His breathing had sped up, though he had always controlled himself perfectly before. His heart must have been racing; I could feel the fluttering of his pulse as I stroked his neck. He knew how to cope with pain, anger, suffering, death... this was completely foreign to him.

He was terrified of me.

Terrified of what I might do, anticipating whatever hurt that was to accompany my gentle smile.

::But it's like, not matter what I do, I can't convince you to just believe this is real.::

The idea that I might not want to hurt him hadn't even crossed his mind. Life was pain. He had no friends. He never got close to people, because he knew they'd only hurt him. It was better to stay away.

My poor, suffering angel.

"Duo..." he gasped out my name, flinching away from my caress. His eyes bored into mine, as though he could read my thoughts.

"I won't let you ignore me any longer, Heero."

I kissed him then, smiling against his lips as all the tension suddenly drained out of his form, his arms wrapping around me, crushing me into his embrace. Our tongues met, softly at first, then with increasing passion as the kiss deepened. He whispered my name against my hair, hands sliding underneath my shirt.

I closed my eyes, feeling, for the first time, complete.

::So I let go, watching you,::

He was gone when I woke up.

::Turn your back like you always do.::

"It was a mistake," he said coldly, standing with his back to me.

My lips, still bruised with his kisses, couldn't form a coherent reply.

((What are you saying?))

::Face away and pretend that I'm not...::

"We're at war, Duo. There isn't..." he shook his head roughly, "There shouldn't be any distractions from our mission. You are a distraction. We should be focusing on our objectives, not..." he looked disgusted with himself, "...not just fucking aroun---"

I backhanded him across the face, pulling him into a kiss before he could recover, my fingers clenched in his spiky dark hair.

He fought me for a minute, resisting. Every kiss was like that, a struggle for dominance between two soldiers.

I didn't care.

::...But I'll be here, 'cause you're all that I've got.::

----

"I'm not asking you for forever right now," I murmured, leaning my forehead on his chest, gripping the green fabric of his shirt tightly. I didn't want to let him go.

"I have to follow our mission," he sighed, resting his cheek against my hair, though I knew his gaze was resting on his abandoned computer.

I closed my eyes, seeking solace in the warmth of his arms. "You're supposed to act on your emotions. When are you actually going to feel them?"

He didn't reply, twining the end of my braid between his fingers.

::You're all that I've got.::

----

"I can't think about happiness now," He whispered in my ear, pulling me closer against him.

The sheets whispered against my skin as I nuzzled his neck. "You always say that."

He sat up, distancing himself from me. I winced at the silent blow. Love hurts, I had always been told that. I hadn't expected it to be so true. Heero's heart was still cold and remote to me; only rarely did I find a weakness, a crack in the ice. His eyes would light up when he looked at me sometimes, a smile tracing his stern lips....

Sometimes.

Far more often did I find myself locked out, pounding at the walled room of his heart, begging to be let in.

"This is the last time, Duo," he said firmly.

My heart plummeted. I stared at him in silence.

((You told me...))

"Zechs is leading White Fang now."

((...told me...))

"The war between him and Treize could swallow the Earth and the colonies."

((that you lo--))

"Promise me," I whispered, peering into the shadows, anxiously seeking his face.

((...that you loved me.))

Slowly, I rose, gathering the bedclothes around me as I padded across the room. I halted in the cool pool of silver moonlight that flooded into the cramped room. Not knowing exactly where he stood in the darkness, I willed my voice to calm, my gaze wandering.

"If you tell me now that you don't care about me Heero, I'll leave now, and never come back. You won't have to ever see me again."

A sharp cry, quickly bitten off, came from my right. I heard the unguarded denial in that soft noise, and managed a ghost of a smile.

"You told me, once, that you loved me...." I hesitated, but he didn't speak again. The room suddenly felt empty, filled only with crushing silence. I sank to the ground, pulling the thin sheet over my shoulders against the chill, closing my eyes tightly. Tears squeezed out from beneath my eyelids, liquid diamonds in the moonlight that traced my cheeks and speckled the sheet.

((It was all a lie.))

Soft footsteps, rustlings of movement, a warm figure behind me, enfolding me into his arms.

"I meant it too," he replied, his lips brushing my damp cheeks, "and once I've killed Zechs, I'll come back and find you...."

::You're all that I've...::

Only he never did.

Exactly one year after Treize died, and the battleship Libra was destroyed, he came back with haunted eyes, his terse message of "Relena's been kidnapped." his only greeting.

For a year, I had thought him dead.

I had missed him, had dreamed of him only to cry upon waking, finding myself alone again. The war was still going on around us, however. I could only hope that he would cling to the memory of his promise.

Staring with blank eyes at the mocking headlines of every newspaper, I realised that he had not.

-------

OWARIIII!!!

A/N, the parts in italics were sometimes separated by ------ lines between paragraphs. Don't know if anyone actually noticed . Anyhoo, this was meant to show different moments in time between the two of them, ok?

PLEEEEEZ R&R, it is very important to me that you do! I'll start typing up the next chapter soon!

Arr. Xtine the Pirate