ONCE UPON A TIME
...in a land known only as Happily-Ever-After, there arose a problem.
Humpty Dumpty, had retired to his wall, tired after a night of futilely trying to track down the newly eloped Dish and Spoon. So exhausted was he, that he failed to notice the precarious angle at which he had perched himself.
He toppled off the wall and landed on the ground with a resounding crunch.
The Big Bad Wolf just happened to be walking by. Hearing the noise, he wandered over to see what had occurred. At the sight of the newly scrambled egg, the poor wolf, deprived of a decent pork chop for far too long, was unable to restrain himself and swallowed Humpty whole.
Needless to say, this gave him quite a stomach ache.
Well, Little Red Riding Hood happened by and saw the whole thing. Being the gullible creature that she is, she excepted the Wolf's excuse that Humpty had wanted to be eaten and ran off to deliver a basket to her sickly Grandmother.
Luckily for poor Humpty, she blabbed the whole story, complete with excuse, to the first person she encountered, namely, Jack-Be-Nimble.
After hearing the tale, the poor soul was so surprised, he started himself on fire in mid-jump. Well, he ran around screaming bloody murder, watched by an amused Red Riding Hood, until Little Boe Peep happened along and he tripped over one of her sheep.
Little Red, who wasn't that concerned about Jack, proceeded to spill the whole story to Boe Peep, while the sheep slobbered all over poor forgotten Jack, effectively putting out the fire.
Anyway, while all this is going on the Wolf is stumbling around in agony.
He manages to make his way into the forest and is immediately plowed over by an incredibly sticky Hansel and Gretel.
The abused Wolf finally manages to stumble to his feet, only to be run down once again by the Witch chasing the children.
Catching only a snippet of the conversation before he passes out, he wonders idly why anyone would want to build a house out of candy.
Lucky for the Wolf, Wee-Willy-Winky, having been run out of town again, walked by. Seeing the poor fellow's predicament, and having no previous knowledge of the Wolf's crimes, he helps the creature to Peter-Peter-Pumpkin-Eater's home.
He spots Peter's wife milling around outside the house, having a deeply involved conversation with Mary-Mary-Quite-Contrary about the care of rutabagas. Seeing their situation, Peter's wife instantly offers the use of her home until a doctor can be called.
Instead of knocking, they enter only to discover that Peter has been having an affair with the Queen Of Hearts.
Peter's wife managed to be physically restrained through the combined efforts of Mary and Willy. The Queen, after gathering the tarts that had fallen to the floor due to the 'interruption,' made as gracious an exit as possible, considering the circumstances.
She met Boe Peep, Little Red, and Jack- who had by that time met up with Jack and Jill- outside the house. She explained the situation and they agreed to run for help.
Jack and Jill apologized but explained that they needed to fetch some water for their mother and wandered off to go and climb some hill in order to obtain the much-needed water.
The Queen also left to try and prevent the scandal that would almost certainly occur if word of her 'endeavors' got out.
That left Jack, Boe, and Little Red to fetch help.
Agreeing that splitting up would prove more useful, each took off in a different direction. Little Red headed into the forest with Boe Peep, and Jack went into town.
Peep and Jack returned minutes later, their 'doctors' in tow. Peep had managed to locate a Woodcutter who had told her he had done this sort of thing before, and Jack had wrangled the Little Old Women Who Lived In A Shoe, figuring her knowledge of colds, stomach aches, and other child ailments would come in handy.
It was only after they entered the house that Jack noticed Red was missing. When he questioned Boe about her absence, she explained that the moment they had entered the forest Red had gotten herself separated from Boe and disappeared.
Not all that worried, they entered the house to see complete chaos.
The Wolf, who had by this time awakened, was cowering in a corner. The Woodcutter was busy sharpening his ax and soothing the Wolf with things like 'cut you open so fast it won't even hurt,' and 'never hit a vital organ yet!'
The Little Old Women was trying to coax him into drinking a liquid that was emitting faint orange sparks and smelled like something the dead cat's, dead uncle, dragged in.
Finally, as the Woodcutter began to advance, The Little Old Women pounced and forced most of the liquid down the Wolf's throat.
So he did what any creature would have done in that position- threw up all over the two 'doctors.' As luck would have it, he managed to regurgitate Humpty, saving him from any further 'treatments'.
EPILOGUE
Little Red was never found and is probably still wandering around in the forest, seeking help.
The Woodcutter became a part time Wolf Exterminator and still complains that he never got paid for his assistance during what came to be known as 'The Humpty Problem.'
Mary and Willy got married two months later- they now have twelve children, which are always put to bed promptly at 8:00.
Boe Peep now runs a small wool shop, the profits are low because her inventory is constantly wandering off.
Jack became a famous stunt-double and has even produced several Hollywood movies, such as: Godzilla: The Shocking Truths of Life In The Nest; Finding Nemo: The Tale of a Recovering Coral Addict; and Pizza Wars: The Anchovies Strike Back.
Humpty, after two tons of Super Glue and a two week recovery, aided by All The Kings Horses And All The Kings Men began a very successful career as a freak in a three ring circus.
The Witch opened a candy store thanks to the help of her partners, Hansel and Gretel.
Jack and Jill never did get that water to their mother. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Both were killed instantly.
The Wolf, who besides turning orange occasionally, suffered no lasting side effects from The Little Old Women's 'medicine', and last I heard he was doing quite well in 'near-death-experiences' rehab.
Peter-Peter was sued for everything he had by his ex-wife. Two weeks later, he lost everything. He now lives on the streets in a cardboard box.
The Queen of Hearts eventually ran off with the Knave of Hearts after he promised her all the free tarts she could eat.
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER- THE END.
OOOOO
Author's Note: Hope you liked. One-shots are starting to be my favorite type of writing!
MM7