Title:
Author: Sara and Lizzie
Disclaimer: Meg is God. We borrowed it, don't sue.
Rating: Pg-13, with a possible change.
Summary: Several years after Jesse disappeared, Suze is living in San Francisco, finally leading the normal life she dreamed of when she was a teenager. Until she returns to Carmel for a Fourth of July weekend that changes her life again.
"Maybe I'm not ready for this and you know it, maybe I'm too scared to tell you what I'm really thinking." -The Ataris
I hightailed it out of the office, and grabbed Gina's arm. "We gotta leave. Now."
Father Dominic stopped me. "I'm sure Jesse will have the frame of mind to stay in my office Susannah. What is wrong?"
I sighed. "Father D. What in the Hell is going on here?" Father Dom winced at my very loud and obnoxious use of the word Hell, but at this point I didn't care.
"I'm not entirely sure. Jesse is, obviously back, and obviously alive."
"Right. But why. And why two weeks before my wedding?" I practically screamed at him.
Father Dominic laughed. "Oh Susannah, Jesse will be upset at first of course, but there is no reason this should interfere with..." he trailed off, studying my face. "Oh."
I start pacing. "This is not happening." I turn to Gina. "Tell me this is not happening. What am I supposed to do?"
Gina is silent for a while. "It depends Suze. Which part don't you want to be happening? The part where Jesse comes back, or the part where you're engaged?"
I flick my eyes back between her and Father Dominic. Then I move my eyes to the office door, where I can see Jesse's dark hair through the crack it's open.
"We gotta go."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~**~*~*~*~*~*
Several hours later, I was in my old bed, in my old room, tossing and turning, and getting twisted up in the sheets, trying to fool myself into thinking I could actually get to sleep.
I got out of my bed, and plopped down on the windowsill. It was hot, but the air conditioning wasn't on, and there was a warm breeze coming in through the window.
And Jesse was back. I closed my eyes, and I could practically still feel his lips on mine. The glory of that moment was tainted by the incredible guilt I felt. I twisted my engagement ring around my finger. I tried to picture Alex in my minds eye, but Jesse consumed that space.
It scared me to think about how much I wanted Jesse, and how much I didn't trust myself to be around him. I got up and started pacing again, a restless feeling creeping up my legs. My emotions were too big for this room, this house. I had to get out. I quickly replaced my pajama pants with jeans, grabbed my car keys and left.
I hated all the running I was doing. Susannah Simon does not run. But I ran from Jesse, and now I'm running from my room. I finally realized where I was taking myself. This place on the beach, at the very edge of Carmel, where Jesse and I used to go. The lights of the tourist town are behind you, and all you can see is ocean.
I parked my car at the far edge of the parking lot and walked down the sand. I plopped down in it, a few yards away from where the tide was coming in. I just sat there and for the hundredth time that night thought over the shock and ridiculousness of the situation. I was so caught up in my angst, that I didn't hear his footsteps, until he was right beside me.
"I thought I might find you here." Said Jesse sitting down. I said nothing. "Tell me about Alex."
"He's a lawyer. I met him in college."
"But what is he like?"
"We can't do this Jesse. We can't just sit here and make small talk like you've been on vacation for seven years."
He looks into my eyes, and I get chills down my spine. Seven years, and those chills wont go away. He looks away. "Susannah, I'm sorry. I know this is all wrong, but you must believe me querida, I never wanted to leave you."
"I know." I whisper. "But you did leave. And it hurt Jesse. I was so hurt, I didn't know if I would ever feel ok again."
He looks pained to this, and I almost wish I hadn't said it. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I've come back, but I had no choice in the matter."
I almost laughed. "Don't be ridiculous Jesse. I'm not upset that your back, it's just." I can't even finish a sentence.
He looks at me again. This time, I'm the one that looks away. Because I can't even try to deny the fact that looking in his eyes, I see everything I've always wanted. But he won't stand for my attempted denial. He touches my face and tips it toward his.
"Susannah. I love you. I must say that I have loved you since you came here. There's a reason I am alive querida, and although I don't know what it is yet, I think I have a hunch."
I can't say anything. A single tear slides down my cheek, but Jesse brushes it away. "I understand you are committed to another man Susannah, and if you can look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love me too, I will go. But if you cant say that, I'm afraid my heart will keep me near you."
By this time, I'm desperately trying to breathe. For a few minutes, I was going to try and tell him I didn't love him, but that would have been the biggest, most outrageous lie I'd ever told. Because I did love him. I hadn't stopped when he left. I could deny it all I wanted but the truth was I could ever love anyone like I loved Jesse, and now that he was back, I couldn't even pretend that I could.
I stared into his inky eyes. "I can't say that." I finally managed to choke out.
Jesse smiled. "Then I can't leave Susannah. I lost you once. Not again querida, not again."
I fought all temptation to fall into his arms and tell him I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I was engaged. I had to honor that. There couldn't be a me and Jesse.
"I'm getting married Jesse." I whispered. "I'm marrying Alex."
"Susannah, I."
"No, Jesse. I can't run away from this. I don't know much about this world, but I do know that if you don't keep your promises, you can't keep anything."
"Do you love him?"
I wanted to scream. I wanted to run into the ocean and stay there until this all went away. Instead, I returned to what was quickly becoming my mantra. "I gotta go."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jesse's POV
She ran. Again. She left me sitting on the beach, alone.
She told me she was going to marry him, and it cut like knives, but I was not giving up. Maybe I had pushed her too far. She wasn't ready to have this talk.
But she still loved me. And I wasn't going anywhere. Susannah still thought she had everything under control. Still thought she knew what she really needed.
And maybe she does. But I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever.
Author: Sara and Lizzie
Disclaimer: Meg is God. We borrowed it, don't sue.
Rating: Pg-13, with a possible change.
Summary: Several years after Jesse disappeared, Suze is living in San Francisco, finally leading the normal life she dreamed of when she was a teenager. Until she returns to Carmel for a Fourth of July weekend that changes her life again.
"Maybe I'm not ready for this and you know it, maybe I'm too scared to tell you what I'm really thinking." -The Ataris
I hightailed it out of the office, and grabbed Gina's arm. "We gotta leave. Now."
Father Dominic stopped me. "I'm sure Jesse will have the frame of mind to stay in my office Susannah. What is wrong?"
I sighed. "Father D. What in the Hell is going on here?" Father Dom winced at my very loud and obnoxious use of the word Hell, but at this point I didn't care.
"I'm not entirely sure. Jesse is, obviously back, and obviously alive."
"Right. But why. And why two weeks before my wedding?" I practically screamed at him.
Father Dominic laughed. "Oh Susannah, Jesse will be upset at first of course, but there is no reason this should interfere with..." he trailed off, studying my face. "Oh."
I start pacing. "This is not happening." I turn to Gina. "Tell me this is not happening. What am I supposed to do?"
Gina is silent for a while. "It depends Suze. Which part don't you want to be happening? The part where Jesse comes back, or the part where you're engaged?"
I flick my eyes back between her and Father Dominic. Then I move my eyes to the office door, where I can see Jesse's dark hair through the crack it's open.
"We gotta go."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~**~*~*~*~*~*
Several hours later, I was in my old bed, in my old room, tossing and turning, and getting twisted up in the sheets, trying to fool myself into thinking I could actually get to sleep.
I got out of my bed, and plopped down on the windowsill. It was hot, but the air conditioning wasn't on, and there was a warm breeze coming in through the window.
And Jesse was back. I closed my eyes, and I could practically still feel his lips on mine. The glory of that moment was tainted by the incredible guilt I felt. I twisted my engagement ring around my finger. I tried to picture Alex in my minds eye, but Jesse consumed that space.
It scared me to think about how much I wanted Jesse, and how much I didn't trust myself to be around him. I got up and started pacing again, a restless feeling creeping up my legs. My emotions were too big for this room, this house. I had to get out. I quickly replaced my pajama pants with jeans, grabbed my car keys and left.
I hated all the running I was doing. Susannah Simon does not run. But I ran from Jesse, and now I'm running from my room. I finally realized where I was taking myself. This place on the beach, at the very edge of Carmel, where Jesse and I used to go. The lights of the tourist town are behind you, and all you can see is ocean.
I parked my car at the far edge of the parking lot and walked down the sand. I plopped down in it, a few yards away from where the tide was coming in. I just sat there and for the hundredth time that night thought over the shock and ridiculousness of the situation. I was so caught up in my angst, that I didn't hear his footsteps, until he was right beside me.
"I thought I might find you here." Said Jesse sitting down. I said nothing. "Tell me about Alex."
"He's a lawyer. I met him in college."
"But what is he like?"
"We can't do this Jesse. We can't just sit here and make small talk like you've been on vacation for seven years."
He looks into my eyes, and I get chills down my spine. Seven years, and those chills wont go away. He looks away. "Susannah, I'm sorry. I know this is all wrong, but you must believe me querida, I never wanted to leave you."
"I know." I whisper. "But you did leave. And it hurt Jesse. I was so hurt, I didn't know if I would ever feel ok again."
He looks pained to this, and I almost wish I hadn't said it. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I've come back, but I had no choice in the matter."
I almost laughed. "Don't be ridiculous Jesse. I'm not upset that your back, it's just." I can't even finish a sentence.
He looks at me again. This time, I'm the one that looks away. Because I can't even try to deny the fact that looking in his eyes, I see everything I've always wanted. But he won't stand for my attempted denial. He touches my face and tips it toward his.
"Susannah. I love you. I must say that I have loved you since you came here. There's a reason I am alive querida, and although I don't know what it is yet, I think I have a hunch."
I can't say anything. A single tear slides down my cheek, but Jesse brushes it away. "I understand you are committed to another man Susannah, and if you can look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love me too, I will go. But if you cant say that, I'm afraid my heart will keep me near you."
By this time, I'm desperately trying to breathe. For a few minutes, I was going to try and tell him I didn't love him, but that would have been the biggest, most outrageous lie I'd ever told. Because I did love him. I hadn't stopped when he left. I could deny it all I wanted but the truth was I could ever love anyone like I loved Jesse, and now that he was back, I couldn't even pretend that I could.
I stared into his inky eyes. "I can't say that." I finally managed to choke out.
Jesse smiled. "Then I can't leave Susannah. I lost you once. Not again querida, not again."
I fought all temptation to fall into his arms and tell him I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I was engaged. I had to honor that. There couldn't be a me and Jesse.
"I'm getting married Jesse." I whispered. "I'm marrying Alex."
"Susannah, I."
"No, Jesse. I can't run away from this. I don't know much about this world, but I do know that if you don't keep your promises, you can't keep anything."
"Do you love him?"
I wanted to scream. I wanted to run into the ocean and stay there until this all went away. Instead, I returned to what was quickly becoming my mantra. "I gotta go."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jesse's POV
She ran. Again. She left me sitting on the beach, alone.
She told me she was going to marry him, and it cut like knives, but I was not giving up. Maybe I had pushed her too far. She wasn't ready to have this talk.
But she still loved me. And I wasn't going anywhere. Susannah still thought she had everything under control. Still thought she knew what she really needed.
And maybe she does. But I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever.