Haunted

Pairings: Rei and Shinji, Misato and Kaji, possibly, Toji and Hakari,

Warnings: Violence, Language,

Summary:

angel
n 1: spiritual being attendant upon God
2: person of exceptional holiness

Who ever said that angels weren't cruel?

Shinji is suffering, alone and in the dark, he is suffering. He is haunted by what he is and what he can never be. Suddenly an Angel appears, an Angel that is different than the others, more powerful than any of them can ever imagine. What happens when this Angel attacks Shinji in a way that no one can control? What if the choice was between Shinji's life and the lives of everyone around him?

Chapter One: So Useless

Long lost words whisper slowly to me

Still can't find what keeps me here

When all this time I've been so hollow inside

I know you're still there



Shinji Ikari stared up at his dismal blank ceiling his arms crossed desolately behind his head. His mind was wandering, drifting far away, searching for a purpose, something he had been seeking for a long time. Was there any meaning in his existence? Was there a point to surviving?

Why am I doing this? Why am I living? Why am I piloting the Eva? What in this world is so precious? Why should we work so hard to protect something that may not even be worth it? Why...why should I even live anymore? Is there any point...to me?

The silence of night engulfed him, the normal snores of Misato and Asuka subdued on this forlorn night. Shinji flipped over onto his side, his brown bangs falling in front of his troubled lonely eyes, eyes haunted by what they saw...inside himself.

Father......Father...do you ever think of me? Do you think of me...like I think of you every night? When the darkness comes I can no longer hide from it...It consumes me. All these thoughts...All this memories...I thought I could escape it...But I can't...I can't...

Shinji trembled, curling into a small ball under his thin blankets. Fumbling he reached for his headphones and pulled them on. He quickly flipped his music on, his fingers slipping slightly from sweat.

Am I really such a horrible person? Father...am I really such a horrible person? Did you really hate me....that much? I guess...I don't deserve to be living right now. You were right about me...I'm so...weak...so...useless. I could never amount to anything...I shouldn't be here...I don't deserve.....to live....

He clutched himself tighter, his hands shaking violently as he wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his face into the sheets.

What is this pain?! Why do I feel so alone...I can't take it anymore...please...keep the dark away from me...memories...dark...loneliness...please......stop......someone...please...kill me...

Rei Ayanami woke the next morning, silently opening her eyes and blinking slowly as she took in her surroundings. Her aqua hair was plastered against her alabaster skin which was sticky with sweat. She lay there unmoving, thinking, knowing that she had dreamed something, but not quite able to grasp it from the unreality that she had been swept into.

Deciding that it was futile to try to catch a wisp of escaped fantasy, she silently slid out of bed, the sheet sliding against her clammy skin and making her shiver. Despondently she walked across her room, her bare feet resting on the smooth chilly floor.

She reached the bathroom in a dismal silence, pausing in the doorway for a fraction of a second to ponder her dream one last time. Defeated, she continued, prying off her pajamas and gently setting them aside. Brushing a stray hair out of her face she stepped into the warm embrace of the shower, the mist forming droplets on her pale creamy skin. Small trickles of water streamed down her chilled body. And then suddenly...she remembered.

I was swimming...swimming through an immense darkness...groping blindly for something I could not see...something that I did not know. All I could feel was this terrible sense of fear and urgency...as though...I needed to find something...or someone. Everything was so silent...so horribly silent. All I could hear was my rasping breath shattering the frozen quiet.

I needed to find him...I needed to find him so bad. Searching...searching...needing to find him...If only...I could find him...

"Asuka, come on, we're going to be late!" Shinji called from the doorway, his foot tapping impatiently. He sighed and leaned against the wall. He was already dressed and ready to go, his back pack slung over his slim shoulder in hopes that they might be leaving soon. Misato wasn't around because she had left early on some business for NERV. It had only been him and Asuka this morning.

"I'm coming! Essh give me a break. I still don't see why I have to go to some dumb school. You Japanese people are weird!" She whined as she grabbed her backpack and rushed over to the door. Shinji was silent and simply turned and walked out the door. Asuka scurried after him.

"Hey Shinji, why you so quiet?" Asuka asked, as she straightened out her blouse. She then turned her attention to her long red hair, making sure it was all in place.

"......" Was Shinji's silent response, his feet plodding along as he stared down at them.

Asuka shrugged. Oh well. It wasn't her problem.

Later that afternoon just after the last bell rang Shinji still sat in his allotted desk, fingering his pen absentmindedly.

"Hey SHINJI!" Asuka called from across the room. He looked up, his eyes still far away. "I'm going over to Hikari Horaki's house till tonight, okay? Tell Misato when you get home!" She said, as she hurried out the room.

"Yeah..." he said wearily, but she was already too far away to hear his quiet response. Calmly he gathered up his books and stood from his seat. With a small sigh he slowly made his way to home...

Home...I wonder...does that place even really exist?

Back at the apartment Shinji silently prepared his solitary meal. Misato had still not returned from NERV and so he was not surprised when he heard the phone ring soon after his return.

"Hello..." he answered unenthusiastically, already knowing who it was. Sure enough Misato answered him.

"Hey Shinji. I'll be late tonight...so don't wait up for me ok? Tell Asuka to behave..." Misato's voice said, apologetically.

Shinji merely shrugged it away. He was used to it. "It's okay. Anyway, Asuka's spending the evening at her friend's house. She wanted me to tell you that."

Misato's voice gained an annoyed tone. "What?! Why didn't she call and ask first?! I am your guys' guardian, aren't I?"

"I'm...sorry..." Shinji said, unable to think of anything else to say.

Misato sighed resignedly. "It's not your fault. I know how stubborn she can be. Are you sure that you'll be alright by yourself?"

Shinji closed his eyes and sighed. "What do you mean...I've always been alone..." he whispered without thinking. He bit his lip as he realized what he had said. "I'm...sorry..." he murmured quickly.

The phone was silent for a moment before she answered. "Well, I have to go now...but remember...I'm here to talk...if you ever need it..."

"Yes, Misato..." he mumbled before he said his goodbyes and hung up. This was going to be a lonely night.

Rei sat silently in her room, listening to the hum of the city outside her small world. Her unemotional eyes were fixed on the pair of cracked glasses in her small hands. Her fingers gently ran over their smooth surface, absentmindedly tracing the cracks. With a heavy sigh she set them down on her bedside table and walked soundlessly to the door, slipping on her shoes on the way out the door. She was lost in thought as she wandered aimlessly down the streets.

What did it mean? Why...why did I dream such a thing?

Shinji sat alone in his room, his music playing ever so softly. A terrible feeling of solitude had overcome his heart and he accepted it as his fate. He was never one to argue or try to get things his way. He would just do what everyone said. It didn't really matter anyway. Nothing mattered to him.

It's so silent here with only me. It's almost like the night, except for somehow lonelier. At night everyone's just sleeping as I lie awake, but now...everyone is out...left me behind. They are all out, with other people, doing other stuff...without me.

Shinji stood up and went over to his window to stare out at the city.

But then again I am just being selfish. They have other things to do. I don't deserve anything anyway. I'm so useless...so utterly useless.