Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks. "Yes, you do. " "No I don't." "Yes, you do." "NO I DON'T!" Excuse me, it's time for my medication.
Chapter 9 Following the Leader
Gandalf stood in the backstage area of Gondor, where he could barely glimpse the towers of 'Minas Tirith' over the wooden wall that surrounded it. He had spent the better part of the day in Isengard, where he had been forced to have bright lights flashed at him, over and over again, while a long line of tourists held small boxes up to their faces. Worse, he had had to share the stage with another actor who had insisted on calling himself Saruman.
"I AM Saruman. I am quite possibly the best Saruman you will ever have the good fortune of working with! Have you never been to the movies, my good man? "The Creeping Flesh? The Three Musketeers? Dracula Prince of Darkness? No? How about 'Curse of Frankenstein?' 'The Mummy?' 'Sleepy Hollow?" No? What about 'Airport 77?' 'Brides of Fu Manchu?'"
Gandalf had had to rap him on the head several times with his staff before the man would shut up.
Shortly after lunch (which had been something called a tuna sandwich and chips), he had been called out of Isengard and brought to the backstage area of Gondor.
A dark haired man holding a clipboard walked briskly up to Gandalf. "Alrighty then! Gandalf, you'll be leading off the parade today! Usually Saruman leads off the parade, but he's out sick with a headache. You'll be riding on float number 1, the Shadowfax float."
"Shadowfax does not float. He gallops. Perhaps you are thinking of the Eagles?" Gandalf said, trying to be helpful.
"Eagles? Like in football?" asked the man, quite perplexed.
"Eagles do not have feet. They have talons. I've never had the opportunity to observe their nether regions, though I assume they must be equipped since they do reproduce."
Gandalf used one finger to close the man's dropped jaw.
The man shook his head as if to clear it. "No, there are no Eagle floats in this parade. Now, it's very easy. All you have to do is stand at the top of the float, and smile and wave. Got it?"
"Smile and wave." Gandalf looked rather disgusted. "That's all I've been doing all day...smiling and waving! It's becoming rather tedious."
"Look, I have to position the other performers. Are we good with this, or not?" The man was getting snippy.
It had been Gandalf's experience that, in this place, when people got snippy, one was often subjected to long and tiresome lectures. He decided to tell the man what he obviously wanted to hear.
"I am sure all will be well, young man. Smile and wave...I understand completely."
"Good. The parade steps off at 3 o'clock. Be ready!"
Gandalf stood waiting, watching the other parade performers gather. There were several Elf archers, a few horse riders bearing the flag of Rohan, and a rather large group of Hobbits wearing big plastic feet. Gandalf looked over the Hobbits, but did not see Frodo, Sam, Pippin, or Merry.
Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, Gandalf caught movement. Whirling around, his robes flaring, he cried, "LOOK OUT! 'Tis an ORC!"
Brandishing his staff, he began beating the Orc about the head and neck.
"Oww! Oww!" the Orc cried, bending and trying to get out of the line of fire. "Are you insane? Stop that, it hurts!"
"Back to the fires of Mordor, demon!" thundered Gandalf, chasing after the Orc, and smacking it with his staff.
The Orc reached up and pulled off its head. Gandalf brought himself up short, and gasped, his eyes bulging from their sockets.
"My gods! The beast has swallowed a young woman!" he cried, seeing the girl's head peeking out from the body of the Orc. "Never fear, milady, I will save you!"
"Take one more step toward me, you wrinkled up old prune, and I'll take that staff of yours and shove it so far up your gluteus maximus that you'll walk funny for a month!" the young woman cried.
"But, milady..."
"Don't 'but milady' me! What's wrong with you? Are you nuts? Do you know how fast I could get your scrawny butt fired for this?"
"But, milady..."
"Enough with the 'milady' chauvinistic bullcrap! What's the matter? You don't think a woman can play this part?" the girl advanced on Gandalf, and began poking him with her finger.
"You think I'm too DELICATE?" Poke. Poke.
"You think I'm too FRAIL?" Poke. Poke.
"You think I'm too WEAK?" Poke. Poke.
Gandalf fell over on his rear. Looking up at the furious girl, he said, "Milady, I think not an Orc in Middle Earth would stand a chance with you."
Chapter 9 Following the Leader
Gandalf stood in the backstage area of Gondor, where he could barely glimpse the towers of 'Minas Tirith' over the wooden wall that surrounded it. He had spent the better part of the day in Isengard, where he had been forced to have bright lights flashed at him, over and over again, while a long line of tourists held small boxes up to their faces. Worse, he had had to share the stage with another actor who had insisted on calling himself Saruman.
"I AM Saruman. I am quite possibly the best Saruman you will ever have the good fortune of working with! Have you never been to the movies, my good man? "The Creeping Flesh? The Three Musketeers? Dracula Prince of Darkness? No? How about 'Curse of Frankenstein?' 'The Mummy?' 'Sleepy Hollow?" No? What about 'Airport 77?' 'Brides of Fu Manchu?'"
Gandalf had had to rap him on the head several times with his staff before the man would shut up.
Shortly after lunch (which had been something called a tuna sandwich and chips), he had been called out of Isengard and brought to the backstage area of Gondor.
A dark haired man holding a clipboard walked briskly up to Gandalf. "Alrighty then! Gandalf, you'll be leading off the parade today! Usually Saruman leads off the parade, but he's out sick with a headache. You'll be riding on float number 1, the Shadowfax float."
"Shadowfax does not float. He gallops. Perhaps you are thinking of the Eagles?" Gandalf said, trying to be helpful.
"Eagles? Like in football?" asked the man, quite perplexed.
"Eagles do not have feet. They have talons. I've never had the opportunity to observe their nether regions, though I assume they must be equipped since they do reproduce."
Gandalf used one finger to close the man's dropped jaw.
The man shook his head as if to clear it. "No, there are no Eagle floats in this parade. Now, it's very easy. All you have to do is stand at the top of the float, and smile and wave. Got it?"
"Smile and wave." Gandalf looked rather disgusted. "That's all I've been doing all day...smiling and waving! It's becoming rather tedious."
"Look, I have to position the other performers. Are we good with this, or not?" The man was getting snippy.
It had been Gandalf's experience that, in this place, when people got snippy, one was often subjected to long and tiresome lectures. He decided to tell the man what he obviously wanted to hear.
"I am sure all will be well, young man. Smile and wave...I understand completely."
"Good. The parade steps off at 3 o'clock. Be ready!"
Gandalf stood waiting, watching the other parade performers gather. There were several Elf archers, a few horse riders bearing the flag of Rohan, and a rather large group of Hobbits wearing big plastic feet. Gandalf looked over the Hobbits, but did not see Frodo, Sam, Pippin, or Merry.
Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, Gandalf caught movement. Whirling around, his robes flaring, he cried, "LOOK OUT! 'Tis an ORC!"
Brandishing his staff, he began beating the Orc about the head and neck.
"Oww! Oww!" the Orc cried, bending and trying to get out of the line of fire. "Are you insane? Stop that, it hurts!"
"Back to the fires of Mordor, demon!" thundered Gandalf, chasing after the Orc, and smacking it with his staff.
The Orc reached up and pulled off its head. Gandalf brought himself up short, and gasped, his eyes bulging from their sockets.
"My gods! The beast has swallowed a young woman!" he cried, seeing the girl's head peeking out from the body of the Orc. "Never fear, milady, I will save you!"
"Take one more step toward me, you wrinkled up old prune, and I'll take that staff of yours and shove it so far up your gluteus maximus that you'll walk funny for a month!" the young woman cried.
"But, milady..."
"Don't 'but milady' me! What's wrong with you? Are you nuts? Do you know how fast I could get your scrawny butt fired for this?"
"But, milady..."
"Enough with the 'milady' chauvinistic bullcrap! What's the matter? You don't think a woman can play this part?" the girl advanced on Gandalf, and began poking him with her finger.
"You think I'm too DELICATE?" Poke. Poke.
"You think I'm too FRAIL?" Poke. Poke.
"You think I'm too WEAK?" Poke. Poke.
Gandalf fell over on his rear. Looking up at the furious girl, he said, "Milady, I think not an Orc in Middle Earth would stand a chance with you."