Darkest Before Dawn
She found him sobbing. Alone and in the dark. She found him on the floor, curled up into a ball and rocking back and forth. A wordless moan that spoke of deep pain, torment, and loss coming from him. His eyes unseeing and his breath coming out in raw shallow gasps.
She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to make his pain stop. She didn't know how to make the tortured dreams end. She didn't know how to pick up the shattered pieces of his hopes and dreams. She was helpless and afraid.
If there were a way to ease his pain, to ease the misery of his life she would do it. She would tear apart the world to make his pain stop, to make him smile, and to make him laugh. She held back her own tears and clenched her fists in frustration and helplessness.
She could do nothing to ease the pain in him. All she could do was be there for him. To soak up the pain and carry on. There was just so much. So much pain, torment, and so much loss. She had to be the one who carried them both, the one who shouldered the terrible burden.
The physical wounds had begun to heal and she knew that they hurt him dearly, but he never cried out in pain for that. For the terrible scars that crossed his body, no tears of pain were shed. It was the pain for surviving, the pain of loss, and an unknown guilt that tormented his mind.
"Shhh...I'm here, Harry. I'm here. I'll always be here." Ginny murmured to him, holding his head upon her lap. She stroked his sweat- slicked head, brushing the untidy hair out of his face. He was so cold. "We'll get through this. We'll get through this and we'll be happy again. Shhh...I'm here, Harry."
"I killed him."
"What?" Ginny asked, looking into his eyes. They were unfocused, not seeing her or anything. "What is it, Harry?"
"I killed him." Harry began sobbing again, he clutched tightly to Ginny.
"Shhh... I'm here, Harry." Ginny said soothingly.
"I couldn't stop him. I couldn't fight back. I tried. Oh, god. He was so strong." His eyes flickered open and he stared into here eyes. Ginny felt a moment of fear, a moment of dread as she saw the madness in his eyes.
Did it finally happen? She thought. Has he finally let go? She clung to him. "It's okay, Harry. Nothing's wrong." She said.
"I killed him." He repeated, horror and pain in his voice. "I tried to fight back, but I killed him."
"Shhh...don't worry, Harry. Nothing's going to happen to you. You're safe here." Ginny said..
He wasn't making sense. His words were incoherent and meaningless. It was the dreams. Ginny determined. Every night his mind was racked by the horror that he had witnessed, the pain of seeing all that he loved killed and murdered. She shook her head, feeling exhausted and a bone aching weariness.
How much more could she take? How much more pain could she bear to witness? How much longer could she stand the suffocating weight of despair that flooded off of him like a tidal wave. She wanted to be the rock that weathered the storm of his misery; instead she felt herself being worn away bit by bit.
She never knew a person could feel so much pain; so much hurt and still continue living. She didn't know how much more she could take before she too was washed away in the flood of his pain.
"Everything will be alright." She said. But would it? Would everything be all right again? Would anything be as it was? The world was empty of a generation of witches and wizards; the wizarding world had been dealt a terrible blow. Would things ever get better, was this all that was left for them. To mourn the dead and relive pain that would never go away?
She harshly pushed away the thoughts. Things would get better. The sun would shine, the birds would sing, and Harry would be happy again. They had to. If they didn't then what was the point of living at all? Why be tormented with this endless pain? She shook her head. She couldn't...wouldn't dwell on these thoughts. They only led to despair and more pain.
"How can I help you, Harry? How can I take all this pain from you? How can I make you feel the joy and happiness that you once knew. The world it out there, it's alive and living." She gently stroked his hair. She felt tears welling up, but she clenched her eyes tightly. She would not cry for her own misery. "How?"
"I'm sorry, Ginny. I'm sorry." Harry whispered.
Ginny opened her eyes. Harry looked up at her; his once bright emerald eyes were dimmed. They were unclouded, but it seemed they had lost their brilliance. Like a worn piece of jade.
"What are you sorry about, Harry?" Ginny asked softly.
"I'm sorry. I tried to fight...I tried to fight the Imperius Curse, but he was so strong." Harry clenched his eyes shut. He let out a half choke, half sob. "I tried to fight back. He was so strong..." His voice faded and his eyes began to close.
"There's nothing to worry about, Harry." Ginny said.
"He was my best friend...and I killed him." Harry said suddenly. His eyes opened wide, clouded and unseeing.
"What?" She couldn't breath, she didn't move. Her whole body frozen with what had been said.
"I killed him. My wand, my words." Sobs cut off his words. "I should have fought harder, I should have tried harder. I should have thrown off the Curse. I...I killed him."
"Who did you kill, Harry?" She dared to ask, though a dread began to seep through her.
"I killed Ron. I watched him die. And Voldemort laughed."
There was a roaring sound that filled Ginny's ears. She let out a strangled gasp. Old wounds seemed to become anew, half healed scars cracked and bled. Something seemed to snap within her, a break in the dam of her emotions. A crashing wall of pain and hurt stormed through her, a scouring fire that burned all other emotions out of her, leaving only pain, misery, and loss in its wake.
She let out a keening cry, a shriek of terrible emotions that finally found a release within her. She clamored to stop the flood, to stem the flow of raw emotions that would sweep her away. It felt like a terrible darkness descended upon her, suffocating and oppressive, but also frighteningly releasing.
She could let go. She could allow herself to be washed away in the flood of pain. To feel nothing anymore. It was so tempting. She only had to let go.
She felt strong arms gripping her, a soft voice calling to her. Don't let go. I'm right here, I'll hold on to you, no matter how long it takes. I'll be here for you. Don't go, please. Don't leave me alone.
She clawed her way back. The darkness that engulfed her was crushing and overpowering, but she fought and she struggled against it. She broke its clutching bonds and felt the tears warm as blood upon her face. She opened her eyes to see Harry's face above her, his eyes shedding tears of fear and desperation.
"I'm sorry, Ginny. I'm sorry to do this to you. I'm sorry to make you hurt. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. But please don't leave. Please don't let go." His voice was thick and hoarse. "I won't let you go."
"I'm here, Harry." Ginny said.
His eyes snapped opened. Relief flooded his eyes, bringing life to his cadaverous features. "Oh, God. Oh, Ginny!" He cried, holding her tightly.
"Everything's fine, Harry." Ginny said, holding him as tightly as he held her. "There's nothing to fear now. There's nothing to fear."
"I'm sorry." He said. "I'm so sorry."
"There was nothing you could do. He was stronger than we ever knew. It was not your fault. It was his. His evil killed them all and his evil destroyed everything. Nothing was your fault. We all fought as hard as we could, we all did all that we could. There's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to remorse over." Ginny sat, up, taking Harry's hand into her's. He didn't meet her eyes, though his shoulders still shook and tears still fell silently upon the cold marble floors. "Ron fought. He fought against this terrible evil and he gave his life to buy a future for countless others."
A new strength seemed to fill her. Like a flower feeling the touch of the sun, something seemed to arise and blossom. She didn't know what it was, she didn't know why it felt so, but she knew it was a new beginning. She still felt the pain, the terrible aching pain for all those that she had lost. It was a vast darkness that seemed to hover over her shoulders, that threaten to consume her, but before her shone a bright light. A burning star that would wash away the darkness. All she had to do was reach out and grasp it.
"It was not you, nor your actions that killed Ron. It was Voldemort, it was his evil. We are all victims of his evil. We who survive must carry that burden, but we can't let it consume us. We need to go on. You don't have to feel guilt or suffer, Harry. There's nothing to forgive."
"I betrayed him. He died from my hands. How could I ever be forgiven for that?" Harry said.
"Ron loved you, Harry. You were a brother to him. He would never blame you for his death; he would never hold it against you. You were taken control of. It was not your will and your intentions that killed him, it was Voldemort's. He would never want you to destroy your life with the guilt of surviving. He would want you to live. To be happy."
"How can I ever be happy?" For a moment Ginny thought it was a sarcastic remark. But there was no bitterness in his voice; there was no fear or pain. It was a simple question. A plea for help and a grasp for the light.
"We can be happy, Harry. We can start new lives. We can rebuild and begin anew. We can be happy...together."
It was like seeing the sun rise, a burst of light that pierced the darkness. A dazzling light on the horizon that pushed back all the shadows. An infusion of hope, that seemed to bring life to all that was thought to be dead.
"Together?" Harry said, wonder in his voice. "A new life...together."
"Yes, Harry." Ginny said. She held her breath and tentatively touched his hand.
"I would like that." His hands wrapped around hers and he clutched them tightly.
They held each other. Their tears mingling, but they were not tears of misery or pain. Instead they were tears of happiness and tears of release. The pain was still there for both, but it had receded. It was their burden, but now they could carry it easier. They held each other, each an anchor and each a stone mountain crying defiantly against the storm.
She found him sobbing. Alone and in the dark. She found him on the floor, curled up into a ball and rocking back and forth. A wordless moan that spoke of deep pain, torment, and loss coming from him. His eyes unseeing and his breath coming out in raw shallow gasps.
She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to make his pain stop. She didn't know how to make the tortured dreams end. She didn't know how to pick up the shattered pieces of his hopes and dreams. She was helpless and afraid.
If there were a way to ease his pain, to ease the misery of his life she would do it. She would tear apart the world to make his pain stop, to make him smile, and to make him laugh. She held back her own tears and clenched her fists in frustration and helplessness.
She could do nothing to ease the pain in him. All she could do was be there for him. To soak up the pain and carry on. There was just so much. So much pain, torment, and so much loss. She had to be the one who carried them both, the one who shouldered the terrible burden.
The physical wounds had begun to heal and she knew that they hurt him dearly, but he never cried out in pain for that. For the terrible scars that crossed his body, no tears of pain were shed. It was the pain for surviving, the pain of loss, and an unknown guilt that tormented his mind.
"Shhh...I'm here, Harry. I'm here. I'll always be here." Ginny murmured to him, holding his head upon her lap. She stroked his sweat- slicked head, brushing the untidy hair out of his face. He was so cold. "We'll get through this. We'll get through this and we'll be happy again. Shhh...I'm here, Harry."
"I killed him."
"What?" Ginny asked, looking into his eyes. They were unfocused, not seeing her or anything. "What is it, Harry?"
"I killed him." Harry began sobbing again, he clutched tightly to Ginny.
"Shhh... I'm here, Harry." Ginny said soothingly.
"I couldn't stop him. I couldn't fight back. I tried. Oh, god. He was so strong." His eyes flickered open and he stared into here eyes. Ginny felt a moment of fear, a moment of dread as she saw the madness in his eyes.
Did it finally happen? She thought. Has he finally let go? She clung to him. "It's okay, Harry. Nothing's wrong." She said.
"I killed him." He repeated, horror and pain in his voice. "I tried to fight back, but I killed him."
"Shhh...don't worry, Harry. Nothing's going to happen to you. You're safe here." Ginny said..
He wasn't making sense. His words were incoherent and meaningless. It was the dreams. Ginny determined. Every night his mind was racked by the horror that he had witnessed, the pain of seeing all that he loved killed and murdered. She shook her head, feeling exhausted and a bone aching weariness.
How much more could she take? How much more pain could she bear to witness? How much longer could she stand the suffocating weight of despair that flooded off of him like a tidal wave. She wanted to be the rock that weathered the storm of his misery; instead she felt herself being worn away bit by bit.
She never knew a person could feel so much pain; so much hurt and still continue living. She didn't know how much more she could take before she too was washed away in the flood of his pain.
"Everything will be alright." She said. But would it? Would everything be all right again? Would anything be as it was? The world was empty of a generation of witches and wizards; the wizarding world had been dealt a terrible blow. Would things ever get better, was this all that was left for them. To mourn the dead and relive pain that would never go away?
She harshly pushed away the thoughts. Things would get better. The sun would shine, the birds would sing, and Harry would be happy again. They had to. If they didn't then what was the point of living at all? Why be tormented with this endless pain? She shook her head. She couldn't...wouldn't dwell on these thoughts. They only led to despair and more pain.
"How can I help you, Harry? How can I take all this pain from you? How can I make you feel the joy and happiness that you once knew. The world it out there, it's alive and living." She gently stroked his hair. She felt tears welling up, but she clenched her eyes tightly. She would not cry for her own misery. "How?"
"I'm sorry, Ginny. I'm sorry." Harry whispered.
Ginny opened her eyes. Harry looked up at her; his once bright emerald eyes were dimmed. They were unclouded, but it seemed they had lost their brilliance. Like a worn piece of jade.
"What are you sorry about, Harry?" Ginny asked softly.
"I'm sorry. I tried to fight...I tried to fight the Imperius Curse, but he was so strong." Harry clenched his eyes shut. He let out a half choke, half sob. "I tried to fight back. He was so strong..." His voice faded and his eyes began to close.
"There's nothing to worry about, Harry." Ginny said.
"He was my best friend...and I killed him." Harry said suddenly. His eyes opened wide, clouded and unseeing.
"What?" She couldn't breath, she didn't move. Her whole body frozen with what had been said.
"I killed him. My wand, my words." Sobs cut off his words. "I should have fought harder, I should have tried harder. I should have thrown off the Curse. I...I killed him."
"Who did you kill, Harry?" She dared to ask, though a dread began to seep through her.
"I killed Ron. I watched him die. And Voldemort laughed."
There was a roaring sound that filled Ginny's ears. She let out a strangled gasp. Old wounds seemed to become anew, half healed scars cracked and bled. Something seemed to snap within her, a break in the dam of her emotions. A crashing wall of pain and hurt stormed through her, a scouring fire that burned all other emotions out of her, leaving only pain, misery, and loss in its wake.
She let out a keening cry, a shriek of terrible emotions that finally found a release within her. She clamored to stop the flood, to stem the flow of raw emotions that would sweep her away. It felt like a terrible darkness descended upon her, suffocating and oppressive, but also frighteningly releasing.
She could let go. She could allow herself to be washed away in the flood of pain. To feel nothing anymore. It was so tempting. She only had to let go.
She felt strong arms gripping her, a soft voice calling to her. Don't let go. I'm right here, I'll hold on to you, no matter how long it takes. I'll be here for you. Don't go, please. Don't leave me alone.
She clawed her way back. The darkness that engulfed her was crushing and overpowering, but she fought and she struggled against it. She broke its clutching bonds and felt the tears warm as blood upon her face. She opened her eyes to see Harry's face above her, his eyes shedding tears of fear and desperation.
"I'm sorry, Ginny. I'm sorry to do this to you. I'm sorry to make you hurt. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. But please don't leave. Please don't let go." His voice was thick and hoarse. "I won't let you go."
"I'm here, Harry." Ginny said.
His eyes snapped opened. Relief flooded his eyes, bringing life to his cadaverous features. "Oh, God. Oh, Ginny!" He cried, holding her tightly.
"Everything's fine, Harry." Ginny said, holding him as tightly as he held her. "There's nothing to fear now. There's nothing to fear."
"I'm sorry." He said. "I'm so sorry."
"There was nothing you could do. He was stronger than we ever knew. It was not your fault. It was his. His evil killed them all and his evil destroyed everything. Nothing was your fault. We all fought as hard as we could, we all did all that we could. There's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to remorse over." Ginny sat, up, taking Harry's hand into her's. He didn't meet her eyes, though his shoulders still shook and tears still fell silently upon the cold marble floors. "Ron fought. He fought against this terrible evil and he gave his life to buy a future for countless others."
A new strength seemed to fill her. Like a flower feeling the touch of the sun, something seemed to arise and blossom. She didn't know what it was, she didn't know why it felt so, but she knew it was a new beginning. She still felt the pain, the terrible aching pain for all those that she had lost. It was a vast darkness that seemed to hover over her shoulders, that threaten to consume her, but before her shone a bright light. A burning star that would wash away the darkness. All she had to do was reach out and grasp it.
"It was not you, nor your actions that killed Ron. It was Voldemort, it was his evil. We are all victims of his evil. We who survive must carry that burden, but we can't let it consume us. We need to go on. You don't have to feel guilt or suffer, Harry. There's nothing to forgive."
"I betrayed him. He died from my hands. How could I ever be forgiven for that?" Harry said.
"Ron loved you, Harry. You were a brother to him. He would never blame you for his death; he would never hold it against you. You were taken control of. It was not your will and your intentions that killed him, it was Voldemort's. He would never want you to destroy your life with the guilt of surviving. He would want you to live. To be happy."
"How can I ever be happy?" For a moment Ginny thought it was a sarcastic remark. But there was no bitterness in his voice; there was no fear or pain. It was a simple question. A plea for help and a grasp for the light.
"We can be happy, Harry. We can start new lives. We can rebuild and begin anew. We can be happy...together."
It was like seeing the sun rise, a burst of light that pierced the darkness. A dazzling light on the horizon that pushed back all the shadows. An infusion of hope, that seemed to bring life to all that was thought to be dead.
"Together?" Harry said, wonder in his voice. "A new life...together."
"Yes, Harry." Ginny said. She held her breath and tentatively touched his hand.
"I would like that." His hands wrapped around hers and he clutched them tightly.
They held each other. Their tears mingling, but they were not tears of misery or pain. Instead they were tears of happiness and tears of release. The pain was still there for both, but it had receded. It was their burden, but now they could carry it easier. They held each other, each an anchor and each a stone mountain crying defiantly against the storm.