Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks. I am channeling Tolkien right now. Seriously. "SIGN OVER OWNERSHIP, NOW!" That wasn't methat was Tokien. Honestly. You heard himsign it overI'm waitingdon't make me channel him again. I hate channeling. It itches.

Chapter 17

Yo, Ho! A Pirate's Life for Me

As the Nine Walkers made their way past Isengard, they came to a low, white stone building, roofed with Spanish tiles. The Walkers looked at each other, trying to determine whether or not they should investigate.

"It looks agreeable enough," Gimli offered, looking thoughtful and stroking his beard. "There be no bones or skulls, or little signs warning us away"

"I want to go!" cried Pippin, eager for a rest from all the walking they had done.

"Me, too!" piped Merry, Sam and Frodo. Their short Hobbit legs had had to work twice as hard as everyone else's, especially Frodo and Sam, who were still wearing those big hairy, plastic feet.

"I suppose we can use a bit of a restbut if there is ANYTHING in this building that goes upside down, we are NOT staying!" Gandalf conceded, wagging his finger at the Hobbits.

The Walkers approached the building, peering in the darkened entrance. Entering, they followed a whitewashed, stone hallway that led downwards in a spiral. Here and there were placed big metal tubes on wheels, with large metal balls piled next to them. In a little roped-off room, there was a chest with an abundance of shiny gold objects spilling out of it. The Walkers didn't understand any of it, but gamely continued on.

Eventually, they came to the end of the hallway, and walked out on a small dock that jutted out over a narrow river. Floating in the water next to the dock, was a small-scale boat with four long rows of seat, but without sails. An Attendant stood at the edge of the dock, waiting to help them board the boat.

"Where does this boat go?" Legolas asked the Attendant, peeking out from under his huge, floppy purple chapeau. "Not to ValinorI am not ready, yet."

"No, ma'am, you will come out just on the other side of the building" the Attendant replied, raising his eyebrows at the hat.

Gimli let out an enormous snort. "Ma'am? MA'AM? Legolas, have ye joined the other side?"

"Shut up, Gimli," Legolas retorted, giving Gimli an elbow to the side of the head.

"Youll need to board now, if you want to experience this attraction. We'll be closing soon," the Attendant said, inadvertently aborting another potential argument. He motioned for the Walkers to take a seat.

"Young one," Gandalf asked, resting his hand on the Attendant's arm, "speak the truththis exhibit will not turn me upside down, will it?"

"No sir."

"Good. Then we will proceed."

The group piled into the boat - five in one long seat, and four in another. The boat pulled out smoothly, sailing slowly down the river in a tunnel.

"That Attendant was overly interested in your rear end as you boarded the boat, Legolas" Gimli, smirking, called from the front row.

"He was NOT!"

"Yes, he was. He thought you quite fetching in that hat."

"You are asking for a thrashing, Dwarf!"

"He was practically drooling. I believe he called you, Hot Stuff," Gimli concluded, causing the other seven Walkers to collapse into fits of laughter.

"I hope you can swim, Master Dwarf, because I am going to pitch you over the side of this boat!" Legolas cried, his face blushed crimson. Leaning forward, he yanked on the back of Gimli's bushy hair.

"Ahhh," Gandalf interrupted, sighing and leaning back in his seat, "this is a much better conveyance than the last."

The boat sailed under an arch, and the tunnel became dimly lit. A thunderous voice suddenly bellowed, "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"

"Of course dead men tell no tales," Aragorn spoke to the disembodied voice, "they're dead!"

"The ghosts of the men of the mountain spoke, Aragorn," Legolas reminded him.

"He did not say GHOSTS tell no taleshe said DEAD MEN tell no tales. There is a difference," Aragorn said petulantly, lifting his nose in the air. "I should know. I'm the one who convinced the ghosts to fight, after all. I"

"We know, we know," Frodo said, interrupting Aragorn, and rolling his eyes. "You WILL suffer MEand all that malarky. If you tell that story one more time, Aragorn, I will be sick."

"Hmmph! As if we're not bored silly every time you decide to give us a blow by blow description of fighting Gollum on Mt. Doom!"

"and then he bit my finger off!" shouted Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, Gimli and the other Hobbits in a chorus.

"I thought everyone enjoyed that story" Frodo pouted, slouching down in his seat.

The boat sailed into a cavernous space, right between two enormous ships.

"These ships are bigger than those that sail the Elves across the sea!" Legolas exclaimed, looking up at the mighty sails. "I wish Lord Elrond could see this!"

Suddenly, thunderous explosions sounded, and water began to splash up along the sides of the boat, as if heavy objects were being tossed into the river.

"DOWN! DOWN!" Aragorn and Legolas shouted, throwing themselves to the bottom of the boat.

The Walkers flattened themselves to the bottom of the boat until it had sailed out of the cavern and away from the booming ships.

Peeking over the side of the boat, Gandalf declared it safe to sit up.

"THAT IS IT! Between having lights flashed in my eyes all day, having to smile and wave continuously for eight hours, being shot upside down, and now THIS, my nerves are jagged! When, and if, we survive this sailing, we are GOING HOME!" he roared.

The ship sailed into another long tunnel, with many small scenes set up on display in niches along the walls. A catchy, jaunty tune began playing'Yo, ho, Yo, ho, a pirate's life for me"

In one display, a life-sized puppet sat in a jail cell, holding out a bone to a dog that held a key ring in its mouth. The puppet had a red bandana over its long black hair, and a scraggly black beard tied up in braids. Its arm creakily lowered and raised the bone.

"Who is that?" Sam asked Gimli, who was seated next to him on the boat.

" I don't know, Laddie, no one important, I suppose" Gimli replied. "Nice beard, though. A little short, but I like the braids. I wonder how I would look with trinkets like those tied up in me hair?"

"You are obsessed with facial hair, Dwarf!" Aragorn put in, eliciting snorts from Legolas and Boromir.

"That is because I HAVE some, ESTEL," Gimli shot back, "not just some tiny little peach fuzz that I try to pass off as a beard!"

"I told you NEVER to call me that!' Aragorn yelled, "and for the LAST TIME, there is NOTHING wrong with my beard!"

In another display, fat women puppets chased grubby men puppets wearing bandanas around in a circle, with brooms.

In still another display, a dark haired male puppet, wearing a broad brimmed hat with a long feather sticking out of the brim, stood gazing at a golden medallion he held up in his hand.

"Legolas, that puppet looks just like you!" Pippin called from the front row of the boat.

"He does not —he looks NOTHING like me - he has dark hair and eyes. Although he IS extraordinarily good looking," Legolas replied, twisting his head nearly backwards on his neck to watch the puppet as they sailed by.

"His hat is very nearly as pretty as yours!" Gimli quipped, earning him a swat on the back of the head from Legolas.

Shortly thereafter, the boat pulled up to another dock, similar to the one where they had boarded.

Two female Attendants waited to help The Walkers disembark. "Watch your head and step, and please take small children by the hand," they piped cheerily.

"Give me your hand, Dwarf," Boromir said, evoking a punch in the thigh from Gimli.

As The Walkers strolled up the gangplank that led to the outside of the building, they heard one Attendant say to the other, "Hey, I have those same shorts at home! I wish they fit me as well as they fit her!"

Legolas looked extremely confused, but the other Walkers didn't stop laughing for a long time.