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But I Can't....

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Baralai got out of the bathtub, wrapping a towel around his waist as he padded barefoot across the rather spacious bathroom and into his bedroom. His entire body ached from weeks of hard labor and he was consumed with exhaustion. Rikku had been right, though. A nice, warm bath had made him feel a lot better. It had also made him a lot sleepier, which was something he really didn't need as he had already been exhausted beyond belief.

The black-haired youth sighed to himself as he opened the first drawer in his dresser, grabbing the first clean pair of boxers he saw, not caring which ones they were. He tossed them on the bed and then opened the second drawer, this time grabbing a plain white t-shirt, which also went on the bed. He then proceeded to unwrap the towel from around his waist and dry himself as quickly and effectively as possible. The cool air felt colder against his warm skin, making him shiver and wish he could crawl under the blankets without having to bother to get dressed. Baralai had never been one for sleeping nude, though; he had always been too self-conscious.

Baralai quickly tossed the towel on the floor when he was done, making a mental note to pick it up in the morning before he left for work. The youth walked over to the bed and grabbed the boxers, sliding them up his hips, before grabbing the shirt, putting it on without much effort.

He ran a finger through his still wet hair as he sat down on the bed, sighing again as his muscles protested the movement. He hadn't realised being an Al Bhed meant so much work. 'No wonder they're always so sour and so serious...' Baralai thought to himself as he crawled under the blankets and reached over to the nightstand, turning off the light. 'That kind of work for weeks upon weeks would make even a priest cranky.'

Baralai closed his eyes; his mind and body relaxing instantly. He was asleep within moments.

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"Still a weakling?"

"Huh?" Baralai opened his eyes, squinting immediately to see within the darkness. "Who's there?" He asked suspiciously, feeling a tad nervous.

"Give it a rest, would you? Who do you think it is?"

Baralai sighed to himself, a feeling of slight resignation coming over him. "You. You haven't bothered me in weeks, I was hoping you had decided to leave me alone."

Quiet, amused laughter. "Leave you alone? How could I? You know you're one of my favourite persons in the whole wide world."

Baralai snorted. "I highly doubt that." His eyes narrowed, more out of habit than anything. "What do you want from me?"

"I want to know what you think you're doing."

The youth's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean? What am I doing as to what?"

"This." Came the reply. "Running away, acting like one of those Al Bhed. Do you really think you can fool anyone?"

Baralai's eyes narrowed again, this time in indignant annoyance. "I didn't run away. They pushed me away."

"Did they?" The tone was amused. "Or was your weakness simply too much for you to bear?"

"I'm not weak!"

Again with the laughter. "Oh, yes, yes, you are. And you know you are too. Rather than facing your fears, rather than facing your friends, you ran. You fled as fast as you could-"

"I did no such thing!" Baralai cried, his hands unknowingly curling into fists. "I tried to talk to them! I tried! But they wouldn't listen! They wouldn't stop babying me, so they left me with no choice!"

The ghost was silent for a moment, before speaking again. "You left yourself with no choice. You never let them see how much it was really bothering you. Yes, you told them, but you didn't put conviction behind your words, you didn't let it stick. You wrote it off yourself as just another day, another misstep, so they did too. They had no idea of the seriousness of the situation because you gave them no idea. And then you just took off. Without a word to anyone. What about your lover? Did you think of him? I imagine he's hurting right now. I imagine he's confused, and that he misses you and I bet he's out searching for you right now. Tell me, do you think-"

"Don't you ever stop?!" Baralai snapped, his violet eyes flashing angrily. "I know what I did! I know that I've hurt him, that I've hurt my friends! Don't think for one minute that I don't know!"

A pause. "Ah. A selfish weakling. How interesting."

Baralai bit at his lip, the anger washing over him as he glared meaninglessly at the ground. "I did what I had to do." He said evenly, his teeth gritted as he spoke.

"So you keep telling me." Was the weary reply. "But what are you going to do now? Are you going to continue hiding? Or will the little boy eventually come out and face the music?"

The Ex-Praetor sighed, some of the anger draining from him as he considered the ghosts' words. "I don't know... I'm just... I'm not ready right now... I can't... I can't describe what's going on... for the first time in my life... no one expects anything of me... I don't have to uphold some false image, I don't have to keep everyone happy and give them hope for the future... the only thing I have to do is be to work at time and go to bed at a decent hour..."

"So all along, you've just wanted to be a nobody?" The voice was curious now, intrigued.

"I guess..." Baralai whispered quietly, his shoulders slumping.

"And, in order to become this great nobody that you adore so, you had to run away and abandon everyone in the process?"

Baralai shook his head slightly, his eyes still averted to the ground. "I didn't... I didn't want to run away from anyone. But... they wouldn't listen... maybe I could have made it clearer to them, maybe I could have let them know how serious it really was and how much it was bothering me... but... a part of me felt... that they should already have known... and I was so tired of having to explain everything to everyone!" Baralai's eyes flashed again as he raised his head, glaring angrily out at the darkness. "Why did I have to tell them?! I thought it was obvious! You never saw me jumping for joy when they treated me like some fragile kid! You never saw me smile about it or thank them! My displeasure was obvious, but they didn't pay attention! They didn't care! And they wouldn't..." Baralai paused, wrapping his arms around himself as a sudden chill overcame him as his voice grew quiet again. "They wouldn't stop... I just wanted them to stop..."

"So you left?"

"Yes..." Baralai replied, his voice barely audible. "I left..."

Laughter filled the room suddenly. "Perhaps the weakling isn't so weak then! I tell you, Baralai, sometimes you really surprise me!"

Baralai looked out into the darkness, his brows furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You say you left them because they wouldn't stop, because they didn't notice, because they weren't paying attention. Perhaps yours was not the strongest of routes, but you've certainly changed from the spineless coward I used to know."

"You can thank yourself for that..." Baralai said, his voice only halfway bitter.

The ghost laughed again. "Well, I suppose you're right. But what are you going to do? Will you find the strength to continue with your disappearing act, or do you think you shall cave in and run back to them with open arms?"

"I've made it this far, haven't I?" Baralai asked sullenly.

"Indeed you have, but I know you, Baralai. I know how your mind works, how you work. The more time passes, the more you miss them, the more you want to see them, to speak to them. The more time passes, the more you want to run back." A momentary pause. "Am I right or what?"

"So what if I miss them..." The youth said quietly, his eyes clouded with both thought and emotion. "Yeah, it gets harder and harder... I keep wanting to just run back to Bevelle, to tell everyone every little thing that happens day to day, but... I'm... I'm also learning how to live without them... I'm finally learning how to live and survive on my own..."

"On your own?" The ghost laughed again. "That's rich! What happened to the little Al Bhed girl? The one upon whom you were leaning so desperately?"

"Rikku helps me out, but she also makes me work for myself... she never gives me answers, just helps me see a possible solution..."

"Ah, well then, good for you. The weakling attempting to become not so weak. I'm wishing you well on your journey."

"....." Baralai had no reply for the ghosts' words. He had heard the humour and cruelty behind them.

"I trust I shall see you again in a few weeks. We'll see how you fare then, whether or not you're still walking so tally and spouting your nonsense. Until then, take care of yourself."

"......"

"Always were a speaker, Baralai." The voice said humorously as everything began to grow dull and dim around Baralai. "Always were a speaker."

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Gippal stared sourly at his reflection in the water, his head pounding from sleep deprivation. It had been four weeks since his lover had vanished. Four weeks, and he was still no closer to finding Baralai than he had been the night the youth had vanished.

The blonde sighed, looking away from the water as he scanned his surroundings. It was the first time in at least two weeks that he had left Bevelle. He stayed there as much as possible, in case, by some miracle, Baralai came back.

Right now he was at the Island of Besaid. Yuna had bugged him and bugged him until he had agreed to come, stating that perhaps the fresh air would do him some good. 'Yeah, right...'

Gippal watched the Besaid Aurochs practice for a few more minutes before standing up and wiping the sand off of his pants. He shot another look back at the ocean and slowly began the trek back to the village.

The Al Bhed youth was glad that there were fewer fiends around these days. Fighting with those things always gave him headaches and he was giving himself a headache just fine without any outside help. He wondered silently to himself why the fiends were getting less and less in numbers, but then quickly summed it up to having something to do with there being peace in the world. 'Well, not complete peace... there'll always be disagreements and arguments, but at least this time no one's threatening to destroy the world...' He thought wryly to himself as he began his descent down a long and winding path that would take him back to the village.

When he arrived at the village he paused at the gates, taking a brief look around to see who was out and about. His eyes landed almost immediately on a small, bouncy form.

Gippal smiled half-heartedly to himself as he recognized Rikku standing there with Yuna, talking about something or another. The youth paused only for a moment before walking over to join the pair.

"Well, well, if it isn't Cid's girl." He said, his voice full of amusement and teasing.

"How many times have I told you that that's not my name and I-"Rikku suddenly stopped in her usual scolding as she turned to face the blonde Al Bhed, her eyes widening slightly.

"You look surprised to see me, kiddo." Gippal said easily, crossing his arms over his chest as he spoke.

"Erh.... Uh... yeah! I didn't expect to see you here!" Rikku stuttered for a moment, before composing herself.

"That doesn't look like happiness to see me." Gippal replied, raising an eyebrow at the girls' odd behaviour.

"Hmph! As if anyone would be happy to see you!" Rikku cried, flipping her hair over her shoulder in a dismissive way.

Yuna broke in, giggling softly. "I asked Gippal to come here for a couple of days." Yuna's gaze turned serious and a tad sad, as she continued speaking. "He's been running himself sick." She shot him a mock angry look before turning to Rikku. "Speaking of, have you seen Baralai or heard anything of him?"

Rikku began to hop from standing on one foot to the other as she pushed the braids out of her face. "Why would I have seen him?"

Yuna shrugged slightly. "I don't know. I'm just asking anyone and everyone. We have no idea where he could have gone to."

"And we've looked everywhere." Gippal added quietly, biting at his lip.

"Eh, heh, heh, heh." Rikku stared at them both for a moment, completely forgetting about her little hopping game, before she lost her footing and fell to the ground with a loud thump, landing on her butt.

The girl grinned in embarrassment as Yuna helped her up, dusting off her legs. "Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere, right? I mean, he couldn't have just disappeared!"

"I'm beginning to wonder if he didn't..." Gippal said sadly, wondering about the girls' strange behaviour, but marking it off as just Rikku being Rikku.

"Aaah, I'm sure he's somewhere or another. And," She added, looking pointedly at Gippal. "I'm sure he's safe too. Baralai's a big boy; he can take care of himself. He promised just wanted some time to himself to think and what not. I'm sure he'll be back."

Yuna furrowed her brows, listening intently. "Why are you so sure he'll come back?" She asked, studying the blonde carefully.

Rikku turned to her friend, an eyebrow raised. "I'm just saying that I believe he will come back. I mean, come on! You guys mean the world to him, especially you, Gippal." She said, turning and looking at the youth in question. "Besides, Baralai just wouldn't disappear forever." She grinned. "It's not his style. He's like the plague. He always comes back!"

Yuna laughed quietly, shaking her head at her silly friend. "I hope you're right, Rikku..." She said quietly after a few moments of silence.

'I hope she is too...' Gippal thought to himself as he said his good-byes and headed back to the Inn, hopefully for a nice, long nap. 'I really hope she's right...'

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"Risey! Wake and shiny!"

Baralai groaned to himself, immediately grabbing his pillow and stuffing it over his head, trying to block out both the light from the sun and the annoying voice that kept speaking to him in the most annoying of tons.

"C'mon, you jerk! Get up!"

"Don'twannagetup." Baralai mumbled, pushing the pillow further down on his head.

"Too bad!" Came the cheerful reply as the pillow was ripped from his grasp and chunked on the floor.

Baralai opened his eyes slowly and glared up at the perky blonde before him. "I thought you were gone." He mumbled, his eyes closing once more.

"Yeah, yeah, I was." Rikku said, bouncing slightly as she waved a hand dismissively. "But now I'm back and ready for action!"

Baralai groaned as he flipped onto his back, still glaring at the girl. "What's that gotta do with me? I still have-"He looked over at his clock and groaned again.

"Yeah, I know. You overslept!" Rikku waved a finger at him accusingly. "Baaad Kevran, baaadd!"

Baralai groaned again and forced himself to sit up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "I'm up, I'm up."

"You better be! We've got lots of work to do!" Rikku grinned evilly. "Pops thinks he found some kind of ancient machina buried beneath the sand today! Guess what we get to dig up?!"

Baralai glared hatefully at the girl and sunk back down on the bed, his body and mind still tired and sore. 'It never stops, it never stops... aaggh, I hate being Al Bhed...'

"I'm gonna go now, but you better get your butt up and get dressed!" Rikku cried out cheerfully, walking to the door.

"Hey..."

Rikku paused and looked back at Baralai, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. "What?"

"Why'd you come back so early? I thought you were gonna be gone for another three or four days." Baralai asked quietly, becoming more and more alert as the minutes passed by.

"Yeah, yeah, that." Rikku bit at her lip. "Um, they were asking about you." She frowned for a moment before shooting Baralai a brilliant grin. "Not to worry, you are safe!" She frowned slightly again. "I just didn't like the way Gippal and Yuna kept looking at me. Like they knew I was lying or something..."

"Gippal was there?!" Baralai sat up instantly.

"Yeah." Rikku replied, tilting her head to the side. "Yuna said he needed to get out of Bevelle, so she badgered him until he agreed to stay at the Island for a few days."

"How-"Baralai paused, biting at his lip before he continued. "How was he?"

Rikku shrugged, not wanting to tell Baralai the truth, but not wanting to lie, either. "He's doing alright."

"Are you sure?" He asked quietly, peering up at her with his violet eyes.

"Yup, absolutely positive." She grinned again, turning the doorknob and swinging the door open. "He misses you, though."

"What'd you tell them?"

Rikku shrugged again. "Just that I was sure you would come back, that you probably needed time to yourself and that you were more than likely fine."

Baralai frowned. "And what'd they say?"

"They wanted to know how I was so sure." Rikku stuck her tongue out at Baralai. "I said it was because you were like the plague, you always came back."

Baralai laughed quietly, throwing his other pillow at Rikku as she closed the door, narrowly avoiding the shot.

The black-haired youth lied back in his bed, trying to put off getting up as long as possible. 'I wonder if Rikku was lying to me about Gippal...?' He sighed to himself, staring up at the ceiling. 'I really hope he's doing okay... I hope he's not worrying... too much...'

After a few moments Baralai got up and began to get dressed, already dreading what he knew was going to be a long and tiring day, just as almost all of his days were. The dream he had had was lodged in the back of his mind, taunting and teasing him. He could ignore it, though, at least for now. He was always able to ignore Shuyin's words for at least a few hours afterwards.

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Author's Notes: Ha! It's a new chapter! X.x;; I'm sorry I've taken so long on writing. My muses abandoned me and I didn't really have any free time. Now, thanks to some change of plans, I have tons of free time and my muses, amazingly!, have returned and are finally willing to work with me. I promise to update the rest of my stories as soon as possible, I've already begun working on a few of them. –coughs- Anyways, thanks for all the reviews, guys! I hope you all are still reading this story and haven't given up on me completely. X.x;; I noticed we now have a FFX-2 section on , so I moved it to that category.

Enough rambling from me! It's time to get to work on the rest of my stories.

-dodges the army of Neon-Pink Flamingos and runs-