Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks. If I did own them, I would be sunning myself on some tropical isle with a frozen drink and my own thong-wearing cabana boy. But I don't, and I'm not. Now I've depressed myself.
Chapter 3 Around the Riverbend
Clearing the arch from Minas Tirith, the group passed over a small stone bridge that spanned a narrow, sparkling brook. The guide stopped and again faced the Walkers.
"Welcome to Rivendell!" she trilled, sweeping her arm across their line of sight.
Small, thatched huts formed a square, interspersed with many fountains shooting pastel colored sprays high into the air. Arches of flowers and several wrought-iron fenced gardens were spaced between the huts. In the center of the square was a bejeweled and beribboned carousel whose brightly colored horses pumped up and down to a rather tinny, though catchy, tune. Everything in sight seemed to have been coated with several layers of glitter.
"Milady, again, I'm afraid there must be some mis-..." Legolas began, but Aragorn's hand clamped over his mouth before he could finish his sentence.
"Shhh, Legolas! Don't get her started again. Remember what happened before? We'll be here all day!" Aragorn said through clenched teeth, smiling and nodding at the guide.
All the Walkers kept smiling and nodding, each privately thinking that the poor guide must be several arrows short of a quiver to think that this could possibly be Rivendell.
"Gods, look at the horses! They've been impaled!" whispered Legolas to Aragorn, rage filling his eyes. "What devilry is afoot here?"
"Calm, Legolas. Look closer...they are not real horses, but carved ones!" Aragorn said, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Though what use carved horses who only run in a circle can be, I cannot fathom."
Legolas turned, unable to watch the impaled, although fake, horses turn round and round in their macabre dance. Unfortunately, that put him belly to nose with Gimli.
"Laddie!" Gimli said raising an eyebrow at the rather prominent bulge in Legolas' silver lame' leggings, "tis true what they say about Elves!"
Legolas thought he could probably treat Gimli to the same fate as the horses, but the guide called to him before he could act.
"Legolas, you'll be pleased to know that, since Rivendell is home to the Elves, this is where you will be stationed. You'll probably be set up right here in between the "Ye Olde Shoemaker's Shoppe" and the "Santa's Toy Shoppe," the guide said brightly, pointing to a spot between two of the thatched huts.
"What is a Santa?" asked Legolas, perplexed.
"You know, Santa...the fat jolly old elf? The one the other elves make toys for? At Christmas?" The guide frowned at the blank look on Legolas' face.
"A FAT Elf?" Legolas asked, raising one elegant brow, "toys?"
"Just smile and nod...smile and nod," Aragorn whispered, pushing Legolas' head forward and back with his hand.
"Good, well, let's proceed!" the guide warbled, motioning for them to follow.
Taking the fork to the left, the guide led them out of Rivendell. They walked for a while down a pleasant enough path, until they came to a stop before a giant wooden gate. Above the gate was a burned wooden sign that read "Beware All Who Enter Here," and below that, "Fangorn Forest."
"Fangorn Forest is built as a maze. There is a trick to it, though. Always take the path to the left when you come to a fork. This will lead you right out. Of course, NEVER tell the guests about the trick! We wouldn't want them to miss out on the fun of getting lost!" the guide warned, wagging her finger at them.
"Gandalf, wouldn't letting people get lost on purpose be a bad thing?" asked Pippin.
Gandalf shrugged, "One would think so, Little One. At least, I've never found being lost to be very enjoyable. But, taking into account the very bizarre things we've seen thus far, the people here might very well enjoy it. "
The guide led them into the maze of Fangorn Forest. All around them they could hear bizarre bird calls and growling noises, prompting Aragorn and Boromir to brandish their rubber swords, Gimli his plastic axe, and Legolas to swear at the arrows still stuck in their quiver.
"Good job getting into character!" cried the guide, clearly pleased. Aragorn and Boromir looked rather disgusted as their sword blades twanged back and forth uselessly. Legolas looked frustrated as he danced in a circle trying to unleash his arrows from their quiver.
The guide led them deeper into the maze. The canopy of limbs and leaves above them blocked the sunlight and made the inside of the maze very dim.
"Gimli, this is where you will work," the guide said, pointed to the base of a very large tree. "Since you have an axe and all, we thought the forest would be the perfect place for you! We'll have six other dwarves stationed in this area with you, of course. Do you know how to whistle? It's very important, since you'll be whistling quite a bit as you work. You'll also have to interact with Treebeard, here," she said, pointing to a nearby tree.
"Whistle? WHISTLE? What the devil are you talking about, woman? I've had quite about enough of this nonsense. No self-respecting dwarf would be cavorting about in a forest WHISTLING! For that matter, no dwarf in his right mind would be in Fangorn Forest at all! And what do you mean 'Treebeard?' If I swung my axe anywhere NEAR Treebeard, I'd likely be stomped flat! Besides, this is not Treebeard! This is not even a real tree!" Gimli was beside himself, unable to hold it in any longer.
THUWNK! Boromir knocked Gimli on the head with his rubber sword. "For the love of all that's holy, Gimli, calm yourself! This place is no worse that the others. Stop antagonizing her! Or are you a very small, very hairy idiot?"
Gandalf quickly stepped between the two, effectively blocking Gimli from launching a full out attack on Boromir's knees.
Suddenly, the tree that the guide had been pointing to spoke. "I AM TREEBEARD. WHO DARES ENTER FANGORN FOREST? RUN LITTLE ORCS, RUN!" the tree shouted in a very deep, loud, rather grating voice.
Shocked, the group turned as one to stare open-mouthed at the tree. Huge plastic eyes had opened on the trunk, slowly turning left to right, while the 'mouth' opened and closed. One branch on the right side of the tree lowered slowly, while another on the left side of the tree raised.
The Walkers could do nothing but stare with open mouths.
"What in the name of Arda is THAT?" they asked in unison.
" Treebeard," the guide replied. "I just told you that."
"Treebeard? Old friend, is that you?" asked Gandalf, peering up the plastic trunk.
"I AM NOT A TREE...I AM AN ENK," Treebeard groaned, his limbs creaking.
"Of course, I KNOW that. What are you DOING here? What's that matter with your LIMBS? For that matter, what's the matter with your EYES?" Gandalf began to get upset.
"Gandalf," whispered Legolas, "I do not think this is Treebeard, anymore than that was Minas Tirith or Rivendell."
Gandalf looked stricken, and backed up a step or two from the tree, shaking his head.
"Well, look at the time!" the guide said, shaking her head, clearly displeased. "We've spent all together too much time just getting to Fangorn. Now we won't have time to tour the rest of the park! You'll all have to find out everything you can about Mordor, Isengard and The Shire later. We have to hurry to get you in your places before the guests are let into the park!"
"
Chapter 3 Around the Riverbend
Clearing the arch from Minas Tirith, the group passed over a small stone bridge that spanned a narrow, sparkling brook. The guide stopped and again faced the Walkers.
"Welcome to Rivendell!" she trilled, sweeping her arm across their line of sight.
Small, thatched huts formed a square, interspersed with many fountains shooting pastel colored sprays high into the air. Arches of flowers and several wrought-iron fenced gardens were spaced between the huts. In the center of the square was a bejeweled and beribboned carousel whose brightly colored horses pumped up and down to a rather tinny, though catchy, tune. Everything in sight seemed to have been coated with several layers of glitter.
"Milady, again, I'm afraid there must be some mis-..." Legolas began, but Aragorn's hand clamped over his mouth before he could finish his sentence.
"Shhh, Legolas! Don't get her started again. Remember what happened before? We'll be here all day!" Aragorn said through clenched teeth, smiling and nodding at the guide.
All the Walkers kept smiling and nodding, each privately thinking that the poor guide must be several arrows short of a quiver to think that this could possibly be Rivendell.
"Gods, look at the horses! They've been impaled!" whispered Legolas to Aragorn, rage filling his eyes. "What devilry is afoot here?"
"Calm, Legolas. Look closer...they are not real horses, but carved ones!" Aragorn said, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Though what use carved horses who only run in a circle can be, I cannot fathom."
Legolas turned, unable to watch the impaled, although fake, horses turn round and round in their macabre dance. Unfortunately, that put him belly to nose with Gimli.
"Laddie!" Gimli said raising an eyebrow at the rather prominent bulge in Legolas' silver lame' leggings, "tis true what they say about Elves!"
Legolas thought he could probably treat Gimli to the same fate as the horses, but the guide called to him before he could act.
"Legolas, you'll be pleased to know that, since Rivendell is home to the Elves, this is where you will be stationed. You'll probably be set up right here in between the "Ye Olde Shoemaker's Shoppe" and the "Santa's Toy Shoppe," the guide said brightly, pointing to a spot between two of the thatched huts.
"What is a Santa?" asked Legolas, perplexed.
"You know, Santa...the fat jolly old elf? The one the other elves make toys for? At Christmas?" The guide frowned at the blank look on Legolas' face.
"A FAT Elf?" Legolas asked, raising one elegant brow, "toys?"
"Just smile and nod...smile and nod," Aragorn whispered, pushing Legolas' head forward and back with his hand.
"Good, well, let's proceed!" the guide warbled, motioning for them to follow.
Taking the fork to the left, the guide led them out of Rivendell. They walked for a while down a pleasant enough path, until they came to a stop before a giant wooden gate. Above the gate was a burned wooden sign that read "Beware All Who Enter Here," and below that, "Fangorn Forest."
"Fangorn Forest is built as a maze. There is a trick to it, though. Always take the path to the left when you come to a fork. This will lead you right out. Of course, NEVER tell the guests about the trick! We wouldn't want them to miss out on the fun of getting lost!" the guide warned, wagging her finger at them.
"Gandalf, wouldn't letting people get lost on purpose be a bad thing?" asked Pippin.
Gandalf shrugged, "One would think so, Little One. At least, I've never found being lost to be very enjoyable. But, taking into account the very bizarre things we've seen thus far, the people here might very well enjoy it. "
The guide led them into the maze of Fangorn Forest. All around them they could hear bizarre bird calls and growling noises, prompting Aragorn and Boromir to brandish their rubber swords, Gimli his plastic axe, and Legolas to swear at the arrows still stuck in their quiver.
"Good job getting into character!" cried the guide, clearly pleased. Aragorn and Boromir looked rather disgusted as their sword blades twanged back and forth uselessly. Legolas looked frustrated as he danced in a circle trying to unleash his arrows from their quiver.
The guide led them deeper into the maze. The canopy of limbs and leaves above them blocked the sunlight and made the inside of the maze very dim.
"Gimli, this is where you will work," the guide said, pointed to the base of a very large tree. "Since you have an axe and all, we thought the forest would be the perfect place for you! We'll have six other dwarves stationed in this area with you, of course. Do you know how to whistle? It's very important, since you'll be whistling quite a bit as you work. You'll also have to interact with Treebeard, here," she said, pointing to a nearby tree.
"Whistle? WHISTLE? What the devil are you talking about, woman? I've had quite about enough of this nonsense. No self-respecting dwarf would be cavorting about in a forest WHISTLING! For that matter, no dwarf in his right mind would be in Fangorn Forest at all! And what do you mean 'Treebeard?' If I swung my axe anywhere NEAR Treebeard, I'd likely be stomped flat! Besides, this is not Treebeard! This is not even a real tree!" Gimli was beside himself, unable to hold it in any longer.
THUWNK! Boromir knocked Gimli on the head with his rubber sword. "For the love of all that's holy, Gimli, calm yourself! This place is no worse that the others. Stop antagonizing her! Or are you a very small, very hairy idiot?"
Gandalf quickly stepped between the two, effectively blocking Gimli from launching a full out attack on Boromir's knees.
Suddenly, the tree that the guide had been pointing to spoke. "I AM TREEBEARD. WHO DARES ENTER FANGORN FOREST? RUN LITTLE ORCS, RUN!" the tree shouted in a very deep, loud, rather grating voice.
Shocked, the group turned as one to stare open-mouthed at the tree. Huge plastic eyes had opened on the trunk, slowly turning left to right, while the 'mouth' opened and closed. One branch on the right side of the tree lowered slowly, while another on the left side of the tree raised.
The Walkers could do nothing but stare with open mouths.
"What in the name of Arda is THAT?" they asked in unison.
" Treebeard," the guide replied. "I just told you that."
"Treebeard? Old friend, is that you?" asked Gandalf, peering up the plastic trunk.
"I AM NOT A TREE...I AM AN ENK," Treebeard groaned, his limbs creaking.
"Of course, I KNOW that. What are you DOING here? What's that matter with your LIMBS? For that matter, what's the matter with your EYES?" Gandalf began to get upset.
"Gandalf," whispered Legolas, "I do not think this is Treebeard, anymore than that was Minas Tirith or Rivendell."
Gandalf looked stricken, and backed up a step or two from the tree, shaking his head.
"Well, look at the time!" the guide said, shaking her head, clearly displeased. "We've spent all together too much time just getting to Fangorn. Now we won't have time to tour the rest of the park! You'll all have to find out everything you can about Mordor, Isengard and The Shire later. We have to hurry to get you in your places before the guests are let into the park!"
"