Grievance
Warnings: Post Order of the Phoenix, so spoilers ahoy! Also Slash. Don't like it, don't read it. I think that's all ...
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and related characters do not beling to me. Well do I look like I'm richer than the Queen to you? It belongs to J K Rowling, but you all know that. If they did belong to me, books four and five wouldn't have happened. Sirius and Remus would be together, Peter would be in Azkaban and Voldemort would be well and truly dead.
Mulder and Scully belongs to Catatonia. October and Imaginary belong to Evanescence. Song instead of a Kiss belongs to Alannah Myles.
Please do point out any mistakes in this information.
Thank yous to: Captain Hawk, the other half of BLACK CRYSTALL HAWK (which belongs to both of us. Please please please go READ & REVIEW some of our stuff. Please.) Thanks for beta-ing and perstering me to put this up.
I actually like this fic. I think it's the most depressing thing I've ever written. And I love it to bits. So there you go. Please please please review. Thanks. Now on to the actually good bit. The fic.
Mulder and Scully
Remus tried not to cry as he looked at Sirius' picture.
I miss you
He picked up the frame and gently ran his thumb over the glass, rubbing away dust that had settled while he had been at Grimmauld Place.
I'm still here
He swallowed the lump in his throat as he remembered arriving at Godric's Hollow, minutes after the Muggle police had got there, and fighting through them just to catch a glimpse of what he hoped wasn't true.
I'm sorry
He could still see their faces, their glazed eyes staring up at the sky. Lilly's had still been so green, the colour of fresh shoots of grass. James' had been 'mud-brown' as he put it, but Lilly had always said they looked like coffee. Remus was inclined to agree with the second description. Sirius had always teasingly agreed with James, although on his wedding day he had assured him his eyes were fine, the same black-coffee-colour as always.
We should remember them as they were that day, not dead
Remus put the frame back down and walked to the window and looked out at the cold night sky. He could see the Dog Star. Sirius. He remembered reading somewhere that the star was burning itself out too fast. His Sirius had certainly done that.
I wish it hadn't gone like this
Remus smiled as he remembered that last time he had talked – really talked – to Sirius. He could smile at that memory, if at no other. They had argued violently, shouted at each other until they were hoarse ... and then Sirius' strong arms had wrapped around him and he was being kissed and it was perfect.
Why did we have to be separated? It isn't fair
Remus remembered Sirius' hands on his body, his back arching to press skin to skin. He could remember Sirius' lips pressed to his neck, and remembered feeling unable to move ...
I'd rather be liberated
I find myself captivated
More than once they had told each other they had to stop. It wasn't right ... not proper ... werewolf ...
Murderer
Don't care ...
Need you ...
Love you ...
Stop doing what you . . .
Keep doing it too . . .
Sarcasm came next, hot on the heels of the pain of knowing that they couldn't do this any more, couldn't keep up a pretence that had been going on at least thirteen years, if not longer and yet they shouldn't do what this was all leading to ... but the harsh words were smoothed over by soft ones, light words that comforted, said that it was all right, warned not to stop, no matter what ...
I'd rather stay bold and lonely,
I dream I'm your one and only
"I love you, Sirius. You were – you are my everything. I don't know how I'll live without you, without knowing that you're there somewhere, knowing that your heart is beating. I love you."
And I love you. Don't forget me, my cursed angel ...
Now I can't sleep alone
"You were broken."
You healed me
"I could have saved you."
You couldn't
"I wish you were here."
I am here, Remus. Love.
"I miss you."
I know.
"I can't sleep without you."
I'm here. Sleep, Remus. You need to rest. The moon is waxing.
Remus went back to his chair and picked up the photo again. Inside the frame, Sirius' eyes twinkled up at him. They were stormy grey. Windows to the soul, Remus' father had always said. And Sirius' soul and life had been as stormy as his eyes betrayed.
I love your eyes, Moony. Calming. Healing eyes. Forgiving eyes.
Remus closed his eyes and almost immediately fell into a deep sleep.
I will find a way back to you, my cursed angel. My forgiver, my healer, my refuge. My werewolf.
And as for some happy ending. . .
October
I can't run anymore,
Harry slumped down on the park bench. The Dursleys were being particularly horrible this year. He couldn't take much more. At least the previous two summers he had the bargaining chip known as 'Sirius' but now ... now Sirius was gone.
I'm not gone
Harry stood up and looked up at the clouds. A thunderstorm as lurking on the horizon; he could feel the hot pressure in the air. He fell to his knees and shouted, "Why! Why did you do this to me! You took away the one person left who makes me feel all right about being me! You took my parents! Now you've taken the only other person I care about! WHY!"
I fall before you,
Here I am,
Harry felt worthless, beaten, ashamed to be the person he was. He couldn't save Sirius, he couldn't help the one person he wanted to. So what if his destiny was to rid the world of Voldemort – what did it matter? It didn't. No one was left to be genuinely proud of him. His friends couldn't be proud. His friends couldn't worry for his life the same way a parent would – the way Sirius would. There was no purpose any more.
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
"I want to go home! I HAVE NO HOME!"
Take me home,
I'm here. Don't cry. One day I'll take you home, Harry.
"I've had ENOUGH!"
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
Harry pulled his wand out of his pocket and pointed it to his heart. "Everyone I love is gone!"
Harry, no!
"So I'm going with them!"
Stop!
Harry whispered the words of the killing curse. As Mad Eye Moody had told him, the curse meant nothing unless it was meant. And Harry meant it.
I can't help you! I can't save you! HELP!
You're my only strength,
Don't do this – I feel too weak – too helpless!
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.
But Harry didn't mean it enough. He screamed. "I'm ALONE! Let me go! Let me die! Sirius, I'm sorry – I failed you."
You didn't fail me, Harry
"I need you. I couldn't save you."
I can't save you ... I need to save you!
I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
"I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I keep thinking what could have happened. I keep wishing I'd grabbed Pettigrew when he changed in third year."
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
"Everyone I love is dead and gone and it's because of me! If I hadn't gone after Voldemort ..."
Don't do this to me me! Don't make me helpless ...
And you're too strong,
"I can't do this any more. I can't keep telling myself it'll be OK – it won't! Oh, God, just let me die! Let me go to my mum and dad – let me go to Sirius! Let me GO!"
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
No ... please ...
Harry whispered the killing curse again, this time with more fervour. This time, a tiny, almost-transparent green cloud blossomed from his wand.
NO!
Harry slumped sideways.
Harry ... Harry, don't leave ... please don't die ...
Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I won't leave you again ... I'll come home ... wake up ...
I'll never stray again ...
Imaginary
Harry woke and found himself in St Mungo's. He looked around. Dumbledore was sitting at his bedside. "You gave us all quite a scare, Mr Potter."
Harry burst into tears.
Don't cry
"What did you see?"
"It was nice ... dreams came and went, there was a storm, a thunderstorm and the lightning was bright, so bright it hurt my eyes, and the rain was cold ... but it was beautiful. It was a beautiful place. Calm and peaceful. The Veil was there. I saw ... Sirius, and he told me to go back, told me to wake up, told me that he'd ... he'd come home ..."
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
I will come home, Harry. I promise you, and I keep my promises to the people I love
Remus walked over to Harry's bedside. "Are you feeling any better."
"Yes, thank you, Professor. Thank you for the chocolate frogs."
Moony loves chocolate. I'll buy you a box, Remmie, when I come home again. I'm getting stronger.
"You're welcome."
"I saw him, you know. He told me not to leave. He stopped me. You do believe me? I know it was mixed in with a weird dream where everything was the wrong colour but it was somehow ... right, but he was real. He was the only real thing."
"I believe you."
You believe him ... you still believe in me ... don't forget ...
Harry woke up, screaming, after another bad dream. Nightmares had plagued him since his recovery. The Avada Kedavra curse seemed to have killed him for a moment, broken his heartbeat, but he had been found before all hope was lost and saved. Luckily he had not been strong enough to kill himself, although his heart would always be a little weaker now. The combination of the electrical storm and the magic they had to use to bring him back were enough to send anyone into trauma.
He didn't stop screaming for hours ...
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Quiet ... you need to rest ... people are worried, Harry!
Eventually Harry calmed down. Mrs Weasley came in the next morning and sat at his bedside. After she was told about the incident the night before, she enveloped him in a comforting hug. Harry started crying again.
I wish I could hold you ... take away the fear ...
"I want to go one night without having a nightmare! I want to SLEEP! I want to sleep forever!"
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
You don't. Don't ever want to die, Harry ... fight to live ... I will come back ... I won't leave you alone for much longer.
Let me stay
Song Instead of a Kiss
Song instead of a kiss
Baby, this is a song instead of a kiss
Remus stared out of the window of Grimmauld Place. Why did he always come back here, to a place Sirius had hated? Why did he want to come back to a place where there were so many memories? He didn't want to remember – he had to forget. He had to move on, even if that was impossible. Others had lost loved ones.
No one loved as fiercely as you. You gave your heart. You can't forget that. Don't
Remus sighed and walked towards the doorway.
Don't go!
He paused, his hand on the doorknob, and turned. For the briefest moment, he though he had heard Sirius' voice. Maybe it was only a memory. He walked upstairs to the room that had been Sirius' and smiled as more memories unfolded.
That night we rediscovered each other. You loved me so much
"I still love you so much."
If I could smile I would ... if I could hold you, you would be feeling my arms ...if I could kiss, my lips would be on yours ...
Remus sat down on the bed and grinned at the creak. He ran his fingers over a deep scratch down the wall, made by Sirius' fingers.
I wanted you so much that night
"I took you too hard ... I hurt you, and I wish I hadn't ..." Remus' voice was low and wavered on the brink of tears.
You don't hurt me ... I wanted it. I'd ached to have you like that for a long time ... I loved you for such a long, long time, and I'd missed so many good emotions ... I longed to have you touch me like that, to have you inside me, to fall asleep in your arms ... I wish I could let you have me right now ...
For all of you who ache, who long
For nights like this
"It's cruel that they took you from me," Remus said softly, touching the pillow where there was a slight indent where Sirius' head had lain for so many nights. He could still remember coming in that first night and calming Sirius' frantic tears of pain and anger after a nightmare.
Thank you
"I wish I could hold you."
I wish I could hold you, take away the pain ... I'll be there tomorrow night, when the moon is full. I'll hold you while you transform, and then I'll stop you from hurting yourself until dawn, then make love to you until you don't remember the pain ... not long now, love. I'm coming ...
Song instead of a touch
Darlin', this is a song instead of a touch
It's been too long since we were together
"I need you."
To all of you who wait so long
And need so much
Remus stood, a lump in his throat as he looked out of the bedroom window and over the garden. Sirius had stood here, the morning after, looking out of the window. He had looked over at Remus as the werewolf woke, and Remus had reached out from him like a child.
And I came to you and held you and you clung to me as if I were smoke, and I'd disappear. I wish I hadn't disappeared
It is for those who like to cling
It is to those, to those I sing
"I want you back. I need to hold you," Remus murmured as he heard the doorbell ring. "I wish I wasn't alone here ... I don't want to see whoever it is."
You do want to see who it is
Remus opened the door. For a moment there was nothing there. He made to close the door again, then someone behind him whispered his name.
"Remus."
He turned slowly, not daring to believe he recognised the voice.
"I'm home."
Sirius. Sirius Black, in all his dirty, bony, half-starved glory. He stood, back slightly slouched from twelve years of hunching over to conserve the warmth at his core in Azkaban. Clothes ragged and torn and covered in grime. Storm-filled eyes bright as the day Remus first met him on the Hogwarts Express. But they were different. Remus took a tentative step closer. Sirius didn't move. His eyes were still the stormy grey Remus had always known, but there was a silvery sheen to them, an almost imperceptible glow.
A glow of defiance. A glow that told Remus that Sirius was going nowhere. Nothing could separate Sirius Black from those he loved, not even Death himself.
Remus gave up on composure and what he should do and what he ought to do. He ran across the hall and threw himself into Sirius' arms. Within a second, their arms were around each other, desperately holding one another as though they would never let go, their lips locked in a hot, frantic kiss.
Here is a song instead of a clutch, instead of a moon
Instead of a soothing touch in the afternoon
Remus was crying, unable to stop. They kissed each other over and over again, barely breaking the kisses long enough to breathe. Sirius kissed the tears off Remus' cheeks as fast as they fell, constantly assuring him that everything was all right, that he was home, that he was never leaving again ...
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
I give myself to you,
I'll never stray again.
Remus moaned as Sirius slipped his hand under his robes and shirt and started to stroke the skin on his back. He whimpered as Sirius prised his arms away and picked him up, carrying him upstairs. He let him down again outside his bedroom and they kissed again, suddenly clawing at each other's clothes.
Sirius' coat went first, closely followed by Remus' outer robes while they were still in the corridor. They managed to make it into the bedroom before Sirius' shirt was gone and Remus' jumper was dragged over his head. Next went Sirius' trousers and Remus' shirt, then they were on the bed.
Remus slithered down Sirius' body, kissing down the skinny but no longer emaciated chest until he reached the hem of his pants. They were ripped off in a moment and finally, finally Remus had access to Sirius' cock. He licked up the length of it before he took it into his mouth, sucking gently.
Sirius moaned, squirming in pleasure under him. He arched off the bed, running his fingers into Remus' hair. "Remus ... I want you inside me ... please!"
Remus pulled back and tugged off his trousers. As he did so, Sirius fumbled in his drawers for a bottle of oil. Clumsily he tipped it over onto Remus' fingers, most of it spilling onto his own thighs and the sheets. Remus quickly rubbed the oil onto his cock and then slid between Sirius' parted legs. He looked down at Sirius and bent to kiss him as he thrust forwards.
Just close your eyes.
Sirius moaned as he felt Remus fill him. He wrapped his legs around the werewolf's slim waist and his arms around his neck, pulling him down into a long kiss. Remus kissed back, sucking his tongue into his mouth and whimpering in pleasure as Sirius arched up off the bed.
Suddenly, Sirius yelped as Remus hit his g-spot. Remus moaned loudly as Sirius' muscles tightened around him and didn't let up. He felt he could barely move. "I'm going to –"
"Remus ... love ..."
"Oh, oh, Siri ... Sirius!" Remus groaned, spilling his seed forcefully inside Sirius' body, the tip of his cock still rubbing against Sirius' prostate. The animagus gasped, scrabbling at Remus' back with his fingernails hard enough to scrape skin off if not cut. Remus hissed, arching his back. Sirius whimpered his name and came.
They slumped down against the bed and lay beside one another, trying to regain their breath. Remus reached between them after a moment and brought his hand back up covered in Sirius' come. He licked it off his fingers. After a moment's thought, Sirius nuzzled at the back of his hand. Remus turned his hand around so his palm faced Sirius and the animagus licked the sticky substance off Remus' skin.
Remus murmured, "I missed you."
"I missed you too. More than you know. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
Sirius pulled Remus close and the werewolf tucked his head under his chin and laid his head against his chest. "Don't leave me again."
"I won't. I'm going to lie here holding you forever. I will never, ever let go."
Tomorrow, Sirius would have to go and talk to Harry. He would have to hold him until he stopped crying, hold him until he stopped apologising, hold him until he begged to be let go. Harry would be coming home to Grimmauld Place when they let him out of St Mungo's. They would redecorate it and make it a home rather than a dingy old house with nothing but ugly memories in it. They would find a way to get Mrs Black's portrait off the wall and throw out the horrible umbrella stand. Then, once that was done, Harry could fight the good fight from there.
But that was tomorrow. For now, Sirius was content to simply lie with Remus in his arms, listening to his cursed angel sleep and then sleep himself, knowing that Remus would be there when he woke.
We don't need
A song instead of a clutch, instead of a moon
Instead of a soothing touch in the afternoon
Not any more.