He almost let it out, and the guilt is unbearable. Yeah... it was just a compliment -- but that's the problem, isn't it? He... he isn't supposed to be complimenting her. They're co-workers and friends, and that's all. He still has Trudy to think of -- Trudy, who's probably looking down on him from heaven and seeing everything... He isn't supposed to be telling her that her hair looks nice. Especially not late at night when she's clearly had a long day and isn't looking... healthy. He isn't supposed to think she still looks beautiful in pajama pants and a baggy sweatshirt.
Trudy wore nightgowns. Traditional, frilled nightgowns that went to her ankles and would always hold a place in his memory. She used to walk the halls at night when she couldn't sleep, and he would wake up to see her standing outside of their room, delicately holding a cup of water as she stared at him.
There's nothing delicate about Sharona, and it's part of what frightens him sometimes. She's not shy or... or frilly, or anything that Trudy was -- she can barely cook things that don't come out of a box.
He feels awful, staring at the wall as he loosens his tie and thinks about all the things he's doing wrong. Sharona isn't beautiful, he tries to tell himself. Sharona isn't beautiful. There's only one problem with this -- he can't shake the feeling that he's lying to himself.
The next morning, when Benjy comes home from Kyle's house, she's waiting for him in the kitchen. She's come prepared -- mathbook in hand and disapproving look on her face, thoroughly a picture of motherhood. He steps through the door and drops his backpack by the sofa, suddenly noticing his mom at the table.
"...Hi, Mom," he says, nervously taking a seat in the chair that is obviously meant for him.
"Benjamin," she replies, sounding just as disapproving as she feels. She doesn't know how to handle this exactly -- surely he's got some sort of twisted hope that she and Adrian are going to get married or something. Some sort of desire for a really weird dad... She doesn't want to crush him, but there's no way it's ever going to happen.
He looks at her for a second, taking in the scene and looking more worried by the second. "...I'm not in trouble, am I?"
She glances at the mathbook. "Not really. We just need to have a talk."
"Ooohkay..."
"About your fascination with Mr. Monk and me."
His eyes widen and he shifts in his seat. "Aw, crap." he mutters. "Crap, crap..."
"Crap is right." she hands him the notebook with raised eyebrows. "Benjy, however badly you may want... er... what you wrote to come true..."
She stops when he gives her a long-suffering look and sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"What?" she asks.
"Denial." he says, enunciating very clearly. "Captain S. said this would happen. He told me that you would be... well..." he shrugs. "like this. He told me you'd think it wasn't happening..."
"What isn't happening?" She's feeling very confused now -- he's been discussing this with Captain Stottlemeyer? When? Why?
Benjy rolls his eyes. "You and Mr. Monk, Mom. Duh."
Duh? She has no idea what he's talking about -- the only time she's even thought about she and Adrian together was when she found out about her son's little diary. Never before -- and she's certain he's never thought about it, either. After all, they're both very different kinds of people. Different, and he has his focus glued to Trudy.
"Look, pal," she says. "I don't know what you and Captain Stottlemeyer may think, but Mr. Monk and I are not in love. I couldn't love him -- he's my boss -- and he couldn't love me because he's too concerned about the late Mrs. Monk, okay? I'm not trying to upset you, kiddo, but it just couldn't ever work."
He chuckles -- something that she finds very annoying in her present situation of confusion and frustration. "Mom... Mom, Mom, Mom..."
He sighs again, very deeply, and smiles at her. "Do you have any idea how many people have fallen in love with their bosses? Tons. And lots of 'em never admit it. Captain S. told me that he once had this lady arrested because she killed her boss's wife -- which, yeah, is pretty psycho, but she said that it was because she was in love with the guy.
"As for Mr. Monk living in the past... we read this story in school about this lady who's husband had died twenty years ago, and she kept seeing him everywhere she went -- had conversations with him and stuff. So then, one day, this repair guy shows up at her house and asks if there's anything she needs to have repaired. Next thing you know they're getting married, confetti and rice is in the air, blah blah."
She finds herself staring at her twelve-year-old son, wondering how on earth he can know all this stuff and just talk about it like it's no big deal. He grins at the expression on her face.
"Benj," she says, hoping she doesn't sound dazed, "Benj... it's -- it's just not."
"Whatever you say, Mom."