Chapter 3 - Wish I Could've Stood Where You Would've Been Proud
(yes, I know Sirius is supposed to be dead, but I just can't seem to let him go! Can you just go with the flow? Its my tribute to his character death. LOL)
Barcelona
Barcelona where the winds all blew
And the churches don't have windows but the graveyards do
Me and my shadow are wrestling again
Look out stranger there's a dark cloud moving in
But if you could hear, the voice in my heart it would tell you
I'm afraid I'm alone
Wont somebody please
Hold me
Release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Fly
Let me fly
Let my fly
Super paranoid,
I'm blending
I'm blurring
I'm bleeding, into the scenery
Loving someone else
Is always so much
Easier
But I hold myself hostage in the mirror
But if you could hear, the voice in my heart It would tell you
I'm tired of feeling this way
God, won't you please
Hold me
Release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Fly
Let me fly
Let me fly
I wont be held down
I wont be held back
I will lead with my faith
The red light
Has been following me
But don't worry mother its no longer my gravity
Hold me
Release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me fly
Let me fly
Let me fly
A single tear slid down the dog's face. The 16- year- old boy had not moved for 2 hours. There was a war raging inside Sirius at he moment. He was debating whether or not to comfort the boy, or to leave him be so as not to disturb him.
Suddenly, Harry sat up, and stood. He walked silently towards the bush Sirius was behind. Harry stopped and turned with a desperate look in his eye, "Show me the meaning of mercy." He walked away. The words stung Sirius hard. No ones ever treated him kind.
Sirius sat there for twenty minutes, unmovable. Then he, too, got up, and followed the same path Harry did.
"Show me the meaning of mercy." The words came out, and then he walked away. He walked back towards the house. The house that he now came to realize he didn't know. He looked at the house that was about a half mile away. It was a blue color, with white shutters. It had a wrap around porch and 3 stories. Overall, the person who owned this home was well off in the game of life.
The house seemed to come with about 13 acres of land. Wonder who owns it. Harry reached the door that he had ran through earlier. All that was on his mind right now was to get food. He hadn't eaten anything for the past few days. He went straight down the hall to where he could smell the luxurious smells of baking food. He opened the kitchen door to find Lupin singing an Irish song, "Anyone can see why I wanted your kiss, It had to be and the reason is this, Could it be true, Someone like you, Could love me, love me?" Remus started humming. Harry stood there not wanting to interrupt but yet the pain was unbearable. He let out a little cough and Lupin turned around suddenly.
"Oh hello Harry! Dinner will be ready in a half hour or so." Remus watched as Harry went over to the sink and pored himself a glass of water. "Harry, are you okay?" Harry settled his gaze at Remus. The pain lapping from his eyes was unbearable, and it spoke volumes. "Do you want to talk?" Harry flinched as if realizing he had left himself vulnerable. He replied, "No."
He made like he was going to head for the door but paused when he heard Lupin say, "You can't bottle it up, it isn't good." He saw a flash of anger in Harry's eyes, either to him or himself, he couldn't tell. A tired expression came over his face and he said, "Just leave it alone Remus." Remus was not going to let it go, "Why Harry? Why cant you talk about it? Its not okay to keep yourself locked away like that!" Harry wasn't facing him anymore. "Leave it alone Remus!" He said through clenched teeth. "No, Harry. I know what its like to bottle things up! I know what it feels like to isolate yourself, and I understand why! The marks on your back, I have them too! I was beaten with a belt all my life too, Harry." By now, Remus was sure Harry wasn't even breathing, he had stopped moving altogether. "You cant talk about it. The people who you were supposed to trust, who were supposed to love you, protect you, had never given you that! They treated you like a rag, a thing who would cook, clean, and do anything for them. Those people took out their anger, and hatred for the world that had deprived them of so much, on you. You were just some being, some being that was only there when they wanted you there. They treated you like filth, like some piece of dog shit."
"Shut up." The words were low and whispered. So low that Remus wasn't sure if that was what he said. "Shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP! How could you possibly understand? A belt? BELT? That's a blessing compared to a whip! You don't know me, Lupin, you cant and never will understand! I told you to leave it alone, why do people always pry!!!" Harry threw his glass at the wall, which shattered followed with a loud silence.
Remus looked shocked, but quickly recovered. "Oh, Harry." Remus sighed, and went to hug Harry. Harry flinched at the near touch and stumbled backwards. "Don't touch me." Harry raced out the swinging door, and raced upstairs. He opened and slammed the door shut. No more tears came that day. All that came was sleep, and Harry was glad, but then the nightmares snuck in.
Harry swept through the kitchen door and Remus could hear the pounding footsteps that were encountering the stairs. With a final slam of the door, Remus looked completely defeated.
A few minutes later, Remus heard the kitchen open again. He didn't look up from is hands, which his head was held in. He felt arms slide over his shoulders. He lent his head into the crook of his love, his support's shoulder.
Sirius felt Remus start to shake. Sirius couldn't control his baby's shaking, he couldn't repress it. "Shhh, shh Remus, honey, it's okay. Don't cry, it's okay, shhh, shh," Sirius tried to comfort his love. Remus looked up, tearstained face, and said, "Tonight's the full moon. You can't leave Harry alone. It okay, I can, and need, to be alone." Sirius, nodded his head, as if he understood, but inside, he couldn't comprehend. He sat silently as he watched Lupin clean up the glass with a sweep of his wand. Then he watched as he came over to Sirius, who was looking sad. "I need some time to think, think to myself. But I will miss you tonight." Remus said, then sealed it with a light kiss. Sirius, reassured, nodded again. He watched as Remus walked to the other side of the room and disappear through the door.
Sirius looked out the window and guessed it was about and hour till the moon came out. I should go check on Harry. Sirius turned, after he saw his lover start down the trail that led to the forest.
Sirius sighed, then he too headed out of the kitchen. He had reached the top of the stairs and headed towards Harry's door, but stopped short of knocking. Sirius leaned his ear against the wooden door. He could make out a faint sob. Sirius pressed his hand against the door. He gently knocked on the door. When he didn't hear anything a sudden wave of persistence and tried to see if the door was unlocked, of course it wasn't so Sirius whiped his wand out and whispered, "Alohomora." The door came unlocked, and Sirius tried the door again. He twisted the knob and opened the door. What found inside was Harry, sitting on the windowsill ledge.
He was wrapped all inside a green blanket. He was just sitting there, staring out the window. He looked peaceful, tired, but peaceful.
Harry didn't even turn when he heard the door open. I not in the mood to be talking. He could hear Sirius' feet cross the room and then stop right before the windowsill. "It's a full moon tonight. Moony's already gone." Sirius said, as though talking to himself. Harry didn't even so much as nod.
Sirius sighed, and then went to the oppisite side of the sill that Harry was perched upon. He sat down, then put his legs up, and he too looked out the window.
Sirius felt eyes lay upon him and looked over at Harry, who was looking at him, as though trying to see inside the man who has been this lost boy's closest thing to a father.
"Are you hungry?" Sirius asked, hopeful for not having to experience whatever caused the broken glass downstairs. "No," came the reply. But a betraying gurgle from Harry's stomach proved wrong. "Honestly," Sirius said. "Honestly? Yes I am hungry, but I also feel like crap." Harry said. "Well, lets get us some crap to your crappy hunger," Sirius suggested, attempting to lighten the 16 year old's spirits.
Harry returned the joke with a faint smile. Godfather and Godson went downstairs to the kitchen together.
Sirius went over to the stove, to find Remus' unfinished, and now cold, dinner. "Well, I can't finish cooking whatever Moony was cooking, I don't know how, and I have no idea what it even is. So, how about… Pancakes?" Sirius said to Harry. "Sure," was the reply, as Harry sat down at the chait that Remus had recently occupied.
Remus, god, one night without him and I already really miss him. When are we even gonna tell Harry about us? How are we going to save a soul that's on the verge of being lost?