I am the result of a nun's misguided attempt to "find herself". For the record, she tells everybody she was raped and got pregnant, but I've met my dad, and that's what he tells me. Back in the day, she was a young nun-in-training, who everybody thought was oh-so-wholesome but really, all she wanted was an older business man to teach her the ways of love. At that point, he was the CEO of a really wealthy business company with an uptight wife and 2 young kids. When I was born, Brendan was 15 and Melody was 12.

The reason I happen to know all this is because once last year, when I became too much for her and plus, she wanted to take a pilgrimage to somewhere in the Middle East. She sent me out to see the man I was forced to call "Dad" for the next week and a half. He actually made me live in a hotel in case Brenda, his real wife, saw and knew what was going on. It was briefly that I heard the actual story of how I came about, and the shipped out to go learn about the wonderful city of Vancouver.

Now, I live with my mother, who has a very strong Polish accent from her rough Christian upbringing, and our "housekeeper", who is French and likes to talk with me about everything under the sun.

My mom thinks everybody else thinks she is this totally innocent Polish girl who worships Jesus every moment of her day but really, she is far from it. I know that she loves me, but I also know what it's like to accidentally come home early and find that my mom is actually a bisexual and having an affair with Lola, who happens to be the "housekeeper", hence the apostrophes.

I am not some naïve boy. I have grown up being driven to doctor to psychiatrist to therapist, all who have diagnosed me with things like anger management issues, but my mother always wrings her hands and pouts and says, "My son is nice boy, he is fine!" and begins to cry.

That is so faking it.

At school, I've never actually had many friends. I've never really minded either; this coming from the boy who actually ate paste under the table in kindergarten, you might not be surprised. One day in grade one I beat up a grade 3 girl, and people were really scared.

So for high school we moved across the country, away from small town Saskatchewan to Ontario. And yeah, seeing all these friends together really did intimidate me. So I basically sat in the corner during classes and watched, to my delight, what most people would call "The popular group". It was like a guilty pleasure, seeing them all smiles and giggles, all beautiful people that deserved to be on TV, or in magazines, not in my classroom for my viewing pleasure like some sick reality TV show.

And watch I did. I saw all their triumphs, errors…. I've never before wanted to stalk somebody before, but they made me want to stalk them. Golden People.

So naturally, I only wanted to somehow fight my way into their life, and fight, I did. Girls love roses. Terri was a gorgeous girl, and really, I did like her.

And I think she liked me too. I mean, I'm guessing I could've been the one, if I weren't me. If I didn't freaking SUCK at everything.

Rick Ellis, first place dick. I've gone back to eating paste under the table, I'm back to coming home way to early. I want to go to clear my mind but I've got my duties with my golden people to clear up, my first one being getting my lovely Terri back.