Chapter 15
You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!
"Stop pushing me!" Boromir yelled, giving Legolas a push back.
: "You nearly made a gigantic fool of yourself back there, Boromir. I was merely saving you from your own stupidity."
"Saving me from filling my stomach, is more like it! You know, you pointy eared pinheads might think that a nibble or two of lembas is enough sustenance, but we humans like to CHEW once in a while!" Boromir snapped, glaring at Legolas.
"That may be why YOU have a belly that flops over your belt, and I DON'T!"
"Are you trying to say that I'm FAT? I am NOT fat. I am big boned!"
"Bones do not jiggle like that."
Aragorn intervened before the argument became a brawl. "Do you think, perhaps, that you two could behave yourselves for just a moment?" he asked sarcastically, pushing the two apart. "By Arda, between you two and Gimli, it is like having children! I may have to speak to Arwen and rethink this entire 'we need to produce an heir' thing!"
"He started it..." Legolas murmured, casting a mean look at Boromir, who promptly stuck his tongue out.
"You are nearly 3,000 years old, Legolas. GROW UP!" Aragorn shouted, shoving the Elf ahead of him in line and effectively separating the two. Boromir smirked to himself and followed the others.
After passing through the arch, The Walkers found themselves in a rocky, rough hewn tunnel (much to Gimli's obvious delight), that wound its way deep within the mountain, and was dimly lit by systematically placed wall torches. Skulls and other bones, covered with cobwebs, were firmly entrenched in the tunnel walls all along the way.
They had walked for only five or ten minutes, when they saw an attendant waiting for them.
"Are you Mark's VIP party?" asked the young woman of Gandalf.
"Aye, Milady, we are, indeed," Gandalf replied, offering her a smile and a small bow. "We are here to blast the Balrog."
"Okay. I'm going to escort you up the single rider ramp, so that you won't have to wait in line. Follow me, please," she said, beckoning them to follow.
The attendant led the group out of the tunnel and up a narrow ramp on to a wide platform. To their right, separated from themselves by a row of shiny metal railings, stood at least two hundred people, each looking at The Walkers as if they would like to strangle them all.
"Why do those people look so angry, Milady?" Frodo asked the attendant, from behind Gandalf's legs.
"You'd be angry, too, if you had to wait in line for two hours, and someone got to cut in front of you," the attendant explained, shrugging her shoulders.
She led them to the front of the platform, where there sat the strangest contraption any of them had ever seen.
Bright red chairs, unlike any they had seen thus far, stood in a double row stretching the entire length of the platform. The chairs all seemed to be attached to each other by metal rods. At the very front of the contraption, the first two chairs were connected behind a huge metal, toothy, horned Balrog head. There were painted flames coming out of the Balrog's mouth and continuing all the way down the sides of the line of chairs.
:"Is this the Balrog?" Gandalf asked the attendant. "It does not look very much like the Balrog. It looks more like Smaug!"
"It's the Balrog, alright," the attendant answered, privately thinking that this old guy must be a few dots short of a yahtzee to think that this sleek new coaster looked like smog.
A deep voice boomed out of nowhere, "Please watch your head and step as you board the Balrog. Keep your arms and legs inside the Balrog at all times."
Hustling the group ahead, the attendant sat each of them in one of the red seats, and pulled down a cushioned bar that pinned each of them in their seat. Gimli and the Hobbits heads barely cleared the bar.
"You five better hold on really tight," warned the attendant. "I don't know what Mark was thinking...you are really too little to be riding."
Before Gimli could respond to the "little" crack, the row of seat began to move. The Walkers' eyes popped, and their jaws dropped, as the row of seats began to chug and huff its way up a steep incline.
"What magic fuels this thing?" asked Merry of Legolas, with whom he was seated. "I see no beasts of burden pulling it...are they invisible? And where are we going?"
"I know not, mellon min. Perhaps you should listen to what that young woman said and hold on tightly."
Further conversation was futile, since, at that moment, the coaster rocketed forward, accelerating to 70 miles an hour in about 30 seconds.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!"
The coaster hit the first loop, shooting upside down and corkscrewing around.
"AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH!
After the second loop, Boromir was suddenly very glad he hadn't eaten.
The coaster came to a rest at the top of a hill. Gandalf and Frodo, sitting in the front to seats, had an amazing aerial view of the park. Unfortunately, both had their eyes tightly screwed shut, and could not appreciate it.
Just when The Walkers began to relax, the coaster began moving again...backwards.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Finally, after several times through the loops, the coaster came to a stop at the same platform where they had boarded it. The disembodied voice bellowed, "Thank you for riding the Balrog Blaster! Please exit to the left. Enjoy the rest of your day!'
Staggering from their seats, The Walkers moved slowly toward the exit, clutching their stomachs.
"I believe I may have swallowed a bug," Pippin said quietly.
"Eru, help me," Gandalf said, looking positively green. "Fighting the REAL Balrog wasn't as bad as THAT!"
Aragorn felt as sick as Gandalf looked. "I cannot believe that people wait in line to experience that! What type of sick, twisted person would willingly submit themselves to that horror?"
"That was GREAT!" Gimli shouted. "Who wants to go again?"
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