A/N- The characters of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and Lily belong to the brilliant J.K. Rowling. The lyrics at the end belong to Melissa Etheridge's "Ruins."
Fragmented -
(v.) to become broken ---
Pressed between the pages of book long since closed is a picture that has become faded with age. A picture of five friends smiling and embracing on their graduation day. The days that led them there were untroubled, but the days to follow would be tainted with unfathomable darkness. Slowly, the group would break apart, whether by death or deceit. And at last, only one would be left. Looking back on the life he led, he discovered all that is left of his friends are memories of a happiness he could never reclaim…ruined promises and broken dreams…five lives seared apart by darkness, and forever fragmented.
-
first year… --
James Potter hurried down the train corridor, soaked from the rain and trying to find a friendly face in a compartment. His parents had tearfully dropped him off at the station moments before, and he was feeling rather overwhelmed. He had dreamed of going to Hogwarts his entire young life, but now, actually being here was rather surreal.
He reached a compartment towards the back with only one occupant- a boy who looked about his age with mousey brown hair who was reading a textbook with a harried look on his face.
James stepped in.
"Hey- mind if I join you?"
"Go right ahead. I'm Remus Lupin." The boy shook James' hand, and James had an impression of maturity-almost as if an adult was trapped in an eleven-year old's body.
"James Potter." He smiled back, sitting across from Remus.
They had settled into pleasant small talk when the compartment door slid open again. A boy with strikingly handsome features and a wide, white smile ambled in.
"Hello all." He flopped down on the seat next to James as though he'd known them his entire life.
"Have we met?" Lupin looked up with mild interest.
"Not yet we haven't. I'm Sirius."
"Serious about what?" James looked at the new arrival, confused.
"That's my name, you git. Sirius Black." Sirius grinned.
"Nice name." Lupin said sardonically, smiling.
"Whereas Remus is really catching on." James said with equal sarcasm.
Sirius laughed.
"So your name's Remus. And you're…"
"James Potter."
"Well, my friends, are we nervous about the sorting? My cousin Bellatrix told me I better get in Slytherin, or the family's disowning me." Sirius laughed.
"Isn't Slytherin regarded as producing wizards and witches who are a bit…dodgy?" Lupin said tactfully.
"More like evil. Don't worry- I don't plan on following in the family footsteps. I might enjoy the occasional fit of mischief, but I'm not really into the whole Dark Arts scene. Mum was so disappointed." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"My mum and dad said Gryffindor or Ravenclaw's what you want. Hufflepuffs for the cream puffs, and Slytherins…well, you said it, Sirius." James said.
"Well, here's to hoping they sort us where we belong. With the best." Sirius smiled, instantly liking James.
"You're rather arrogant, did you know that?" Lupin pointed out, grinning nonetheless.
"Am I?" Sirius looked confused.
"So do you two like Quidditch?" James changed the subject abruptly, eager to talk about the best sport ever invented.
A rampant debate over the best Quidditch team began as the storm rumbled outside.
-
second year… --
James walked into the Gryffindor common room, soaked with sweat after returning from Quidditch practice. He was the youngest Chaser on the team, more in fact, the youngest player on the team. James felt as though he had to overcompensate for his age, and had subsequently worn himself out. But his fellow player's congratulations made up for the exhaustion he was feeling now.
He didn't see Sirius or Lupin anywhere. Looking around the common room instead of right in front of him, he ran into someone.
"Oh, sorry-" He mumbled.
"It's perfectly all right."
James looked down at the girl he'd run into. Her striking green eyes were looking up at him with an expression of competing disgust and disinterest.
"Evans! Hey!" He recognized her- she was always the one who beat him to answering questions in class. And also, she was pretty.
"It's Lily." She said coldly.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry. I'm James Potter, by the way."
"Yes, I know who you are." She said in that same icy tone.
James looked at her, confused.
"Are you mad at me or something?"
"Why would I be mad? You've never even spoken to me before."
"Well, we're speaking now." James said, trying to grin in a charming way.
"Yes. Well. This has been scintillating, Potter. See you around." She rolled her eyes, walking off towards the girl's dormitories.
"What's her problem?" James muttered under his breath.
"Lady troubles?" A rather nervous looking boy who was a good bit shorter than James appeared suddenly at his side.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. It's Peter, right?" James said, grateful for a distraction after getting rather viciously shot down.
"Peter Pettigrew. That's right."
Lily hurried up the stairs, feeling her heart beating rather faster than normal. What was the matter with her? Stop thinking about that arrogant git, she mentally ordered herself.
-
fourth year… --
"You know what just occurred to me?" Sirius said as the four friends sat in the common room.
"Please enlighten us." Lupin looked up with mock interest.
"First of all, it occurred to me that you need to shove it, Lupin. Secondly, it occurred to me that we need girlfriends."
Peter gave something of a nervous giggle.
"Do we now?" James looked up, quickly looking over where Lily sat with her friends in the corner of the common room.
"Yes. Simply because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and a Hogsmeade visit, and I'm certainly not spending a holiday practically designed to get a guy some action with you lot."
"Sirius!" Peter looked around, blushing slightly.
"Embrace the testerone, Peter. I know it's in there somewhere." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"How do you propose we solve this girlfriend dilemma?" James said, cottoning on with a smile.
"It's quite simple. Observe." Sirius got to his feet, and walked over to a tall, pretty blond sitting next to Lily.
"Hey, I'm Sirius," He said in a strangely deep voice, smiling so all his brilliantly white teeth showed, "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and I'm available. You interested?"
"Don't do it. He probably doesn't even know your name." Lily glared.
"Of course I know your name, Claire." Sirius said, raising a defiant eyebrow at Lily.
Claire looked up at him appraisingly.
"Claire, come on! He's horrible…everyone knows Sirius Black and James Potter think they own this school." Lily shot a look over at James.
"I think no such thing!" Sirius clapped a hand to his chest in mock outrage.
Claire giggled. Lily sighed, infuriated.
"So you'll go?" Sirius smiled again.
"Yes, all right." Claire grinned back, blushing slightly.
"Splendid." Sirius winked at her, walking back over to his friends.
"Wow!" Peter looked at Sirius in wonder as he sat back down.
"Not too hard, eh, comrades? Now, go on-doesn't anyone want to follow in my pawprints?" Sirius said in a slightly lowered voice.
"I don't even know if I'm going to Hogsmeade- I feel awful." Lupin said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Before the full moon, he always felt a state until it was all over with.
"Fine, fine. Peter, what about you?"
"No one would go with me." Peter shook his head, blushing harder.
"Confidence, my little friend. That's what you need. But suit yourself. James, what's your excuse?" Sirius turned.
"Er…" James found himself looking over at Lily once again, and was surprised to see her looking at him. She quickly looked away, furious with herself.
Sirius noticed this.
"James-you have got to get over her. She's not interested. Come on, do you think I'd let somebody who's pining away like a poof be my wingman? You're good looking, you're good at Quidditch- Evan's probably the only girl at Hogwarts who wouldn't go out with you." Sirius said, getting exasperated with his friend's infatuation.
"You're probably right." James sighed, mussing up his hair instinctively.
"Of course I'm right." Sirius smiled.
-
fifth year… --
"Lupin, just tell us the truth! Where the hell have you been? Why is your face all scratched up?" Sirius was shouting now.
"That's NONE of your business!" Lupin yelled back, looking pained.
"What could be so bad?" Peter chimed in, trying to coax it out of him.
"Lupin, we never keep things from each other." James said, in a very calm voice.
"You'll all think I'm a freak." Lupin's voice broke slightly.
"We already think that." Sirius said, smiling, trying to break the tense mood.
"Just forget it!" Lupin went to stomp off.
"I'm sorry! Come on-stop being so weird about this, and just tell us the truth!" Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation.
"Nothing could make us stop being your friends." James assured him.
"FINE! FINE! YOU WANT THE TRUTH?" Lupin turned around, now in a towering temper.
"YES!" Sirius matched his rage.
"I'm a werewolf!!!" Lupin hissed through gritted teeth.
No one spoke for a moment.
"Like a real werewolf?" Peter finally said, his voice tinged with awe.
"No, Peter, the fake kind." Lupin snapped.
He looked at James and Sirius.
"Guys, please say something." He begged.
"So you're a werewolf? Is that all?" Sirius shrugged dismissively, grinning.
"What?" Lupin looked confused.
"What'd you think we'd ditch you or something? No way." James rolled his eyes.
"You don't I'm…some kind of freak?"
"Not in the least. In fact, Sirius just got a great idea." Sirius said thoughtfully, carelessly pushing his dark hair out of his eyes.
"Why is Sirius referring to himself in third person?" James looked at his best friend, grinning.
"Because I'm celebrating my brilliance. Are any of you familiar with the term Animagus?" Sirius said, leaning back in his chair, his mouth widening into a wide smile.
-
fifth year… --
Lupin looked at Lily's wide-eyed expression.
"So there's the truth. One Gryffindor prefect to another."
"Remus, I had no idea! So that's why you missed those meetings!"
"Yes. It's quite annoying, really." Remus sighed.
"Can't you take a potion or something? To stop the transformation?"
"I dunno. Probably."
"You could ask Severus- he's a total brain at Potions." Lily suggested, remembering the greasy-haired boy who sat close to her seat in Potions and always got better marks.
"Snivellus?" Lupin said almost automatically.
"Please tell you don't resort to the same levels as Sirius and that bloody stupid James Potter." Lily said disapprovingly.
"James is hardly stupid." Lupin said defensively.
"I'm sorry. That was rude. I forgot how you liked them." Lily shook her head.
Lupin looked at her carefully for a moment.
"You really don't like James, do you?"
"I don't like either of them."
"But especially James? I mean, you two can hardly be in the same room without you starting an argument."
"I don't start anything. I just point out when he's being an immature git." She shrugged.
Lupin raised his eyebrows, grinning slightly as he was hit with a sudden realization.
"What?" She demanded, giggling at his rather comical expression.
"Lily, we're friends, right?"
"Right."
"And I just told you a pretty huge secret, right?" Lupin said, choosing his words carefully.
"Right-Remus, what are you getting at?"
"Can I ask you something? And you have to tell me the truth?"
"Sure." Lily shrugged.
Lupin drummed his fingers on the table, as if deciding whether to ask her or not.
"Come on, after all that, you have to ask me!" She laughed.
"All right. Lily Evans, how do you really feel about James?"
Lily was taken aback for a moment, and felt her heart leap into her throat.
"I hate him." She shrugged, but her voice was a little higher than normal.
"Do you really?" Lupin looked at her, smiling patronizingly.
"Yes! Of course! Why on earth would you think otherwise?" She said defensively.
"I don't know. You just talk about him an awful lot for someone who hates him." He said, his smile widening.
"Well-I just talk about how much I think he's a stuck-up, over-hyped-"
"All right, I get your drift." Lupin said, still with that maddening smile on his face.
"What a ridiculous question." Lily said, tucking her hair behind her ears, flustered.
"Riiiight." Lupin nodded.
"Remus, come on! I mean, James Potter and me? I mean, you claim he's a good friend, and I'll take your word for it, but for me? I mean even thinking about…about kissing him or something…" Lily trailed off, trying to shake a rather pleasant mental picture that had just appeared in her mind.
"Who mentioned kissing him?" Lupin smiled even wider.
"No one! I mean…I just…just drop it, okay, Remus? I don't like James, I'll never like James, end of story!"
Lupin put his hands up in surrender.
"Fine. Just wondering."
-
sixth year… --
James sat in the common room with Peter, waiting for Sirius to get back from detention so they could go join Lupin at the Shrieking Shack.
Sirius ambled in, his hands in his pockets, whistling merrily as the dull light of the full moon spilled through the window.
"You're in a good mood." James commented.
"Yes, James, I am."
"Any particular reason?"
"Why, yes, actually," Sirius' voice lowered to a whisper, "You are not going to believe what I just did."
"Try me." James smiled back; Sirius' glee was infectious.
"I told Snivellus if he really wanted to know why Lupin's got all those scratches on his face, he should go to the Shrieking Shack tonight. Bet that'll shut him up." Sirius said, laughing.
James' heart seemed to drop into his stomach.
"You did WHAT?"
"James, what's the big deal? Like you care what happens to that little weirdo?"
"Lupin could kill him!" James hissed as Peter watched their conversation, his eyes darting back and forth.
"No, he won't," Sirius said dismissively, "Probably just scare him out of his wits."
Peter laughed, but James' face stayed stony with fury.
"James, lighten up! Like he didn't have this coming?"
"Sirius, you are so stupid sometimes! You just don't know when to stop, do you?" James covered his eyes with his hands, his head pounding.
"Sorry, mum." Sirius said sarcastically.
"I've got to go help him. Before you make one of your best friends a murderer." James practically spat at Sirius, dashing out of the common room as Sirius stood there, for once in his life, at a loss for words.
"What a buzz kill." He finally recovered, flopping down in the chair opposite Peter.
"Do you think James'll be all right?" Peter asked nervously.
"Who cares?" Sirius growled moodily, knowing he didn't mean it.
"You do. He's your best friend…I mean, you live at his house, right?" Peter pointed out.
"Yeah." Sirius sighed, knowing he was just shaken from James shouting at him. That had never happened before. Maybe he really shouldn't have sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack.
"We should go help James." Sirius finally relented.
So a large black dog and a rat scampered across the Hogwarts grounds until they reached the Whomping Willow, which James had obviously already frozen to allow himself entry.
Sirius and Peter were still shrouded in shadow when James came out of the passage, practically dragging Snape.
"You all right?" James said, a large cut dripping blood down his cheek.
Snape looked up at him, his eyes almost black with hatred.
"Don't you ever touch me again. If you tell anyone about what happened, I'll kill you. I know how, believe me." Severus' voice almost shook with malice.
"What kind of thanks is that for saving your life?" James replied, shocked and incensed.
"I was fine."
"Yeah, right!" James said, surveying Snape's almost fatally deep scratches.
"I hate you. I hate your stupid friends. That will never change, no matter what any of you say or do." Snape tried to walk away, but didn't get that far, as he was limping.
James swallowed hard, clenching his fists.
"Do you need help to get to the hospital wing?" He said through gritted teeth.
"How kind, Potter. But no thanks." Snape looked back at him, clutching his arm, his pale skin soaked with sweat.
"You…you won't tell Madame Pomfrey…or anyone…what you saw, right? Please? This isn't Lupin's fault." James said desperately.
"I wouldn't dream of it. His secret's safe with me." Snape's voice practically dripped with sarcasm as he stalked off as best he could.
The dog and the rat watched this scene in silence. Sirius could feel his heart twist with something…something strangely like guilt.
-
seventh year… --
Lily slumped against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest.
"Come on, Evans, the silent treatment's getting old." James sighed, adjusting his Head Boy badge.
"I cannot BELIEVE Dumbledore made you Head Boy."
James looked down at her gold badge with a grin.
"Sure gives us plenty of alone time though…being Head Boy and Girl." He pointed out.
"Oh yes, one of the major perks." She rolled her eyes, checking her watch to see when their scheduled patrolling was over. They still had an hour.
"Will this hatred of me never stop? I've been nothing but nice to you." He sighed.
"I know exactly why you're nice to me, James Potter."
"Oh, do you? Enlighten me."
"The same reason Sirius is nice to girls. You think I'll just fall over and swoon because the rest of the school fancies you some sort of hero? Well, news flash. I'm not impressed with your stupid Quidditch, or your stupid hair, or your stupid Head Boy badge."
"Hey, leave my hair out of this." James grinned.
The slightest flicker of a grin swept across her face, but she quickly replaced it with her familiar icy glare.
They lapsed into silence again. James sighed audibly.
"If I'm boring you, Potter, just leave." She said.
"Okay, Lily, this is ridiculous. Yes, I know I was a bit of a prat when I first came to Hogwarts, and we haven't had the most friendly of repartee since then, but people change! I've changed!"
She snorted with laughter.
"I'm not kidding! Look, Lily, I know everybody thinks I've got everything I could want, what with Quidditch, and Head Boy, and top marks-"
"Really not winning me over here." She interrupted drolly.
"But the truth is I don't have everything! I don't…" James took a deep, shaky breath, "Well, I don't have you, Lily. And I've wanted you for so long."
Another long silence fell between them, but it was strangely charged silence. Lily tried to get her brain to work, but was finding it rather difficult. When she did speak, it was rather weakly.
"The only reason you want me is because I'm the one girl you can't have." She said, trying to ignore how close he was standing to her.
"That's not true! I want you because…because you're brilliant, and you're funny, and you always stand up for people, and you're gorgeous, and you're so passionate about things, and…" James stopped, even though he could've gone on for ages.
They were now inches apart, and Lily's breathing was nervous and erratic. One of his hands slid up her arm, making her shiver pleasantly. He looked just as nervous as she was, which she found strange. Nothing scared James Potter. But now he was practically shaking.
"James…y-you can't just say things like that and expect me to just…" She tried to say, her voice trembling.
His lips brushed softly against hers, silencing her feeble attempts at speaking. Before she could stop herself, her hands slid into his disheveled hair, and the kiss deepened. Lily felt weak, she had never felt like this, if only he'd stop so she could think clearly…if only he'd never stop… -
graduation day… --
The Gryffindor common room was reverberating with sounds of celebration, as all the seventh years rejoiced in the fact that they were finally done with their Hogwarts education, and the real world was out there waiting for them.
"Firewhiskey, anyone?" Sirius said, a bit tipsy from a bottle he'd managed to coax out of the house elves.
"As Head Boy, I feel I must confiscate that." James said, pointing stupidly, quite tipsy himself.
Lily walked over, snuggling against James as he lazily slung an arm over her shoulders, grinning foolishly at her.
"Bit knackered?" She tried to look disapproving.
"Darling! What an unfounded accusation!" James said, much louder than was necessary, Sirius dissolving in bark like laughter.
"Real nice example, James." She shook her head, smiling.
"Oh, come on, love, you know you can't stay mad at me for long…" He winked, kissing her rather sloppily.
Lily laughed, pushing him off.
"Down boy." Sirius rolled his eyes, looking rather revolted at his best friend's sudden descent into monogamy.
"What's wrong, Padfoot? Scary to see James in an actual relationship?" Lupin observed.
"Terrifying." Sirius shivered slightly, but to be honest, he really liked Lily and they were so happy together he could hardly hold it against them and call himself James' best friend.
"I think it's sweet." Peter shrugged, looking at James and Lily and feeling a sudden stab of envy. If only a girl would ever look at him the way Lily looked at James…
"So are we sad to be leaving dear old Hogwarts?" Sirius said, levitating the bottle of Firewhiskey over to a group of girls who'd been watching him. He gave them a sly grin, at which they dissolved into giggles. Sirius tucked his wand back away.
"I'm more excited-I mean, real jobs, houses of our own, no more Snape, no more detentions…it's going to be grand." James smiled.
"And the only people from Hogwarts we have to ever talk to again are sitting right next to me." Sirius smiled widely at his friends.
"Sirius, remind us of who else you talked to at Hogwarts?" Lily pointed out.
"Why, Lily! Are you insinuating that I'm unpopular?"
"Not in the slightest. It's just…let's just say, you picked your friends, and have not wavered from that choice."
"Well, that's me. Loyal to the core. I like who I like. And sometimes am forced to like people when they weasel into my group by seducing James." Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, grinning.
"I did not SEDUCE James!" Lily rolled her eyes.
"That's her story." James raised his eyebrows, receiving a punch in the arm from Lily.
Peter, who'd been looking at a copy of Daily Prophet from that morning left on the table between them, looked up suddenly.
"What do all of you think about this Voldemort character?" He said, holding up the rather grisly headline depicting a rash of Muggleborn murders.
"Wow, Peter, what a highly inappropriate topic." Sirius sighed heavily, as he felt the good mood deflate from the group.
"Do you think it's all true?" Lupin suddenly spoke. He'd been strangely silent most of the night.
"Who knows?" Sirius shrugged.
"I think it's true, but the Daily Prophet might be dramatizing it a bit." Lily suggested.
"Yeah, she's right, I mean-he's just one crazy person, how bad could it be? The Aurors will catch this Voldy-whatever and ship him off to Azkaban. Don't worry, Peter." James said, looking very blasé about everything at the moment. Problems of the outside world felt very far away from the common room at the moment.
--
a/n- posting the conclusion now!
Fragmented -
(v.) to become broken ---
Pressed between the pages of book long since closed is a picture that has become faded with age. A picture of five friends smiling and embracing on their graduation day. The days that led them there were untroubled, but the days to follow would be tainted with unfathomable darkness. Slowly, the group would break apart, whether by death or deceit. And at last, only one would be left. Looking back on the life he led, he discovered all that is left of his friends are memories of a happiness he could never reclaim…ruined promises and broken dreams…five lives seared apart by darkness, and forever fragmented.
-
first year… --
James Potter hurried down the train corridor, soaked from the rain and trying to find a friendly face in a compartment. His parents had tearfully dropped him off at the station moments before, and he was feeling rather overwhelmed. He had dreamed of going to Hogwarts his entire young life, but now, actually being here was rather surreal.
He reached a compartment towards the back with only one occupant- a boy who looked about his age with mousey brown hair who was reading a textbook with a harried look on his face.
James stepped in.
"Hey- mind if I join you?"
"Go right ahead. I'm Remus Lupin." The boy shook James' hand, and James had an impression of maturity-almost as if an adult was trapped in an eleven-year old's body.
"James Potter." He smiled back, sitting across from Remus.
They had settled into pleasant small talk when the compartment door slid open again. A boy with strikingly handsome features and a wide, white smile ambled in.
"Hello all." He flopped down on the seat next to James as though he'd known them his entire life.
"Have we met?" Lupin looked up with mild interest.
"Not yet we haven't. I'm Sirius."
"Serious about what?" James looked at the new arrival, confused.
"That's my name, you git. Sirius Black." Sirius grinned.
"Nice name." Lupin said sardonically, smiling.
"Whereas Remus is really catching on." James said with equal sarcasm.
Sirius laughed.
"So your name's Remus. And you're…"
"James Potter."
"Well, my friends, are we nervous about the sorting? My cousin Bellatrix told me I better get in Slytherin, or the family's disowning me." Sirius laughed.
"Isn't Slytherin regarded as producing wizards and witches who are a bit…dodgy?" Lupin said tactfully.
"More like evil. Don't worry- I don't plan on following in the family footsteps. I might enjoy the occasional fit of mischief, but I'm not really into the whole Dark Arts scene. Mum was so disappointed." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"My mum and dad said Gryffindor or Ravenclaw's what you want. Hufflepuffs for the cream puffs, and Slytherins…well, you said it, Sirius." James said.
"Well, here's to hoping they sort us where we belong. With the best." Sirius smiled, instantly liking James.
"You're rather arrogant, did you know that?" Lupin pointed out, grinning nonetheless.
"Am I?" Sirius looked confused.
"So do you two like Quidditch?" James changed the subject abruptly, eager to talk about the best sport ever invented.
A rampant debate over the best Quidditch team began as the storm rumbled outside.
-
second year… --
James walked into the Gryffindor common room, soaked with sweat after returning from Quidditch practice. He was the youngest Chaser on the team, more in fact, the youngest player on the team. James felt as though he had to overcompensate for his age, and had subsequently worn himself out. But his fellow player's congratulations made up for the exhaustion he was feeling now.
He didn't see Sirius or Lupin anywhere. Looking around the common room instead of right in front of him, he ran into someone.
"Oh, sorry-" He mumbled.
"It's perfectly all right."
James looked down at the girl he'd run into. Her striking green eyes were looking up at him with an expression of competing disgust and disinterest.
"Evans! Hey!" He recognized her- she was always the one who beat him to answering questions in class. And also, she was pretty.
"It's Lily." She said coldly.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry. I'm James Potter, by the way."
"Yes, I know who you are." She said in that same icy tone.
James looked at her, confused.
"Are you mad at me or something?"
"Why would I be mad? You've never even spoken to me before."
"Well, we're speaking now." James said, trying to grin in a charming way.
"Yes. Well. This has been scintillating, Potter. See you around." She rolled her eyes, walking off towards the girl's dormitories.
"What's her problem?" James muttered under his breath.
"Lady troubles?" A rather nervous looking boy who was a good bit shorter than James appeared suddenly at his side.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. It's Peter, right?" James said, grateful for a distraction after getting rather viciously shot down.
"Peter Pettigrew. That's right."
Lily hurried up the stairs, feeling her heart beating rather faster than normal. What was the matter with her? Stop thinking about that arrogant git, she mentally ordered herself.
-
fourth year… --
"You know what just occurred to me?" Sirius said as the four friends sat in the common room.
"Please enlighten us." Lupin looked up with mock interest.
"First of all, it occurred to me that you need to shove it, Lupin. Secondly, it occurred to me that we need girlfriends."
Peter gave something of a nervous giggle.
"Do we now?" James looked up, quickly looking over where Lily sat with her friends in the corner of the common room.
"Yes. Simply because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and a Hogsmeade visit, and I'm certainly not spending a holiday practically designed to get a guy some action with you lot."
"Sirius!" Peter looked around, blushing slightly.
"Embrace the testerone, Peter. I know it's in there somewhere." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"How do you propose we solve this girlfriend dilemma?" James said, cottoning on with a smile.
"It's quite simple. Observe." Sirius got to his feet, and walked over to a tall, pretty blond sitting next to Lily.
"Hey, I'm Sirius," He said in a strangely deep voice, smiling so all his brilliantly white teeth showed, "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and I'm available. You interested?"
"Don't do it. He probably doesn't even know your name." Lily glared.
"Of course I know your name, Claire." Sirius said, raising a defiant eyebrow at Lily.
Claire looked up at him appraisingly.
"Claire, come on! He's horrible…everyone knows Sirius Black and James Potter think they own this school." Lily shot a look over at James.
"I think no such thing!" Sirius clapped a hand to his chest in mock outrage.
Claire giggled. Lily sighed, infuriated.
"So you'll go?" Sirius smiled again.
"Yes, all right." Claire grinned back, blushing slightly.
"Splendid." Sirius winked at her, walking back over to his friends.
"Wow!" Peter looked at Sirius in wonder as he sat back down.
"Not too hard, eh, comrades? Now, go on-doesn't anyone want to follow in my pawprints?" Sirius said in a slightly lowered voice.
"I don't even know if I'm going to Hogsmeade- I feel awful." Lupin said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Before the full moon, he always felt a state until it was all over with.
"Fine, fine. Peter, what about you?"
"No one would go with me." Peter shook his head, blushing harder.
"Confidence, my little friend. That's what you need. But suit yourself. James, what's your excuse?" Sirius turned.
"Er…" James found himself looking over at Lily once again, and was surprised to see her looking at him. She quickly looked away, furious with herself.
Sirius noticed this.
"James-you have got to get over her. She's not interested. Come on, do you think I'd let somebody who's pining away like a poof be my wingman? You're good looking, you're good at Quidditch- Evan's probably the only girl at Hogwarts who wouldn't go out with you." Sirius said, getting exasperated with his friend's infatuation.
"You're probably right." James sighed, mussing up his hair instinctively.
"Of course I'm right." Sirius smiled.
-
fifth year… --
"Lupin, just tell us the truth! Where the hell have you been? Why is your face all scratched up?" Sirius was shouting now.
"That's NONE of your business!" Lupin yelled back, looking pained.
"What could be so bad?" Peter chimed in, trying to coax it out of him.
"Lupin, we never keep things from each other." James said, in a very calm voice.
"You'll all think I'm a freak." Lupin's voice broke slightly.
"We already think that." Sirius said, smiling, trying to break the tense mood.
"Just forget it!" Lupin went to stomp off.
"I'm sorry! Come on-stop being so weird about this, and just tell us the truth!" Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation.
"Nothing could make us stop being your friends." James assured him.
"FINE! FINE! YOU WANT THE TRUTH?" Lupin turned around, now in a towering temper.
"YES!" Sirius matched his rage.
"I'm a werewolf!!!" Lupin hissed through gritted teeth.
No one spoke for a moment.
"Like a real werewolf?" Peter finally said, his voice tinged with awe.
"No, Peter, the fake kind." Lupin snapped.
He looked at James and Sirius.
"Guys, please say something." He begged.
"So you're a werewolf? Is that all?" Sirius shrugged dismissively, grinning.
"What?" Lupin looked confused.
"What'd you think we'd ditch you or something? No way." James rolled his eyes.
"You don't I'm…some kind of freak?"
"Not in the least. In fact, Sirius just got a great idea." Sirius said thoughtfully, carelessly pushing his dark hair out of his eyes.
"Why is Sirius referring to himself in third person?" James looked at his best friend, grinning.
"Because I'm celebrating my brilliance. Are any of you familiar with the term Animagus?" Sirius said, leaning back in his chair, his mouth widening into a wide smile.
-
fifth year… --
Lupin looked at Lily's wide-eyed expression.
"So there's the truth. One Gryffindor prefect to another."
"Remus, I had no idea! So that's why you missed those meetings!"
"Yes. It's quite annoying, really." Remus sighed.
"Can't you take a potion or something? To stop the transformation?"
"I dunno. Probably."
"You could ask Severus- he's a total brain at Potions." Lily suggested, remembering the greasy-haired boy who sat close to her seat in Potions and always got better marks.
"Snivellus?" Lupin said almost automatically.
"Please tell you don't resort to the same levels as Sirius and that bloody stupid James Potter." Lily said disapprovingly.
"James is hardly stupid." Lupin said defensively.
"I'm sorry. That was rude. I forgot how you liked them." Lily shook her head.
Lupin looked at her carefully for a moment.
"You really don't like James, do you?"
"I don't like either of them."
"But especially James? I mean, you two can hardly be in the same room without you starting an argument."
"I don't start anything. I just point out when he's being an immature git." She shrugged.
Lupin raised his eyebrows, grinning slightly as he was hit with a sudden realization.
"What?" She demanded, giggling at his rather comical expression.
"Lily, we're friends, right?"
"Right."
"And I just told you a pretty huge secret, right?" Lupin said, choosing his words carefully.
"Right-Remus, what are you getting at?"
"Can I ask you something? And you have to tell me the truth?"
"Sure." Lily shrugged.
Lupin drummed his fingers on the table, as if deciding whether to ask her or not.
"Come on, after all that, you have to ask me!" She laughed.
"All right. Lily Evans, how do you really feel about James?"
Lily was taken aback for a moment, and felt her heart leap into her throat.
"I hate him." She shrugged, but her voice was a little higher than normal.
"Do you really?" Lupin looked at her, smiling patronizingly.
"Yes! Of course! Why on earth would you think otherwise?" She said defensively.
"I don't know. You just talk about him an awful lot for someone who hates him." He said, his smile widening.
"Well-I just talk about how much I think he's a stuck-up, over-hyped-"
"All right, I get your drift." Lupin said, still with that maddening smile on his face.
"What a ridiculous question." Lily said, tucking her hair behind her ears, flustered.
"Riiiight." Lupin nodded.
"Remus, come on! I mean, James Potter and me? I mean, you claim he's a good friend, and I'll take your word for it, but for me? I mean even thinking about…about kissing him or something…" Lily trailed off, trying to shake a rather pleasant mental picture that had just appeared in her mind.
"Who mentioned kissing him?" Lupin smiled even wider.
"No one! I mean…I just…just drop it, okay, Remus? I don't like James, I'll never like James, end of story!"
Lupin put his hands up in surrender.
"Fine. Just wondering."
-
sixth year… --
James sat in the common room with Peter, waiting for Sirius to get back from detention so they could go join Lupin at the Shrieking Shack.
Sirius ambled in, his hands in his pockets, whistling merrily as the dull light of the full moon spilled through the window.
"You're in a good mood." James commented.
"Yes, James, I am."
"Any particular reason?"
"Why, yes, actually," Sirius' voice lowered to a whisper, "You are not going to believe what I just did."
"Try me." James smiled back; Sirius' glee was infectious.
"I told Snivellus if he really wanted to know why Lupin's got all those scratches on his face, he should go to the Shrieking Shack tonight. Bet that'll shut him up." Sirius said, laughing.
James' heart seemed to drop into his stomach.
"You did WHAT?"
"James, what's the big deal? Like you care what happens to that little weirdo?"
"Lupin could kill him!" James hissed as Peter watched their conversation, his eyes darting back and forth.
"No, he won't," Sirius said dismissively, "Probably just scare him out of his wits."
Peter laughed, but James' face stayed stony with fury.
"James, lighten up! Like he didn't have this coming?"
"Sirius, you are so stupid sometimes! You just don't know when to stop, do you?" James covered his eyes with his hands, his head pounding.
"Sorry, mum." Sirius said sarcastically.
"I've got to go help him. Before you make one of your best friends a murderer." James practically spat at Sirius, dashing out of the common room as Sirius stood there, for once in his life, at a loss for words.
"What a buzz kill." He finally recovered, flopping down in the chair opposite Peter.
"Do you think James'll be all right?" Peter asked nervously.
"Who cares?" Sirius growled moodily, knowing he didn't mean it.
"You do. He's your best friend…I mean, you live at his house, right?" Peter pointed out.
"Yeah." Sirius sighed, knowing he was just shaken from James shouting at him. That had never happened before. Maybe he really shouldn't have sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack.
"We should go help James." Sirius finally relented.
So a large black dog and a rat scampered across the Hogwarts grounds until they reached the Whomping Willow, which James had obviously already frozen to allow himself entry.
Sirius and Peter were still shrouded in shadow when James came out of the passage, practically dragging Snape.
"You all right?" James said, a large cut dripping blood down his cheek.
Snape looked up at him, his eyes almost black with hatred.
"Don't you ever touch me again. If you tell anyone about what happened, I'll kill you. I know how, believe me." Severus' voice almost shook with malice.
"What kind of thanks is that for saving your life?" James replied, shocked and incensed.
"I was fine."
"Yeah, right!" James said, surveying Snape's almost fatally deep scratches.
"I hate you. I hate your stupid friends. That will never change, no matter what any of you say or do." Snape tried to walk away, but didn't get that far, as he was limping.
James swallowed hard, clenching his fists.
"Do you need help to get to the hospital wing?" He said through gritted teeth.
"How kind, Potter. But no thanks." Snape looked back at him, clutching his arm, his pale skin soaked with sweat.
"You…you won't tell Madame Pomfrey…or anyone…what you saw, right? Please? This isn't Lupin's fault." James said desperately.
"I wouldn't dream of it. His secret's safe with me." Snape's voice practically dripped with sarcasm as he stalked off as best he could.
The dog and the rat watched this scene in silence. Sirius could feel his heart twist with something…something strangely like guilt.
-
seventh year… --
Lily slumped against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest.
"Come on, Evans, the silent treatment's getting old." James sighed, adjusting his Head Boy badge.
"I cannot BELIEVE Dumbledore made you Head Boy."
James looked down at her gold badge with a grin.
"Sure gives us plenty of alone time though…being Head Boy and Girl." He pointed out.
"Oh yes, one of the major perks." She rolled her eyes, checking her watch to see when their scheduled patrolling was over. They still had an hour.
"Will this hatred of me never stop? I've been nothing but nice to you." He sighed.
"I know exactly why you're nice to me, James Potter."
"Oh, do you? Enlighten me."
"The same reason Sirius is nice to girls. You think I'll just fall over and swoon because the rest of the school fancies you some sort of hero? Well, news flash. I'm not impressed with your stupid Quidditch, or your stupid hair, or your stupid Head Boy badge."
"Hey, leave my hair out of this." James grinned.
The slightest flicker of a grin swept across her face, but she quickly replaced it with her familiar icy glare.
They lapsed into silence again. James sighed audibly.
"If I'm boring you, Potter, just leave." She said.
"Okay, Lily, this is ridiculous. Yes, I know I was a bit of a prat when I first came to Hogwarts, and we haven't had the most friendly of repartee since then, but people change! I've changed!"
She snorted with laughter.
"I'm not kidding! Look, Lily, I know everybody thinks I've got everything I could want, what with Quidditch, and Head Boy, and top marks-"
"Really not winning me over here." She interrupted drolly.
"But the truth is I don't have everything! I don't…" James took a deep, shaky breath, "Well, I don't have you, Lily. And I've wanted you for so long."
Another long silence fell between them, but it was strangely charged silence. Lily tried to get her brain to work, but was finding it rather difficult. When she did speak, it was rather weakly.
"The only reason you want me is because I'm the one girl you can't have." She said, trying to ignore how close he was standing to her.
"That's not true! I want you because…because you're brilliant, and you're funny, and you always stand up for people, and you're gorgeous, and you're so passionate about things, and…" James stopped, even though he could've gone on for ages.
They were now inches apart, and Lily's breathing was nervous and erratic. One of his hands slid up her arm, making her shiver pleasantly. He looked just as nervous as she was, which she found strange. Nothing scared James Potter. But now he was practically shaking.
"James…y-you can't just say things like that and expect me to just…" She tried to say, her voice trembling.
His lips brushed softly against hers, silencing her feeble attempts at speaking. Before she could stop herself, her hands slid into his disheveled hair, and the kiss deepened. Lily felt weak, she had never felt like this, if only he'd stop so she could think clearly…if only he'd never stop… -
graduation day… --
The Gryffindor common room was reverberating with sounds of celebration, as all the seventh years rejoiced in the fact that they were finally done with their Hogwarts education, and the real world was out there waiting for them.
"Firewhiskey, anyone?" Sirius said, a bit tipsy from a bottle he'd managed to coax out of the house elves.
"As Head Boy, I feel I must confiscate that." James said, pointing stupidly, quite tipsy himself.
Lily walked over, snuggling against James as he lazily slung an arm over her shoulders, grinning foolishly at her.
"Bit knackered?" She tried to look disapproving.
"Darling! What an unfounded accusation!" James said, much louder than was necessary, Sirius dissolving in bark like laughter.
"Real nice example, James." She shook her head, smiling.
"Oh, come on, love, you know you can't stay mad at me for long…" He winked, kissing her rather sloppily.
Lily laughed, pushing him off.
"Down boy." Sirius rolled his eyes, looking rather revolted at his best friend's sudden descent into monogamy.
"What's wrong, Padfoot? Scary to see James in an actual relationship?" Lupin observed.
"Terrifying." Sirius shivered slightly, but to be honest, he really liked Lily and they were so happy together he could hardly hold it against them and call himself James' best friend.
"I think it's sweet." Peter shrugged, looking at James and Lily and feeling a sudden stab of envy. If only a girl would ever look at him the way Lily looked at James…
"So are we sad to be leaving dear old Hogwarts?" Sirius said, levitating the bottle of Firewhiskey over to a group of girls who'd been watching him. He gave them a sly grin, at which they dissolved into giggles. Sirius tucked his wand back away.
"I'm more excited-I mean, real jobs, houses of our own, no more Snape, no more detentions…it's going to be grand." James smiled.
"And the only people from Hogwarts we have to ever talk to again are sitting right next to me." Sirius smiled widely at his friends.
"Sirius, remind us of who else you talked to at Hogwarts?" Lily pointed out.
"Why, Lily! Are you insinuating that I'm unpopular?"
"Not in the slightest. It's just…let's just say, you picked your friends, and have not wavered from that choice."
"Well, that's me. Loyal to the core. I like who I like. And sometimes am forced to like people when they weasel into my group by seducing James." Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, grinning.
"I did not SEDUCE James!" Lily rolled her eyes.
"That's her story." James raised his eyebrows, receiving a punch in the arm from Lily.
Peter, who'd been looking at a copy of Daily Prophet from that morning left on the table between them, looked up suddenly.
"What do all of you think about this Voldemort character?" He said, holding up the rather grisly headline depicting a rash of Muggleborn murders.
"Wow, Peter, what a highly inappropriate topic." Sirius sighed heavily, as he felt the good mood deflate from the group.
"Do you think it's all true?" Lupin suddenly spoke. He'd been strangely silent most of the night.
"Who knows?" Sirius shrugged.
"I think it's true, but the Daily Prophet might be dramatizing it a bit." Lily suggested.
"Yeah, she's right, I mean-he's just one crazy person, how bad could it be? The Aurors will catch this Voldy-whatever and ship him off to Azkaban. Don't worry, Peter." James said, looking very blasé about everything at the moment. Problems of the outside world felt very far away from the common room at the moment.
--
a/n- posting the conclusion now!