Chapter 4 - Outrun my skin, and just be pure wind

Question Kaddie Maissen

There's a question in your eyes

Its been there a while

Looking deep in you, is there an answer?

Wondering if anyone is there

Wondering if anyone cares, is there anyone there?

For every question

There is an answer waiting to be heard

The question is this life worth living?

Because you feel so hopeless, because you feel worthless

Because there is nothing there when you look

Deep inside

You've tried so hard to act normal

Laughing at all the jokes told

But when you are alone in your mind

The feeling of emptiness is so overpowering

Will it hurt?

Will anyone miss you?

Will anyone cry for you when there's just a body

Love I'll miss you

Love don't do this!

don't do this I'm there for you

Here's the answer

Life is so important

There's people there who care

Who will cry when there's just a body

For every question

There is an answer waiting to be heard

The question is this life worth living

Because you feel so hopeless

Because there's nothing there when you look

Deep inside

Moony woke up, alone, in the forest. He had hoped that Sirius wouldn't make the connection that Remus usually had his one-day-a-month ordeal in the guest bedroom. One night without him, and I miss him! He found his way back to the path, and followed it up to the house. When he got inside, he immediately went to their room, but when he arrived, Sirius was gone.

Instead of getting worried, he decided to look for him. He went down the hall. He passed Harry's room. He stopped. He turned, and opened the door. He saw Sirius curled up on the windowsill. The only thing wrong with the picture was the fact that Harry seemed to be missing. Remus crossed the room and pressed a gentle kiss to Sirius' lips. When Lupin pulled back, he was met with almost pure-black eyes. "Mornin'," Sirius said, sleepily. "Good morning to you to," Remus replied with a faint smile.

"Where's Harry, love?" the exhausted werewolf asked.

"Well, come now, Moony, he's right…" Sirius trailed off as he saw the empty space that had once occupied the 16 year old. "Don't worry, he's around here somewhere." Remus comforted his love, who was looking puzzled.

Moony helped Padfoot up from the sill. They headed towards the door and found themselves in the hallway. They looked right, left, then Sirius said, "Let's start right."

"Okay," Remus said, and they started to the right staircase.

Harry had woken early. It looked as though the sun had just risen. Harry got up from the sill gracefully, so as not to disturb Sirius from his sleep. He slipped out of the door and went down the hall to the bathroom.

Bleak thoughts had crossed Harry's mind.

Down the stairs. Out the backdoor and into the forest, where the path of the future held little.

Sirius and Remus had been looking for Harry for about an hour. They had ended up back to the 2nd floor staircase.

Worry, and panic had began to arise in the men. "Let's check outside," Remus suggested.

They made their way out of the back door and headed outside. From the position of the sun, it seemed that it was about noon. "Remus, let's get a quick something to eat, otherwise we'll be starved looking for Harry and it won't be of any help," Sirius suggested, and Remus nodded his approval, hoping that Harry was not one of the those types of people who, when desired to be lost, remained lost until further notice.

It was about an hour and a half until they lovers made their appearance into the wooded forest.

They made their way to the path, and began to follow it.

Four hours later, and still no sign of Harry. By then all hell had broken loose. Sirius and Remus were panicked and trying their best not to think of the worst things possible.

Although it was time for dinner, none of them were hungry. Fear, worry, and panic was filling enough.

"What are we going to do?" Lupin asked his lover, in a strangled whisper.

Sirius was a few feet ahead, frantic. "Sirius," Remus repeated, "Sirius," he said, again, after no answer. "SIRIUS!" Remus yelled. Sirius turned, and when he saw the look on his love' s face, he swept him into his arms, and Sirius buried his head into his man's shoulder.

It was nearly seven when the most simplest thought crossed Sirius' mind. OF COURSE! Why hadn't I though of it before? Sirius thought, slapping his forhead. It was dark, and both wizards had their wands out, and lighten with the Lumos charm.

"Love, why don't we cast a locator spell?" Sirius said to Remus.

"Of course! Why hadn't we thought of it before?" Remus put out his wand and said, "Locatia."

A thin, smoky, white wisp of air, came out of Remus' wand. It swirled around until it came an inch above the soft soil beneath. It expanded to a square, then it slowly etched the forests' features onto it in black. The map could be seen in the dark. The spell complete, Remus and Sirius leaned forward to study the map.

"There, by the pond. It's Harry." Remus whispered. Sirius had seen, and brushed his fingers through the map, and the illumination that the map had provided disappeared.

Sirius and Remus started up a run. Twenty minutes later, they had reached the spot where the map had revealed Harry to be.

There was a small clearing ahead. A largish pond was at the other end of the clearing.

When Sirius and Remus had arrived at the edge of the clearing, all they could see was a crumpled pile.

Sirius ran towards the pile, and cooped Harry's head into his arms. Sirius slid one arm around Harry's waist.

The boy was unconscious. Sirius felt wetness on his left arm, which was around Harry's left side of his upper body. Sirius looked down, horrified.

Blood. Blood was everywhere. Sirius looked down upon Harry's left arm and saw the entire length from his elbow to his palm, was covered in blood. Sirius glanced at Harry's right arm. It, too, was covered with the same amount of blood, but the palm was curled around an object. A dagger, with a black handle, and silver blade.

Realization struck Sirius hard, and he screamed for Remus.

Tears welled up into Sirius eyes.

"Hurry, go straight back to the house," Remus said, just as Sirius changed into his dog form. Remus gently gathered Harry up into his arms, and layed him face down on Sirius' back.

The dog ran as fast as it could, without having Harry fall off. Remus stood there a moment, too shocked to comprehend what he had just seen.

Remus looked down at the ground and discovered a piece of parchment. He picked up the folded piece of paper, and began to jog back to the house.

Branches scratched at Sirius and Harry's faces. Just ahead, Sirius could see the house.

He ran to it, changed back to human form and slammed through the door, to an empty room, off of the kitchen.

Remus was walking by now. He had reached the house ten minutes after Sirius and could see a light on in the parlor room which he guessed Sirius and Harry were in.

He went towards the back door, and when he opened and crossed through the doopr, he went to a room off to the left. He lit a light, and stood, back against the wall.

He took out the letter.

He paused before opening it.

He slowly lifted the flap of the folded parchment. It had two pages in which Remus had thought only contained one.

The first page had a poem:

Playground school bell rings, again

Rain clouds come to play, again

Has no one told you

She's not breathing

Hello

I'm your mind

Giving you someone to talk to

Hello

If I smile and don't

Believe

Soon I know I'll wake

From this dream

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken

Hello

I'm the lie living

For you so you can hide

Don't cry

Suddenly

I know I'm not sleeping

Hello

I'm still here all that's left of yesterday

The second page had a letter:

"My life has been lived for 16 years. Is it over? Is the pain, hell, torment finally over?

No one can know. No one ever does. The anguish in my eyes, what is really there? I keep wondering if anyone can see it!

Why have I been chosen for this destiny? I keep waiting for this dream to be over. I have recently figured out that it does not. I am a lie. Everything about me is a lie. Someone else has been living for me. Why is now I am just figuring this out? Sadness wells up in great welts beneath me, is it now that it will finally be released, or at least overflow?

I will miss a few beings on this earth, like my godfather, and his companion. Lupin was right, all along. Why is it now, after these long harsh years that realization strikes. I shall also miss the few friends that I have, although all the people I just mentioned don't know me.

But if I smile, maybe then I wont believe that everything is bad, but then I realize that it is just part of the dream. I don't need to be fixed I am not broken.

Make an announcement! Scream my name to justice! Voldemort, VOLDEMORT you have WON! Have the world! Take it! Take every thing! (At this point in the letter Remus realized that it was tearstained.)

But why is it that my going, my , death, has to be mourned. But thinking about it, I've realized that I am only a naïve boy. Selfish. That is why, journal, I leave no actual letter, but an entry. For all of those that wish to be recognized in a letter.

I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday. Of course tomorrow I will be none of yesterday. Why does it hurt? Why do I have to be the one that cries at night, wishing that I would die? Why am I crying now as I write this? Why do I have to be the one with no parents, no people who actually truly know me? Why do I have to be the one that lived? Why? WHY?!

I am done, I have said goodbye, and I am truly gone from this world, never to be risen.

When Remus finished, he slid down the wall, and didn't even realize that a steady stream of tears were coming down his face.

A/N: Well that's all of chapter 4! So, please continue reading to see what happens (obviously). Good Bye. P.S. The poem in the death "Letter" is actually written by Evanescence and is titled Hello. Oh and the "Locatia" spell, I created that.