Disclaimer: I mean, really people! Do you honestly think that if I owned Gundam Wing I would be spending my time writing these horrifically angsty fics to torment the characters?! I would have done it in the series!!!!!!!
Just kidding! However, if I did own the series, I would have a plushie Zechs doll.
Zechs: [[sighs and shakes his head]] She's impossible....
Again, extended italic sequences denote flashbacks. Items in bold, between ::colons::, are the song lyrics. Items between ((double brackets)) are Duo's thoughts. All clear? I had to change it, due to ff.n's funky formatting. All chapters are being thus updated. Grr.
This Chappie's for Jennykins! -- My Liana-chan [[purr]], for making me write, and not killing me when I'm mean to her Duo—luv. Sorry about that.
June 25, 2004
Chapter 4: Darkness
The gun under my pillow was still loaded. It was a habit I had picked up from Heero; one I hadn't been able to rid myself of. I kept it, just in case.
In case of what, I was no longer entirely sure.
In case he came back?
What could I possibly have to say to him, to a boy who could be so amazingly gentle and yet so cold, so cruel? What would I say to the one who had let me paint pictures of a golden future after the war, only to abandon me to the dreary grays of reality. He had broken my heart crushed it fine as sand, tiny little fragments beyond repair. What would I say to him....?
"Hey Heero, it's been awhile! Yeah, not much going on, I tried to kill myself a while back, but it's cool, Zechs stopped me. Did your slut girlfriend tell you that her brother shot himself?"
Ridiculous.
----
It would be so easy to let go.
The reflection in the warped and broken mirror grinned crookedly back at me, crimson specks from its bloodied hands flecking the glass and its pale skin. Wild blue eyes gleamed from beneath unkempt bangs, flashing with some sinister fire.
((This is what Heero saw. No wonder he left. They've all left, haven't they?))
Crystal tears, tracing white lines down cheeks smudged with crimson warmth.
((Why did you bother to fight for peace, Duo?))
The apparition spoke to me in a soothing voice that sounded so familiar. A voice without sound, but so clearly heard in my head...It hugged its knees to its chest as it spoke, a haunted little boy who had naïvely thought he knew about life and love and friendship.
Stupid, idealistic little fucker.
((Peace only breeds complacency and indifference.))
...Indifference to what becomes of those we love. Sad, really.
((War throws people together, makes them see the importance of those they love.))
...just as Heero loved me, once...
((Peace couldn't exist without war, Duo. Duo...Duo...?))
"...Duo!"
An angel materialized out of the gloom in a ray of piercing light that made me flinch, bringing with him the scent of wind and rain, endless skies. An angel of unearthly beauty who gently pulled the gun from my trembling fingertips; who looked at me with such pity.
His cool hand brushed my forehead, easing the throbbing ache there, dispelling some of the fog that clouded my mind.
An empty bottle was held up for my inspection. It shimmered like a mirage, wavering in front of my blurring vision.
Words, blending together; a rich, sonorous voice that caressed my abused senses.
A finger snap, sharp before my face. I blinked.
"How many...pills......you take? ......Duo......I said......"
Chill fingers caressed my burning cheek, a sweet touch of heaven in the fires of hell.
"Shit......need...take you......hospital............Ambulance..."
Heero had looked into Relena's eyes and had seen an angel there. By comparison, all I was was a demon, a bringer of death. But I saw the truth where my Perfect Soldier did not. Death saw the shadows that swarmed like flies in the wake of that sweet smile...and Death saw who the true 'angel' in the family really was. Lucifer had once been the brightest Angel in Heaven... I saw him still as that. The true angel...and the true devil.
Relena had sent her share of souls to dwell in Shinigami's brilliant shadow.
At least Zechs and Treize didn't hide behind the mask of pacifism. They had no need of such deceptions. Relena condemned soldiers to life in her days of peace, as with a smile, she had sentenced so many to die in the times of war. And she damned her brother. Her hands were far more bloodstained.
Strong arms lifted me easily, bearing me out of the deep and blood—stained night into the clear light of dawn...
::Time won't heal this damage any more::
...waking up hurts.
I stared blankly at the white ceiling tiles for a long time, willing the dull pain behind my eyes to recede. The air smelled sterilized and medicinal, the walls were a clinical, detached mint green.
I sat up, blinking, slowly taking in my surroundings: the IV stuck in the back of my hand, the nurses walking purposefully down the hallway, shoes clicking...
..Zechs asleep in a chair next to my bed...
The shock of seeing him made me jump, clasping at my head as the room lurched sickeningly. Once my vision had cleared however, I couldn't look away from him. I had never before realized how...beautiful...Zechs really was. I hadn't been unaware of his being handsome, certainly, but...
...but seeing him asleep, I felt as if I saw him for the first time...through Treize's eyes, perhaps.
Purple-grey shadows were smudged under his eyes, the silvery curtain of his hair falling over one shoulder. Lips slightly parted in slumber, the sharp lines of tension absent from his face...it made me realize, suddenly, how very young we were.
It was bitter knowledge.
As though somehow alerted to my wakefulness, Zechs opened his eyes to glare at me.
"Fucking idiot!" he snapped, stretching. I winced in sympathy as his back cracked audibly, the vertebrae falling into their proper alignment. "What the hell were you thinking, Maxwell?"
"He hasn't come back yet," I whispered miserably, pulling my knees up to my chest and studying my bandaged hands intently.
His expression softened somewhat, a melancholy smile twisting his lips. "Sometimes they don't come back. It's better to forget."
"Well what would you know about it?" I spat at him, despair and fury sharpening my words into cruel spikes, "Treize won't ever come back to you, he's dead! At least I can hope."
My gripped the flimsy fabric of the sheet covering my knees tightly. "Heero will come back for me, he promised. I have that to hold on to, Zechs. You have nothing to hope for."
His face went pale with anger, something dark flaring in his crystalline eyes. His hands clenched into fists at his sides.
"Thank you for reminding me, Duo," he said quietly ."Where there's life, there's hope, is that it? Is that the tired cliché you're cowering behind?"
I didn't reply, staring fixedly at the bone white sheet.
"The sort of hope that ends in an overdose on painkillers and a gun to the head? How optimistic of you." His voice was laden with acid sarcasm as he continued, "You're right; that is something to pray for, because after you're dead, Heero can live to regret running away from you. He'll see just how petty all of his arguments for leaving you were, realize that you were the only thing that made his life worth living. How clever of you." He made a helpless gesture with one hand, leaning back in his chair to glare at the ceiling.
I caught the motion out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't turn. I couldn't face him.
"Maybe, if you're really lucky, Heero will return in time to see you die, Duo."
All the anger was gone from his voice abruptly, leaving only a resigned bitterness that was harder to bear.
"You'll die in front of him, so he can realize that your death was his fault, and that he could do nothing to save you. He can live the rest of his life with that guilt. Is that what you want?" he laughed sharply. "Don't preach to me about hope. You were right, I don't have anything to hope for...but if that's what your version of it is, then maybe I'm the one who's lucky."
"He promised."
A bitter laugh escaped him, harsh with the sharp edge of tears. He cupped my cheek roughly, forcing me to meet his disdainful gaze. A flicker of pity crossed those icy depths, a gentle caress on my face.
"So did Treize."
With that, he stood and left the room, leaving me to my misery, as I had mocked him with his.
-----
Two days later, I was released from the hospital. Two days later, Hilde left me.
Zechs found me and got me cheerfully smashed... we didn't speak of what had come before. I didn't say anything to him, though I could see the hurt still lurking deep within his eyes....
It was that evening that he killed himself.
I had never apologized to him, had never thanked him for saving me.
::Don't turn your back on me::
I still wonder if his death wasn't my fault.
((where there's life, there's hope...))
The gun under my pillow was still loaded....
Zechs was right.
I had lost hope a long time ago.
::I won't be ignored::
(((A/N, it could end there, implying that poor Duo kills himself...))
----OR----
::Don't turn your back on me::
I still wonder if his death wasn't my fault.
Zechs was right, an empty bottle of pills and a gun to my head wasn't hope.
I had lost hope a long time ago.
That bullet wasn't meant for me....
::I won't be ignored::
Heero, Death doesn't care much for oath—breakers.
------
Owari!
Ok, so vote on which ending you prefer, mateys! Of course, with the second one, I probably could get around to writing another chappie or two, involving Duo tracking the scum bag down and giving him what for.... [[shrugs]] Dunno. That's what you're here for. Let me know, okee? I'm COUNTING on you!!!
...I'll be snuggling with my Zechs and dreaming up bad comedies while I wait....
Xtine the Pirate