Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or any of its characters, or any giant themeparks. I do own a fairly good sense of humor, and I hope the owners of LOTR and giant themeparks do too.
Chapter 6 I Just Can't Wait To Be King
Aragorn stood with his back against the stone wall of Minas Tirith, fingering the hilt of his useless sword. The guide had told him that the woman who would play Arwen would be there momentarily.
"I cannot believe I've allowed myself to get involved with this," he thought. "I cannot possibly look dignified. Thank the gods Arwen decided to stay behind to oversee the reconstruction of the city. This place looks nothing like home, these people are all truly insane, and this robe is hotter than the pits of Mordor. And, no matter what Gimli thinks, there is nothing wrong with my beard! At least, Arwen has never complained..." He shifted his shoulders within the velvet fuschia cape.
He turned to see a young female elf coming toward him. She was dressed in a deep blue gown with very long, flaring sleeves. Long dark hair hung down her back, held by some sort of twisted wire headband. Not very pretty, by Elf standards, she had a mole on the lower part of her jaw, her eyes were slightly crossed, her nose was crooked, and she seemed to have only one eyebrow. It ran straight across her forehead. She also had the most enormous bosom Aragorn had ever seen. It bulged out of the top of her low cut gown, threatening to burst it at the seams.
"Oh no...please Eru, not her," Aragorn thought.
"Hi," the girl said in a throaty voice. "You must be Aragorn. I'm Phyllis. I'll be playing Arwen today."
"Egads...um, I mean, hello," Aragorn replied, his eyes drifting down to her bosom.
"Well, at least you fit the part of a king!" she said, looking him up and down. "You fill that robe out admirably."
"Thank you, milady," Aragorn said to her cleavage. He forced his eyes to move up to her face. "You look...um, healthy."
"Thanks...I guess," she answered hesitantly, raising her unibrow.
Aragorn's eyes suddenly widened as he looked at her pointed ears. "Milady! Your ear! 'Tis falling off!" he gasped.
Phyllis reached up and ripped off the pointed tip of her left ear. "Damn it! They didn't glue them on right again. They do this all the time." She reached into a pocket and pulled out a small tube. Spreading a few drops of spirit gum on the tip she stuck it back on her ear. Aragorn blanched, clutching his chest.
"What's wrong? Isn't it on straight?" she asked.
"I...I...I may be ill," he said, covering his mouth with one hand.
"Oh, no you don't," Phyllis replied, poking a finger at his chest. "If you're sick, you should have called out. I'm not about to get sick from kissing you."
"Kissing? Me? YOU?" Aragorn paled further. "I think not! I cannot give you what you seek."
"You can't, huh? Have you read your contract? You want to get fired? You'll kiss me whenever the guests ask for it, or you'll be out on your royal keister, mister. Look, they're letting the guests in now," she flamed, grabbing his arm. "Try to look royal, will ya? And stop staring at my boobs."
Aragorn looked out toward the front of the park. A mass of humanity was swarming his way.
"'Tis an army! We'll be overrun!" he shouted as he whipped out his sword. The blade drooped over in the heat.
"Put that thing away and take my arm, you ninny. Just stand here with me and smile, damn it!"
A look of panic froze on Aragorn's face as the first of the guests arrived.
"Oh, look Billy, it's Allgone and Armen!" gushed a heavy woman dressed in a tube top and shorts.
"Jeez, Mom, it's ARAGORN and ARWEN...get it right, okay?" said the young boy. "You always get the names wrong."
"Don't be rude, Billy. Just because I can't remember all names the way you can. I haven't watched the movie sceighty eight million times, you know," the woman replied testily. "Now go stand over there with them and let me take your picture."
Billy slouched over to stand between Aragorn and 'Arwen'. He looked up at Aragorn and sneered, "You're the worst Aragorn I've ever seen. How did you ever get this part? You don't look anything like him."
Aragorn looked down at Billy and patted him on the head. Hard.
"Big smiles everybody!" the fat woman called, holding a camera up to her eye.
FLASH!
"ARGHHH!" cried Aragorn throwing his hands over his eyes. "The witch has blinded me!"
"Get over yourself!" Phyllis hissed. "Put a guy in a robe and he thinks he's Sir Ian McKellen! You're not that good an actor. Stop trying to hog the scene!"
Slowly, the spots before Aragorn's eyes began to disappear. Determining that his eyesight was not permanently damaged, he gave a forced smile. "I swear by Arda, and all that I hold dear," he thought to himself, "when this horrible day has ended, I am going to find something sharp and run this woman through!" He looked down at the ever growing line of people waiting to see him. "If I survive, that is," he thought.
Chapter 6 I Just Can't Wait To Be King
Aragorn stood with his back against the stone wall of Minas Tirith, fingering the hilt of his useless sword. The guide had told him that the woman who would play Arwen would be there momentarily.
"I cannot believe I've allowed myself to get involved with this," he thought. "I cannot possibly look dignified. Thank the gods Arwen decided to stay behind to oversee the reconstruction of the city. This place looks nothing like home, these people are all truly insane, and this robe is hotter than the pits of Mordor. And, no matter what Gimli thinks, there is nothing wrong with my beard! At least, Arwen has never complained..." He shifted his shoulders within the velvet fuschia cape.
He turned to see a young female elf coming toward him. She was dressed in a deep blue gown with very long, flaring sleeves. Long dark hair hung down her back, held by some sort of twisted wire headband. Not very pretty, by Elf standards, she had a mole on the lower part of her jaw, her eyes were slightly crossed, her nose was crooked, and she seemed to have only one eyebrow. It ran straight across her forehead. She also had the most enormous bosom Aragorn had ever seen. It bulged out of the top of her low cut gown, threatening to burst it at the seams.
"Oh no...please Eru, not her," Aragorn thought.
"Hi," the girl said in a throaty voice. "You must be Aragorn. I'm Phyllis. I'll be playing Arwen today."
"Egads...um, I mean, hello," Aragorn replied, his eyes drifting down to her bosom.
"Well, at least you fit the part of a king!" she said, looking him up and down. "You fill that robe out admirably."
"Thank you, milady," Aragorn said to her cleavage. He forced his eyes to move up to her face. "You look...um, healthy."
"Thanks...I guess," she answered hesitantly, raising her unibrow.
Aragorn's eyes suddenly widened as he looked at her pointed ears. "Milady! Your ear! 'Tis falling off!" he gasped.
Phyllis reached up and ripped off the pointed tip of her left ear. "Damn it! They didn't glue them on right again. They do this all the time." She reached into a pocket and pulled out a small tube. Spreading a few drops of spirit gum on the tip she stuck it back on her ear. Aragorn blanched, clutching his chest.
"What's wrong? Isn't it on straight?" she asked.
"I...I...I may be ill," he said, covering his mouth with one hand.
"Oh, no you don't," Phyllis replied, poking a finger at his chest. "If you're sick, you should have called out. I'm not about to get sick from kissing you."
"Kissing? Me? YOU?" Aragorn paled further. "I think not! I cannot give you what you seek."
"You can't, huh? Have you read your contract? You want to get fired? You'll kiss me whenever the guests ask for it, or you'll be out on your royal keister, mister. Look, they're letting the guests in now," she flamed, grabbing his arm. "Try to look royal, will ya? And stop staring at my boobs."
Aragorn looked out toward the front of the park. A mass of humanity was swarming his way.
"'Tis an army! We'll be overrun!" he shouted as he whipped out his sword. The blade drooped over in the heat.
"Put that thing away and take my arm, you ninny. Just stand here with me and smile, damn it!"
A look of panic froze on Aragorn's face as the first of the guests arrived.
"Oh, look Billy, it's Allgone and Armen!" gushed a heavy woman dressed in a tube top and shorts.
"Jeez, Mom, it's ARAGORN and ARWEN...get it right, okay?" said the young boy. "You always get the names wrong."
"Don't be rude, Billy. Just because I can't remember all names the way you can. I haven't watched the movie sceighty eight million times, you know," the woman replied testily. "Now go stand over there with them and let me take your picture."
Billy slouched over to stand between Aragorn and 'Arwen'. He looked up at Aragorn and sneered, "You're the worst Aragorn I've ever seen. How did you ever get this part? You don't look anything like him."
Aragorn looked down at Billy and patted him on the head. Hard.
"Big smiles everybody!" the fat woman called, holding a camera up to her eye.
FLASH!
"ARGHHH!" cried Aragorn throwing his hands over his eyes. "The witch has blinded me!"
"Get over yourself!" Phyllis hissed. "Put a guy in a robe and he thinks he's Sir Ian McKellen! You're not that good an actor. Stop trying to hog the scene!"
Slowly, the spots before Aragorn's eyes began to disappear. Determining that his eyesight was not permanently damaged, he gave a forced smile. "I swear by Arda, and all that I hold dear," he thought to himself, "when this horrible day has ended, I am going to find something sharp and run this woman through!" He looked down at the ever growing line of people waiting to see him. "If I survive, that is," he thought.