Flash Back
Three wide pairs of eyes stared at them when they came through the tunnel. [Gimli] gasped when he recognized the one who was, coincidently, behind bars. "Legolas!" He cried in delight (and disbelief)
Gandalf's voice mingled with his. "I never thought I'd say this to anyone, but FOOL OF AN ELF!"
End flash back
Horrified and distinctly shocked expressions were what greeted Gandalf and Gimli when they came blasting through the portal that had suddenly popped itself through the air in front of Legolas' cell. It was also quite rare for any Elf to be spoken to in such a way, but the fact of Legolas... well... being Legolas... excused me for not being surprised.
"How on earth did you get yourself into such a ridiculous predicament?" Gandalf growled at Legolas, who was trying to manage an innocent expression while pushing away ones of shock and horror. He was achieving it quite well, actually, but so is it with such as he. Having so much empty room up top gives him the wits in desparate times to rule out stupidity in a beneficial way. Stupid Elf.
Gimli gazed around in bewilderment. "What is this place?" He asked, full of awe. "The walls... they are made not of brick, nor stone... it is some seamless rock... with no need for mortar! Is this a cave?"
"It is a dungeon, you blithering buffoon," Gandalf glared at the dwarf, who immediately shut up. The wizard turned back to Legolas. "Answer me, fool!"
"Kara told me to go with some half-orc, and he put me in his dungeons! It is evil, don't you see...? He has many prisoners!" The Elf gestured to the rest of the room and swept a gaze over it. His eyes stopped at me and his eyes widened, then narrowed. "It was a conspiracy all along!" He cried. Mom burst with choking noise, but abruptly broke into coughing. I rolled my eyes.
"Kara?" Interrupted Gandalf. He turned and noticed the three of us standing near. (Devon was with us too, if you remember) I coughed and stepped forward.
"You must be Gandalf. It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Kara, I found Legolas wandering around the streets. He was... confused... slightly fearful, and quite bewildered. I had no choice but to take him in and tried to figure out what had caused... his dilemma." I paused. "Um, may I ask how you got here?"
Gimli gave Legolas a contemptuous look befor turning to me and throwing his arms into the air. "Through Portals and strange, evil wizard books drenched with mysterious potions which were brought about by the stupidity of an elf we all know and fear, strange eras with a wonderful walls and miraculous wonders, Kubla somethings that were popped into a frogs by a certain hot-tempered (and slightly shaken in the head) wizard, forced into odd times in which flying humans haunted the once-safe skies wearing indecent suits, that is how!!!!!!!!" By now the poor dwarf was panting and red in the face.
I thought it over for a moment before my mind registered his meaning, after placing the necessary spaces between words that were melded by Gimli's shouting rage. Still I didn't quite understand. "I won't press you for details," I said finally. Gimli harrumphed.
"Well," Mom said. "I suppose it's... good that you're here. You could probably help us with the problem of getting Legolas back home."
Gandalf had calmed considerably. "I hope we can, Madam," he said, giving a flourishing bow, which, of course, was only polite from whence he came. "But first, I must know what outrageous descent in human respect and decency caused this Elf to be locked in a dungeon? He is an Elf! And, besides," he said, turning to his culprit, "You should be able to look after yourself...! How far have you fallen, Master Elf, that you should have caused so much trouble to yourself and your friends, old and new, in but a matter of days...?
"I can tell you that, Gandalf. Some little kid had taken his dagger, which I TOLD him to leave at home, and when he tried to get it back the little brat started wailing, bringing a pol... a guard to the scene, who naturally assumed that Legolas was trying to hurt the kid. I told Legolas to go with the guard, because he would have gotten in HUGE trouble if he hadn't..."
"And now we have to pay $150 dollars to get him out of there," Mom added sourly. Gandalf blinked.
"Well, I do not know what currency you follow, or its value, but it seems you do not want to pay such a sum. But, of course, with a wizard handy, there is always an alternate option." He raised his robed arms, quite evidently prepared to blast the lock with his staff. Unfortunately, (and fortunately, perhaps) my mother anticipated his move, and tried to stop him by, of course, blocking the blast. The force of it knocked the wind out of her, and she fell to the ground.
Gimli, being the caring little soul that he is, rushed over to help her up. Now, the one thing I forgot to mention about my mother is that she isn't the tallest of people. Nor is she exactly a "delicate beauty." Oh she's pretty of course, but in more of a rough, "I love camping and pro-wrestling way". Well, naturally, as Gimli bent over and offered his hand, he caught a glimpse into her eyes, which ended up not being just a glimpse at all... and suddenly, it seemed he heard a glorious melody.....
"$#!&$&%$#&$#%!$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" We hear crashes and the previous from another booth next to the author's up in the sky. One author sighs and covers her face in with hands, crying silently. Everything had been going so well. The other stands up, red-faced, and screams, "Ethan, what's happening in there?! I only let you help cuz you're my big brother! All you had to do was play the stupid tape! That's it! You've been practicing for WEEKS!!! Even you should be able to get it right by now...!" She sits back down and mutters something about incompetent techies and strange family murders.
Finally, after some more crashes, "Aha!!!"comes from the techie booth. One more crash, and then....
"Soooooft,
Kisses on a summer's day"
The characters (and probably the readers) who had been distracted by the goings on in the... er... ceiling... are suddenly brought back to the tale, as Gimli helps Mom to her feet. Mom thanked him graciously, glaring at Gandalf simultaneously. "Oh my goodness, oh my gosh." She said, holding her head in her hands. Suddenly her head snapped up and she stared at me. "Oh Kara, what's your father going to think?"
At that, I too held my head in my hands, not noticing how Gimli's face fell. "Oh, mom, does he, does he have to know??"
She stared at me like I was crazy. "Well, do you think he'll notice the $150 dollars missing from our account...?!"
"Alright, alright. I don't suppose we can hide an Elf, Dwarf and wizard who seems to like blasting things (Strange, actually, since that area is generally managed by Saruman.)" Gandalf chose not to reply to my snide remark, merely sniffing in disdain.
Devon sighed. "Well, no use dragging it out, is it? Let's get it over with." Mom nodded, and just then the police officer came down the stairs. He stopped, staring at Gandalf and Gimli. There was an awkward silence, until he spoke.
"Who are these two?" He asked.
"My father," Mom said quickly, maybe a bit too quickly, "And my cousin... I called on my cell-phone and they came right away." Another silence. Finally he shook his head, a 'Why did I ever take this job, and why won't my wife let me look into the retirement policy' expression. He stared at them a second more, then shook his head again.
"Times up, unless you wanna bail."
"Thank you officer, I believe we will."
"All right," He said wearily. "I'll go get the paperwork." He sighed and stared a moment more before sauntering up the stairs. Devon and I let
out a sigh of relief. "Quick thinking, Mrs. Totensky." Devon said, grinning.
"Yeah Mom, but I have a question." She raised her eyebrows, waiting. "Which is your cousin and which is your father?"
"I am so glad that's over!" Mom said as we walked down the steps of the station.
I sighed. "One nightmare ends, another begins." I said sadly. I stopped wearily after a moment's thought. "Hey, hold up a second." I said. They stopped. "Gandalf, could you get all of you out of here right now and spare us more misery and scorn?"
He looked at the ground. "I do not know," He said in a wizened, gruff voice. "The magic is shaky, I'm not sure that it will take us where we want to go." I sighed.
"Would you be willing to try?" I asked, and he nodded profusely.
"But I wouldn't want to try without the consent of the other parties."
"Right," I nodded, then turned to Gimli.
"Huh, the sooner we get out of here the better, I say." He harrumphed.
"All right then, Legolas....." I looked around for Legolas, but he was gone. Gandalf whirled around, swinging his staff with his robes whipping at his ankles.
"Where did that petty Elf get to?" Gimli roared, clenching his fists and bellowing into the empty lot. "We spent days --or years for all I know!-- traveling through time and space to find that crazy prince, and sure enough, as soon as we find him in some far-off land full of demons and fake stones and cheesy billboards, he's whisked away into the void of impossible searchings and wild goose chases into unknown places that are sure to keep him far from our reach for countless hours of cruel, strenuous hikes!!!" After saying the line in one breath Gimli leaned over puffing, muttering something about run-on sentences and grammatically-challenged authors.
After puzzled glances provoked by the disturbing length of the sentence, the rest of the company turns to each other to decide the best course of action.
"Well," Mom said, "We should probably check any nature-rich areas, police stations, and I'll check at my house..."
"I'll use my magical senses to scan the tunnels of time and place travel," Gandalf said confidently.
Gimli gave him an incredulous stare. "I'll search the clouds for mysterious Elven artifacts!" he said sarcastically.
Kara smiled despite herself. "I love finding shapes in the clouds..." she said in a cheesy tone. She looked up at Devon to see if she had caught their inside joke only to find that she wasn't there. "Devon?" she yelled with a start, after a futile glimpse around her. With a groan the others turned to her to see the next befallen tragedy.
Gimli roared in frustration and yelled a few curses in his own language. Gandalf was searching the horizon with a comical look on his face, and mom raised an eyebrow in... could it be amusement? I glared at her and demanded to know what she thought was so humorous. She couldn't hold back a chuckle. "Don't you see? Them both disappearing isn't a coincidence."
I stared at her oddly for a moment, not understanding the relevance of her statement before raising my eyebrows is realization. "She's kidnapped him!!!" I cried. Gandalf snapped his head toward us with a look of utter surprise.
"An Elf kidnapped?" He looked suspicious. "Not a possibility. An Elf cannot be taken any place against his will without at least raising an alarm... especially not by a human child!!!"
"We're teenagers!" I snapped, without thinking. I sighed and blew it off. "You obviously don't know her. Stubborn, immovable, and she spazzes out about everything. In other words: a total idiot."
"Even an... idiot... could never pull such a feat! How would it be accomplished by a child?"
I choked down the impulse to correct him and shook my head. "Just another one of the 'mysterious ways of Devon'. Trust me, you don't want to know." Mom nodded vigorously in agreement.
Gandalf's face wrinkled in a overly-happy smile. "Let's give it another stretch, Gimli, my dwarf! You've shown incredible devotion and I'm sure you will last the final stretch!" He gave the short dude a friendly tap on the head, but it only aggravated Gimli further.
I mustered cheery tone and started the old saying bouncily, "If you don't stick your neck out you'll never..." I thought for a moment before realizing the horrible inaccuracy of the cliche I chose. "Get your head chopped off..." I murmured the rest quietly, almost to myself. "Never mind." I said finally, looking down and shuffling my feet.
"So," said Mom, "First we check at my house, then we go to Devon's... alright?" I nodded wearily, Gimli grumbled, and Gandalf gave a hearty
laugh. His enthusiasm was rather disturbing.
Just then a police man came out of the building. "Hey!" he said, "You're the peeps with that crazy elf dude, aren't you?" We all stared. "Has he been cleared for release yet?"
Mom finally gathered her wits and smiled sweetly. "Yes, we've already paid the bail fee." The cop looked suspicious.
"Let me see the papers," he said sternly. We all looked at each other, stunned.
Devon had the papers.
The cop walked up to me --me!-- and held out his hand, sweaty palm up. "Well?" he said expectantly. My jaw dropped open and my throat closed up. I had to say something, but my mind went blank. My heart was skipping in mortification. I said the only thing I could think of: "Do you have a hat made out of giant gummy bears?"
"Shut UP!!!" Devon growls, resisting the urge to grab the stupid Elf's shoulders and jostle him hard. Legolas crosses his arms and plants his feet on the ground like a stubborn donkey.
"You will take me nowhere against my will!" he says sharply. Devon reached up and grabbed a handful of his golden hair. It was the last straw, the one person she obsesses over (actually, one of many people she obsesses over...) is going to be sent back to his unreal fantasy world (literally), and she wasn't going to stand for it, so she wass trying to hide him, but the stupid thing wouldn't be hidden! She pulled his head close to her face and took his dagger, which she had successfully stolen from Kara, and held it dangerously near the lock of shining hair.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas yelled and struggled, his face whitening and his expression shifting into one of terror. "Fine!" He said in horrified resignation, "I will do this thing you ask! Just...just don't hurt my beautiful hair!!!" Devon grinned and put the dagger away.
"I'm glad." She grabbed his arm and dragged him through Kara's hallway toward the one place no one would ever dare enter (unless they were as desperate as her): Kara's brother's old bathroom, the most disgusting place on earth. Devon shoved Legolas in the door and followed after him, closing the door behind them.
Glowing green and purple slime coated the faucet and inside of the toilet. Radioactive mold was slowly conquering the countertop. There were no corners, only cobwebs, sticking to everything and floating unnaturally through the air. The walls, (the few areas of which weren't covered in slime or mold) you could tell were spraypainted and the fluorescent light cast an eerie glow on it all. The stench made the air thick enough to cut a block from, and Legolas wrinkled his keen Elven nose in disgust.
"It is unclean...!"
Devon smiled and raised her eyebrows in a mocking manner. "I ancalima Elda ilya, nar elmë?" [The brightest Elf of all, aren't we?]
Legolas gaped and stared at her openly in disbelief. "Quetil Quenya?" [You speak Quenya?] She nodded slyly. Then, recognizing her slight, he glared at her silently for a moment. "Umil haryë." [You never know.] Legolas replied. Just then, the green and purple radioactive mold began to take a shape. Rippling like the disturbed surface of a puddle, it began to gather and form... wait... no... Two shapes... long and hideous, constantly twitching and twisting into grotesque positions... The mold had formed... ELROND'S EYEBROWS!!!!!!!!
AAHHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh, wait, I wrote this.....never mind. OMG, I am sooo sorry this took so long, thank you so much to my wonderful, faithful readers. Oh, I really don't know who that song Soft Kisses is by, and I'm too lazy to research it, but it's not mine. Legolas' opinions do not necessarily express the veiws of the authors!!!! We have nothing in particular against officers of the law. Also, We still have plenty of space in the Interlude, I need name, personality and LOTR character you obsess over(that last one is optional). Sorry this is later then promised, my cowriter is lazy(Jk!) And now, the replies:
Claire.Y: Thank you! Glad you like it. Awww, I think you hurt poor Leggy's feelings...........tough for him.
lindiriel39: Sorry we took so long.......it's not my fault! Well, it kinda is...but anyway....thanks for reviewing!
Chibi-chi: Thanks so much! Sorry to keep you waiting.
Anne Shard: Thanks! Hey, coffee and binges are both things I deal with frequently.....can't wait for the next chappie of your story either!
rogue mystique: Mmm, sugar.......no more froot loops for you So, are you Rogue or Mystique? Or are you Mystique as Rogue? Or could you not decide? Or should I shut up no matter how obsessed I am with X-men? Thanks for reviewing!
WildBlackWolf and Viva: Thank you so much! Ugh, I avoid mary-sues as much as possible. Maybe cause Legolas is crazy!
elrohir lover: Well, you have the slang down pat.......JK, thanks for reviewing!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like long reviews Hint hint to everyone else Don't worry....we moved far from ol'....uh, wow. It must be late. I'm forgetting Faramir's dad's name. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!
ERMonkey, Burner of Cookies: Thanks for reviewing! This wasn't exactly ASAP, but we did our best, I promise.
Wow, so many reviews....I think I'm tearing up....sniffAll right, keep reading everyone! Remember we need people for the interlude! One last peice of advice......REVIEW, OR DIE!!!!!!!!!!! Love you guys!