Ryan misses Seth.
That's what it comes down to, really. The Death Cab, the omelet, the Playstation. He misses listening to Death Cab with Seth. He misses getting up early and grabbing breakfast with Seth. He misses sitting, talking, playing, being with Seth.
He misses the rambling. He misses the sarcasm. He misses laughing until his stomach hurts and his cheeks are sore. He misses Obscure Movie Night. He misses Seth/Ryan time.
It's not that he doesn't miss anything else in Newport. There's not a lot about Newport that he doesn't miss. Marissa, maybe, and that doesn't surprise him as much as he thinks it should. Not as much as the fact that it's Seth's face he wants to see, Seth's voice he wants to hear.
Seth that he's in love with.
The realization is not a lightning bolt, but a slow-moving storm front. He's been piecing together elements of longing, waiting for the rain.
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Ryan takes the stairs two at a time. His head is spinning, and he raises and lowers his fist three times before knocking softly.
When Seth opens the door, the first thing Ryan notices is the red tint in his cheeks and across the bridge of his nose. His hair is shorter, his curls almost gone, and he seems taller. There are circles under his eyes, and he's definitely thinner, but he's the most amazing thing Ryan has ever seen.
"Ryan. Wow. Hey. Hey!"
Seth pulls him into a quick hug before Ryan can even gets his hands out of his pockets, and he's relieved. The tightness in his chest loosens, and he takes a deep breath.
"Wow. What are you doing here? My parents aren't here, they're at my grandpa's house. I should call them, they'll be upset if they miss you." Seth turns and walks back inside the house and Ryan follows quickly, grabbing Seth's elbow.
"Seth."
It's the first time he's said his name aloud in three months. When he spoke with Kirsten and Sandy, he never asked before they offered information. He says it again, breathing the hiss. "Seth."
Seth turns, his eyes on Ryan's hand on his elbow. "Ry?"
Ryan moves his hand quickly, shoving it back into his pocket. "I just--can I talk to you for a minute?"
Seth's face changes, almost imperceptibly, and he takes a step back. "Will there be yelling? Because there's been a lot of yelling here at Casa Cohen lately, and I don't think I can take anymore. I've got quite enough assholes to last me the rest of my days, thanks."
Ryan's upper lip curls into a small smile, and he shakes his head. "No yelling."
Seth's shoulders loosen. "Okay, great. Wanna go into the living room? Or, you know, we can hang here in the foyer. Whatever."
Ryan walks wordlessly into the living room, and he hears Seth follow him. He sits down on the couch, and really, in all his planning on the drive up here, this was pretty much as far as he had gotten, because in every imaginary scenario he could come up with, Seth either slammed the door in his face, or there had been some mistake and Seth wasn't home, or Ryan couldn't see him. So he has no plan.
Seth sits beside him and turns towards him, frowning. "Are you okay?"
"I bought a Death Cab CD."
"Huh?"
Ryan smiles, at himself more than anything. "I bought a Death Cab CD. The Postal Service, too, actually. I missed your music."
Seth laughs, almost. "I thought you hated my music. You always make that face."
"I don't hate it. I just didn't get it. I get it now." Ryan leans back into the couch and pulls a pillow into his lap. He stares at the paused image on the television, and unconsciously reaches forward and picks up the controller.
"I can restart the game if you want. If you wanna play."
Ryan runs his fingers over the X, the O. The unbeatable combination. He smiles again. "I missed Playstation," he whispers.
"What?"
"I missed you." Ryan looks up quickly, because that isn't what he intended to say. He wanted to tell Seth about the Xbox and the omelet. He wanted Seth to understand that he was the core, that everything came back to him, and he wanted Seth to know what that meant without Ryan having to actually tell him, because it would be easier that way, and he just wanted something about this to be easy.
Seth's eyes crease at the edges, and he reaches out and takes the controller from Ryan. He sets it back on the coffee table, and stares at the screen. "I'm sorry."
Ryan clears his throat. "Me, too."
"Seth, I—" Ryan begins, just as Seth says "Ryan, I—" and they look at each other again, and Seth grins. Ryan's heart does a weird flip-flop thing, and he knows that if he doesn't tell Seth what he came all this way to tell him, he'll kick himself all the way back to Chino and well into the future, so he takes a deep breath and starts again.
"I missed you."
"You mentioned that." Seth pulls his leg onto the couch, and his shin is pressing against Ryan's thigh and Ryan closes his eyes for a second, enjoying the warmth. He reaches over and tugs a thread from the hem of Seth's pants, resting his hand on Seth's ankle.
Seth touches Ryan's wrist. "I missed you, too," he says quietly, trailing a fingertip across Ryan's wristbone before folding his hands in his lap. When Ryan looks up, Seth is watching him, his eyes still clouded. "I'm here now. I came home." Seth's voice is even, and Ryan knows that the rest of that sentence is I "When will you come home?" I But Seth won't ask, and Ryan is glad because he doesn't know the answer.
They sit in silence for a few minutes, Ryan never moving his hand. When Seth's need to fidget finally overtakes him, he shifts on the couch and starts to move his leg, but Ryan grabs his ankle. Seth freezes, arm on the back of the couch, and the both stare at Ryan's hand on his leg.
Ryan feels Seth's eyes move to his face, but he can't look away from his hand and Seth's ankle. Tears burn behind his eyes, and he closes them, biting the inside of his cheek.
Seth's fingertips on his temple are soft, barely there. Ryan squeezes his eyes closed, and the back of Seth's fingers brush against his cheek. He loosens his grip on Seth's ankle, resting his forearm on Seth's leg, and when Seth brushes the hair off his forehead, he leans into Seth's hand, his chest tightening."I missed you," he whispers again, eyes still closed.
Seth's leg shifts but doesn't move, and when Ryan opens his eyes, their noses are inches apart and Seth's eyes are glossy. He closes his eyes again quickly, moving his head forward slightly, and when their lips meet, Seth curls his fingers into Ryan's hair and Ryan digs his fingers into Seth's calf.