~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Then I Would....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was a hot, humid day, the kind that sent most people inside, into lakes and oceans to cool themselves. Rikku and Baralai sat in a dusty old room, as they had been for most of the day. Sweat dripped off of their bodies, but they ignored it. They had a job to do, and nothing would deter them from it.

The young Al Bhed girl shook her head in exasperation. She was trying to teach Baralai some basic Al Bhed, but he kept mispronouncing the words, much to Rikku's annoyance. She didn't mind helping him out at all, but after an hour of trying to get one sentence down, it was beginning to grate on her nerves. "No, no, no. You're doing it all wrong. Let's try this again. It's 'Re so hysa ec.'"

Baralai took a deep breath, trying to remember the way that Rikku had pronounced the words. He couldn't help it; the words were so foreign to him. Sure, he had heard Gippal use Al Bhed quite a lot, but that didn't make it any easier. Baralai had usually been too involved watching the blonde move to listen to the words he spoke. A sharp pang shot up his heart as he thought of Gippal. He shook his head ever so slightly, pushing the thought and pain further back. "Re so hyza ec."

"No, no! It's not hyza, it's hysa, with an 's'."

"Hysa." He calmly repeated.

Rikku grinned in relief. It was about damn time. "There ya go. Now, try saying 'Re so hysa ec Kevran."

"Re so hysa ec Kevran." He repeated, careful not to stumble over his words.

"Now let's try 'Fryd ec ouin hysa?'"

Baralai shot her a look. It all sounded like mumbo jumbo to him. "Say that again... more slowly?"

Rikku sighed. It was definitely going to be a long day...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gippal sighed to himself and stared up at the ceiling. He and Yuna had spent the better part of the night and the morning looking for clues as to where Baralai had gone, but it had been useless. Baralai had wanted to disappear, and that's exactly what he had done.

He reached into his pocket and took out Baralai's letter. It hadn't even been a full twenty four hours, and already the paper was beginning to wrinkle and tear. Gippal had lost track how many times he had read it already, but he knew it was too many. He had the words memorised by heart, could speak them on command.

The youth didn't know what to think. He felt... well; he didn't rightfully know what he felt. Fear, grief, guilt. Oh yes, did he feel the guilt. He supposed this was his fault entirely. Baralai had been there, all along, trying to tell him to stop, to just treat him like he would otherwise, and Gippal had plunged on anyway. He had been so wrapped up in keeping Baralai safe and happy, that he hadn't noticed he had actually been destroying his lover.

What was it Yuna had told him? Not to give up hope so quickly? Gippal wondered how he could manage that. Baralai had specifically said not to look for him, that he didn't want to be found.

Gippal knew he'd look for him anyways, but a part of him couldn't help but wonder if he was only making everything worse by doing so.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuna sighed to herself and sat down on the edge of the bed. Tidus mumbled something and looked up at her sleepily. "Hey... how'd it go?"

"Not so good." Yuna relied rather honestly. There had been no trace of Baralai. They had looked at all of the surrounding areas and questioned everyone they could think of who might have known where the young Praetor had gone, all to no avail.

"Didn't find him, huh?" Tidus sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Yuna shook her head, her gaze downcast. She felt horrible for poor Gippal, for she remembered all to well what it felt like to have someone you deeply cared about you just ripped away from you in a heartbeat, without any warning.

Tidus seemed to sense this and reached over, taking her hand into his. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure he's fine. When he wants to come back, he will."

That's what Yuna was afraid of. What if he never wanted to come back? Where would that leave Gippal?

Instead of voicing these fears, she forced a small smile on her face. "I'm sure you're right. Until then, all we can do is support Gippal to our fullest."

Tidus smiled back at her. She wasn't fooling him for a second; he knew how grimly she thought of this situation. But... something's were better left unsaid.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Rikku! Report immediately!" The loud voice boomed, scaring both said girl and Baralai.

"Grrrr." Rikku looked up at the small intercom in the upper left corner of the room in annoyance. She stood up and sighed, glancing quickly at Baralai. "I'll be right back, okay? Don't wander off or anything."


Baralai nodded and watched her leave the room silently. He closed his eyes. He hadn't realised how tired he was until that moment, when everything just seemed to come crashing down on him.

He sighed and opened his eyes, looking around the barren room. His gaze rested on the mirror. A stranger stared back at him. He felt so different, almost... naked. He stood up and walked closer to the mirror, examining his newfound self. Who was it? Black hair, violet eyes, leather. He wasn't Baralai anymore; he was Kevran, Al Bhed extrodinaire.

A small bubble of laughter rose up in Baralai's throat. He didn't know who he was kidding. He would always answer to Baralai, he would always forget to respond to Kevran until someone grabbed him and said, "Hey, I'm talking to YOU!" He would always feel uncomfortable in the leather, stand out with the hair and eyes. And he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to correctly use Al Bhed. And that wasn't even mentioning his complete and utter lack of knowledge when it came to machina. What kind of Al Bhed could barely speak their own language, and knew nothing about their trade?

Baralai bit his bottom lip nervously. He suddenly felt like it was a terrible idea, one that he would grow to regret severely. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing there anymore. It all seemed like it had happened eons ago. Perhaps it was all a dream, a terrible attempt at freedom and respect.

All and all, he felt like a scared child. He had run from everything and everyone like a coward, not bothering to just take a stand and say quite firmly, "No more!". Baralai couldn't help it, though. He had never been one for confrontations. He had tried, in his own subtle ways, to let everyone know that they were killing them. Hell, sometimes, as in Gippal's case, he had just come right out and said, "Stop it.", but, the minute the babying treatment resumed, Baralai just gave up entirely, submitting like a weakling.

He sighed again and wearily lowered his head into his hands. Baralai had always been a weakling, a sucker for compromises and outlets. He had only been able to control New Yevon because he had had millions of people backing him all the way, advisors whispering in his ear. He had convinced Seymour Guado to take him under his wing and, for a time, he had felt powerful.

His encounter with Shuyin had changed all of that. His newfound strength and power quickly vanished from him, leaving him back to where he started, weak and miserable.

Baralai's emotions flared slightly at the thought of Shuyin. The dream that would not end. 'Nightmare, more like it.' Baralai thought wryly to himself. Hadn't Shuyin told everyone he had chosen Baralai because of his weakness? In that one moment, standing there with Nooj and Gippal, his weaknesses had dominated him, allowing Shuyin quite easy access into his body and soul.

Baralai felt a lot of guilt over what had happened, but he felt even more anger. He despised himself with a vengeance, for not being strong enough to resist, for allowing himself to become some mere puppet, for betraying everyone and anyone.

His head began to pound furiously. He had almost killed everyone, yet all of his friends had tried to take care of him, tried to keep him safe, never once wondering about their own safety.

What was he doing here?

At that moment, Rikku bounced into the room, slamming the door behind her. "Oooh, that Cid! Thinks he's got control of everything and everyone!" She kicked the wall, muttering angrily to herself.

She looked over at Baralai and frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Hmm? Nothing's wrong." Baralai responded quickly.

She frowned again and walked over to him. "Don't lie to me, it's written all over your face." Nervousness suddenly graced her features. "You're not having second thoughts about this, are you?"

Was he? He wasn't sure anymore. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now it all seemed so childish to him, he wasn't sure whether or not he should laugh. "I..."

"If you're having second thoughts, I can have you back to Bevelle in ten seconds or less, but I want you to put a lot of thought into this, because I don't want you to regret it later." Rikku said, her face serious and grim.

Baralai's eyes met hers. He searched them desperately, looking for some sort of answer. He didn't rightfully know what to do. He missed Gippal, that was something he couldn't deny, but... he didn't know if he'd have the courage to go back and face him after just running away.

"If you go back now..." Rikku said softly, as if reading his mind. "They'll continue to treat you the same way... Baralai, you say you want to be treated like a grown and capable adult, then act like it... stand up and follow through with your decision... don't go crawling back until you've given it a good chance..."

Baralai wanted to get up and hug the girl. She was right, she was absolutely right. He couldn't say something and then not follow through, not if he ever wanted to be treated normally by anyone again. Going back now would just prove that Baralai was weak, that he couldn't survive on his own and, most of all, that was the last thing he wanted.

He smiled softly at Rikku, marveling at how she could be so childish and silly one moment, then so wise the next. "Thank you."

Rikku waved her hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah. Now, come on, enough talk! Let's get back to that Al Bhed, huh?"

Baralai rolled his eyes and groaned, "But... do I have to?" He asked in a fake whiny voice.


Rikku swatted at him and laughed, "Yes, you do, Mr. Kevran!"

-

-

Author's Notes: A rather short chapter, I know. Unfortunately, it was about all my muses would give me at the moment. They're clamoring for me to work on other fictions, so I did my best. I do hope you all enjoy it, though, and countless thanks for all of the reviews I have gotten thus far!

And, just to clear something up, I know that Kevran was not the name of the person who died during the attack at Home that Rikku acknowledged, but she was Al Bhed and a well-known one at that and I am sure she had many friends who died there, so who knows? Perhaps one of those was named Kevran. Personally, I didn't want to use the name Keyakou, because it didn't seem to fit Baralai quite so well. ^^

Many thanks to Ocean-eyed Songstress for reading over this for me and letting me know the shortness was fine and to Zencreation for beta-reading it!